Category Archives for "Adults"

4 How to keep yourself from hoarding

Deb asks: I live with my mom (age 89, but very healthy). We have three bedrooms. One is now a den for 39 years. It used to be my sisters room before she married in 1976. The master bedroom is my mom’s (dad died 31 years ago). My room is in the middle. All my clothes are from the 99 cent store. However, in 2007 I went overboard with buying tons of clothes from the 99 cent store and I had to use the closet in the den for many of my clothes in addition to my bedroom closet and dresser draws. Then in December 2014 and January 2015 I got a hold of myself and gave away 60 bags of clothes and now I have perfect amount. All my clothes are now just in my bedroom closet and my dresser draws and I love it. However, here is what I am OCD’ing about: First let me tell you we have four closets altogether – The closet in the den, my closet, my mom’s closet and the coat closet. What I am OCD’ing about is that I will be compelled to use the other closets for my clothes when my mom is no longer here and I am the only one living in the apt. I don’t want to feel compelled to use the other closets for my clothes. I just want to keep my clothes in my bedroom closet and dresser draws forever. Keep in mind when she is no longer here I will have to give her clothes away and two out of the three closets will have nothing hanging on its rails the rails will be empty.

Hi Deb –

I’m sure some people would read this letter and say “Oh, Deb’s a hoarder!”  But speaking as a hoarder myself (of toys, old bones, and other things I don’t want anyone else touching), I fully relate.

In terms of a solution to your self-control problems, I could go with the easy ones like, “Well, move to a smaller place,” or “Put other things in those closets, like bones or dog toys!”

But I think there’s a much tougher issue here.  Which is the way you’re Continue reading

0 How much texting is right in a relationship

Prettyndsweet12 asks: Me and my boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship for a month now and it’s great but during the weekday I don’t really get to talk to him which isn’t too much of a problem because I know being in high school keeps you quite busy because I’m in it as well. The problem is that I end up texting him first and I may not hear from him for a couple of days and I don’t want to feel like an annoying girlfriend by constantly texting him and the only way I feel like that can be solved is if he texts me first so I know when he’s too busy to talk and when he is available but how can I express that to him?

Hi Prettyndsweet12 –

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BOYFRIEND!!!  I love that someone else appreciates your prettiness and sweetness the way I do!

But as to your question –

This stuff is hard.  The closest I have in my life to what you’re describing is when Handsome has guests come over, and I know I’m not supposed to jump on them, but I want to – and I don’t want them to think I’m not eager to play with them, because I’m dying to – so I’m stuck trying to balance what I want with what they want and what they don’t want, and it’s all in my own head so I don’t even know if I’m right to worry and…  oh it’s hurting my little brain just to think about it!

The situation you’re describing, I find, is at its worst at earlier stages in relationships.  You at least know each other is your boyfriend/girlfriend.  But I hear so many humans worrying about when it’s cool to text or call, and when seems desperate, or cold, or…

We dogs NEVER have that issue with each other.  It’s so simple with us – if I see a dog and I want to sniff or play with them, I go right up to them.  If they don’t want me around, they’ll growl or snap at me, and I get the message and all’s fine.  If they do, we’ll figure out what the other likes to do, and have some fun.

But you humans make everything so complicated!  Are you “annoying” or “clingy” or “demanding,” and is he “distant,” “uncaring,” or “uninterested?”  And what makes it worst is that you’re all doing guesswork – no one’s telling the other what they actually want or need!

So I’ll admit I know nothing about coolness – dogs are all about warmth – but my suggestion is that you Continue reading

0 How to adjust to a changing friendship

LovelyMe asks: I am really exhausted. I’m currently in college and it’s so much work. On top of that, I’ve been having issues lately with my best friend – that I feel like I can’t really call my best friend. I feel like she gets around other people and acts totally different, and that’s not the person I’m used to. Also, she’s really judgmental and that affects me sometimes. I feel like sometimes I can’t be myself, because our beliefs aren’t the same. What really hurt me was the fact that her mom said she didn’t want her to hang around me because I had a girlfriend; it kind of offended me because I’m not gonna make her daughter like girls – this isn’t an contagious disease! Minus that, I feel like the person I’m with is cheating on me because our conversation has become really distant since I went off to college. We’re always arguing and we barely call each other. I feel like I’m not getting any attention while I’m away. I love her so much and I can’t see myself without her. I’m just so exhausted because I feel like I’m going through obstacles in a game, just to prove who I am to people, and being rejected again. Please help me because I have no clue what to do.

Hi LovelyMe –

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But as awful as it is – it’s very normal. Kids have friendships that are inseparable… until they separate. Suddenly, their views and desires for what kinds of adults they want to be send them in different directions. And nothing’s ever quite the same.

It seems like you two are right in that transition now. When you and she are alone, it’s like it used to be, but when other people are around, she acts completely different. And when you’re away at college, conversation is distant, and you feel ignored. Then you have that other element, that her mother is intolerant of your sexuality, which makes things tough for both of you.

There’s no really great solution to this. But my best suggestion is to Continue reading

0 Committing too fast in a relationship

Prettyndsweet12 asks: Unfortunately things didn’t work out with the last guy I was talking to. A lot of it came from lack of communication and not talking everyday like we used to. Your advice about my last question helped me decide to just let go of the relationship and I’m glad I did because I’ve had time to focus on myself. I’m doing amazing in school and I’m just happy with life in general, but after a while it gets boring being lonely — so I started talking to a guy I met online (he’s 100% who he says he is so I’m not being fooled). But he lives about 2 hours from me, so our only communication is through our phones for now. He’s so sweet and even says he sees me as someone who he would spend the rest of his life with. It’s been 2 weeks but I feel like we’re drifting apart and I’m having 2nd thoughts, but I can’t afford to be hurt again and I’m stuck.

Hi Prettyndsweet12 –

I’m sorry your last relationship didn’t work out, and glad you’ve found someone exciting.  It’s great that you’re talking on the phone, and I hope it stays fun.  But I certainly understand your fear.

And here’s my big thought on it.  You guys jumped a step.  Or rather, you jumped about twenty!  And because you jumped them, everything got messed up.

There’s nothing wrong with the way it started.  You liked each other’s pictures, and you liked what each wrote, and so you started chatting online. And as you kept liking what the other said, you started talking on the phone.  Lovely.  And then he said he might like to spend the rest of his life with you and…

WHAT?!

My friend, there are two things that can really wash out the spark of a relationship.  One is someone being mean or cruel or false.  And the other is someone Continue reading

0 What to do when a parent compliments other kids.

MartyK asks: I’ve been blessed with a nice face according to society. And I was content with it. But today my mom was praising one of my friend’s good looks. To my mom, she’s perfect. I won’t lie. It hurt me. I don’t know why it did. I was insecure about myself for a long time but I was content. I know I’m good-looking but the way my mom talks about her, I don’t think she’ll ever talk about me like that. She says my friend has the potential of modeling and that she has a nice body and skin and hair and has a smart face. I just wish she’d sometimes call me pretty or talk about me like that. After all, I am her daughter. And to me, my mom’s opinion matters a lot. What is your opinion?

Hi MartyK –

Well, as you know, I don’t have a great sense of who’s good-looking or not; I just react to how I see people act. The most attractive human in the world to me, of course, is the one I call Handsome, and I don’t even know what you humans would think of his looks. I’m just crazy about everything about him, and don’t think about it past that. So as far as your looks go, if I met you I’d be absolutely thrilled – but I wouldn’t be able to tell you whether you belong on the cover of Vogue or not. Just not the way a doggy brain works.

But boy do I relate to your question! I’ll be walking along with Handsome, perfectly happy, and he’ll see some scruffy puppy with one ear sticking out, and say “That is the cutest puppy I’ve ever seen!” And I’m just heartsick! I thought I had been the cutest puppy he’d ever seen! What’s going on?!

I think there are three possibilities. And it could be one of them, or two, or all three.

First, sometimes our parents (or human companions) are a little Continue reading

0 Why do people suddenly drop out of text conversations?

Prettyndsweet12 asks: Sometimes when I’m texting certain people (boys specifically), we’ll text for a good bit and then suddenly they don’t respond for more than a day. I understand people have lives and things going on but I get worried and feel the need to keep texting. I know a lot of that comes from my attachment issues but my question is when is it just time to say forget it and give up on them?

Hi Prettyndsweet12 –

I have a lot of problems with texts. And here’s my biggest one:  we dogs don’t understand most of the words you humans say to us – we grasp a few (sit, stay, come, maybe walk or squirrel) but at the same time we do a great job of understanding what you’re expressing to us.  How?  By the tones in your voices.

You might say to me the words “Hey you goofy dog.”  What do they mean?  Perhaps you’re saying how lovable you find my nose.  Or to get out of the trash can.  Or that you’re furious that I chewed up the couch.  Or that last night my love was the one thing that kept you from hating yourself, and you appreciate me more than ever before.

Your words don’t mean a thing.  It’s all about how you say it.

And texts never have tones!  They might try to make up for it with CAPITALIZING or with emoticons ;-), but even those don’t carry the same subtle nuance (big words for a pooch, I know!) that tone does.

So while I understand why texts are convenient, I really prefer direct speech – even over a telephone.

Which leads to my answer… of course, prettyndsweet12, I have Continue reading

0 How to contact a friend long after you should have

Sarah asks: Since I started college I’ve drifted away from my number one supporter – my high school counselor. She supported me throughout high school when I had issues at home with my mom, and she was one of my main supporters when I ran for two pageants. I feel so ungrateful for not keeping her up-to-date with what is going on in college or even calling her to talk about my problems. I remember her telling me don’t take forever to call and talk to her because she’ll get mad – and I did the complete opposite by not calling her at all. I feel so bad. I really want to talk to her but I feel as though she wouldn’t want to talk to me. I need her support right now and I need her to guide me with what I am dealing with in college. How can I gain back that bond with her?

Hi Sarah –

What a great question this is.  I have an answer for you, but first I want to tell you a joke that was very popular a few years ago.  The question was how to tell if your marriage is better than your relationship with your dog.  The answer was to lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for a few hours, and when you open it, see which one’s happy to see you.

Of course, the dog will be overjoyed.  Why?  Because he’s not thinking about how awful you were to lock him in there, he’s just so happy to get out and see his best friend.  While your wife, who has a bigger brain, is only thinking about what a jerk you were to lock her in there.

Now I’m not suggesting that your counselor has the same size brain I do, but there is a certain similarity here.

It’s all about Continue reading

2 Why a person feels numb

Wooff asks: All my actions are based on what the worst is going to happen if I don’t do it. For example, if I don’t do this for my mom, I’ll regret it when she dies. My every action is based on death. I should have fun now so that I don’t regret my life when I die or before I die. Is this good thinking? If not, how do I change it? I think I’m asking you this because this isn’t normal thinking. Also, I’ve observed I’m emotionally numb most of the time. I think I’ve trained myself to feel this way. I got hurt by several persons two years ago. Shouldn’t I be okay after all this time? What do you think? How is it possible I can’t like someone?

Hi Wooff –

I’m not a psychotherapist, but my human friend Handsome is, and he says you sound a lot like you’re a victim of trauma.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with basing your actions on pessimism. All sorts of committees depend on someone being in the room who looks at the worst-case-scenarios (to balance discussions against crazy optimists like me!). In the world of investment, people like that are called Bears – they predict markets will go down, and invest accordingly, and so do well when all the optimistic “Bulls” are losing their shirts.

And I’d far rather have you thinking you want to have fun before you die, rather than not care about what you do. (You might even have some sort of psychic gift that you won’t live as long as some others. The great composer George Gershwin thought the way you do, obsessively, and that actually helped him complete his amazing output of music before he fell ill and died at the age of 38. On the other hand, the more recent songwriter Bob Dylan seems to have had the same obsession all his life, and he’s doing just fine at 74!)

What concerns me more is the numbness you report, and how you connect it with some bad things that happened to you. Numbness is a common reaction to a horrible Continue reading

0 What to do after stopping cutting

Kali asks: I took your advice and stopped cutting. I did submit a question last year about my cutting and depression, and once you gave me your advice, I immediately went to my mother and told her everything. She took notice on how bad my depression was and how much I was damaging my own skin, so she took me to a therapist. And I’ve been clean for a year and a few months. But, my depression only worsened. When I moved on to middle school for 7th grade, which was a few weeks ago, I already started to get bullied. I was actually used to getting bullied, because I was bullied since pre-school and up, but this was worse. The people who were bullying me actually wanted to fight me, to cause me physical damage. So, with me being the stubborn, naïve girl I am, I took up one of my bullies offers to fight. I waited for her and her boyfriend outside of school but they never came, so I left. And the next day I found out they were hiding because they were planning on jumping me. I told my mom and she immediately took me out of school, having me now being home-schooled. But now I’m thinking, ‘Should my mom really be doing this for me?’ I’ve asked her countless times about this and every time she’s answered with, ‘I’m tired of you always waking up in the morning, being afraid of what’s going to happen at school, I’m tired of you being in constant fear of going though the day at school, and I’m tired of you always worrying about what’s going to happen the next day.’ This has made me more depressed, and even more suicidal, but I’ve still never touched a razor, knife, or piece of glass to slash at my skin, nor have I done anything to get that sensation back. I just really need help, since I’m not seeing a therapist anymore and I would feel very uncomfortable talking to them about this situation. Do you think you could possibly help me?

Hi Kali –

I’m so glad you’ve been able to keep yourself from cutting! You’ve made my day, Kali!

But the big question is what you should do now.  And you can probably guess what I’m going to say – two things.

First, yes yes yes, I’d love you to see a therapist.  It’s great that your earlier work with one helped you gain the strength to stop cutting; there’s nothing I’d wish for more.  But the thing about cutting (or drinking, drugs, or lots of other addictive behaviors) is that they slightly cover up the pain a person is suffering.  So now that you’re not cutting anymore, those feelings are guaranteed to come up.  And when you add the rotten awful terrible experience of bullying starting right when you begin a new school, that’ll just make it worse.

And although it’s clear your mother is doing everything she can to protect you, and is acting completely out of love, and although I could never argue that what she’s doing isn’t the best idea… still, her taking you out of school can’t feel good, and is very likely to add to the depression you were already suffering!

So I’m going to throw something at you that might sound just awful.  Believe me, I’m always against bullying, and don’t agree with the people who do it. But there’s got to be something about you that made those jerks pick you out, out of all the students at the school.  Maybe it’s that you’ve been bullied so many times in the past, so you carry some fear (That’s often what makes us dogs bark at strange people – we pick up that they’re afraid of us – and our barking just seems to prove their fears right!).  Or maybe it’s something else.  But whatever it is, I want you to get Continue reading

0 How to keep a romance secret

DogLover101 asks: How do I keep my relationship with a new boyfriend secret from everyone, and stay happy together? It’s kinda like a forbidden love, and my friends are starting to get suspicious!

Hi DogLover101 –

So this is cool!  I love keeping secrets, especially since I’m really bad at it.  Like I’ll try to sneak up and grab a lamb chop off of someone’s plate at dinner without them noticing, but they almost always do.

What’s great about this secret is that no one’s being hurt by it – it’s just the two of you keeping what’s special between you.

The first thing I’ll recommend is that you both Continue reading