Prettyndsweet12 asks: Me and my boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship for a month now and it’s great but during the weekday I don’t really get to talk to him which isn’t too much of a problem because I know being in high school keeps you quite busy because I’m in it as well. The problem is that I end up texting him first and I may not hear from him for a couple of days and I don’t want to feel like an annoying girlfriend by constantly texting him and the only way I feel like that can be solved is if he texts me first so I know when he’s too busy to talk and when he is available but how can I express that to him?
Hi Prettyndsweet12 –
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BOYFRIEND!!! I love that someone else appreciates your prettiness and sweetness the way I do!
But as to your question –
This stuff is hard. The closest I have in my life to what you’re describing is when Handsome has guests come over, and I know I’m not supposed to jump on them, but I want to – and I don’t want them to think I’m not eager to play with them, because I’m dying to – so I’m stuck trying to balance what I want with what they want and what they don’t want, and it’s all in my own head so I don’t even know if I’m right to worry and… oh it’s hurting my little brain just to think about it!
The situation you’re describing, I find, is at its worst at earlier stages in relationships. You at least know each other is your boyfriend/girlfriend. But I hear so many humans worrying about when it’s cool to text or call, and when seems desperate, or cold, or…
We dogs NEVER have that issue with each other. It’s so simple with us – if I see a dog and I want to sniff or play with them, I go right up to them. If they don’t want me around, they’ll growl or snap at me, and I get the message and all’s fine. If they do, we’ll figure out what the other likes to do, and have some fun.
But you humans make everything so complicated! Are you “annoying” or “clingy” or “demanding,” and is he “distant,” “uncaring,” or “uninterested?” And what makes it worst is that you’re all doing guesswork – no one’s telling the other what they actually want or need!
So I’ll admit I know nothing about coolness – dogs are all about warmth – but my suggestion is that you use your brilliant language skills, and your long fingers and short tongue, and COMMUNICATE! You don’t need to guilt-trip or anything, but just write him, or ask him in a call, “Hey, do you mind that I write you as much as I do? I want you to feel comfortable, but I like you so much I might be reaching out too much.” Or, “So I have a question for you: how often do you like your girlfriend to text? Are you a five-times-a-day guy, or a once-a-day guy, or a twice-a-week guy?”
Or, if you’re feeling really confident, “Hey, I am so happy with you, and this whole thing is just a dream come true for me. But I need to ask you a favor – can you text me a little more often? Like even once a day would be fine. I probably worry too much, I know, but when I don’t hear back from you for over a day, I worry that you’re mad at me, or even that something happened to you. Would that be okay? xo”
Do you see what I’m doing? In all these, I’m not blaming him. I’m making his feelings okay. Now somewhere deep inside, you might honestly think, “Any guy who waits over a day to return a text can’t be very interested, and this is ridiculous!” But you only want to say that out loud if you’re breaking up!
And here’s my main point, my friend – if this relationship burns out in a few weeks, none of this really matters. But if it has a chance to last, you two will need to have great communication with each other. So this problem is actually a terrific way to start building those skills together, and getting to that beautiful place where you’re both able to tell each other what you want and need all the time.
Because when you have that, your relationship has the chance to be as good as mine with Handsome. See, we always listen to what the other wants and needs, because that’s the most important issue in the world to each of us. Which is the kind of relationship I deeply wish for you!
All my best,