Committing too fast in a relationship

Prettyndsweet12 asks: Unfortunately things didn’t work out with the last guy I was talking to. A lot of it came from lack of communication and not talking everyday like we used to. Your advice about my last question helped me decide to just let go of the relationship and I’m glad I did because I’ve had time to focus on myself. I’m doing amazing in school and I’m just happy with life in general, but after a while it gets boring being lonely — so I started talking to a guy I met online (he’s 100% who he says he is so I’m not being fooled). But he lives about 2 hours from me, so our only communication is through our phones for now. He’s so sweet and even says he sees me as someone who he would spend the rest of his life with. It’s been 2 weeks but I feel like we’re drifting apart and I’m having 2nd thoughts, but I can’t afford to be hurt again and I’m stuck.

Hi Prettyndsweet12 –


I’m sorry your last relationship didn’t work out, and glad you’ve found someone exciting.  It’s great that you’re talking on the phone, and I hope it stays fun.  But I certainly understand your fear.


And here’s my big thought on it.  You guys jumped a step.  Or rather, you jumped about twenty!  And because you jumped them, everything got messed up.


There’s nothing wrong with the way it started.  You liked each other’s pictures, and you liked what each wrote, and so you started chatting online. And as you kept liking what the other said, you started talking on the phone.  Lovely.  And then he said he might like to spend the rest of his life with you and…




My friend, there are two things that can really wash out the spark of a relationship.  One is someone being mean or cruel or false.  And the other is someone taking things way too far too fast.  That’s what happened here.


It’s not abnormal for humans to get all excited by the wonderful feelings romance brings, and take them super-seriously.  But it can be a very wise idea to keep those thoughts to one’s self for a while.  Now there’d be nothing wrong with him saying “I like talking to you so much, I can’t wait to meet you!” or “I feel so easy talking with you, it’s like we’ve known each other for years.”  See, those are still grounded in the reality that you two are talking.


But what happens if you meet, and you both feel there’s some chemistry missing?  What if you don’t like something about the other’s appearance, or their table manners?  What if something about them just turns you off?


Or, more likely, what if you meet and things are nice and you feel you’d like to keep meeting?  That’s great!  But that’s all it is!


This isn’t a deal-breaker, or at least it shouldn’t be.  Tell him to stop talking about where you guys will be in forty years, and start focusing on things now, or a way to get across that two-hour divide and actually meet face-to-face.  When you guys slow it down, everything will be fine.


I’ll use myself as an example.  Now in my case, when Handsome paid for me at the pound, he was saying we’d stay together as long as we both shall live.  But that was really the beginning of our getting to know each other.  It took much longer, maybe a year, before we were really a pair.


Don’t get me wrong, we started enjoying each other’s company right away.  But it took time for us to discover what we liked, what we didn’t like, and what we loved about each other – and what we were willing to do to get along.  That’s work.  And for a relationship between humans, it’s even more work.


So again, just know that nothing’s wrong.  It’s just time to re-focus on where you two are now – and enjoy it like crazy!


Best of Luck!



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