Category Archives for "Adults"

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend makes you stay at parties you don’t like

Bubbles_101 asks: I walked out of my boyfriend’s Christmas party leaving him and our son, since I got totally angry at him. But before that incident told me that we would only be dropping by his friend’s Christmas party to say hi and drop a gift for a exchange gift event. I did say yes but I wasn’t expecting that we would be staying there for too long. Can you imagine being in a party where you only knew their faces but not their names, since you guys are not that close?! You look like a total idiot sitting in a corner while he is having fun. But to be honest I really don’t like his friends (group of friends that were created through groups, more like a gang). Since before I met him he was in a group where each member has a car of their own. They have issues when it comes to pride. It’s like they should be the main heroes of the stories. I did try to calm down but he keeps on telling me to take a bath when I have a lot of house hold chores to do. He knows that right from the start I already told him that I don’t really like his friends but he seems not to care. I even look like a babysitter on that time. So I told him that I would be going home and left. He was totally angry when he got home, like 3 mins after I got home. He told me not to behave like that. He also told me that if I wanted to leave we could have just left. How was I supposed to tell him that when he was having fun and a bit drunk? I don’t think he would like to leave just like that. Yes, I embarrassed him in front of his friends by walking out of the party, but I don’t care since, like I said, I don’t like them and I have no plans of getting to know them. I feel like he prioritizes his friends over me. I feel totally neglected.

Hi Bubbles_101 –

I’m going to say I think both of you are a bit at fault here, and that I think the solution is pretty easy, if you’re up to it.

When I was a puppy, my veterinarian wouldn’t allow Handsome to let me play with other dogs, because I was too susceptible to diseases.  Finally I reached the age where it was okay, and he took me to a dog park to celebrate.  I was SOOO excited!  Maybe a hundred dogs, all kinds of smells, it was heaven!

Oh, except, it wasn’t.

Not one dog there would play with me.  I was the friendliest pup in the world, running up to all of them, and they’d either walk away ignoring me or turn and snap, scaring me.  I felt so lonely and rejected.  Handsome tried to make me feel better by playing with me, but of course, I was used to him – I’d been living with him for months.  It was those pooches I wanted to want me.

But then, as he kept taking me back there, things changed.  I got better at knowing how to approach other dogs, and which dogs to approach.  And eventually I made some great friends I played just as roughly as I wanted with!  That miserable park became my favorite place in the world.

Now you’re not exactly in the same place I was.  I was all set to befriend those dogs, while you’re not so crazy about your boyfriend’s friends.  But feeling left out and rejected and lonely at a party – that part sounds just the same.

So if you’re ever in that situation again, I recommend Continue reading

0 How to help someone who won’t talk about their problems

Danish asks: Why is it we don’t talk about our problems with each other? The girl whom I love, sometimes I feel that she is in some kind of problem, but she is not sharing it with me because of whatever reason. But sometimes when I’ve asked her again and again she’ll share. She is that type of girl who keeps most of her emotions inside. I want to make her feel light by sharing her problems with me. I want to make her feel that I am there for her in her bad times. So what should I do?

Hi Danish –

This is one of those areas where we dogs have a great advantage over you people.  See, when we feel someone’s sad, we can just walk up and lay our head on their lap, and they’ll feel so seen and felt, and hug us and get all their emotions out.

But because you guys are so verbal with each other, you can show this girl the same empathy I do, but she’s suddenly feeling pressured – she has to tell you what’s going on!  And for whatever reason, she doesn’t want to do that just now.

So what can you do?

Well, I’ll suggest you do what I’ve heard my human Handsome talk about with other therapists, which is “Meet the Person Where They Are.”  If she doesn’t want to tell you what she feels bad about, or even admit that she does, let her have that right.

It’s great that you asked her about her feelings, but if she says she’s fine, then act as if she is.  But stay there, be with her, talk with her about other things – all to get her comfortable.  What you want is for her to trust you so much, to feel so good with you, that she finds herself starting to open up about whatever’s going on.

So in other words, you show up and see the sadness in her face.  You ask if something’s wrong.  She says no.  You smile, say okay, and you two go out to watch a football game.  You talk with her about your week, you tell her some sad things that have happened to you or your friends, you get her to laugh, you ask her about other stuff that isn’t so sad… and then over dinner, you ask “So what else has been going on in your world?”  And she suddenly blurts out, “My boss said she might fire me!” or “My mom called me a loser!” or “My best friend is sick and I’m scared it’s serious!”

You see what you did?  You respected her wishes by not asking more about what was wrong.  You talked about everything else.  But doing that got her comfortable enough to tell you what’s up.

Now then, of course there’s the other scenario.  Which is that actually she was feeling okay, she just had that look on her face because she’d been trying to figure out a crossword puzzle!  And your day is still wonderful, and she appreciates your kindness and fun.

But either way, it comes from you treating her with respect.  Meeting her where she is.  And allowing her to not feel pressured by you at all.

And if you can do that…  you just might find she starts loving you the way you love her really soon!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you feel bad

Sazuna6 asks: What do you do when you’re upset? What helps you the most when you’re feeling down?

Hi Sazuna6!

Well when it comes to this, I’m pretty much like any other dog.  I mope around, get listless.  I might howl or whine.  But mainly what you’d notice would be my lack of energy.  I’m normally full of excitement and eager to see what’s around the next corner.  If I’m feeling down, nothing seems all that interesting.  So why bother.

But you humans have other ways to deal with the blues.  Many which I think are great.  Like listening to sad music, or watching sad movies – just so you don’t feel so alone in your misery!

Some people also use substances to help.  Like drinking alcohol, or smoking cigarettes (yucch!), or what makes more sense to me – overeating what they call “comfort food.”  That’s fine, if you do it just a little.  If you do any of them a lot, they’ll mess your life up – often by making what was wrong worse!  Like, let’s say you feel bad because you’ve been messing up at school or work.  And then you start doing something that makes you more tired and groggy during the day – well you’re just going to do even worse at what you were bad at.  Or if you feel unattractive, putting on weight from lots of macaroni and cheese isn’t going to make you happier with what you see in the mirror!

But, again, if it’s in moderation (and I do suggest sticking with what’s legal in your community!!!), a little of that isn’t such a bad thing.

But the best thing you can do, by far, is what I do.  Go to Continue reading

0 Nothing to Sneeze At … all sorts of allergies

Nothing to Sneeze at … all sorts of allergies

Have you ever taken Antihistamines?

See, I’ve been thinking about Histamines lately.  We all know Antihistamines, but their job is to fight Histamines – a natural compound, released by the body to increase inflammation so tissues will bring in defensive substances  (mucous, white blood cells) when it feels attacked.  (Can you believe  a dog came up with that line!  Sometimes I even impress myself!)

Histamines are very useful when poisoned.  And very annoying when dealing with allergies.

I’m lucky.  I have never suffered any allergies.  But my human friend Handsome was a sensitive child: nervous, a worrier, and got sick often too.  Nothing huge or chronic, he just caught everything that went around.  And each time, what he’d feel was Histamines.  Like millions of microscopic mosquitoes, flying around inside him, stinging him constantly!

And I knew a dog who got awful allergies, to fleas!  He was bitten so many times, and scratched so much, that his immune system went haywire and he lost his fur and a bunch of weight… and eventually his life!  A wonderful dog, too, it was a horrible horrible thing to watch.

So it made sense for Handsome to take Antihistamines: drugs that blocked the production of Histamine in his body.  Working against his body’s incorrect actions.  But perhaps against his body’s defenses when they were right as well?  Maybe, but it did enable him to survive his childhood!  (They tried giving that dog some too, but I think it was just too late)

Now as we know, many of us have physical allergies.  But I think all  of us have emotional ones.  Oversensitivities, fears, based on deep-seated beliefs about ourselves and others and the world.

My biggest emotional allergy is to water coming down onto me!  I have no trouble jumping into a creek or the ocean, but I hate rain, sprinklers, and especially getting bathed.  Oh what I’ve put Handsome through, jumping out of tubs, shaking water all over him all the time!  The trick he eventually learned was to use a big cup, and slowly pour water over me while holding the back of my neck.  I still hate it, but that makes it tolerable.

Some of us wear our emotional allergies with pride – dogs who snap at anyone who reminds them of an abuser, “Hey you’re a tall man with long hair!  I’m gonna bite you before you kick me!”  Or people who gleefully reject romantic advances, “I know what you’re about!  You just want to hurt me!  I’ll never speak to you again, now that you just asked for my phone number!!”

While others find emotional Antihistamine.  Some adults drink when they go to parties, so they can be social.  Maybe you need to overeat when you do poorly on a test.  I haven’t found the way to avoid the feelings of water, but I sure know what to do afterward to get rid of the feeling: I shake it all onto Handsome and then run like crazy around the yard!

So is there a solution?  A motivational speaker might say that the key is to just walk through the allergies, suffer all the Histamines, to get strong and make it to the other side of them.  Right?

Wrong.

Let me tell you, I’ve had years of water coming down onto me, and I’ll never like it.  And I’ve seen sneezing fits in others – they don’ t end, and there’s no other side to it.

So does that mean we should just avoid anything that feels uncomfortable?  Or numb ourselves constantly?

It’s a hard one, isn’t it!  Just this week I met a woman, very interesting, funny, passionate, who said that she never wanted to see another play as long as she lived.  She found them all torture.

Now I don’t know what caused this in her, but I know there are all kinds of plays – dramas, classics, comedies, thrillers, musicals – and it’s crazy to think a human, with a human brain, would reject them all.  (Now let me be clear – I’ve never seen Cats and there’s no way I ever would sit through that filth.  But for a person to never experience My Fair Lady?!  What’s the point of having that great brain then?!)

Fundamentally it all comes down to one question.  Is it possible for anyone to live at such a state of awareness that their Histamines – physical and  emotional – only release when they really need to?

I don’t know.  If so, I’m not there yet.  And my friend Handsome definitely isn’t.

From all I can see, he’ll remain the same dorky man I’ve always loved – scratching, coughing, sneezing…  just as when he was that sensitive child, and for as long as his imperfect two-legged furless body carries him.

And calling me in that very friendly tone… to have a dreaded bath!

0 Do women and men have to obey different rules in life?

Soumyaguna asks: We have many small fights between us. I don’t want to fight but it’s like whatever he does is ok but if the same thing I do it’s not for him. And if I say that “you also did the same,” then he is like “so u want to do equal equal or what?” And whenever I cry he becomese very angry. He doesn’t want me to cry, but I cry because I can’t show my anger in front of him!

Hi Soumyaguna –

So there are two parts to your question.  One where he believes in a “double-standard,” where there are things he can do but not you.  And the other where he gets angry if you cry – and you cry because you don’t have the right to show you’re angry.

This is a drastic case of inequality.

Now I know what that feels like.  Handsome can get onto the couch, but I can’t.  Handsome can eat the good things on the table, and I’m not supposed to.  It’s not fair, but I love him so much I accept it.

But I’m not a human.  As a dog, I’m something that all of society says is not the equal to a person.  “Treat him like a dog” is a way of saying to take away a person’s rights and make them less than human.  So I’m not offended by this, just annoyed.

But you’re a human being!

Now all cultures have different roles for women and men.  In some, women should keep their heads covered.  In some, men should always walk ahead.  And I’m not here to say what’s right or wrong for those values.  But it sounds to me like you and this man have very different ideas about what you should or should not be able to do.  And this has to get Continue reading

0 When you feel for someone you rejected

Harry asks: There is a girl in my class. At the start of the semester I had a crush on her but I didn’t want a relationship then, so I let it go. Now she is seeing my friend. When I see them together, something happens in my heart. Nowadays I keep thinking about her… So what should I do??

Hi Harry –

Well, I have two bits of good news, and one bit of bad.  Though you already know the bad – you missed a chance to tell her how you felt back then, and she moved on.

But then those good news pieces:  First, you have grown in these months, and now realize you’d like a relationship.  I guess that realization always comes with pain, because the only way to know you feel it is to be aware of the lack of it.  Have you ever heard that old song about the fun but painful moment you suddenly “hate yourself for being single?!”

And second, of all people in the world, she’s seeing your friend.

Well that leads to two new bits of good news.  First, her being with him gives you lots of opportunities to get to know her better.  And for her to get to know you better.  Maybe all your best qualities, which you make a point of showing when the three of you are together!

And second – relationships in school usually don’t last terribly long.  Maybe he and she’ll be together for a few months.  But they’ll change, they’ll get sick of each other, one of them will do something the other can’t stand… and you’ll be right there, ready to help!

So I’m not telling you you’re wrong to be frustrated and disappointed in not having talked to her before.  But think of this pain as being like when you were born.  It was extremely uncomfortable to go through that birth canal (or to be pulled out if your birth was a Caesarian).  But every great experience you’ve ever had – including looking at this beautiful girl – required you having gone through that.

You’ve just had another birth, into a new stage of life.  And yeah it hurts.  But wow, look at the possibilities that lie ahead!!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

1 Is it better to break up before a long-distance relationship or after

meghna asks: I was in this relationship with a guy for past 6 months.. We have always been close. He said he loved me, I didn’t say it back, because I know it is something that is developed after a while. But a few days ago I started overthinking and I realized that in next one and a half years, I’ll be going away for my college, he will be having his own career, and we’d be in a long-distance relationship… for 5 years? Impossible, and breaking up and that time would be way worse than breaking up right now 🙁 So I broke up with him a week ago.. I felt miserable doing this. He is my everything. We both cried for hours together before leaving each other. He is not able to understand that we would be separated later and thinks I’m doing this for no reason. He has been begging me to come back. Of course I still have feelings for him, but should I go back to him? Or should I leave it at this? I don’t know what to do. I’m just a ball of confusion right now!

Hi meghna –

Oh my dear, this is such a common problem!  People fall in love in high school, planning to go to college or university, and this problem is pretty much guaranteed.  I’ve known cases where they actually stayed together through the whole time, where they split up, but got back together when they missed each other and were lonely, and where they ended up going to the same school in order to stay together.

And while I’ve known exceptions, the truth is that, in almost all these cases, eventually they broke up.

And here’s the tough fact – it really wasn’t because of the long distance.  It’s because you’re still young when you’re in high school.  You don’t feel it – you feel so much older than you were when you were younger, and you’re right.  But there’s still a long way to go.  So while some couples do get together that young and stay together, most people change too much after age eighteen to stay with the person who was perfect for them then.

But this isn’t really the answer to your question, is it?  I’m just arguing it might be the most important consideration to include when you do answer it!

If you assume that you and he will change over time, then you have a few choices.  For example, you could Continue reading

0 How to find out the feelings of someone when you were afraid to tell her yours

rvineet_vr7 asks: I need a big favour from you. I loved a girl and proposed to her. She said no and told me she is committed. And after a month nearly she told me that it was a lie. One of our mutual friends liked her. So to avoid any fight she said so, though I was not convinced with it at all. Time passed and after 4 months we started meeting again due to common tuitions. We became best friends. One day she suddenly asked me if I still have feelings for her. I said yes. She asked if my feelings were genuine, I said yes but I don’t care if she commits with me or someone else (I don’t know why I said that too). She asked me for a final time if I really don’t care with a low voice, I said I’ll let her know tomorrow. Days and days passed and I wasn’t able to gather courage to tell her how much I love her. Then one fine day she told me she had been committed with someone for past 2.5 years. And she then left the tuition and me on my own. I was broken. Then I tried my level best to get her out of my mind but can’t. Don’t tell me with time I will heal because it’s been more than 3 years now. We are still in touch as we are neighbors and talk normally as if nothing ever happened. Please man I need a great help from you to revive me back to life because I know she is the best one for me.

Hi rvineet_vr7 –

What a sad sad story!  I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.  And yes, I’d love to see it go a better direction!

I can give you a suggestion, but of course I can’t guarantee it’ll work.

First of all, though, about what’s already happened:  You’re right, you should have told her the truth about your feelings.  But what you did makes sense – those feelings felt so delicate, and you didn’t know how she’d react to them, and so it was really scary.

It’s like when I was in the dog pound and every human who’d come by would look into the cage where I lived with four other puppies, and each time they walked past, not wanting us, it broke our hearts.  To the point where some of us just stopped trying; someone would walk by and the pup wouldn’t even look up.  And even when the human who eventually bought me, Handsome, first checked me out, he didn’t take me then; it was a couple of days later that he came back and took me.

But this wasn’t just another person who you wanted to love you – it was THE one.  So yeah, I wish you’d spoken up, but I get it.

And second – I don’t know that I trust her about this 2.5 year relationship.  She’d already told you it wasn’t true, and that she had just said it to protect your friend.  Then she asked you your feelings – numerous times – and then  she opened up and said it’s real?  Most people in committed relationships are very public about them – they talk about them all the time, change their Status on social media, all that stuff.  And she wouldn’t even keep the story straight?  So I think there’s something else going on.

Now what that something is, I don’t know.  It might be that she’s had someone in her life for all that time who she hasn’t felt all that committed to – and has considered leaving them for you or someone else, but now, since you’ve said you’re not all that interested in her (I know that’s not exactly what you said, but she probably heard it that way), she’s using it as a shield against being hurt.  Or it might be that there isn’t anyone at all, and she just says it when it suits her.

Either way, though, my advice to you is the same:  Continue reading

0 How to prepare for what might go wrong in a relationship.

Soumyaguna asks: Hello… I’ve been in a relationship for two years. We were from the same city but were staying in different cities. So for 2 years we didn’t meet each other, just would talk on calls and messages, and only the last few months have started meeting each other. So after 6-7 meetings, he is asking for me to stay one day with him. As every time he travels to meet me and than goes back. So is it right to stay? I’m frightened a bit. I’m from a family where I’m not allowed to go anywhere alone. So I couldn’t meet him. But he is a very nice guy; he waited for me for two years. And he wants to get closer (emotionally and physically), and I want it too. But I’m afraid if something goes wrong!

Hi Soumyaguna –

So if I’m understanding correctly, you’re not worried at all about his intentions, but just wanting to make sure nothing goes wrong if he moves closer to you.

Well, I have good news and bad news for you.

First the good – this guy has stayed interested in you for two and a half years, and he wants to get closer.  If you think you want things to go right, I promise you, he wants the same, maybe more than you do!

And second the bad – things will  go wrong.   It’s a guarantee.

Now when I say things will go wrong, do I mean that he’ll move to your city and you two will see too much of each other and get bored with each other and one of you will want to move on and meet someone else?

Maybe.

Or will you two get even closer and then right before your wedding, one of you gets scared of the commitment and does something stupid one night that will be hard for the other one to forgive?

Maybe.

Or will you get married and have a few children, and one of them will be born with physical and emotional disabilities that will put a huge strain on everyone in your family?

Maybe.

Or will you live in complete joy together and have a great happy family and then one day, when you’re much older, one of you gets ill and passes on, and the other is so grief-stricken they can never fully enjoy life again?

Maybe.

Here’s my point, Soumyaguna.  The only way to avoid things going wrong is to not live.  Life is full of hurt and disappointment and loss.  It’s also full of everything we love and adore and cherish.

This guy has proven that he’s willing to do whatever he can to make things work.  That’s the best anyone can hope for – a partner who will try.  If you and he both devote yourselves to each other and the relationship, it’s almost guaranteed to be a raging success.  But that will mean accepting some things each of you doesn’t like, and going through some painful experiences together, and a lot of compromise and forgiveness.

My human friend Handsome bought me at a dog pound, where I would have been killed the next day.  I was a horrible puppy, biting him and destroying his things all the time.  And he made a bunch of mistakes with me too (my tail still hurts when I remember the day he shut it in the car door!).

But no two beings have ever been happier with each other, or loved each other more, than he and I today.  We did the work.

In fact, if there’s anything for you to be legitimately afraid of, it’s all the work that his moving there will create.  Relationships are certainly easier at a distance.

But along with all that work comes so much joy and discovery.

I envy you the adventure you’re about to begin.  Find the joy in it, and you’ll feel like you’re bathing in chocolate sauce!

Shirelle

0 How to avoid thinking about an ex you don’t want.

Vijjju asks: Hey, sometimes I remember my ex and start thinking about all those memories. He cheated on me thrice, but still those good memories don’t fade away once and for all. I have been doing well these days, but now this is exam time, where I have to concentrate on studies, instead of all these thoughts haunting me. I don’t want to get back with him. Please help me.

Hi Vijjju –

When I started your letter, I began to groan – oh no, she’s going to go back to this guy?  But then I got to the end, and my tail started wagging so much I knocked Handsome’s coffee off the table.  I am SO GLAD you don’t want to get back with him!

And you don’t have to.  Ever.

But I understand you having this feeling that you might.  It’s like an addict being afraid they’ll give in one night and have another cigarette or drink, no matter how much they want to stay off of them.

Years ago, my human friend Handsome had that fear about an ex of his.  He also wondered how it would feel if he found out she was going to get married – would he be jealous, hurt, feel a failure?  And sure enough, one day she phoned him and told him she was engaged.  And from deep down inside him, a voice came up, saying “Oh thank God!”  At last she was off the market and he knew he’d never get involved with her again!

I’m guessing you’re in a similar situation.  You know better, but you don’t trust yourself to not get back with him.

Well, I have a funny suggestion.  If you had lots of free time, I’d say to socialize more, meet more guys, and fill your life so much you forget about him.  But you’re in exams.  So you don’t have nearly enough time for that.

But you do have a little.  I’m going to suggest you Continue reading