0 What to do when the job you’ve succeeded at starts to drain you

Stunner_boss123 asks:

I have been in a service delivery corporate sector for seven years. The core of our Job is HR-related and our priority is customer satisfaction.  I used to be a highly motivated and champion of my team. And even this year, i am again the leading resource and got an “excellent performer” appraisal rating.  But since last year, with passage of every month, I am starting to realize that this corporate life is sucking my blood, and my mental and social life is at stake. I am not the one who I was four years ago. Anger and hypertension started appearing in me. Workload keeps increasing and my determination to prove perfection is now haunting my personal life. But due to the self-image I carry around and the sort of responsibility I own, I cannot back down (I am a loyal person and I own my work; I never choose the easy or shortcut way). I tried to cut my workload but management’s trust in me and their culture is not allowing me to. To elaborate the statement further, I am working in an unhealthy organizational culture where competition is everything. From Top to bottom, everyone is encouraged to compete among each other.  In this culture, I succeeded for 4 straight years by beating the big bulls and taking every spotlight from them. I proved myself and management counts on me. Now if I back down, those big bulls will laugh at me and my liaisons. Those who trusted on me and rated me high, their decision is at stake. But as I stated earlier,  the champion in me is tired and fading away.  I am losing friends because I cannot give them time. I am unsettled with my girlfriend because she always complains that I am diverted. I am struggling financially because the company does not have good perks. Even on off-days, my clients want my involvement because of the nature of my work. I am tired, sleepy and always in a hurry.  Now, in my 31st year of my life, these are the things I feel in myself. Several times I’ve thought about changing my employer, but I live in a middle class struggling economy where unemployment is at a boom.  Everywhere the employers are exploiting people. After several analyses, I dropped the idea of shifting because I do have respect here. People take me as an example here. I started from scratch and fought my battles alone, and right now I am a wolf who hunts alone with a solution to every problem.  Do I work myself too hard? Do I think too much? Do I not respect myself enough? Should I learn to say No?  Where am I wrong?  Initially I made a mistake of taking too much on to please the higher management and prove myself, but now that burden and that image is pulling me down. Financially I am doing ok (not so bad not so good).  What should I do ? 

Hi Stunner_boss123 –

So let me start with what might sound like an odd comment – Congratulations!  You are a great success in your company.  It’s rare that someone can, as you said, “take on the bulls” and win, and you have.  And you’ve done so in a really tough field, satisfying customers at a time when pretty much the whole world is dissatisfied!

But things are changing.  You’re becoming unhappy in this job, and it’s even taking a toll on your relationships.  So what do you do now?

I think there’s an answer, but it’s a vague one:  You Need To Do Something Different. I just have no idea what that is!

It makes me think of two big stories in the news recently.  In the Olympics, you may have followed Simone Biles, who many say is the greatest gymnast of all time.  The world was excited to see what she’d do, and she… made a small mistake.  One move, just a bit wrong.  And she realized this meant she needed to step back, and not compete for a while.  Suddenly everyone everywhere seemed to have an opinion – she’s a quitter, she’s a heroine, she’s a mess….  I think the truth is that she’s very smart, and saw that she needed to do something different from what she had been doing, or she might have hurt herself horribly. 

Then we get to what I just wrote about, if you saw my latest newsletter, the U.S. army pulling out of Afghanistan.  A way bigger deal than a gymnast choosing to step aside for a week!  But in some ways the same story.  What the army had been doing there wasn’t working to achieve their goals, and it was becoming clear the way they were doing things would never work.  So they stepped aside.  Did they do a perfect job of leaving?  I’ll let military historians judge that.  But regardless, for better or worse in many ways, the leaders made a decision and moved on.

Now you’ve intelligently looked around at other local companies, and seen that things might well stay the same if you went to work for one of them.  Again, good job!  But you’re right – this is sapping your energy and your enjoyment of life, so something needs to change.

Off the top of my floppy-eared head, a few thoughts that come to my mind are:  Drop your friends and girlfriend (I don’t like that idea but it would take a lot of your stress out); leave this entire career and go back to school to learn another one you like better (my human friend Handsome did that when he was older than you, and considers it one of the best decisions of his life, almost as good as buying me!); become a teacher at a business school, or a motivational speaker, using all the great wisdom you developed in your years of success; or maybe best of all, become a consultant to companies on how to build efficiency by treating their employees with more respect, in a way that fosters friendly mutually-supportive competition within the organization instead of all the negativity that’s bringing you down; or, maybe if it will work, do just what you were suggesting at the end of your letter, and start telling your bosses that you won’t do quite as much as you have been.

This isn’t a minor issue, Stunner_boss123.  Business people have heart attacks in their 30s, they become alcoholics from work stress, and as you’re finding, they can lose their friends, their romances, and even their families.  The same intelligence that’s made you such a champion there is also making you realize how bad this is for you.

I wish you didn’t have to make this decision at such a young age.  But I don’t mind that you have to make it sometime.  Life is such a gift, and you are likely looking at the beginning of a huge adventure.  Will that involve marriage?  Children?  A whole new career?  Moving out of your town?  I don’t know.

All I know is that you’re right, and in order to keep your life-energy flowing, you need to change something about the way you’re living right now.

If I can help in any way – even just to “bounce ideas off” – I’d be honored.  But for now, just know that I’m fully on your side in agreement.  It’s time to become champion again, but in a new way!

Wishing you strength and passion!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you realize you’ve let things go too far in a new relationship

jhalli asks:

One day I was scrolling my Ok-Cupid Id and found a guy.  He’s overseas for his Masters study. We talk with each other and shared our number. We did a voice call and shared many things like my past relationships, his past relationships and flings, and what he and I want from us.  He said he wanted a serious relationship and I wanted that too. He explained me that he will come to India in December, and after his masters, he will look for a job back there. As we live so far from each other, not able to meet face to face frequently, he explained me that he will ask for photos and videos.  In this week, we barely talked about being together in relationship, as he was always busy with final project submission on coming Friday. He promised me that he would be totally free after submission and talked to me after this Friday. We did a video call three times. In these video call, he saw me with only a towel and I saw him all naked. I teased him with a lot of my intimate photos and videos (bare back, and bare shoulders, etc).  But yesterday, I blocked him from everywhere I don’t know why. 
My friends are saying he is not a good person and he will wrongly use my photos/videos. That I should find someone real not virtual. I don’t know what I should do? Should I trust him and give him or us a chance to move further in this?

Hi Jhalli –

I have to say, for the first ¾ of your letter, I was absolutely charmed.  What a beautiful story, how wonderful that two such lovely people met and connected this way.  And then, of course, when it got to the video calls, suddenly I got concerned.

Let me start by saying I have no idea whether this guy is good or bad, and nothing he’s done tells me one way or the other.  So I’m not going to push you toward or away from him.

But I do think what’s really important here is your own sense of your own boundaries. I don’t think you’ve done anything too awful (can he really get much use out of displaying a photo of your bare back?), but  you clearly did things you don’t feel comfortable with.  And that’s all that matters to me.

I’m sure that he was shocked when you blocked him, no matter what his intentions were.  And so my inclination is that you ought to reconnect with him, just so you both can discuss what happened.

But here’s my big argument – if and when you do reconnect with him, I think you need to explain that what made you run away and block him was that you guys went too far for you.  WAY too far.  And whatever happens between you, this can’t happen again.

Then you can see how he responds.  If he agrees, and says he’s sorry if you felt pressured, and all he wants is to create a beautiful relationship with you, and he feels stupid for letting things go so far…  I’m really inclined to suggest that you give him another chance.

And if he instead laughs at your feelings, and calls you prudish, and says you’re stupid to worry about such things… then maybe your friends have a good point and he’s someone to let go.

But for now, you don’t know.  All you know is that you and he both got swept up in your love for each other and your mutual attraction, and let things go way further than you feel is appropriate (and let’s be honest, I love being chased by boy dogs in the dog park, and I’ll bet it was really exciting and fun to pose for those pictures and see how excited he got looking at your beauty!).

So I’d say to see what happens.  But more simply, I’m saying to be kind, but especially be kind to yourself.  Which means to be strong.

You’re worth it.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend wants you to loan money to his family

K-Xengah asks: Hi Shirelle,

Once upon a time my relationship was great. I had an understanding partner who respected me and was always there for me. But things just slowly started changing ever since he started having intense family drama. He’s in the relationship but not there. He always wants me to be there for him but can’t be there for me. It feels like he is there for everyone else but me. And what stresses me out is that he never understands when I can’t help him out with something. Sometimes it just feels like I always have to be ready to always be more there for him than I am there for myself.  For instance today he was supposed to send money to one of his relatives but was short of a certain amount, and because of that his family kept putting him under pressure to send the money. So he asked me for a small top up, which I didn’t have. And he wanted me to credit from someone, and I made it clear to him that it wasn’t a guarantee I would find the amount because I already owe people money because of him. And I expected him to understand. He told me to call him at a certain time to tell him if I got the money but I didn’t do that cause I was still trying to find the money, and failed at it. Not knowing he had gone to get money from some drug dealer which “I was supposed to help him pay back” without me knowing or asking me. And now he gets upset with me because I don’t have the money when he didn’t even inform me of his decision in the first place.  I’m just really tired of this stagnancy and these issues. They are emotionally draining. Please advise.

Hi K-Xengah –

I have to say, my feelings about this guy changed throughout reading your letter.  At first my sense was that this was a great guy who cared about his family and you often felt “second place” in his consideration; that happens a lot, and there are very good ways to deal with it.  Then it got to being about money, and that made me a bit concerned; “he wants her to loan his family money?  I’m not so sure about this…”  Then it got to you saying you were already in debt because of money you’d given him, and then this whole thing with him getting money from a drug dealer and saying you’ll pay them back?

My opinion of him has turned completely.

My friend, the issue here isn’t about his family or how he deals with them.  It’s about how he treats you.   No matter how much pressure his family puts on him, it’s unfair of him to ask you to come up with the money.  And any guy who’d take a loan from a criminal and give them your name to pay it back is my idea of complete bad news.  All the way.

I realize that in the past he was great, but for whatever reasons there might be, now he’s not.  My advice – harsher than I usually give – is for you to let him know that your relationship is off for now, and that you don’t even want to hear from him until he’s paid the drug dealer off.  Then you two can talk about creating a better relationship – which likely does mean he’s going to need to tell certain family members that they need to find other sources of cash than him. 

But that’s a longer-term issue for him.  Right now I want you safe.  And as great a guy as he might be in other ways, or have been in the past, he’s breaking the one biggest rule any boyfriend has, which is to protect his partner from harm.  He’s putting you into harm instead.  And that just has to end.

Okay, enough of a barking rant on my side.  You said that you’re tired of the stagnation, while I’m responding to fear of you being in danger.  Both are true, and you deserve better, and my guess is that your boyfriend knows that.

Help him be better.  It’ll be good for both of you.

All my best,

Shirelle

4 Number 100! – the relevance of math today

It’s my 100^th Pawprint!  Isn’t that exciting!

Actually it means nothing.  No more than #97 or #102.  I’m very proud to have kept it going this long, but the big deal about the number 100 is just that humans have ten fingers!  If you don’t count the dew-claw higher up our legs, we have four toes on each foot, so we look at eight on our forelegs.  So should I have gone all celebratory when The Pawprint had its 64^th issue?!

But this all leads me to thinking about something important. 

I’ve been thinking about the meaning of 100.  And the main thing I come to is…  geez I’m a dog and don’t even quite understand what a hundred is!  I just keep doing what I like and Handsome tells me that’s how many it is, but… that it!

You see, dogs can’t do math, but people can.  And mathematics (and its higher forms like Algebra and Calculus) have enabled the human race to all sorts of technological achievements, from movies and television, where you can watch that actor William Shatner pretend like he’s been sent into space, to rocket science, which just last week sent… um… that actor William Shatner into space!

But even so, with all your splendid achievements, I so often see humans not grasp the basics of math, the stuff you’re supposed to learn before you’re thirteen.

(Now for what it’s worth, I, like many smarter dogs, have actually achieved some mathematical calculations.  Stepping out of my house and seeing a squirrel, I used to run straight at it – while it would run to a tree and get away from me.  I figured out over time that if I run for the tree instead, I have a better chance of catching him, since he’s going to run there by instinct even though I’m headed that direction.  Cool, huh?  Handsome tells me this is because I innately understand something called the Pythagorean Theorem, but I prefer to argue that we dogs invented the field called Tree-gonometry!)

So let’s start with one of my pet peeves.  Ever since we were in a bad car accident some years back, Handsome has insisted on putting me in a harness whenever we drive on a freeway.  I hate it – it’s hard for me to move around, it’s uncomfortable, and… okay, yeah, it saved my life in that accident.

            But that’s just me not going through a window.  What about you guys?  Well, safety organizations say that, in crashes, seat belts save lives about 50% of the time.  Now I can see you saying “Well that’s not that much.  And car crashes that bad are pretty rare.  And I hate putting that belt on.  So I don’t think I will.”

            Wrong!  See, that annoying belt doesn’t just save your life.  It can keep you from getting injured too.  Or getting thrown out of your seat, which could make a crash way worse.

            And when that awful crash occurs – when that big truck is bearing down on you, or your driver falls asleep at the wheel, or when your car suddenly spins out across a highway (which is what happened to us!)… I’ll bet you’ll be glad you took a 50% improvement in survival chances!

            But one question I hear a lot – what about when seat belts kill?  Isn’t it true that someone trapped in a burning car, or whose car has fallen into a lake, might make it out more easily if they didn’t have a belt on? 

            Well yes.  And about a half of one percent of crashes involve fire or water.  But your odds of keeping conscious in such an accident are far better if you are wearing a seat belt.  And nobody unconscious figures out how to get out of a burning or flooding car!

            “But,” I hear one of you yell, “What about air bags?  Don’t they keep us safe when they inflate?”  Actually, no.  Air bags are set at a certain height assuming the passenger will be in a seat belt!  If you’re not belted in, that inflation might actually break your neck!  (That’s also a good reason to remember to keep your dog in the back seat, always.  You might like the feel of the pup being up front with you, but in a crash, their chances are awful up there).

            So did you see my math?  50% survival, .5% fire and water?  Cool, huh?

            Okay, here’s another.  In 2016, in the U.S., alcohol-impaired driving figured in 28% of traffic deaths, and 17% of those involving a child.  Now that’s more interesting.  “So you’re saying that 72% of traffic deaths, and 83% of those involving a child, had only sober drivers?!  Well those are sizable majorities!  So doesn’t that mean we’re better off drinking and driving, rather than not?!”  No, and that’s why I’m saying you need to use better math!

            The vast majority of drivers aren’t drunk.  About 18% of drivers admit to having driven “buzzed” in the past year, and obviously most of them drive most of the time not in that state.  So let’s guess some people lie and some people drink and drive a lot, and so let’s say that at any time 5% of drivers are over the limit (I’m making this part up; I imagine the actual number is far smaller).  Then that means an impaired driver is about six times more likely to be in a fatal car accident (5×6 = 30, close to 28) than a sober one. 

            I’m too goofy all the time to say that a person doesn’t have the right to enjoy a drink that makes them feel as good as me.  But math tells you – be careful when you do.  I’d hate for you to be arrested for it, but even more for you to hurt someone and feel horrible the rest of your life about it. 

            Math can’t prevent mistakes, but it sure can reduce them if you use it correctly.

            All right, another math question I get asked about often:  When is a good age to start dating, or marry?  Well, the first one has two answers.  A legal one and an emotional one.

            The legal one depends on where you live.  Find out what the laws are – what can teenagers do and not do?  And are there laws about the difference in ages (such as if an 18-year-old dates a 15-year-old)?  Getting in trouble for these can be horrible for the rest of your life, even labeling you a child molester just for dating someone who looks older than they are!  So be super careful about that one!

            But emotionally?  I’m a big fan of holding on to childhood and its innocence for a long time.  And that when the joys and excitements of romance begin, taking things S L O O O O W !   Why?  Because you’re only young once!  There are so many delightful “stops along the way,” as the old song says, so enjoy each one.  And let yourself mature at your own rate; don’t let someone push you into something before you’re ready.  I’m not anti-romance in any way; rather I’m saying to savor it as it comes.  You’ll be amazed at how many old married couples, who have had the ability to do anything they felt like for decades, really treasure a walk holding hands.  Why not learn what they know?

            But marriage?  Oh now I get to go mathematical on you!  In the U.S. (which mostly doesn’t have arranged marriages), 48% of those who marry before the age of 18 will divorce within ten years.  While only half that many divorce if they marry after age 25.  Now maybe you say you don’t care about divorce.  Well you’ll care when the lawyer bills come.  And if you have to split custody of children with someone who disliked you enough to break up with you! 

But maybe you say “Oh but that won’t be us; we’re truly in love and know we’ll stay together like those other 52%.”  And all I can say to that is that every single one of the 48% who divorced believed they were in it forever too.  (And some of that 52% didn’t divorce because one of them died!  Ouch!)

            Okay, then here’s another one that I think is really important.  An adult German shepherd runs about 30 miles per hour, and an adult human runs, on average, between five and seven mph.  The fastest man ever measured just over 23 mph.  So when considering doing something like climbing into a yard or sneaking into a home with a dog, DO THE MATH!  Unless it’s a Maltese, you can’t outrun that pooch, so do the Algebra:  How long will it take you to run the distance you need to, and how long will it take the dog to catch you?  If the answer to the first isn’t well shorter than the second… it’s a very very bad idea!

            And last but by no means least… the area where I’ve seen the most bad math ever is in  dealing with this insufferable virus!  Every day I hear people say that because someone who wore a mask died, masks don’t work, or because someone who’d been vaccinated got sick, they’re fake medicine.

            The statistics are so simple, though.  Here’s the deal: if ANYTHING was 100% effective against Covid, we’d know about it and someone would be getting very very rich off of it.  But just as with colds and cancer, humans have not found a perfect preventative or cure (Yet!). 

            In the meantime, here’s what we know.  The vaccines out there reduce a person’s chances of picking the virus up from someone else by 50-95% (depending on age, health, and the particular vaccine).  And if a person gets it, vaccines reduce their chance of passing it on by about 50% — and reduces their chance of hospitalization by 64%, and dying of it by 70-90% (depending on their age). 

            Does that mean a vaccine is 100% effective?  No of course not, no more than seat belts or driving sober.  But it improves your chances, and those of people around you, incredibly.

            Now you may have health reasons why you don’t want to take a vaccine.  That’s fine.  But if you don’t – what else are you doing to stop this thing’s ridiculous spread?  Staying distant?  Keeping yourself as healthy as possible?  Or maybe wearing a mask, which reduces your chance of spreading by 70%!

            In other words, my dear friends, here’s the bad news: this whole thing has been preventable!  Sure, it began with lots of confusion and mistakes, but if everyone had masked and distanced a year and a half ago, you would have had it almost completely under control, and then the vaccines would have eradicated it at once. 

            Just think about that.

            If people had just done the math… SO MUCH would have been different!

            But it’s not too late.  You, just you, that 1/7,000,000,000^th of people today, can make a difference.  As with so many of the gifts that your humanity gives you, math enables you to make great decisions that help everyone, and dumb decisions that make the world worse.  At no time in history has the human race been more prepared and able to handle a new disease than in this past year.  And while much of what you’ve done has been astounding, you could have done so much better.

Because in the end, all the math ever discovered isn’t as important as the most basic number: One.  The one person you love who gets sick.  The one person left alone by a loss.  And the one person most important to me right now:  You. 

You see, here’s what is amazing about this situation: What you do for yourself in this regard helps everyone else.  And what you do for others helps you.

And that’s more true, and more frightening, and more beautiful, than any math equation ever discovered.

Take it from an expert tree-gonometrist!

0 Is it wrong to be bothered by my boyfriend hanging out with other people all the time?

kiara123 asks: Hey! I’ve been with this boy for almost 2 years now. We’re long distance and I feel like I’ve started to become toxic. I love him a lot but I don’t understand why I get jealous when he’s out partying or planning trips with his friends. I have no friends at all so I think I don’t understand how life really is with friends. I know all these feelings are wrong and toxic but I just don’t know how to help it. I try really hard to make myself understand that it’s ok and I never tell him what to do. I don’t wanna be a controlling girlfriend and I want him to be happy but I can’t seem to get rid of this miserable feeling. His friends drink and smoke a lot and are kind of cheap so that makes me a bit insecure. There are a couple of things that bother me besides this. He uses Snapchat a lot and that’s fine by me. He can snap anybody he wants but he doesn’t send me snaps. I think he sends snaps to everyone except me and that hurts. He does send me a snap separately but it’s just a black screen. It’s not like I wanna know what he’s doing or where he is, it’s just that i don’t want him sending snaps to people and not me.

Hi kiara123 –

I can really relate!  When Handsome goes out to work or to meet with friends, he almost always locks me in the yard.  Sure, he gives me a goodbye kiss and tells me how much he cares about me – but then he heads off and does whatever with all these other people, and sometimes with other dogs!  Do I think he’s purposely being mean to me?  No.  Do I think he’s doing anything out there that would upset me?  No.

But do I like it when he does it?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Now in my case, he often doesn’t have a choice.  There are laws about where he can and can’t take a dog.  But that’s not true for you.  So in your case, I have a question:

Why can’t you be there?

If he’s hanging out with all-male groups, especially if they’re doing things you don’t like, okay, I can see that.  But the rest of the time, why is he leaving you behind? 

And I’m asking sincerely.  It might be that he would like to have you around, but feels you would be unhappy there, or make him feel bad for having the fun he’s having.  And if that’s the case, maybe it’s something you could adjust.  For example, while you might not drink or smoke, if you’re with him when he’s doing that, you could be the designated driver, helping everyone get home safely and without any legal trouble.

Or is it that he’s excluding you?  Is he choosing to go out with others, and send pictures to others, keeping you out of it all, for some reason of his own?  If so, I think it would make a lot of sense for you to find out why!  It doesn’t make you a “controlling girlfriend” to ask him.  In fact, it could help your relationship along, by helping you understand him better.

And I’ll throw in another thought.  Maybe it’s time for you to get some friends of your own.  Not that they’d be against your relationship with him, but just friendships alongside it.  So you’d have people to talk with and go out with as well.  Just because you haven’t had such friendships doesn’t mean you couldn’t get some now!

But regardless of that, see if you can get to the bottom of why he’s doing these things.  Just because I’m locked in with no one to talk to but the squirrels and birds doesn’t mean you have to be!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Beauty and The Best … remembering my friend Dilla

            I hate loss.  All dogs do.  We don’t even like it when our humans leave home for a few hours, locking us in.  But that’s because we’re so afraid you’re not going to come back!  Ever!

            And what we hate worst is when someone doesn’t come back.  When we lose someone we love, never to see them again.

            In some cases, that includes missing the music of their laughter, or even the charm and beauty of their face.  But not always.  Sometimes we can lose someone who made the worst sounds, and looked, well, kinda ugly.  And that loss can hurt just as much, if not more, because in those cases all we felt for them was love.  Pure love. 

            That was my wonderful friend Dilla.

            I met Dilla when he was left to stay “for just a little while” at my neighbors’ home.  Their son and his girlfriend had adopted this little pup, but then broke up, so neither had a place to keep him anymore.  The son knew his parents were great dog lovers (And oh they are!  Handsome sometimes worries I love them even more than him!  I don’t, but I am crazy about them, and just adore making him worry about it!), and figured they’d take good care of him till he was able to get a place of his own that would accept dogs.

            Well, you’ve probably heard that old line about “Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it!”?

            That young man’s parents fell so hard in love with Dilla – and he with them – that, by the time he had an appropriate home, it was too late.  Dilla was theirs and they were his, and he would only be able to see his pup on visits from then on!

            Now all this sounds pretty normal, right?  We dogs attach easily, and our hearts are big enough to hold more than just one person or household inside. 

            What wasn’t normal was Dilla.

            This was a family that had always had, and loved, big beautiful dogs.  Labrador Retrievers and such – noble beasts who can protect you, hunt with you, and wrestle with you with joy and gusto.  Dilla was maybe a sixth their size, with tiny delicate feet at the end of his spindly legs, so everyone had to be extra-careful in petting him.  His body wasn’t a long lean runner’s figure like mine; his was more… well, his people usually referred to it as a “lima bean.”

            And his face?  Well, that’s where things get more serious.  To most people’s eyes, Dilla’s was as ugly a mug as exists.  Big eyes bugging diagonally, a shoved-in nose, and a mouth all full of fleshiness, with a tongue that stuck out the side.  Handsome described his look as “Like someone ripped the wings off of a bat!”  Could anyone love such a face?

            Everyone did.  At first sight.

            Why was that?  Sure he was a sweet, playful pup, but there was more to it.  Dilla’s homeliness brought out a squeeze in the hearts of everyone who met him.  While a Maltese or Pekinese might look more pretty, it was Dilla who everyone always wanted to pick up and hug.  As if, maybe, just the right hug could bring out the beauty in the beast.  (But no, none ever did!)

            Now, there’s a lot people can learn from Dilla.  Sure, all humans love beauty.  But they love the beautiful in a mixture of awe, respect, and desire.  Beauty isn’t endearing.  (You don’t look at a photo of Selena Gomez or the Hemsworths and feel “awwwwwww.”  But you might at a shriveled little old man with a walker!).  What made Dilla endear so much was how true he was to himself, and how much he accepted his appearance.  He didn’t pull back and ask if you thought he was good-looking enough; he ran to you, snorted, licked you out of the side of his mouth, and dropped a drooly toy into your lap, demanding you play with him.

            (Handsome says, in his book about me, that one of my strengths is that I know how to “Initiate Play.”  But Dilla demanded it!  An at-least equal strength!)

            A beautiful rose in a garden sits there, waiting for you to see and appreciate it.  A beautiful woman or man at a bar might do the same.  But Dilla’s energy didn’t allow for that – it exploded at you, taking you over, changing you, winning you into his world of growling pretend fury (he was not one to cheerfully fetch a ball and ask you to toss it again; he would roar at the ball, then tug-of-war with you before letting you have it, and then bark at you to throw it – everything gruff, everything adorable – and I have no words for the ways he would pretend-fight with his original best-human-friend.  Imagine raging violence with no actual harm done, all pure love – that’s about as well as I can describe it).  His fury was love, and his love was furious.  And when he was done with you, you were the same way!

            Dilla lived a full and joyous life, loved by all.  Unlike so many of us, he wasn’t felled by cancer or an accident; he kept snorting and growling and chasing till one day his body just gave out.  He’d gone blind and deaf, and was sleeping almost all day, but still his spirit never faltered.

            And soon after he went, it rained.  It rained in Southern California in August.  Please understand, it NEVER rains in Southern California in August!  In the middle of a drought, no less! 

            Some may say it was the angels weeping for Dilla.  But I say no – it was Dilla laughing, peeing on all the trees everywhere, making mud when no one expected it, maybe even making some people slip and mess up their clothes.

            With the message he always gave:  Be yourself so passionately that even your ugly is beautiful.  Love so strongly you make others love what you do.  And furiously grab life for all you can.

            Good night my beautiful friend.  And thank you.

0 What to do when you hate your father and think all men will be like him

Soumyaguna asks:

My problem is somewhat serious and hard to handle.

It’s about my father

Father has always been a Hero figure for almost every kid since their childhood reflecting strength and having a back every time and Mother being the righteous figure of nature, morals and ethics.

But for me these figures didn’t last long, not even 10 years.

I don’t know why my men are so dominating. My father may be a good father, but he was never a good MAN, husband or anything.

He became my example of how men are from the start, which I used to hate a lot.

Later I tried a lot to change my perception and try to understand him, but whenever I try to do so, I end up releasing new facts about him which leads me to hate him even more. 

This man has always tortured my mother mentally, hurts her, disrespects her. Whenever it has been in front of me, I have always stood by her like a pillar and yelled at him a lot of times. 

But every time he starts off idiot drama by saying, “yes when I’ll die, everything will be sorted.”

I’m always alone in this fight.

My mother doesn’t speak up for herself fearing maybe he’ll harm himself and things will go worse.

My elder sister also keeps mum fearing what if they part their ways.

But I’m not okay with any of this, why will she suffer every time. Whenever he is angry, frustrated, he takes it out on mother. He disrespects her so freaking much.

And above all this he talks nicely about mother’s friends, he kind of flirts with them too.

such an insult he is for me. 

I’m ashamed that this man is my father

I want to take a way out, I don’t know what to do.

I want my mother happy, I even want my father to actually die.

Please help me in taking out a solution which will be good for everyone.

Hi Soumyaguna –

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.  In a way you’re dealing with something everyone has to go through, but you’ve got an especially awful case of it.

Children and Puppies are born programmed to trust and idolize the humans that care for them.  They believe those adults are perfect, because if they don’t, the world is too terrifying for them to survive. 

In dogs, this belief might last an entire lifetime.  In humans, though, we count on it going away eventually.  This usually happens in the teen years, when humans start questioning all sorts of authority – their teachers, their religions, their governments… and especially their parents.  We hear about it all the time, teens rebelling for no reason, driving parents nuts with their sullenness or anger.  “It’s a phase.”  Right?

Well in your case, no, it’s more than a phase.  You have some real problems about your father, and about your parents’ marriage.  And it drives you nuts that you haven’t been able to solve them.

And here’s the awful news.  Most likely, you can’t. 

Your mother has chosen to stay in this relationship, for whatever reasons she has.  And whether it’s due to his creating fear of him hurting himself, or just because she feels she doesn’t deserve (or can’t get) something better, that has kept this dynamic going.

But you do have a job here.  The job every person has in their family.  The job of making a life that’s better than the one you were born into.

In many cases, parents work terribly hard at jobs they hate so they can send their children to school to get better and better-paying jobs.  In others, parents dream of their kids living healthier lives than theirs. 

In your case, your job is to find – and create – better relationships than this. 

I promise you, all men aren’t like your dad.  (At the very least, I can tell you that my human, Handsome, is kind and generous to a fault, especially to me!)  There are men out there who are kind and nurturing and loyal and want nothing more than to make their partners and children happy. 

In fact… are you sitting down?…  MOST men are like that!

Your job – and it might be a lifelong struggle – will be to build relationships with men that aren’t like your parents’ marriage.  It won’t be easy.  You’ll find a guy who seems great and then for some reason starts acting just like your dad.  Can you change him?  Or do you have to leave?  You’ll have to decide those things for yourself.  (And just to be clear, even if you end up having romantic/sexual relationships with women instead, you will still have many other kinds of relationships with men – as coworkers, as neighbors, as family, maybe your sons!)

But no matter what, I promise you, a better life lies ahead.  And as you create it, your mother will watch you and, even if she can’t say it in words, her heart will be so happy to see what you accomplish.  And who knows, maybe over time your creating a better life might even inspire your dad to change his ways, at least a little.

It’s happened before!

So go forward with hope and love.  You can do this!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when another girl answers his phone

Juicybest asks:

I’m in a new relationship that’s barely up to a month, I called my boyfriend three days ago at night; a girl picked up his call and started asking me who I am.  In the background I could hear him telling her to stop and give the phone back… do you think I should let go of the relationship?

Hi Juicybest –

Okay, as a dog I have a pretty limited imagination, and even I can come up with a few scenarios for this situation:  She’s his sister, she’s his ex who was there trying to win him back, she’s a friend who thought this was funny, she’s… 

I don’t know.  And neither do you.

But you do know someone who does know, who knows everything you want to know: 

HIM!

I can’t guarantee that what he says will be true, but the only way for you to comfortably move forward is to ask him what was going on.

But wait – this happened three days before you wrote me?  What’s he said in the meantime?  Have you guys talked?  At all?  Has he offered any sort of explanation?  Have you confronted him on this?

If you can let me know what he’s said (if anything), I might be able to help more.  But for now, just give him a chance to respond.  Then, if his response stinks… sure, throw him out with the garbage!  But if it’s okay and sounds believable?  Maybe he deserves your trust for at least a bit more.

Good Luck!

Shirelle

4 A Human Tragedy … the importance of humility

This is a very sad week in my country.  Twenty years ago, after we’d been attacked, we sent our armies to the country where our attackers came from.  But the hope was that we’d not only find our attackers and get justice, but also bring a better government to that country, one that would prove better to both its people and the rest of the world.

This week, as we removed our armies, who’d been there much longer than anyone had intended, the people who’d been running things before we got there, who had supported and protected our attackers, took over the country again.  To a greater degree than they’d been before we went there. 

Over here, countless veterans feel depressed and even betrayed.  They gave their youth, often parts of their bodies, and worst of all their friends, to a cause that seems to have disappeared.  It doesn’t matter whether one here supported the mission there or not; it’s impossible for our hearts not to break over what these brave young (and no longer so young) people are experiencing. 

(And I’m not even talking about the people in Afghanistan who believed in the government we enforced, who now fear for their lives – though the new/old government has promised to not act vengefully on them;  we can just hope and pray they keep that promise.)

Many people will criticize the US’s exit as badly done or badly planned.  And others will criticize the cause that our soldiers fought for itself.  But I think they’re all missing the point.  The cause was noble-minded, and this withdrawal isn’t a mistake by our current president, or the previous one who’d set it up.  The mistakes happened 20 years ago.  What’s happening now was and is inevitable.

How do we know?  Because it’s happened before.  Many times.

If you have studied American history, you probably know about the Korean War, or the Vietnam War, or the Iraq War.  In all three cases, the United States sent armies to change the governments of troubled nations.  And in every case, the U.S. failed.  At best (as in Korea), they managed to effect a lasting stalemate.  At worst (Vietnam), they left a horrific legacy, which only made the conquering army more vicious on those they beat. 

But of course the U.S. isn’t the only nation to make this mistake.  France had the same experience in Vietnam, and the U.S.S.R. had the same experience in Afghanistan.  And this recent war actually involved many other nations as well as the U.S.  And there are countless other examples of this throughout history, maybe most famously the ways Napoleon and Hitler were each defeated by the Russians they expected to easily conquer.

What went wrong?

Well, military historians who know a great deal more than I can give you detailed answers.  But to this doggy’s eyes, the initial problem for all of them was a lack of basic humility.

“Humility?  Are you crazy, Shirelle?” I hear you yell!  “But wars are about pride and force!  Humility has no place there!  You sure aren’t humble when you chase squirrels, are you!”

No I’m not arguing that soldiers should be anything other than the brave heroes they are.  But soldiers don’t plan these wars.  Leaders do.  And it’s up to those leaders to learn from the past, before they send a single brave young soul into battle.  (And it’s very interesting to note how rarely wars like this are started by people with military experience; veterans seem to know what can and cannot work much better than non-vets who pretend to be warriors)

Today, Americans who remember the end of the Vietnam War are experiencing déjà vu.  “It’s the fall of Saigon all over again,” they cry.  And they’re right.  But that didn’t start this week.  Twenty years ago, many voices warned the US’s leaders, “Watch out.  You’re going into another Vietnam.”  And the leaders laughed them off.  “No,” they argued, “We’re much smarter than the idiots who made those mistakes.  We know what we’re doing.”

They didn’t.

The military minds behind the Vietnam War were anything but stupid.  And Napoleon and the Nazis were so brilliant in their strategies they both came close to taking over the whole world. 

But they were also arrogant.  Simple timeless lessons such as that people will fight to the end for their homeland, that no one wants soldiers from another place ruling them, or that democracies by definition arise from the people and not from outside – were not heeded.  Instead, idiotic beliefs such as “We could’ve won Vietnam if we’d just been more ruthless” won out.  They weren’t true then, and they aren’t now.

History shows that nations can help other nations grow, modernize, and become freer.  But never this way.  They do it by helping the people do what they want.  That includes with their traditions, their religion, and even their undemocratic views.  It’s not easy, and never has been.  That’s why there’s a U.N., and why its success rate is so slow (but far better than if it weren’t there).

It’s also a reason to believe that the new/old Taliban government in Afghanistan will do just fine… but only for a little while… unless they adapt to the people there.  Women, for example, have now had twenty years of experiencing civil rights.  If these guys think they’ll willingly give them up just because the president fled, I think they’re more ignorant of history than we’ve been!  And the simple fact is that no one has ever been able to control the Afghan people!

So why am I writing this to you?  Well, two reasons.  First, because many of you vote, or will vote.  And I urge you to not fall into the trap my country has so often – believing that your country and your system are so wonderful that other nations want you to come in and take them over.  Even with the best intentions.

But also because every one of you has choices to make in life.  And while we dogs may be far less brainy than you in so many ways, we are pretty good at humility.  We’ll defend ourselves, but we’d never believe that other dogs want us to take over their homes. 

So please listen when I say that, when you’re on that date and she says no, she means it (you can try other means to get her to say yes, but just moving ahead as if she’d never said anything will only result in her developing anger and fear at you).  And when someone tells you he devoutly believes a different religion from yours, respect his right to it.  And when someone suggests that force will win someone else over to your point of view, just know that it never does.

Force has its place.  We pooches have teeth for a reason!  But it only works to demand what we want at a time.  I might bite a person who’s kicking me, or who’s threatening Handsome.  Or I might chomp down on some prey.  But I know enough to know that it’s not going to make that person stop disliking me or Handsome, or make that rabbit agree with my taste in music!

There’s an old adage, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”  Well, here’s hoping that all the old cultures of the world, as well as the newer ones, can learn the new trick of learning from the past. 

Because, as I often point out about science, history is simply truth.  And not learning from it means humans waste their great brains, and might as well be us.

And the results of that, as we’re seeing this week, are nothing less than tragic.

0 Is it okay to prefer to be alone?

Scarlett4 asks:

I am taking care of myself, but sometimes I feel like not to talk to anyone, just simply be in my company? Is it bad that I am loving this phase of staying alone manifesting and doing things of my own?

Hi Scarlett4 –

My friend, no one has ever been more social than your friend Shirelle.  I love my human friends, my doggy friends, and strangers of all species.  To me, waking in the morning is an invitation to excitement, my chance to meet, to interact, to jump on and lick everyone possible!

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t also love time alone.  Sitting in the yard watching for squirrels, or just sleeping under a tree.  Or, my greatest love, spending long afternoons and evenings with Handsome, watching him work or playing catch or taking walks or just lying nearby, loving feeling him close at hand.

Everyone needs both – time with others and time alone.  And no two beings are exactly alike.  Some people are called Extroverts, because most of their energy is about (and created by) others.  While others are called Introverts, as they are usually happiest (and charged up by being) alone.  There is nothing better or worse about either.  Politicians and salespeople pretty much have to be extroverts, while authors and composers have to be introverts. 

The only thing wrong with spending your time alone, my friend, is if you do it so much that you lose the ability to be comfortable with others.  So do spend some time in the company of other people.  But if you mostly like being alone, and are productive and happy when you are – no one has the right to tell you that’s wrong. 

And this puppy sure won’t try!

All my best,

Shirelle