What to do when you realize you’ve let things go too far in a new relationship

jhalli asks:

One day I was scrolling my Ok-Cupid Id and found a guy.  He’s overseas for his Masters study. We talk with each other and shared our number. We did a voice call and shared many things like my past relationships, his past relationships and flings, and what he and I want from us.  He said he wanted a serious relationship and I wanted that too. He explained me that he will come to India in December, and after his masters, he will look for a job back there. As we live so far from each other, not able to meet face to face frequently, he explained me that he will ask for photos and videos.  In this week, we barely talked about being together in relationship, as he was always busy with final project submission on coming Friday. He promised me that he would be totally free after submission and talked to me after this Friday. We did a video call three times. In these video call, he saw me with only a towel and I saw him all naked. I teased him with a lot of my intimate photos and videos (bare back, and bare shoulders, etc).  But yesterday, I blocked him from everywhere I don’t know why. 
My friends are saying he is not a good person and he will wrongly use my photos/videos. That I should find someone real not virtual. I don’t know what I should do? Should I trust him and give him or us a chance to move further in this?

Hi Jhalli –

I have to say, for the first ¾ of your letter, I was absolutely charmed.  What a beautiful story, how wonderful that two such lovely people met and connected this way.  And then, of course, when it got to the video calls, suddenly I got concerned.

Let me start by saying I have no idea whether this guy is good or bad, and nothing he’s done tells me one way or the other.  So I’m not going to push you toward or away from him.

But I do think what’s really important here is your own sense of your own boundaries. I don’t think you’ve done anything too awful (can he really get much use out of displaying a photo of your bare back?), but  you clearly did things you don’t feel comfortable with.  And that’s all that matters to me.

I’m sure that he was shocked when you blocked him, no matter what his intentions were.  And so my inclination is that you ought to reconnect with him, just so you both can discuss what happened.

But here’s my big argument – if and when you do reconnect with him, I think you need to explain that what made you run away and block him was that you guys went too far for you.  WAY too far.  And whatever happens between you, this can’t happen again.

Then you can see how he responds.  If he agrees, and says he’s sorry if you felt pressured, and all he wants is to create a beautiful relationship with you, and he feels stupid for letting things go so far…  I’m really inclined to suggest that you give him another chance.

And if he instead laughs at your feelings, and calls you prudish, and says you’re stupid to worry about such things… then maybe your friends have a good point and he’s someone to let go.

But for now, you don’t know.  All you know is that you and he both got swept up in your love for each other and your mutual attraction, and let things go way further than you feel is appropriate (and let’s be honest, I love being chased by boy dogs in the dog park, and I’ll bet it was really exciting and fun to pose for those pictures and see how excited he got looking at your beauty!).

So I’d say to see what happens.  But more simply, I’m saying to be kind, but especially be kind to yourself.  Which means to be strong.

You’re worth it.

Best of Luck!


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