0 What to do when your life makes no sense to you

Foolwhodream asks: I’m having a hard time. I don’t understand what is happening in my life and I’m living blindly. I feel like I’m not worth living in this world, what should I do to let good things happen in my life?

Hi Foolwhodream –

Of course, I don’t know anything more than what you tell me in your letter, so I don’t know what you’re having the hard time with, or what actually is happening in your life.  So I can’t speak to those (except to say that I watch humans a lot and it sure seems to me that all seven billion of you feel this way at times!).

What hurts my heart is when you say you feel like you’re “not worth living in this world.”  It reminds me of a movie Handsome showed me once, where a man believes everyone would be better off if he’d never lived, and an angel comes to show him what his world without him would be like.  I can tell you, that world is not good!  And I have a strong feeling that every “fool who dreams” makes the world around them better, so, for starters, let me just say I THINK YOU’RE WRONG about that part!!!

But to your question, about what to do to let good things happen in your life?  That’s a great question.   Especially as I see people all the time who seem to be doing everything possible to keep good things out of their lives.  So how to make things better?  Here are some ideas to try:

1)     Reach Out to Others.  There’s a line from an old musical I like to quote a lot, that instead of worrying about whether other people like you or not, you should just try liking them.  I find that people (and dogs) who’ve experienced rejection tend to assume everyone around them thinks they’re not good enough.  And the solution, as any happy pup can tell you, is that if you’re able to move past those fears and be friendly (even if that’s a fake-it-till-you-make-it deal), you’ll find others like you a lot, which will make you feel much better.

2)     Do Things You Continue reading

0 How to move on

Chewy asks: How to move on

Hi Chewy –

I’d be glad to help you with moving on, but I’d have to know what you’re moving on from!  The easy answer is Lao Tzu’s great line that “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”  In other words, the way to move on is to do anything to move forward.  Anything moves you on.  Then to learn what you can from that step, and use that knowledge to take the next.  At first you’re barely walking, but eventually you’re running as fast as me when I see Handsome has pizza!

If that helps, that’s great.  But if not, please let me know more!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to make a relationship work when both have hurt each other

Aval asks: I am 21 years old and have been in love with a man of my age for more than 4 years. We were happy, till I cheated on him with his best friend. I cried a lot and he accepted me back. But after that I hurt him many times by talking and being in touch with the third person. He showed his anger every time he got hurt. And ill-treated me in response. Which has left me hurt a lot. I am afraid that I’ll lose my temper and that could even end in break up. What should I do?? Should I give up my self-respect to live with him? Or should I move on?

Hi Aval –

This is a really tough situation. On one hand, you’re very open and honest about where you’ve gone wrong. But on the other… you’ve gone wrong a lot. It was hurtful for you to cheat with his best friend, and more by keeping things going in a way he didn’t like.

But now, he’s treating you badly. And the danger is that he might keep on doing it as long as you’re together.

The hardest thing about your situation is that, if you’d just made one or two mistakes, I’d be telling you that you could just talk with him and promise never to cheat again, but say you also need him to treat you with more respect, so that you two can make a better relationship than you’ve ever had – but I worry that, if you did, he’d say “Why should I believe you? You’re a cheater and a liar!”

And this takes me to the bigger question – Does Continue reading

0 What to do when you get blamed for everything wrong in the relationship

Priyankasodhi asks: My 8 months long relationship ended. I wasn’t able to go to my beloved’s place so he said I don’t want to be anymore in this relationship. We loved each other a lot, but we used to fight a lot. He always blamed me for everything always. He used to say, “You ruin the whole mood, you are making me go!” But I never really said anything to him. For example, we were having a good convo and I said “I love you” and in funny tone “cause you ain’t going to say it,” and he got furious at me. He said, How could you say this to me?!” I would wonder, “What did I just said to him? I know we aren’t any longer together, but I still wonder, was it all my fault?

Hi Priyankasodhi –

We dogs are the most loyal animals ever. We love our humans, and put up with all sorts of mistreatment and even abuse (Don’t get the wrong idea; Handsome doesn’t abuse me, except sometimes he hugs me so tight it makes me cough!). But even we will run away if we’re treated too badly.

Now there may be a lot of things you’re not telling me. Maybe you screamed all sorts of insults at your boyfriend. Maybe you hit him with a frying pan. So I can’t say anything for sure. But I can definitely say it sounds like you were trying to make this relationship work, while he was trying to find ways to blame you all the time.

And if that’s the case, then I have a simple answer for you: No! It wasn’t your fault that it broke up; it was ALL HIS!

Relationships are hard, and they need both people to want them to work. And if one member would rather find ways to insult or blame than to make the other feel good, there’s just no way they can succeed.

There’s an old term called “gaslighting,” which comes from a great play and movie about an evil man making his wife think she’s going insane. Now this guy isn’t that bad (or as good at it!), but he sure seems to have put a lot of effort into making you think you were doing something wrong, when instead he was doing it all.

So again, my answer to you is no, it wasn’t your fault. But my far happier statement to you is that your life is about to get SO MUCH BETTER as you move on in your life without him, and find other friends, and even another boyfriend, who treat you fairly and decently. (And if you’re really lucky, you’ll find a dog too, who’ll give you all the kisses and crazy love you’ve deserved this whole time!)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to Deal with a Relationship Lacking Trust

Suzi asks: I am in a huge mess… I’ve been in a relationship for the past 5 years and everything was going on – well I wont say smooth but well many ups and downs were going on… I have broken his trust quite a lot but not done anything wrong, I mean characterwise… just a couple of weeks ago I had a huge problem and somehow I managed it. There was a friend among us who told my boyfriend that if these things go on I will tell you to break up with her (meaning me). After that everything was smooth … I don’t know what has happened, but 2 days back my boyfriend started behaving with me very badly. I just told him to meet me, he said no, I said are you sure, he said I had again started the drama. Actually whatever I do he finds everything a drama… I am very afraid that if there is a break up what will I do… and my boyfriend thinks he is right in everything…. he does this with his family too.. its the boy on my life or i am in this world…!! My boyfriend is very short tempered and doesn’t understand anything. He is not a good listener. Can u please say what should I do now …please I am in a huge mess… I cant live without him….what will happen …??? What should I do.???

Hi Suzi –

This is a really tough situation.  On one hand, you’re acknowledging where you’ve gone wrong, and broken his trust.  But on the other… you haven’t gone wrong a lot.  Whatever it was that his friend was complaining about, it doesn’t sound like it was that bad.

But now, your boyfriend’s treating you badly.  And the danger is that he might keep on doing it as long as you’re together.

The hardest thing about your situation is that, if you’d just made one or two mistakes, I’d be telling you that you could just talk with him and promise never to cheat again, but say you also need him to treat you with more respect, so that you two can make a better relationship than you’ve ever had – but I worry that, if you did, he’d say “Why should I believe you?  You’re just creating drama!”

And this takes me to the bigger question – Does he want to stay in this relationship?  And if so, what does he envision it becoming?

So my best advice to you is, still, to sit down with him and talk about the relationship you want to have.  About faithfulness, about respect, about affection, about everything you want to have.  And when he responds (as he almost surely will) with anger and accusations, you’ll just need to calmly explain to him why he should trust you in the future.

And if that works, and he agrees to, then you two are in great great shape.  But if it doesn’t work, and he continues to treat you as less than him… then it may be best to just leave.  And to prepare yourself to begin a new relationship – one where both of you start off with a better sense of how to make things work.

I can relate to you – when Handsome first brought me home from the pound, I was just awful.  I chewed up tons of his stuff, was always biting him, and even had toilet training issues.  And he stepped on my tail a couple of times too!  But over time, we learned what each other needed, and how to trust.  And now, we’re better than most marriages seem, a great and happy couple.

Which is just where I hope you find yourself.  Soon!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to become a veterinary nurse

future asks: Hi, recently I have been thinking about my future a lot. Which therefore means I have some questions about my career choice, I want to be a veterinary nurse, so what path do I take to get that?

Hi future –

I’m afraid my experience with veterinary nursing has always been on the receiving end (OUCH!), so I’m no expert on how to become one. But I can tell you, on behalf of all the animals in the world, THANK YOU for wanting to do such a beautiful, selfless, job for your life.

I don’t know where you live, but most places have veterinary schools. If you’re near a big university, they’d be especially likely for it. My advice would be to do a web search of veterinary programs near you, and then to contact some of them and see what they recommend for you.

Maybe you need to take some other classes before you can attend theirs, or maybe there are some things you can do to improve your chances of being accepted (such as to volunteer at an animal hospital or barn?).

And of course you’ll want to check to see if you can get a scholarship or financial aid, if the cost of the classes is too high.

But whatever you do, again, I can’t thank you enough for even just WANTING to be there for us. We count on you. And are eternally grateful.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone gives you mixed signals

Pennelope0214 asks: So more about that boy I wrote you about before. We had a college DJ night the other day. First day he was all good telling me I look hot and all. The second day I was drunk, he didn’t come to me. But when I stopped dancing and was standing in a corner he came to me and asked me what’s wrong, I said that one of my friends said I’m smelling, he told me is nothing and come dance (He doesn’t like girls drinking). The other day we were in a lounge for a friend’s party, I didn’t drink that time. When we were returning back, he wrapped around me in a cab. We had great time together when I was not drunk. Day before yesterday, he made me jealous by going to tea with another girl when we used to go together; he didn’t even call me. But yesterday, he was all dressed up in formals, asked me for tea and then for a walk. Which I did but still jealous and kinda upset. It’s like he takes all the attention at once and gives it back whenever he desires. The first thing, if he liked me why would he make me jealous and the second thing, if he didn’t like me why would he try to change me by asking me to stop my bad habits?

Hi Pennelope0214 –

Well, I’m up a tree too; I have no idea what he wants or doesn’t.

With one exception: it’s extremely clear this boy cares about you a lot. He doesn’t like drinking (at least you say he doesn’t like girls drinking; does he think it’s okay for boys but not girls? I hate these double-standards; it’s like when I get told all the time “This is people food, go eat what’s in your bowl.” I mean, I like what’s in the bowl, but why can’t I have chocolate pudding and onions and a chicken drumstick?! [Okay, I actually do know why I’m not allowed those, but it’s still REALLY frustrating!]).

I mentioned in my earlier answer to you that he might just feel a brother-sister thing with you, and this would fit that. But then he’s WAY more physically affectionate (SOMETIMES) than siblings would be. So what in the world are you supposed to do?!

I have to stick with my thoughts from before. That you should Continue reading

0 How to find a friend when you feel alienated

Arjai101 asks: It’s cold. It’s dark. It’s depressing as hell. I’ve just been really stressed lately with school. I don’t really like my mom’s boyfriend, which is really causing a huge rift with my mom and I. It’s like we’re perpetually at war or something. Or maybe, I’m just a terrible person because I probably just have a weird obsession with hurting people. I feel this immense pressure in general with work. I’ve got to start chipping in a bit with bills, nothing crazy, I just have to cut some of my spending habits, for a while. I mean, I’m fine I guess. Maybe it’s just that time of year, but I kind of just want to be in a relationship, or just to have someone genuinely there for me, romantic or not. I know it’s idealistic of me. But right now, all I need is someone who doesn’t mind if I go off the radar for a while when I’m busy, who’s available to hang out weekends, just blow off steam and stress with, and someone who doesn’t put me on some pedestal. Lately, I feel like everyone thinks I’m some super genius who can save the world or something, just because of some random accolades, that I guess are impressive and the fact that I’m 16 and go to university. It’s just this massive weight on my shoulders to keep it up, to somehow keep topping yourself. I really need someone who just sees me as a human being, not a list of accolades because I will never be able to always live up to that. I have my moments sure, but most of the time I’m overwhelmingly mediocre. I guess I’m just rambling off. But, I really need a friend or something. Someone I just really click with, who’s just available, when I am, and there aren’t complications and other stupid things, or mind games. I feel like a lot of my friends are either not actually my friends, or I just don’t have a great time with them because our personalities don’t mesh well. Anyhow, how do you even meet people? Like, I’m out in public and think maybe I should talk to this stranger. But, is that actually a wise thing to do? Or, where is it even okay to talk to strangers? And then, I’m just surrounded by people who are just older than me. And then, what do I even want from people? Have I actually been the diabolical crazy one the whole time? Just overthinking and coldly calculating things, and then going off the rails when things don’t go my way? Am I really the reason, that at the end of the day I still feel so lonely? Like maybe I’ve tried so hard to build this person, that no one even wants to go near it. Maybe, I need to take more risks. I feel like I make huge risks all of the time. But maybe not the right ones, maybe not the social ones. Maybe I should just do what I feel and forget the consequences. But then you have to look at the consequences every single day. I honestly just don’t want to take responsibility for anything. Like, what if I just approached that one person? But then, you will never truly know what they’re thinking, and then people talk, and things go wrong. At this point, I think I’m writing to you just to be writing about it. Like, I just feel like I don’t understand anything. And, I just feel so much right now. And, I’m so confused. And, I want so much. But unlike with school, I have no idea how to even go for it. I don’t think I really am all that good when reading people, especially when it pertains to me. I mean with other people, it’s easy as pie. But when it comes to me, I just don’t know what to think. The stakes just seem ridiculous. I don’t know. I don’t know. I literally just don’t know anything. And, I guess I’ll just leave it at that because I could go on forever and think myself into deeper holes.

Hi Arjai101 –

My dear friend (and yes I consider you a friend), there’s no way in the world you could have gone to college as young as you did and not find yourself in this exact situation.   Let’s say it simply – life is hard at age 16 for everyone, and everyone tends to feel alone and alienated, and you actually are different from everyone around you. Both because of your age, and because of your intelligence.

Think about it, human intelligence (and I suppose doggy intelligence too) exists on what they call a bell-curve, where most people are in the middle hump, and the rest get fewer and fewer as they get further from “normal.” I don’t know your IQ, but I’m going to guess it’s very high, maybe 140 or more? Well that means that you “fit in” just as much as people with IQs of 60 or less, which is considered mentally deficient! Imagine if I were at your school (four-legged, unable to speak) – I might be as much an outsider as you! And I’m a different species!

So am I saying there’s something wrong with what you are, or that you made the wrong choice? Not at all. But I am saying that your life is guaranteed to be difficult, because of your intelligence and your youth at school. You also might end up incredibly successful and famous for just these same reasons. But for now, it’s just lonely and tough.

I have other pieces on AskShirelle about how to make friends at school, but you’re in a special situation. I’ve suggested before that you look at student organizations, or activities, or joining some sort of cause. And I still think those would be the best bet for you to make some new friends. But if those aren’t working for you, I’d suggest you Continue reading

0 What to do when someone gives you mixed signals

Pennelope0214 asks: Hi so I have this guy who is really cute and perfect. I am not sure if he likes me too or not. There have been times when he has shown his care and gets upset when I do something wrong. Like today, I abused a guy and this guy got kinda upset and stopped talking to me. I tried too hard and apologized. After a lot of effort he finally accepted it. When we go for walk he wraps his arms around mine but leaves when someone comes. We always have lunch, dinner, breakfast altogether. Today when he was angry he didn’t even take his dinner. I don’t know what is on his mind, which I’d really like to know.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

So of course, I don’t know anything more than what you’ve told me, but I’ll say this – based on what I know, I like him too! I like that he got upset when you were mean to that other guy (It shows character, like when my human friend Handsome pulls me away and scolds me if I pick on an annoying puppy).

I also like that he shows affection to you, but then doesn’t show it off to others, as so many guys do.

But of course, then I don’t like that he actually leaves! And I’ll bet you don’t either!

So the fact that you eat pretty much all your meals together means he likes you a lot – at least as a friend. But then it’s clear that he’s not letting you know everything.

And here’s the bad news – I have no idea what else he’s feeling. He could feel “brotherly” to you, and enjoy holding you in that way, but be more interested in someone else. He could have very mixed feelings toward you and not know for sure what to do. Or he could be in love with you and frustrated that he doesn’t know how you feel!

So since I can’t read his mind, the only suggestion I can come up with is that you Continue reading

0 Can one be unfaithful to a crush?

AudreyKimberly146 asks: I’ve never had a boyfriend, but I’ve got a crush in the past, and now I’m interested in someone else. But that’s just my ‘official’ status. I’ve actually liked a few guys in the past, yet I only ‘acknowledge’ one as my actual crush. So my explanation may be weird, but please try your best to understand. My ‘system’ of crush is a bit of an odd one. When you play an online game, where you have to build a tower–as high as you can–you gotta start small am I right? Then it’s going to continue building until you mess up. But well, sometimes, new players who starts later than you, can rival you in terms of height, or even surpass you, right? Well, here’s the thing, my system is like that. First, I start liking someone (in the comparison to the tower game, this is when you start the game). I may not acknowledge him as my ‘crush’, but I acknowledge him as an ‘interesting person’. As it grows taller and taller, I eventually label this person as my ‘crush’. BUT. At the same time, another interest may start building as well! It’s not as tall as my crush, but I’m interested in him as well. But the ‘building process’ I am ‘supervising’ right now, isn’t my new interest. It’s my crush! So I won’t care about him. In some possible (rare) cases, he might catch up and I will have 2 crushes at the same time, but it only happened to me once and it dissolved quickly :/ Once I found out I liked 3 (ehem yes, three) boys at the same time, I pressed myself to pick just one. And I did. The other two ‘buildings’ just crumbled down. Well, continuing my story, the new guy may not be my ‘crush’ but I can’t deny I’m interested. But then, at one point, either it’s because of how the pressure of a taller building ‘kills’, I will lose my interest in that new guy. So that’s when he crumbled. But it can also be that the new guy’s building speed was so fast, it surpassed my crush’s height in no time! (Like my case this time.) And so, the crown ‘crush’ is taken by the new guy, and the status of my ‘old crush’ is ‘I moved on’ XD I like to consider this as me being faithful. I mean, geez, I WAS INTERESTED IN ANOTHER GUY YET I STAYED TRUE TO ONE XDXDXD But then, this can also mean that I’m just a cheap girl who falls in love easily. But again, this is just my crush! I never actually date anyone! And as much as I want you, Shirelle, to tell me “no! You are not cheap! You are faithful,” I decided to ask you to score me honestly. Maybe I’m in the middle? Maybe both characteristics are co-dominant? Please tell me!

Hi AudreyKimberly146 –

Okay, so you know how most dogs aren’t capable of mental capacities much beyond “Sit,” “Stay,” and “Heel,” right?  And I’m pretty proud of how clever I am.  But you’re asking a LOT here – WOW!  Handsome tells me you’re using metaphor and simile and all these other verbal gymnastics, and says it all actually does make sense… but he’s going to have to explain all this tower stuff to me before I can answer anything.  I’ll be back.

Okay.

Wow, okay, my head is spinning, but I think I’ve got it.  You’re talking about the process of attachment you get to a crush, right?  How at first it’s just a little interest, but after a while you get more and more attached to this person, and eventually you even feel a commitment to them, right?

And now you’re worried about whether you’re cheap or faithful?

Okay, AudreyKimberly146, so I have one very important thing to tell you about all this Continue reading