How to Deal with a Relationship Lacking Trust

Suzi asks: I am in a huge mess… I’ve been in a relationship for the past 5 years and everything was going on – well I wont say smooth but well many ups and downs were going on… I have broken his trust quite a lot but not done anything wrong, I mean characterwise… just a couple of weeks ago I had a huge problem and somehow I managed it. There was a friend among us who told my boyfriend that if these things go on I will tell you to break up with her (meaning me). After that everything was smooth … I don’t know what has happened, but 2 days back my boyfriend started behaving with me very badly. I just told him to meet me, he said no, I said are you sure, he said I had again started the drama. Actually whatever I do he finds everything a drama… I am very afraid that if there is a break up what will I do… and my boyfriend thinks he is right in everything…. he does this with his family too.. its the boy on my life or i am in this world…!! My boyfriend is very short tempered and doesn’t understand anything. He is not a good listener. Can u please say what should I do now …please I am in a huge mess… I cant live without him….what will happen …??? What should I do.???

Hi Suzi –


This is a really tough situation.  On one hand, you’re acknowledging where you’ve gone wrong, and broken his trust.  But on the other… you haven’t gone wrong a lot.  Whatever it was that his friend was complaining about, it doesn’t sound like it was that bad.


But now, your boyfriend’s treating you badly.  And the danger is that he might keep on doing it as long as you’re together.


The hardest thing about your situation is that, if you’d just made one or two mistakes, I’d be telling you that you could just talk with him and promise never to cheat again, but say you also need him to treat you with more respect, so that you two can make a better relationship than you’ve ever had – but I worry that, if you did, he’d say “Why should I believe you?  You’re just creating drama!”


And this takes me to the bigger question – Does he want to stay in this relationship?  And if so, what does he envision it becoming?


So my best advice to you is, still, to sit down with him and talk about the relationship you want to have.  About faithfulness, about respect, about affection, about everything you want to have.  And when he responds (as he almost surely will) with anger and accusations, you’ll just need to calmly explain to him why he should trust you in the future.


And if that works, and he agrees to, then you two are in great great shape.  But if it doesn’t work, and he continues to treat you as less than him… then it may be best to just leave.  And to prepare yourself to begin a new relationship – one where both of you start off with a better sense of how to make things work.


I can relate to you – when Handsome first brought me home from the pound, I was just awful.  I chewed up tons of his stuff, was always biting him, and even had toilet training issues.  And he stepped on my tail a couple of times too!  But over time, we learned what each other needed, and how to trust.  And now, we’re better than most marriages seem, a great and happy couple.


Which is just where I hope you find yourself.  Soon!


All my best,


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