0 Should a young person pursue wild dreams or follow a practical path?

Lil Chen asks: We only live once and I don’t want to live my life knowing that I wasn’t able to pursue my goals. Recently, I went to the guidance counselor today and teared up thinking how much I wasted my years. I had this principle or value that I should focus more on the present but now that I think about it, the present is like only for fun, or something like that. It’s important but the future also matters. It’s what sets you for life. I don’t know what course to take in college and when they (guidance counselor) asked me what my interests were, all I could think of was KPOP/Entertainer/Singer/Comedian/Artist. But to be honest, that’s what I want. I didn’t want to share it in fear that they will mock me or something. I asked them though that if I wanted to pursue my interest but lack in talent, was it ok or reachable, and they said yes which gave me hope and some motivation. I was an honor student in Grade 11 but now I lost my motivation to study or do things, which is why I failed to reach the cut off for my STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics) courses, some of them (nursing, engineering, etc.) I slept in the exam and I totally regret it. I think my self-esteem was more wounded when I shared my interest to my friends and they just laughed it off and gave me a lecture about the impossibility of that happening. I don’t know if there are times when they thought I was serious. There are times where they tell me if I become one, I should still remember them but then there are times when they say that it’s impossible. I’m confused whether they support me or not. Face Reality is what they call it, but I believe that if I do try hard enough, I can actually try and do it. That could also be the meaning of Face Reality. As long as I am motivated and really want to do it then I can achieve it. Before I used to be really quiet, as in winning the “My Lips Are Sealed Award” in 6th grade for being silent since 3rd grade, and my silence continued till 2nd year or 8th grade. I decided that I wanted to change, so I did and became this talkative and somewhat class clown (girl ver.) in class. Due to that, a lot of people don’t take me seriously and since I want to make friends and don’t really wanna hurt our relationship, I contain my anger and I don’t usually have that kind of emotional or dramatic kind of life anymore. Laugh and smile! So I don’t know how to console people who have problems anymore. I don’t know what to say or if what I’m saying is right. But lately, I keep weeping to myself about life and just about everything. Life is hard but I keep holding on to the saying that if I try hard enough, I can do anything in life. For now, I plan to retake the test so I can have more options (nursing, engineering, etc.) or take exams from different schools (though I don’t want to transfer schools). My backup course is either nursing, architect or International Languages. I tried to repeat it to my friends and family about planning to save up money to go to Korea next year and join voice lessons this summer and keep practicing and also learning Korean on my own. That way I will be able to audition for agencies next year. I don’t think they took me seriously, and I’m not much of a serious talker, so I guess thanks to that I get hurt when they say bad things and encouraged when they say good stuff. Another problem is the age requirement to become an ‘idol.’ They take teens mostly and I’m already 18. If I go to Korea, I’ll be 21. They do still accept early 20’s but its kind of risky especially since I’m a foreigner. Which is why I wished to go back 5 years more so I can actually be more prepared, but I realized what I wanted too late. When I was a quiet person, I was more of “This is impossible” and stuff like that but I changed and I like this change (a little too much). So it will be a slim chance that they accept me as a trainee with my age and all the more I only went back to voice lessons this year while learning Korean all by myself. Another requirement is dancing, and since I want to save money, I want to teach myself, but I also want to get a teacher. Life is hard I know, but I also know that if I have faith and hope, we can achieve what we want in life. I’m also scared to talk to my parents about it cuz last time I told my dad I wanted to be a singer, he laughed at me and asked how can I become one if I don’t practice. I wanted to pursue voice lessons back then again (I took voice lessons before) but I was sad that he didn’t really encourage me to go on. I asked my mom about what I should do with my life and she told me that it’s up to me. I don’t know what’d she do if I tell her I wanna be an artist, and I’m scared of her response. I rely too much on my external motivation and our teacher told us that our internal motivations are more powerful so I want to change that. Am I making the right decision? Or are there more ways to help me fuel my motivation?

Hi Lil Chen –

When you wrote me a couple of years ago, you talked about having a bunch of goals, and struggling to figure out which to pursue.  And what saddens me in your letter is that it sounds to me like you didn’t really pursue the one you wanted the most, but instead absorbed a lot of negativity from people around you.

Here’s the truth: making it as a performer is hard, and rare.  It takes real commitment.  Talent’s great, but commitment is more important.  And you need to loooooooove what you do.

So, right now, I know that you would love to be a KPOP star, but I don’t know how much you love singing or dancing.  And I don’t know because you don’t.  I promise you, Adele was told for years that she didn’t have the looks to be a singing star, Taylor Swift was told she was too young and should focus on her schoolwork… and Psy was told he didn’t look anything like a dancer!

So I’m going to agree with you.  That it would have been better for you to try these things when you were younger, but it’s not too late.  But my friend, this is the time to jump in.  Sure, pass those exams (it’s always great to have a fallback, and even big stars like Emma Watson and Natalie Portman took time off their careers to get university degrees).  But most importantly, START SINGING!  Sing every day.  Take lessons if you can, but sing LOTS. And start dancing.  Imitate the dancers you like best and try to match their moves.  Then, if you can get lessons, all the better.

And if you do this, one of two things will happen.  Either doing this singing and dancing will fill your heart with joy and excitement, and you’ll be ready to devote yourself to them… or it won’t.  And either way, you’ll have learned what you truly feel.

When I wrote you before, I told you I loved chasing squirrels, whether I caught them or not.  The world is full of people who love to sing and dance but didn’t become stars.  Find out if you’re one of them, first.  And if you are, THEN devote yourself to trying for stardom.  And you’ll have no bigger supporter than this pup!

And if you find you don’t love doing those things… oh, you’ll just have to suffer with being (from what I can see) quite brilliant and becoming a great success who might change the world!

STOP WAITING!  THE TIME IS NOW!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should people start to date each other before they move apart?

Wooff asks: There was this guy I liked intensely, but things didn’t work out because we were kids and we both made dumb decisions. Long story short, I kept regretting not talking to him and it’s already been 4 years. And I still like him, kind of. So I heard from a friend that he’s leaving the country, so I decided to just do it. Knock him and tell him that I’m sorry for everything. Sorry for acting like it was one-sided and to let him know that the feelings were always genuine. He told me that it’s okay and we’re on friendly terms. He also told me that it’s funny how, even if the feelings are just apologetic, they’re the same after so many years. But with all that being said, he plans to leave the country and so do I. So getting involved would be dumb, right? It was so fun talking to him, but he gets on very late because of school and I sleep early so it doesn’t really work. I kind of got annoyed when he knocked me late at night and I was sleepy, so I said I’m going to sleep and went off. It was mean but I was hurt, kind of. I understand but also it’s hard. So anywho, he got on for the rest of the week and didn’t knock, I think he was expecting me to. I didn’t, and the patterns keep repeating. It’s pathetic. And now he doesn’t get on at all. My question to you: what do you make of all this, and would it be dumb to get involved? Meanwhile, I was talking to this guy before I talked to the 1st guy, let’s call him Sam. And we were friends but we kind of hit it off and I like this guy but he has a bad reputation. But his story is different, and I honestly don’t know what to believe. So I want to continue just talking and being friends. There’s no point in hurting myself for no reason at all. Right? He’s known as a player but he’s also very quiet so I’m just confused. He’s super-shy so I don’t understand how that works, but also he wooed me in via chat so who knows? What do you suppose I do?

Hi Wooff –

My dear, I’m going to give you an answer that isn’t exactly what you asked, but I think it’s the truth.

I have this friend named Aria.  She’s a very nervous dog, nowhere near as friendly and enthusiastic as I am.  She came from a bad background, and never even learned to play when she was a puppy.  So when her human gave her some toys, she didn’t know how to chase them or pull on them, or rip their insides out, the way I like to do!  But instead, over time, she sort of adopted one.  It’s a little lamb toy, and she likes to just carry it with her when she goes inside or outside.  She then doesn’t do anything with it, just lies by it.

Why?  Because it makes her feel comfortable.  She feels less alone, naked, vulnerable.

And I find that humans, especially when they’re about to move away from home for the first time, often do the same sort of thing.  They’ll suddenly care about childhood toys in a way they hadn’t for years.  Or they’ll suddenly decide they’re great friends with people at school they never really cared about before.

None of these are bad things, of course.  It’s just that I’d tell them to, instead, focus on what really matters.  Spending time with those family and friends who have meant a lot to them.  In order to ensure that those relationships continue after everyone’s moved away.

But one other thing I’ll see people do is to get romantically involved with someone at home.  Right before they’re about to leave and meet hundreds of new people – people who will then be near them and available for hanging out and doing fun stuff with.

Why?  Because, just like Aria and the lamb, they think they’ll feel more comfortable, less vulnerable and alone, when they’re in that new setting.

And here’s my harsh statement, Wooff – it doesn’t work.  The people still feel nervous and alone, even if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend somewhere else.  And then, over time, they get more comfortable with those new people, and almost always (not absolutely always – but almost always) they end up breaking up with that person from home.  Because moving away has changed them each.

So my advice is to Continue reading

0 How much should you allow another person to demand when you’re first dating?

Wise asks: I’m dating someone online and I get to see him only when I’m in school cause he lives close to there. Everything was perfect until now, he’s always telling me to be more romantic and show him my revealing pictures but I don’t feel comfortable doing it – yet he doesn’t want to understand me. And he’s dating someone else but he said he doesn’t like that one, he likes me. But doesn’t want to break up with her. And we’ve only been dating for 2 weeks. Now I think I like someone else because I’m tired of the way things are going with my boyfriend. What do I do because I’m so confused?

Hi Wise –

Wow this sounds really difficult.  It’s cool that you met a boy near your school online, and things started off good, but I don’t like him asking you to send you revealing pictures (those can get into the wrong hands, or onto social media, SO easily!) – and two weeks is a bit soon to be demanding you get more romantic.  ESPECIALLY when he’s got another girlfriend!

So unless that other girl knows about you (and I’m betting she doesn’t), that means whatever relationship he has with you is CHEATING on her.  And that’s not fair to either of you.

Now here’s the funny part: usually when someone’s in a strange situation with a new romance, they feel desperate because there’s no one else available.  But in your case, there IS someone else you’re interested in.  Which is just great!  Because that gives you a simple and honest negotiating tool.

You see, what I want is for you to Continue reading

0 How to set new rules in a relationship.

Guptaaa_ asks: See, my problem is with my boyfriend. I have been crushing on him continuously for the last 4.5 years, and then last year we came into a relationship. In that relationship he ditched me and left me. Now after the last few months apart he came back to me a few days ago. It seemed like he is serious, but now it doesn’t look that way. Tell me? What do I do now?

Hi Guptaa –

Wow this sounds really difficult.  The first part of your story sounds wonderful and romantic – you have this long crush on a guy and then you two actually get together.  It’s the perfect love story.  But now he’s leaving you, coming back, acting serious, acting not serious… this is like those experiments where they teach dogs to expect a piece of food every time they push a button, and then stop giving them food when they push the button, or give them food when they don’t push the button, and the dogs go mad.  (And by that I don’t mean they get angry, I mean they go stark raving nuts!)

So my goal here isn’t to get you two together, or to get you to leave him – it’s to keep you from foaming at the mouth and running around your town biting random children!!!

The only way I can think of to protect you is for you to Continue reading

0 How to sincerely apologize.

rohit1996 asks: Some days ago I did a mistake. In anger I insulted a girl who is my friend. My behaviour was the worst. We have not talked for long time. Now I feel guilty. I want to tell her I’m sorry. But she is out of town for a long time. I want to talk her about my mistake, but I can’t call her because I think she doesn’t want to talk with me. I am afraid for if she will not talk with me then I can’t do anything. Please give me a solution. I felt very sorry for that moment. but at that time situation is not in my control. I want to apologize for my behaviour in front of her. So plz help me. It’s a long time since we’ve talked. Now I can’t face her.

Hi rohit1996 –

So this is going to sound weird, but you’re actually in a very good place for this.

What I mean is that, very often, people get into arguments and insult each other, and feel they’re each completely right. In this case, you know you were wrong to do it, so there’s no disagreement there. You just have to convince her of two things: first, that you know what you did wrong and are sorry; and second, that she’s safe trusting that you won’t do it again.

The second takes time. The first just requires the simple thing you’re trying to do: getting her to hear you. And for that, I have a few suggestions:

• You might be right that she won’t talk to you. But this is 2018, and there are lots more ways to get in touch with her than ever before. If you text her, and your text begins “I am so sorry,” even if she wants to ignore it she’ll have seen those words. But you can also write her on social media (but in a private way; don’t embarrass both of yourselves by posting it publicly), or in an email, or you can leave a phone message. In fact, maybe you could do ALL of these – so she really gets the message that you care.
• You could write her an “old school” letter. Yeah, the kind on paper, that you mail with a stamp on it. Why? Well, hardly anyone does that anymore. So it seems more official, more serious, more permanent.
• When you get the chance to see her in person, don’t hold back. Just walk right up to her and apologize. Even if you’ve already connected, it makes it clear that you’re going to regret that insult as long as you live. My friend Handsome made an awful mistake a few years ago that he apologizes to a couple of people for still, and plans to for the rest of his life. It’s not that they haven’t moved on and forgiven him; it’s that he can’t forgive himself. And he wants them to know that.
• Whatever you say, MEAN IT. What you wrote me really speaks your pain. Let her hear it too. We dogs don’t apologize much, but when we do, oh man do we let it out – we lick, we run in circles, we howl, we whimper, we jump up – ANYTHING to say how much we feel. So let those feelings out. It will be impossible for her not to notice.

Okay, rohit1996 – those are my suggestions. But there’s, of course, one possibility remaining. That she might refuse all of them. She might be so angry, or so hurt, or so afraid, that she simply can’t let you back in. If so, that’s just awful, and you can certainly keep trying. But it might be a situation where you have to move on, and kind of give up on her. That’d be the worst, but if that happens, you both can live better lives than you would if she just keeps having to avoid you for years.

So try to reach her. Try as hard as you can. And most likely it will work. But even if it doesn’t, you’ll know that you did the best you could.

And I’ll bet you’ll remember never to blow up like that again. And for that alone, this will have been a great learning experience, and make the rest of your life a better one for you and for everyone you know.

GOOD LUCK!

Shirelle

0 How to pursue someone who’s studying all the time.

Nymeria asks: I met a girl a few months ago, she’s sweet, beautiful, smart, she’s perfect to me. We used to talk a lot, but everything changed in an instant. She always told me she’s been studying for her board exam, and this was her only reason for not replying back to me. And I was thinking, could it really be the only reason why she doesn’t talk to me anymore? I don’t know what I should do.

Hi Nymeria –

There’s a lot I don’t know from your question.  How long has it been since she stopped replying?  How long had you two been talking before that?  And, maybe biggest of all, when was/is that exam?

Of course, anything is possible, but I can’t help but have one thought, based on my own experience.  My human friend Handsome had to take some board exams a few years ago, and assumed he’d pass them pretty easily.  And when he turned out to fail one of them – without any idea of why – he flipped right out!  He got depressed, went through a period of shock, had to try to figure his whole life out… and eventually was fine.

So is it possible this girl did take that exam, and failed it, and has withdrawn from the human race for a while – including from you?

Again, I’m not sure if that’s it.  But it sure would explain her sudden shift.

In the meantime, the best I can suggest for you to do is to reach out to her just enough that she can’t possibly think you’re not reaching out to her.  And then, if she’s still not responding, to give her the space that she seems to be asking for.

And if something’s just gone wrong, and she’s interested in still talking with you, then she’ll show up soon enough.

And if it’s something else – if she’s interested in another person, or decided she wants to change her whole life around, or whatever…  then you’ll have already moved on, and will be able to find someone else, who responds more, and appreciates you the way you deserve to be appreciated.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to trust again after a boyfriend attacked you

Pennelope0214 asks: The guy I wrote you about finally made a move. We’ve talked about it, and he sometimes says it was spur-of-the-moment and sometimes says it wasn’t; and I find myself saying the same to him about my responding to it. But here’s the problem: I have been through an incident where my ex tried murdering me. He cut my throat and yet somehow I survived. So I am too scared to take that risk again. I have real feelings for this guy but it makes me sick to even think about getting into a relationship. This guy keeps on comforting me, asking me to come back as soon as possible. But how am I supposed to confront to him about the same? It’s going to break him. Even yesterday, on a call he said he would like to kiss me again and would give me that authority. I somehow managed to hang up. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

What a horrible horrible experience! I am so sorry! You dropped it into your question so casually, too, like one of my friends saying “I had a human once who sometimes forgot to feed me, or get me my shots.” No, you’re talking about attempted murder – and an attempt that came awfully close to success! Of COURSE you’re afraid and cautious. How could you not be?!

Well, my friend, there’s only one solution here. You simply have to tell him. I’d say to do it on the phone so you can feel safe and distant, and he can feel free to react without you seeing him (If he’s as caring as my Handsome, he might well throw up there on the spot, as he’s probably getting quite smitten with that lovely – and so hurt – throat of yours).

Now this is going to bring up an odd issue. Lots of times I get letters from people who’ve been cheated on, or hit, and have trouble believing their new romance won’t do the same thing to them. But this is a very different case. Hardly anyone does what that other man did to you, Ever. So this guy’s job isn’t going to be so much to convince you he’s not a throat-cutter, as to work extremely hard to avoid doing anything that will trigger that awful memory in you.

I do understand that the subject is so awful you hate to talk about it, but the only way this relationship can possibly work is for him to know what happened. You don’t have to tell him any more details than you want, but once he knows this most important fact (the bit you’ve told me), he should be able to adjust every bit of the way he acts toward you accordingly.

If you haven’t already, I’d also urge you to go to a therapist to talk about your experience. Someone well-trained in trauma work, who can help you to move forward in your life from this nightmare. And maybe you can even bring this man in to meet with you and the therapist, to discuss ways to make your life – and lives – better.

Now if there’s anyone in your life who’s telling you that you need to just forget about what happened, or move on as if it never did – they’re simply mistaken. You’ll never not have the memory of this brutality.

But you can have someone devoted to protecting you from it. Not just from other murderous thugs, but from the terror you have suffered ever since.

And if all is as it appears – this could be that guy.

Give him a chance.

AND LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!

All my love,

Shirelle

0 HONEST TO A FAULT …how to avoid coming off as desperate…

HONEST TO A FAULT …how to avoid coming off as desperate…

We dogs don’t really like TV. Lots of the time the noise bothers us (NO dog likes Game of Thrones – though I don’t think I’ve met a person who doesn’t!), and of course it’s always taking our humans’ attention away from where we want it – on US!

But occasionally I’ll watch something with Handsome. And recently, I saw something great.

An episode of an old program called Mary Tyler Moore, show had this woman, Mary, go on one date with a guy who instantly decides she’s the one, and starts sending her flowers, gifts, messages, and constant requests for more dates. Finally she overcomes her niceness and manages to reject him. But when he later approaches her in public with a giant cake with “Will You Marry Me” on the top, she explodes in fury, smashing the cake to bits.

You might say that fellow had earned dating’s most dreaded diagnosis: Desperate.

Everyone I hear from says they want a relationship where they can stay honest and expressive, but they don’t want to come off like that guy. And why would they? Desperation, I hear, can be a bigger turnoff than rudeness, bad breath, and overeating combined. So how can you avoid it? Especially when you’re totally smitten over a new love?

Well, we dogs are just great at this. We’re always honest (we don’t know how not to be – our brains simply aren’t big enough), and no one ever complains about us being desperate.

(Hmm… actually that last bit isn’t true. People who like cats tend to find us too clingy and attentive. But that’s just us as a species. People who like dogs tend to like us just the way we are!)

And I have a solution for you people too. To start with, let’s look at the five main ways daters come off as desperate:

• Dressing too much of a statement

You see it at school, at work, and on the streets. The person so eager to be noticed, to be liked, that they dress in a way that doesn’t suit their lives. The man dressed in shirt and pants so tight he can’t sit down, the woman wearing something so low-cut she’s constantly pulling it up to avoid getting arrested! Or the person dressed in duds too fancy and expensive to fit in where they are.

• Giving, and demanding, nonstop attention

This is the one we pups get accused of the most. Cat-lovers want to be left alone most of the time, while we’re always coming up to you with a toy or a kiss. But where I see it the most in humans is that crazy menace, TEXTING! One person texting another over and over, and completely devastated when they don’t get a response within minutes. This can drive both people nuts – the texter and the textee (Is that a word?).

• Can’t keep hands off

Everyone loves being touched by someone they like. But some people just need contact all the time. Always grabbing their beloved, or insisting on PDAs (public displays of affection) no matter what’s going on – regardless of how it affects everyone else.

• Constant asking for validation – literally

Nothing makes a person less eager to give validation (whether a mild “I like you” or a bigger “I really respect you” or “I love you madly!”) than being asked for it all the time. And when a person’s trying to pay attention to something else, while being interrupted with “Don’t you like me?” it’s only a matter of time before they blurt out “Not anymore!”

• Expressing suspicion

Okay, this one is The Worst. When one human is feeling insecure in a relationship, and instead of just talking about it, accuses the other of cheating, wanting to cheat, or even just thinking about someone else. There’s an old rule of logic that You Can’t Prove a Negative. In other words, while you can prove I have a bone I stole, no one can prove I never stole one. So when someone’s accused of doing something, wanting something, or thinking about it, they’re stuck – there’s no way for them to argue their way out of it. Which I’ve seen reeeeeeeeeeeeally drive people up the wall!

Now the way I’ve described all these, each sounds just awful, doesn’t it? But imagine if I rephrased them, in ways that sounded ideal. Wouldn’t you love – wouldn’t anyone love – to get involved with someone who:

• Always looks attractive, takes great care of themselves
• Stays attentive and interested, never making you feel ignored or abandoned
• Is willing to show affection and express their love through casual touch
• Lets you know that you’re important and they need you to care about them
• Isn’t naïve, and pays attention to subtle signals from you?

Well, sure. These sound so great, they could describe me! (Though we might disagree about whether I’m attractive after I’ve rolled in a big pile of horse poop; but I always think that’s me at my very best!)

But there’s one big difference between these two lists: And it’s called Awareness.

Being honest is great and necessary, but just as you didn’t want your mother yelling “Hey you’ve got toilet paper stuck to your shoe!” as you left her car to join your schoolmates, the trick in relationships is to temper your honesty with awareness of how the other person takes what you’re giving.

So, to go through that list yet again, while of course you always want to look your best, maybe you can show up to his World Cup party looking casual-cute in an oversized Kansas City Chiefs jersey and your hair in an adorable ponytail, instead of oozing drama in a halter top or your best black dress.

And while you want to let her know you care about her, one casual text of “Hey, hope that meeting went okay. Can’t stop thinking about last night!” at noon could win her over a lot more than six “I care more about you than you do about me”s per hour.

Similarly, a quick unexpected peck on the cheek or squeeze of a love-handle in the middle of a meal can be charming, sweet, and an electrifying promise for later, while interrupting their bite of potato in the middle of a discussion of the Palestinian crisis, to insist on a long French kiss, will push them away.

And saving those “I need to know you care” moments for when you’re in the middle of the day from hell can melt his heart, while telling it to him every night will just translate as “I’ve never believed you so far,” and leave him to look for someone who’ll trust him.

And speaking of trust, back to the biggest Desperation of all: Asking, “So your coworker could be a movie star; how is it he didn’t beat me to you?” is SOOO much better a way of finding out about their relationship than “I know you and Joe are meeting behind my back! Can you prove me wrong?!”

It really all comes down to one simple fact: Humans act desperate because they’re stuck in their own minds, and not paying attention to their partner. Think about it. If you really pay attention to someone, you’ll see what behavior pushes them away, and change it to something that makes them like you better, right? Instead of not really paying attention to them, and acting on what your mind says is going on, and how you think they should react to you.

And believe me: no one wants to be with that in-their-head person!

So when you find yourself acting desperate, just open your eyes and focus on what your beloved is doing, saying, and feeling. And that should be enough to change your ways – not to make you dishonest, but just expressing yourself in a realistic way. One that keeps you feeling proud of yourself as you navigate these difficult paths.

I know that sounds ridiculously simple. That’s because it is! That’s why we dogs are better at it than you guys!

But one final reminder here, about that difference between dogs and cats? What comes off as unacceptably desperate to one person can be wonderfully romantic to another. Remember that Mary Tyler Moore episode I mentioned? Well after Mary smashes the cake, she discovers that that guy was actually bringing it to another woman, who then breaks down in tears of joy at her dream man’s proposal (of course, making Mary feel awful).

So if you find your intended keeps rejecting your enthusiasm, maybe the answer isn’t to alter your behavior, but just to put that puppy-love energy to better use elsewhere. Don’t worry – the world is FULL of dog-lovers and cat-lovers. Someone out there will like your style!

0 How to tell a girlfriend or boyfriend something you’ve kept secret?

jovan28 asks: My girlfriend and I have been together for about six months now. We met on LoveMe over a year ago. We started out as friends and eventually got together. She’s a really great girl; smart, understanding, nice, appealing, and more positive attributes. The problem right now is that she doesn’t know about my three-year-old child that I had with an ex. It’s not like I was trying to hide it from her. I just didn’t get the chance to open up to her about my boy. I also don’t have much opportunity to introduce him to video chat since he lives and stays with his mom most days. I started hinting at her about children. Maybe she thought I wanted kids or maybe she took it as a sign that I have a kid. My ex-girlfriend’s okay with me seeing someone since she’s already with someone else herself. She told me I should introduce our kid to my girlfriend as soon as possible. I think she’s right. What if my girlfriend doesn’t like the idea of me having a child with someone else? At least I would know ahead, right? How do I tell my girlfriend that I already have a son? I want to reassure her that my obligations with my child won’t be a problem for us. I want to give her the assurance that despite the constant communication between me and my ex-girlfriend, nothing will happen. I need help from anyone. Any advice will do.

Hi jovan28 –

This is a problem I see people having all the time. You know, when we dogs meet, we decide whether we like each other right away, and that’s all we need to know. If that other pooch is a fighter or a fraidy-cat, then yeah, we might not become great playmates. But there’s never a secret, a hidden issue, that will affect our relationships.

But with you guys, there always seem to be these things. Sometimes they’re small (“I have a history of baldness in my family, and I’ll probably lose my hair in my 30’s”), sometimes bigger (“I have a transmittable disease that I keep under control but can’t cure”), and sometimes huge (“I have a husband” or in your case, “I have a child.”).

And it’s impossible to know the right time to tell about it. My human friend Handsome once went out with a woman a few times before finding out that she had a prosthetic leg. When he discovered it, he asked why she hadn’t let him know sooner. “Well when is the right time to tell about that?” she asked him. “Before we met, ‘I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a prosthetic leg?’ Or on the first date, ‘I like walks on the beach, but sometimes get sand in the hinges?’” The fact is, he realized, she’d had no ‘right time’ to tell him. The time she chose was as good as any.

And you’re largely in the same situation.

I think the most important thing you can do is to Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend chooses their family over you.

meghna98 asks: One month ago I met a guy in college. We liked each other and started dating. We were so happy. But then one day he said maybe in the future his parents won’t agree, so he doesn’t want to hurt me and broke up. I convinced him that we’ll make our careers and then convince his parents, but we’ll be in our relationship. He agreed but two days later he broke up, saying he doesn’t want to hurt me. He doesn’t even want to meet me because I’ll make him weak. But I want him back. I don’t want to give up so easily. I want to fight for us and make it work. The thing is he is very negative. I want to change his negative thoughts. I know he loves me and I want us to be together. What should I do?

Hi meghna98 –

This is an interesting situation.  I get lots of questions from young people who want their parents to like their boyfriend or girlfriend, or who want to learn how to get their beloved’s parents to like them better.  But you’re my first to have this problem.

And I have a feeling you’re not going to like my answer.

My friend, we all know the beautiful stories of Romeo and Juliet and West Side Story, and even Titanic, where someone rebels against their family to be with the person they love.  And that, of course, is a very difficult situation for everyone.

But you’re in a different case.  For you, your beloved is choosing his parents over you, and it’s breaking your heart.  As it naturally would.

Now I don’t know what his reason is.  Perhaps you two are of different races, or religions, or classes.  Or maybe he has some other reason to think they wouldn’t accept you (such as that they already have another partner in mind for him).  But whatever the reason is, he is accepting it.  Which leaves you completely alone in this situation.

Now perhaps, he’s just being weak, and at some point will realize he loves you more than he cares about those values, and will come back to beg you to return to him.

But right now, he’s not doing it.  In fact, the only thing he’s doing is trying to avoid hurting you any more than he has to.

So I’m going to give you one suggestion for right now, and then another one for once you’ve done that.  The first is to Continue reading