0 Falling for someone who’s helping you through recovery

wxyz asks – I can’t get a girl. In the beginning of college, I became addicted to meth. This burden took away everything from me. Distanced me from society, friends, family. Finally I realized, I was trying to give up. Fighting alone with myself, nobody to support. I stopped going to college. Everyone there mocking me, ignoring me. Then sitting in the dark, I got her, got a person to talk. She became my rehabilitation. Yes! I am rehabilitating, but also to make myself up to her. Going to classes, trying to study, trying to come back. She is there always from long distance, watching me in college: what I am doing, where I am going, am I smoking and also am I eye-contacting with her or not. Can I hear something from you for me and her? Yes, I remember you saying to remind myself that she’s not mine. Can I say that I am hers?

Hi wxyz –

May I start by saying… WOW!  I am so impressed!  I’ve never had crystal methamphetamine, what’s commonly called meth (I’m such a hyper pup, Handsome won’t even allow me to taste coffee!), but from what I hear it’s one of the most addictive substances ever invented.  So the fact that you’re rehabilitating… I can only bow to you and say GOOD JOB – KEEP IT UP!!!

I only know a little bit about what people go through when they try to get over an addiction, but one rule I’ve often heard is that they shouldn’t get into a new romantic relationship too soon – that the work they’re doing to get over the drug is too difficult for them to also handle the difficulties of a new love.

So I’m going to give you a strong suggestion.  I say you should Continue reading

0 How to react when someone a boyfriend or girlfriend gets close fast and then cuts you off fast

rohit1996 asks: Two weeks ago I started relationship with a girl. We talked everyday with messages and calls. I shared all my secrets with her, and she was also very friendly with me. But suddenly, I don’t know how, she stopped conversation with me. Even when I message her she says, “I have no mood to talking this time, we have to talk later,” and later she can’t reply to my message. This thing happened two or three times in the last two days. Now she isn’t replying to my message. What can I do now?

Hi rohit1996 –

As a dog, I’m very used to having a problem with time.  My human, Handsome, who I love more than life, will leave me at home in the morning.  And after an hour or so, I’m in a mix of terror that he’s never coming home and I’ll be locked in the yard forever, and awful grief at losing my beloved.  Then he’ll come home – in the afternoon, the same time as he almost always does, and I’ll go nuts!  I can’t control myself, barking, running in circles, and covering him in kisses.

Now the “hello” is great, but the hours before it are just awful.

So why am I telling you this?  Because you’re talking about a very short time.  You met this girl two weeks ago, and for two days she’s been very distant.  My friend, you’re worrying too much.  In fact, I know that, because you’re worrying like ME!

So my first bit of advice to you is to Continue reading

0 The different love languages

shxnamaria asks: I’ve been in a relationship for the past 6 months and he’s an amazing guy. It’s just that I’m the super popular party-going kind and he’s the exact opposite; a studious quiet introvert who’s prone to intense bouts of self-loathing. We each have had a failed relationship before this and that in fact brought us closer to each other. I had a boyfriend for 2.5 years and we broke up cause things were getting rough at home and also it was gonna end up being a long distance one. In his case, he was obsessed with a girl for a whole year only to realize that she was just using him to get over her on and off “slut phase.” I wear my heart on my sleeve and I love expressing my emotions regardless of who’s watching me or wherever I am. The fact that he chooses to push me away just cause “people are watching” hurts me. A lot in fact. And when I ask him for a kiss or a hug he makes up reasons to get over it. We live in a place where there’s 0 probability to get some much needed alone time, and all I’m asking if for a few stolen pecks, and he thinks that the physicality is the only driving force in our relationship. And he’s the kind of person who gets committed to a lot of things at the same time and leaves me hanging in the middle of nowhere. He doesn’t talk to me or spend time with me like he used to do. He calls me inconsiderate and selfish for asking for some time with him. I mean it’s reached a point where he doesn’t call or text me without me doing it first. He’s also ready to jump at it when I suggest a break. Like he’s been waiting for it for a long time. He’s also this kinda person who can shut me up with his arguments. I don’t know what to do. I just am stuck in a ditch. Should I take a break or just leave him and go? Or adjust with all this and live with a heavy heart?

Hi shxnamaria –

I can relate to both sides in this case, at least on the Public Displays of Affection issue.  I am an extremely enthusiastic in my affection, and love to jump on people and lick them all sorts of times when they don’t want me to.  On the other hand, I know what it’s like to be at the dog park, trying to look all independent and tough, and my human Handsome lifts me up in the air and starts kissing my nose and… well, it’s both irritating and humiliating. (Especially because I just loooove his kisses, and that makes it SO hard to look cool!)

So what to do about it?

Well, have you ever heard of the concept of Continue reading

0 Should you worry when your boyfriend or girlfriend gets friendly with their ex

My pack asks: I have been in a long distance relation with a guy for 2 years. We have a very healthy relationship. So, my problem is a girl. She is a part of the group of friends he also belongs to. They had a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship before I entered into his life. When our relation was new, they both again came close and I caught some messages on his phone and he confessed to me he kissed her. After this incident, they broke their friendship but since they both are a part of the same group they met in groups. My boyfriend and I broke up the past month for a few days and in that span of time they again became friends. I am insecure now. What should I do?

Hi My pack –

So I’ll admit I have a bias here – I tend not to like long-distance relationships, for just these reasons.  First, because it’s so hard for young people to remain faithful to someone they hardly ever see, and second, because it’s just about impossible to trust someone who’s so far away, and has other people around.

My friend, of course I have no idea what your boyfriend did or didn’t do with that girl, while you two were broken up.  But the fact that you two were broken up makes me question your statement that “we have a very healthy relationship.”

So here are my questions to you:  Will this Continue reading

0 How to set physical boundaries in a relationship

Spiky 401 asks: I just got into college, and immediately met this dude. It’s almost a month now, we started talked for sometime and decided to exchange numbers and see each other, but we didn’t because I had to visit my aunt at her house. After I got back to school we finally met and went out to a park. Nothing happened there, we went back to school, but not straight to the hostel, we strolled around the school and sat down in a quiet area. We talked about some things like family, entrepreneurship, school (he’d just graduated out of the same school). Then he asked me if I had dated before, I told him yes and that I would never like anyone the way I liked my ex. He asked me to tell him about my ex, which I did, and he promised to make me forget about him. From there he held my hand, stood up, and made me stand up. He hugged me real tight. It was shocking but comforting. From there, he picked me up from the ground – right that moment I thought he was gonna attack me but he didn’t, he dropped me and then he started to kiss me, I mean I have never kissed or hugged a dude but here he was kissing me. Every time I tried to pull away he stopped and hugged me until I got used to his lips on mine. I barely know the guy and I don’t feel that connection I had with my ex. But after the kiss I kept on recalling it and wanting to see him more. Please what do you advise I do, to be on the safe side without losing my innocence?

Hi Spiky 401 –

Well, my quick answer is that I want you to get a little more spiky, Spiky!

But here’s my long one.  First, I want you to go to AskShirelle.com, and search for a question asked by HarrietteS, and read it and my answer.

Have you read it?

.

.

.

.

Have you read it all?

.

.

.

Okay, Spiky 401, so your situation with this guy wasn’t exactly the same as mine with the bulldog.  But it’s actually close enough, in one regard: Both guys came from the belief that they could overpower us females into wanting what we said we didn’t want.  And this is SOOOOO WRONG!  I’m sure you’ve heard about the whole #MeToo movement going on; and while this guy only was kissing you and luckily not doing more, you are now a #MeToo-er, because he forced you into something you didn’t want!  I’m not saying to call the cops – he didn’t take it too far, thank goodness.  But he still took it farther than you wanted – and you were being very clear about your feelings.

Now it’s funny, when I started reading your letter, I thought I’d be getting onto your case about saying, or even believing, that you’d never again feel what you felt for your ex.  I think there’s a really great chance that you will feel as much, or even more, for someone someday.  But here’s the stupid thing about this new guy – he totally blew his chances of getting to be that someone!  Can you trust him now?  Are you going to let yourself feel things you can’t even imagine feeling, for him?  I really doubt it!  So by trying to be “super manly” and overpower your feelings, he just lost the chance to really win your love!  (At least most likely)

Now I realize you’re saying that you eventually liked the kissing, and it reminded you of your ex.  And that’s really nice.

So here’s what you’ve learned – you found out that you CAN feel that for someone else.  But do you really want it to be this guy?

And what this all leads up to is this advice:  I would be very happy if you Continue reading

0 Should you have casual sex with someone you’re hoping to create a deeper relationship with

Shin asks: I was approached by a 14-year-old, ‘x’, for sex. I’m 23, I have never done it in my life, it is very tempting, I wish to marry x someday, but I can’t say for sure because in our community parents decide our marriages. Should I do it now or should I wait it out? I’m very tempted and losing my confidence to say no every time I think about this. I haven’t done anything or responded to it, but I have let x know I like x very much . I’m torn apart by temptation and fear of losing and doing something bad to x. Don’t want to hurt x but want x in my life in a carnal way. I thought I had this but I’m starting to feel depressed about my love life which is practically zero, which makes this more tempting. Can’t seem to shake off the idea. X asked me whom I’ll marry and I said are you interested and x just shied away. We haven’t had an opportunity to talk alone since, but I’m scared if I do anything to her it might ruin both our lives. Please help.

Hi Shin –

This is a very tough situation, I understand.  You haven’t had the experiences you’ve wanted, and now you’re being offered something that seems wonderful, by someone who’s willing.  How could I possibly suggest you say no?

But I’m going to.  And really only for one reason.

Of course, I have no idea why x wants to have sex so young.  It’s normal for a human to have urges by age 14, but I find them usually to be a bit scared of the concept.  And why is she interested in a man almost twice her age for this?

My concern is about her.  I wonder if she’s worried that there’s something about her that’s not going to get married (maybe something’s happened to her before), so she’s not valuing her status in your community, the way most girls would.

You see, you might be the best thing that’s ever happened to her.  By being a good guy, who actually wants her in a serious way, you might be different from everyone else around her.  And I fear that giving in to what she’s asking might mess that all up.  (In a lot of places, it would also be illegal, and potentially get you locked up in jail for a while, and maybe labeled a Sexual Predator for the rest of your life – and you are SO much better than that!).

So my suggestion would be to Continue reading

2 Should a working woman stay with a man who doesn’t want her to work

Manisha asks: I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years. We are very serious about each other. I also have a job, but my boyfriend does not like this, but I want to do this job because it’s a good company and for me it’s a big opportunity. He wants me to leave this job because my job hours are 1pm to 10 pm, which he doesn’t like. Before this job I already worked with 2-3 companies also, but always he said to me that leave those also. I even worked in day shifts before, which he also didn’t like, but now I want to do this job and I want his support. He is short-tempered, and while I know he loves me very much, he speaks very harshly to me about my job. And his family also does not want me to do this. We have regular fights with each other. I don’t understand how to convince him. And I love him so much that I am searching for another job. So please tell me, is that good to work late at night? I have always to be on time, and on a daily basis I am doing video calls, phone calls – in short, I am giving my 100% for this relationship but I don’t want him to be sad. I don’t know what’s the problem with me doing this job. I can’t live without him. Should I leave this job for his happiness?

Hi Manisha –

Wow, I’m really torn on this.  On one hand, I love that he wants more of you, that he hates having you away from him, but on the other, it sounds like he might have that attitude that says that women shouldn’t work – and that’s as last-century as Rin Tin Tin movies!

But in truth, I have no more right to give my opinion than he does.  Less!  Because I don’t know a hundred other issues.

For example, how is your boyfriend doing financially?  Is he so well-off that he could support you and a family easily?  So there’s no reason – if you two stayed together – for you to need to work?  Or is he being silly, not acknowledging that he’d really need you to work for you two to be able to have a good life?

For another, could you change your working hours – or could he change his – so that you two could have more time together without one of you having to quit your job?

And beyond that, what’s his family’s interest in this?  Do they just not like women working?

But really, all of these questions are secondary.  The big one is what Continue reading

0 Is it a good idea for a student to take an extra year of school

Ajanardhan asks: I’m looking for advice on my kid’s school admission for coming academic year. To brief in better, she is currently doing PP1 and with a plan to move her to ICSC curriculum I have planned to put her into a particular school. But when I approached the school team, I been informed that UKG admission is not possible, as she is not yet five years old. With no option, and with an interest to put her in ICSC curriculum, I have opted for LKG admission and the seat is confirmed. All I want to be double sure of is that the call I am going to take by making the kid to reappear for PP1/LKG is a good decision or not.

Hi Ajanardhan –

So I have to confess – what I know about specific school systems is that mine offered treats when I got things right, while others give punishments when the pups get things wrong. So I don’t know a lot of the terms you’re using. But I think I get the gist of it, which is that you’d like your child to go into a more advanced year than the schools are allowing, so you’re questioning whether to have her do two years in preparation for the better program.

And my answer is – probably – Continue reading

6 My Beautiful Reward …how good comes back many times over…

My Beautiful Reward …how good comes back many times over…

When I started this website almost eight years ago, it was out of a simple thought.  I was just tired of watching you humans struggle so much to find happiness, when the answers to it are so easy.  I could tell that your giant brains were far too complex to grasp what we dogs understand all the time – about living in the moment, the joy of unconditional love, the power of loyalty, the thrill that comes from giving your all to what you care about – and the magic that is living in this world, even with all its flaws.

Sometimes it’s been really painful.  Some of your letters have broken my heart and made me sluff out my doggy door and howl at the sky.  Some have made me angry enough to bite the computer screen.  But most often, I just feel so much affection for you guys – how unique and how alike you all are.  And how lovable.

Now I’ll admit – I could find people I like by just sniffing legs in the park (Maybe I wouldn’t like them quite as much as I like you, since I wouldn’t know what’s inside their hearts, but I might get some dropped treats, so it wouldn’t be too bad!).  But there’s one thing I can never get anywhere else.  And that’s when one of you writes me back and tells me what happened, with whatever we were talking about.  And especially if I made a difference.

You might have seen some of those comments in a Pawprint Newsletter.  I always love to post them – not bragging so much as my way of saying Thanks!

But sometimes I get a fuller story.  Like a letter I recently received from a Pack member named icecandyicepop.  She had written me years ago, about a relationship issue, no different from most of the letters you send.  That was fine – I love jumping in to all your exciting romances and crushes and fantasies!  But then things went a little further…

Around 2 years ago I asked you a question on the subject of a friend I had, and my parents got into a big ‘hooha’ about it, accusing me of various things because they thought he was too young for me.

I just want to say a massive thankyou for your advice! I was in a dark place during that period. I was in a transitioning phase of going from high school up to a college, and lost contact with many of my friends within the short space of a few months. This stress ultimately led to me developing an eating disorder, one that I can now say is in remission as I have just recently shot back to almost the same weight as I was when I had a healthy mind.

That guy was a part of this problem as he became more of an obsession, or a means of rebelling against my truest friends: my family. It took me just under a year but I eventually realized the cause of my desire to be friends with him and what my efforts had caused on myself: Anorexia, loss of family bonds and a disregard for my pre-existing and healthy friendships.

Now at my second year, an ease of mind and family support have helped to boost my grades far higher than I could have expected, which is a result of my eating good and proper amounts of healthy foods, closer than ever bonds with my family, even with my Dad who I have up until recently NEVER seen eye-to-eye with, and topped off with my many NEW friends I have made at college, all of whom seem to genuinely care about me and take time to talk to me and arrange events and occasions, something that even my old friends could never be bothered to do.

My life now is now as fulfilling and happy as it’s ever been for me (minus the workload of school!) which is thanks I guess to the tough year that I endured mentally. I guess you could call it an emotional safari; we had just been chased by lions, but those lions chased us all the way to the end of the rainbow. The pot of gold.

I now put my family and friends first at every opportunity, I no longer care about how skinny I am – to be honest, I rather want a little chubbiness to me, nothing excessive, just a little bulk to fill out my t-shirts and skinny trousers that for all too long, despite being skinny, have always fit like a straight leg.

Are you loving this as much as I am?  Well, here’s where I collapsed onto the floor…!

Your email which you sent me, whether you remember it or not, hit the nail on the head. I just needed to make some new friends my own age. I have done this and now feel like I belong somewhere, I don’t have to prove myself or the way I look to the type of friends I have, because now I am accepted for who I am, by my family and my friends – as these friends have chosen me for my personality, not my looks.

The next step for me is to get back into sport.  Now leading almost a ‘coach potato lifestyle’ with the occasional walk, albeit often a big one around town or taking my beautiful dog, wups! I mean my beautiful owner, for a long walk around my village.

Hearing your advice in those dark times for me was relieving, you helped to shine a light on the right path for me and that path was the best one.

I think all I needed was someone to talk to, while at the time, I had no friends or family to do so with. You helped me a great deal for which I am in debt; massively!

Thank you so much.

So okay, I read this, and next thing you know, I’m lying on the floor, panting.   Handsome saw this and got worried that I might have had some food poisoning, but I had him read the letter, and he plopped down on the floor next to me.  “Oh, now I get it,”  He said, scratching my ears.  “Pup, you’ve just experienced getting everything you live for.  Kind of overwhelming, isn’t it?”

It sure is.

And this is why I’m sharing this with you, Pack Members.  The rewards this website has given me haven’t been financial – no, actually they’ve actually been far greater.  I’m the only dog I know who’s ever gotten a letter like that!  And I get all sorts of wonderful, beautiful letters from you guys.  I can’t dream of anything more wonderful!

I was already a lucky pup, I know.  I have a human who loves me and shelters and feeds me and takes me to the veterinarian’s office even if I try to run out once I see they might give me a shot.  I’m not out in the wilds, or on the streets, hunting for food to keep from starving, and fighting off predators all the time.

Instead, I get to put my efforts into doing this.  And it’s the best feeling in the world for me.  Do you have something that works like that for you?  Something that has that quality some call “Selflessness,” but which really is completely selfish because it makes you feel so good?!

It’s so fun.  One of you gets a new boyfriend (or dumps a lousy one) and I feel tingles of romance.  Or another finds the way to work an issue out with your parents, and I feel more secure and trusting about the world.  And icecandyicepop moves past an eating disorder, and all my food suddenly tastes better.

Whatever you want to call that quality – charity, codependence, universal love – it’s beautiful.  And everyone can have it.

And if you can find a way to make it a part of your life, I guarantee, you’ll find the happiness I wish for you, each of you, every day.

Oh, one other thing – a funny thought about that.  From all I can tell, that quality I’m talking about is the one that most replicates the actual experience you humans get in adopting a dog.  You know you’re going to lose money on the deal.  And time.  And property that gets chewed up.  But the rewards are nothing short of magical.

Or so I’m told!

0 What does it mean if your boyfriend asks for your best friend’s number

intel asks: If my boyfriend asks for my best friend’s number, what is he up to?

Hi intel –

Oh I SOOOOO wish I could read minds!  Then I could tell you exactly what your boyfriend wants with that number.  But since I can’t, my mind goes to…

1) He wants to plan a surprise for you, and to plan it out with your friend

2) He’s suspicious about something, and wants to check with your friend to see if it’s true

3) He’s attracted to your best friend and wants to get to know them

4) He wants to learn more about you and figures your best friend is the best source for information.

It could be any of these, or something else.

But I do have a thought.  Tell your best friend about this, and then give your boyfriend the number.  Then after he calls, have your friend tell you what he called about.  Now if it’s a surprise, this could ruin it a little.  But if you’re concerned enough to write me about it, I’m guessing you have good reasons to ask.  So I’d say to try this, and see what happens.

Good luck!

Shirelle