0 Is it best to travel with friends, or stay in school?

Cubcub asks: I had planned to go to another country with my best friend. Then I thought she would take her college studies here, so I processed my papers also to be a working scholar on a university because I thought we won’t be going. But things changed, my bff is going to go abroad. The problem is I am confused which should I choose – my scholarship here (which is very tiring and I am staying at my aunt and uncle’s house which is strict) or to resign here and grab the chance to go to another country, have a job, and earn income, which would really help my family?

Hi Cubcub –

We dogs aren’t all that smart, really.  And unless there’s a really clear difference between two choices (live in a dungeon being tortured or move to a pastoral home all-expenses-paid), it’s hard for me to choose for someone else.

But we pups are VERY good at reading people’s feelings.  And I don’t even think I’d have to be all that good at it to see – you want to go.  You want to be with your friend, you want to get a job and earn money, and you’d like to get out of the strict household.

But going would mean giving up on that scholarship.

Or would it?

Have you checked with the university to see if you could hold off for a year or two, and then still get the scholarship?  My guess is that they very well might say yes.  Then if they do, I think you could make the wonderful choice to go with your friend, make money, have a freer life, and then come back and do the scholarship.

There’s another argument for that as well – although humans tend to want to get education at the earliest age possible, I find that students who’ve lived some time in the ‘real world’ actually do better at universities than those who just push through.  They have a better sense of why they’re doing the work they are, and learning what they are, and often crave knowledge so much they study more than just what’s taught in the class.

So I’d say to check with the school and find out.  And maybe also find out if, if you come back for that scholarship, you’d be able to get discounted student housing, so you wouldn’t have to live in that strict home anymore, and could instead enjoy visiting your aunt and uncle when it’s convenient for all of you.

Hoping this works!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s behavior makes no sense at all

tiffy1611 asks: I have been in a relationship for 2 years. And I really love him. But during this time, he once cheated on me and never accepted it. That’s the reason I could never forgive him. Now he has become what he is supposed to be but I have become extremely insecure. I cannot blindly trust him anymore. I always feel that he might leave me or cheat on me again. And I try controlling it, but sometimes I burst out. Now something happened and I kind of blamed him that he is doing this things behind my back. He is extremely hurt. And broke up with me. He has blocked me from everywhere and is shutting me off. I want him back cause I really do love him – what should I do?

Hi Anoushka. 1998 –

This is always a very difficult situation.  It’s hard enough to open yourself up and trust someone when they haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s really hard when they have.

Now if there weren’t three particular words in your question, I’d have some very particular suggestions on how to try to repair the relationship.  But those would be based on my believing that both of you agreed about what happened in the past.

What worries me is when you say he cheated on you once “and never accepted it.” 

Okay, that’s four words.  Sorry.  Doggy brain.

Are you saying that he never admitted that he cheated, or that he never accepted how serious this experience was for you?  Or is it that you never accepted it?

It looks to me like you’re saying he didn’t accept it.  And whatever he didn’t accept, I think there’s our big problem.

If a person cheats, and admits it, and expresses regret, then there’s a way for the relationship to move forward, and maybe work out.  But if they deny it, or say it didn’t matter, or some such thing, then there’s no way for the couple to move forward.

I love to tell the story of the time Continue reading

0 What to do when someone is jealous of how your ex feels about you

Sruthi asks: My best friend is also my ex. His best friend is the girl who proposed to him. She really hates me. And today she called me the worst words ever. I feel like I’m gonna kill myself. I asked my ex if he didn’t care about me, and he didn’t even reply. What should I do?

Hi Sruthi –

Okay, first thing you should do – DON’T kill yourself!  If we can get that worked out, the rest is far simpler!!

So here’s the simple fact – she’s jealous of you.  There’s no other reason why she’d bother you.

I hate jealousy.  I can fall into it myself (Handsome will pet a puppy and tell him how cute he is, and I want to beat that little mongrel to a pulp!).  But it’s really an emotion that does no good, and makes everyone miserable.

This girl probably picks up that your ex still has feelings for you (even when people break up knowing it’s the right thing to do, and even disliking the person they’re breaking up with, they still have feelings for that person; it’s impossible not to).  And she’s got her own voices telling her she’s not good enough, and all that nonsense.

My suggestion is that you Continue reading

0 How to deal with an overprotective family, after you leave home

Pennelope0214 asks: My family have been very strict, orthodox, protective people, like cross the limit kind. I wanted to leave my home because of that over-protectiveness, which I did last year by moving to college in another city far away. I have an elder brother; we didn’t used to talk but before moving he explained to me that he never liked my lifestyle due to which he was always irritated (my “lifestyle” meaning I use a little makeup). My mother is a very rude person, she’d call me dirty names when I did something bad. Even though I know they both love me. My brother didn’t know about that incident I told you about, where the man tried to cut my throat. I told him a few days back after the function in our college where another guy (who was my date, I didn’t know him but his friends and my seniors said he is nice) kind of harassed me which I told my brother. After all this he asked me to stay away from every guy and if he finds out something relating to any guy and me, he will do something bad. Yesterday we had another function, prom night. My mother kept in calling me saying she needs to talk to the college authorities, is it a university to study or just parties? When I came back I called my brother, and he said which guy did you go with? I said no one. He reprimanded me saying I am lying and he knows me, there must have been a guy. I cut the call. I am tired of living my life. I thought maybe when I’d move out things will change but no, that isn’t happening. This summer break I have to go to my brother’s for my internship and I am tense since I have to be there for one and a half month. He’d talk about that throat incident, boys and put on restrictions on me all the way over again. I don’t want to face him. I made a mistake telling him about the incident. I don’t want to go there or anywhere. I thought he’d understand what I’ve been through and would support me.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

I agree fully with you – the way your mother and brother are acting shows they love you, and it’s not at all coming in the way you need right now.

There may come a day in the future when you move away and get even more space from them, and that can be fine, just for you to get to live your life and be yourself.  I’m not a fan of completely cutting one’s family off – what I see is that people who do that tend to just ‘recreate’ their family with other people, and go through the same stuff they would have with their parents and siblings anyway.

But for now, you’re kind of stuck with them.  Like me in the cage at the pound, I could love or like or dislike or hate all the other puppies in there, but the one thing I couldn’t do was unlatch the gate and walk out!

So instead you have another job, which is to Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend asks for space.

GIGI asks: I have a boyfriend. Whenever he has problems, he likes keeping to himself. Lately he has been having problems which I don’t know of; of course he wouldn’t tell, he only told me that he needed space. This is the first time this is happening between us, because we only started dating recently. Right now we don’t talk except in person. He always avoids my calls. I texted him one day and told him I would let him be. I promised to give him the space he wanted. And now I miss him so much, and I want nothing but to talk to him. I don’t know if I should call him? I am scared of being rejected.

Hi GIGI –

Of course I relate to this one a lot.  Every dog feels shut out from their humans’ world a great deal of the time, usually most of the time, with no idea why.  It can be heartbreaking, such as when I can see he’s sad and I know nothing would help him more than to be jumped on and nipped by me and forced to play catch and fetch.

Of course, it’s a good thing that your boyfriend was able to tell you that he needed space (instead of just “ghosting” you), and I do believe you should respect his wishes.

However… Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize you’ve been dating someone who’s not able to commit?

Rep asks: I’m presently in a relationship, a very lovely relationship thus far. Very recently we talked about our future, and he is not planning to settle down, even in the next six years and truthfully I can’t wait that long. This very period, a guy I know from church has been asking me to marry him. I don’t really know him but he says he has been observing me for over two years and wants to spend forever with me. I really don’t know what to do. I know that, as it stands now, I don’t have a future with my boyfriend, but at the same time I don’t really know this guy who’s asking me for marriage.

Hi Rep –

I’m awfully sorry about the situation with your current boyfriend.  That’s a hard one – especially as he sounds like he’s being very honest with you, so you don’t get to snarl and growl about what a horrible jerk he is!  He’s just telling you his truth, which makes him exactly the good guy you’ve always seen in him.

Now a situation like this is almost guaranteed to confuse a person.  So much so that they can’t make sense of the world around them.  And that’s what it seems is happening to you.

Your question is easy to answer.  But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.

The answer to your question is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize you’ve been used in a relationship?

PerryB asks: I had a crush on a guy I go to school with. I told him and we talked it over, and a few weeks later he said that he had developed feelings for me and he asked me to be his girlfriend. Shortly after, we became intimate. Then, after about a week of us being a couple, he texted me and told me we have to break up, that things between us had gone too far. I was crushed, and I haven’t been to school ever since, but I have decided to go back after a week of being locked up in my room, since I want a future for myself. But I don’t know how I should react when I see him at school, since there is no way I can completely avoid him. Please give me some advice on what I should do.

Hi PerryB –

Humans are such a strange species.  You guys have such incredible gigantic brains, which accomplish so much, but this also means you worry tons about things we dogs would never give a thought to.

Now maybe this guy didn’t mean to hurt you.  But even if so, he did.  He hurt you really badly.  You feel used and rejected, as any human would.

And you’re the one who’s scared to go to school?!  Dear, if a dog treated me that badly, they’d be the ones to be scared with every step they took!  Not knowing if I’d be around any corner, ready to sink my fangs right into their hindquarters – and they’d know they deserved it!

Now I understand, you’re embarrassed and all that.  But my advice is to Continue reading

0 Is it okay for my girlfriend to spend time with her ex, so she can figure out her feelings?

Praneet30 asks: At first my girlfriend said she hates her ex, and they didn’t talk; then after some time she said she wanted to talk to him once, to end things once and for all. After that they started talking once or twice a month. This has been going on for more than 2 years. Recently she asked him to pick her up and then they went someplace. Her excuse was that she wanted to clear her mind. So should I trust her and stay with her, or leave her?

Hi Praneet30 –

Your letter reminds me of years ago, when my human friend Handsome still smoked cigarettes sometimes.  Every once in a while he’d decide he wanted to quit them.  And so he’d cut down the number he’d have per day, and then he’d cut down to one every couple of days, and be all just about ready to give them up completely.  But then he’d say “You know, if I quit totally now, I’ll crave them more next week.  So I should have one more right now, and that way I’ll be better able to quit.”  Then a few days later he’d say the same thing.  And then a day later he’d have two or three, just to make sure he was handling the addiction right.  And the next day he’d have four.  And the next five, and he’d be right back in.

Now I don’t know what your girlfriend and her ex are doing, or what she thinks they’re doing.  But I can sure tell you that the two things she’s NOT doing are ending it with him once and for all, and clearing her mind of him!  Any more than Handsome was ending it, or clearing his mind, with those cigarettes!  The way to stop smoking, eventually, is to stop.  And that’s also the way to end it with an ex!

Now if your girlfriend was saying “My ex and I have always been friendly, and although we’re not romantic anymore, I really enjoy having him in my life and hanging out with him in an innocent way,” then I’d be on her side.  Some of Handsome’s best friends are women he dated in the past, and it’s truly not a problem for any of them at all.

What I don’t like is that Continue reading

0 Should you apologize for someone accusing you of something you didn’t do?

Elsa asks: My boyfriend went silent on me for two days; he did not answer my texts or my calls. We had not disagreed in any way before. I asked him if he had any problem and he only answered that he is fine, and then went quiet. I insisted and politely asked him to talk to me about anything. He promised to call which he didn’t. I was to travel to his place over the weekend; when I asked if he’d be around he just replied that he will be traveling and did not explain anything. I got worked up and agitatedly asked what this was all about. I asked if he was tired of me and immediately he became angry, insisting that I don’t trust, and demanded that he needed a break. It’s now been a week, and we have not talked. I still love him and I really want to know why he changed all of a sudden, if he has left forever, or he needs some time. But at the same time, I feel like giving him the break he needed because I never did anything wrong to cause this, except for the mistrust he claims after I asked what was wrong with him. Please help me. what should I do? Should I call and apologize or should I wait for him to make the move?

Hi Elsa –

I have to be honest with you.  I’m a big fan of apologizing, but I don’t know how in the world you could apologize to this guy – you don’t even know what it was he’s saying you did wrong!  What would you say, “I’m deeply sorry for whatever it is that you’re imagining, even though it never actually happened!”?

Frankly, it sounds to me like he’s avoiding you.  That might mean he’s struggling with getting closer to you (humans often pull away when they start to feel committed – weird, isn’t it!).  Or that he’s thinking of breaking things off with you.

And of course, he has the full right to either one.

But you also have the right to do what’s best for you while he’s doing this.  And my thought is that that best thing is for you to Continue reading

0 Should I give my girlfriend space while her exes pursue her?

Kimwelzzz asks: Currently I’m dating a girl, but we can’t be at peace and nothing is the same because she talks to her three exes, and they told her she took their love for granted and claimed they’ve never loved anyone else like they loved her. Now she feels messed up because she doesn’t know what to do. On the other hand, the same situation happened to me, but with just one ex. And what I did was hurt him and choose her, but now she can’t do the same. Nothing is okay. She’s blaming herself for everything and is going through a lot, so I had to give her space and time but I’m afraid of what she might do when she’s alone. What’s best for her?

Hi Kimwelzzz –

I’m always struck by that idea, that because one person loves another more than they’ve ever loved anyone else, it’s that other person’s obligation to commit to them, and love them back.

I mean, sure, it’s nice to love someone who loves you back, even loves you more than you feel for them (Have you ever heard that old Paul McCartney song about “You gave me the answer to love eternally: I love you and you seem to like me”?!). But the reason to commit to someone is because YOU feel something for THEM, not the other way around.

It sounds to me like your girlfriend is in a very confused place.  As you point out, it’s difficult enough when one ex gives you this treatment, but to have three?!  Wow!

In fact, I think it’s too much for her to handle well.  It’s got to be confusing, even dizzying.  But over time, she’ll have to come down to earth and start to ask herself more grounded questions, like “But who do I want to be with?!”

And in a funny way, you’re making the same mistake, when you ask me “What’s best for her?”  She can decide that for herself; your job is to figure out what’s best for you while she does!

I think your idea of giving her space is good, but you don’t have to completely disappear from her life.  How about Continue reading