Should you apologize for someone accusing you of something you didn’t do?

Elsa asks: My boyfriend went silent on me for two days; he did not answer my texts or my calls. We had not disagreed in any way before. I asked him if he had any problem and he only answered that he is fine, and then went quiet. I insisted and politely asked him to talk to me about anything. He promised to call which he didn’t. I was to travel to his place over the weekend; when I asked if he’d be around he just replied that he will be traveling and did not explain anything. I got worked up and agitatedly asked what this was all about. I asked if he was tired of me and immediately he became angry, insisting that I don’t trust, and demanded that he needed a break. It’s now been a week, and we have not talked. I still love him and I really want to know why he changed all of a sudden, if he has left forever, or he needs some time. But at the same time, I feel like giving him the break he needed because I never did anything wrong to cause this, except for the mistrust he claims after I asked what was wrong with him. Please help me. what should I do? Should I call and apologize or should I wait for him to make the move?

Hi Elsa –



I have to be honest with you.  I’m a big fan of apologizing, but I don’t know how in the world you could apologize to this guy – you don’t even know what it was he’s saying you did wrong!  What would you say, “I’m deeply sorry for whatever it is that you’re imagining, even though it never actually happened!”?


Frankly, it sounds to me like he’s avoiding you.  That might mean he’s struggling with getting closer to you (humans often pull away when they start to feel committed – weird, isn’t it!).  Or that he’s thinking of breaking things off with you.


And of course, he has the full right to either one.


But you also have the right to do what’s best for you while he’s doing this.  And my thought is that that best thing is for you to take a nice walk.  Maybe you could go out with some friends.  Maybe you haven’t spent as much time with your family lately as you ought.  Or maybe there’s a book you’ve been meaning to read, or a TV show you want to binge!  Whatever it is, I’m not exactly suggesting that you “wait for him to make a move.”  Rather I’m saying to move on, and see what he does.  You could drop him a note if you like, something like “Hoping you’re doing well, would love to hear from you when you feel like it,” but don’t pressure him to contact you at all.  Just let him do it when he’s ready.


Handsome, my human friend, and I love to go to a big dog park.  And when we’re there, I get so excited about playing with the dogs that I kind of forget about him.  But then, after tussling with Titan and bouncing with Bowser and wrestling with Ruffian, I suddenly think, “Uh oh, did he leave?!”  And I race around to find him, run up and jump on him (ideally with muddy paws on the lightest clothing he’s wearing), and get a pat from him.  Then I feel better, and am back diving into the crowd of furry tails.


What we want is for your boyfriend to hit that place of anxiety that I do, to suddenly wonder, “Wait, what’s Elsa doing?!”  And when he does, he might be all lovey-dovey (like me to Handsome), or he might be all “Honey, we need to talk…”  And either way, your relationship will move forward to a new place.

But for now, just be yourself and do what feels good.  And whatever it is, something will happen with him when it’s time.




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