What to do when you realize you’ve been dating someone who’s not able to commit?

Rep asks: I’m presently in a relationship, a very lovely relationship thus far. Very recently we talked about our future, and he is not planning to settle down, even in the next six years and truthfully I can’t wait that long. This very period, a guy I know from church has been asking me to marry him. I don’t really know him but he says he has been observing me for over two years and wants to spend forever with me. I really don’t know what to do. I know that, as it stands now, I don’t have a future with my boyfriend, but at the same time I don’t really know this guy who’s asking me for marriage.

Hi Rep –



I’m awfully sorry about the situation with your current boyfriend.  That’s a hard one – especially as he sounds like he’s being very honest with you, so you don’t get to snarl and growl about what a horrible jerk he is!  He’s just telling you his truth, which makes him exactly the good guy you’ve always seen in him.


Now a situation like this is almost guaranteed to confuse a person.  So much so that they can’t make sense of the world around them.  And that’s what it seems is happening to you.


Your question is easy to answer.  But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.


The answer to your question is to let your boyfriend go (as you’re already doing), and then agree to go on some dates with the guy from church.


That’s it.


Now Church-Guy may be thinking he’s ready to commit to you, but the fact is he barely knows you.  And of course, you don’t know him either.  So go to dinner.  Go on a hike.  Go to a movie.  Whatever.  Get to know him.  And give him a chance to get to know you.


And if he really is all that interested, this will give him a chance to get you interested in him!


If you do this, a number of things might happen.  One, of course, is that you find that Church-Guy was right, that you’re really made for each other, and you agree to marry him.  Fantastic.


Another is that Current-Boyfriend sees you dating another guy and starts to have second thoughts about that six-year thing, and comes back to you asking for you to reconsider him.  That could be fun too!

And then… it also could be that you realize Church-Guy isn’t right for you, and Current-Boyfriend was right that he needed to do other things, and you find yourself single.


Okay.  So you’ve had TWO guys wanting to be involved with you (to the degree they see themselves as capable at the time), and neither is giving you what you want and need?  Well that tells me that there are going to be other guys interested in you too!  So my third scenario isn’t really all that bad!


In other words, Rep, I’m saying that your next step is pretty simple.  I know it’s going to be hard to let this guy, who you love so much, go.  But he’s got to do what he’s got to do.


But let it happen, see what you think of this other guy… and embrace the future you’re being given.


Whatever that is!


(After all, isn’t trusting in what’s coming exactly what you hear preached every week at that church you attend?!!)


All my best,


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