0 How to gain custody of a child

dan77 asks: I need to get custody of my son because his mother does nothing with him. What do I do?

Hi dan77 –

Sadly, while I can certainly commiserate with you about the difficulties you’re facing, and how awful this is for you, there’s no advice I can give about how to get custody.  For two reasons – one, I’m not an attorney and don’t know much about law; and two – I don’t even know where you live, and if I did know law, I’d only know those for my country or state, and so still wouldn’t be able to help you.

You MUST Continue reading

0 How to get away from a possessive boyfriend or girlfriend

bhian asks: I’m afraid right now. I have a boyfriend who is so possessive. He always gets jealous, and hits me after. How can I break up with him? My kids are afraid with him also.

Hi bhian –

I really have two answers for you.  One is something I sent to someone else, about how to break up as gently and kindly as possible.  But before I get to that, I need to bring up this other issue.

Jealousy is fine.  I get very jealous when I see my human friend Handsome petting other dogs.  There’s actually a compliment in there.

But a man hitting a woman is NOT okay.  And terrifying children isn’t either.  So my first and biggest concern is to get you and them safe.

If you lived where I do, I’d know who you could call.  But I don’t know where you live.  So I want you to find a time you can be by yourself, and to call the police and ask them what services are available for abused mothers and children.

Now your boyfriend might not ever strike you or the kids again.  And if so, that’s great.  But please, as soon as you can, find out what services are out there.  And keep that information.  You never know when you’ll need it.

Okay, so onto the ‘funner’ part of it:

I hate breakups.  I’ve never really had one, but I’ve suffered from them, whenever Handsome’s had any.  And he hates them – whether they’re his idea or hers.  Both feel really bad.  But that’s just one of those things almost all humans go through, and so the best thing to do is to get it over with as kindly and as easily as possible.  Here are some suggestions: Continue reading

0 How to deal with having lied to someone to meet them

Chica asks: I met a guy about a year ago at a College event. I thought he was really cute. We spoke but I was too shy to get his number. Now after a year I finally got his number at Debate Competition Website. So I decided to text him regarding the competition, as I didn’t wanted to look desperate. I actually lied to him about signing up for the debate competition that he is conducting in order to hit up a conversation. But the problem is that he is now asking me details regarding the competition which I don’t have. So how should I tell him that I lied just in order to talk to him?! I am afraid that he might think of me as a stalker or psychopath because we met a year ago. But I still remember each and every moment from that day. Should I tell him that I lied, and I really think that he is cute and I would like to go out with him? Will I look like a stalker and a desperate person?

Hi Chica –

WOW!  What a story!  I have to admit, I’ve gotten thousands of letters, but never one like this before!

I have to admit, I’m stumped.  I’ve been trying to figure out an answer, but the only thing I can come up with is a story my human friend Handsome told me, about a guy he worked with long ago.  This man had his eye on another man at work, and was trying to get the guts up to pursue him (which is scary to do today but was even scarier back then).  He told his friends that he had this fantasy of inviting the man back to his hotel room to share a great bottle of rare Scotch whiskey.  Then, when the man showed up, he’d say, “I have a confession to make.  I don’t have any Scotch.”  And that the man would respond, “That’s alright.  I don’t drink Scotch!”

Handsome couldn’t remember if anything ever ended up happening between the guys, but he always remembered that fantasy, as it was such a funny and exciting idea.

So… can you Continue reading

0 What to do when you need more attention than your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to give

Free asks: I’m 21-year-old girl with a boyfriend who always wants space in his life. He considers his friends more important than me, but he also doesn’t want to breakup with me and gives me the hope of coming back to his life. And I just can’t stay apart from him for an hour also! I love him more than my soul; he is my world. I’m a highly sensitive empath who feels a lot, so I don’t know how to deal with this.

Hi Free –

I’m going to say something to you that’s not as judgmental as it may sound.  But it seems to me you’re addicted to your boyfriend.

You know addictions, the way people are addicted to cigarettes or coffee or whatever?  See, that doesn’t mean they just like them, it’s that they can’t stand not having them, their bodies react badly to being deprived of them, even when they aren’t enjoying them at all.

See, you say you’re an empath, and I have every reason to believe you are.  But empaths feel what other people are feeling.  And yet, when your boyfriend feels a need for space, your instant reaction is to need more of him, right?

So it’s great that you’re an empath, but what’s pushing you in this relationship is your addiction to him.  And it might push him away so hard he breaks things off!

So I want you to do two things, at the same time.  First, I want you to work on Continue reading

0 What to do when someone disappears after fun dating

Gigi67 asks: There’s this guy…we used to be best friends. One day he suddenly asked me out and it went quite well for 3 days and we got intimate and everything, but after that he suddenly stopped talking to me. He told he’s busy but I’m not sure if that’s the truth. What do I do? How do I make him talk to me again?

Hi Gigi67 –

Well, as often happens here, I have to say that I’m a very smart dog, but I’m not psychic.  I have no idea what’s going on in his head, or why he’s acted the way he has.  But there are a few most likely possibilities.

First, that he likes you a lot, and doesn’t quite know what to do with the feelings.  Nothing’s wrong, he just needs to pull away and figure himself out.  Imagine if you were suddenly given a billion dollars (or the equivalent in your country’s money).  Sure you’d be thrilled at first, and take all your friends out and splurge on things… but then, after a few days, you’d start to realize that everything in your life has changed.  People will treat you differently.  Should you still keep pursuing the career you have been, now that you won’t need the money?  Should you start a charity?  If so, who do you want to support?  It’s still incredibly fantastic and amazing that you got all that money, but you need to figure out who you are again.  That might be him today (meaning you’re like a billion dollars!).

Second, that something feels wrong.  He had a nice time with you, but realizes that you’re not exactly his type, or he’s not ready for a relationship, or that he doesn’t know how to manage his life and include you in it.

And third, that something changed.  This is the least likely, but of course it’s possible – he met someone else he wants to pursue, or someone close to him has a bad illness that he’s not allowed to talk about, or… anything is possible.

So in each of these cases, what should you do? Continue reading

0 What to do when someone you’ve rejected won’t take no for an answer

Jerry asks: A boy proposed to me one year ago and I said no to him. But he continuously sent me messages, so I replied to some of them to make him understand that we can’t be in a relationship, as my family is so conservative and I’m not interested in all these things; I have to focus on my study. But he doesn’t understand this and he emotionally tortures me by saying that I am so arrogant, I have so much attitude. How do I make him understand that he should stop sending me messages because it disturbs me? We have talked so many times on this topic, and at the end he agreed that he would not send me messages again, but he didn’t stop messaging me. I’m tired of him and I have a fear that if someone in my family reads his message then I’ll have to face a big problem. My family is so strict I can’t talk to them on this matter. I have blocked him, but still his message shows on my phone’s notification. I’m 17 years old and he is also 17. We studied together, but now we are in different cities due to studies. We never talked in childhood, but just studied together. He stole my number from my friends mobile. Please suggest what should I do.

Hi Jerry –

Well I have an easy answer for you, but you’ve already done it.

I get a lot of letters from people with strict families, trying to figure out how to handle the fact that they love someone their family doesn’t accept.  But that’s not you.

I get a lot of letters from people who have someone pursuing them who just doesn’t understand their need to study or work, but they’d love to be with them otherwise.  But that’s not you either.

This boy has been hostile, insulting, and completely disregarding of your requests to stop messaging you.  The one great thing about your letter is that I’m SO happy you said no when he proposed!  Can you imagine what he’d be like to live with?!  I just want to bite him more with each sentence I read here!

So I would have told you to block him.  But you have.  And that’s the part I don’t understand.

We dogs don’t understand technology at all – only a few of us have figured out how open a doorknob (my human is very  happy I have not mastered that ability!).  But doesn’t blocking a person mean their communications don’t come through at all?  I would suggest you contact your phone company to find out how to block his messages completely – so nothing  comes through.  Not his words, not a notification that he wrote, nothing!

On the other hand, I would also think that your strict family might come into use here.  Parents aren’t usually strict because they don’t care about their kids; it’s because they care so much and want to protect them from everything (sometimes to a point that isn’t good for the kid).  So I would think that if, say, your father, or a brother, saw one of these nasty texts, and especially saw that you had been trying to put this boy off for a while, they might get extremely angry – at him, not you – and go do something about it!

Now I’m not in favor of violence, but someone telling this guy to stop what he’s been doing, and maybe scaring him a bit… I kind of like that!

So you might want to save the messages you’ve gotten, just in case you’ll need them later.  But for now, again, I’d just say to contact your phone company and find out how to shut this nonsense DOWN!

And later, when you’re ready to get involved with someone, and you find someone just great, who treasures you and treats you right… OH are you going to be glad this jerk is out of your life!!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Does my boyfriend/girlfriend love me enough? AND How to help a new father commit fully.

flowerhotmami asks: I am wondering if my boyfriend loves me enough. We have a beautiful daughter, she’s 5 months old now. I found out that he was flirting with other girls back when I was pregnant, and even asked someone on a date. I was asking if he has plans to marry me, but all he would tell me was he wants us to be prepared financially and emotionally. Before I got pregnant we were almost 2 years in a relationship. When I found out about him cheating on me I still gave him another chance, because he asked to and he was sorry he said. And I love him and want my baby to have a complete family. But again, does he love me enough that he will really marry me?

Hi flowerhotmami –

You’re asking a great question.  One which I can’t begin to answer – I have no idea what he feels (I’m a very smart dog but I’m not psychic).

But I want to talk about something else.  He may very well love you to the moon and back.  But he’s not doing a great job of committing.

This is very normal.  Long ago I heard of some study that said that the time men are most likely to cheat is when their wives or girlfriends are pregnant.  In fact, it’s specifically when the women are in the hospital to have the baby!  Just when you’d think a man would feel the most attached and concerned.

And here’s the big point – it is  when they’re feeling attached and concerned!  The problem is that the feeling –  the awareness of oncoming responsibility, the knowledge that nothing will ever be the same again for them, the realization that they might be about to love more deeply than they ever have before – scares them!  And yeah, that’s pretty scary when you think about it!

I have a friend named Aria who I’ve written about here before.  She’s a very sweet dog, and lives in a wonderful home now but came from a past full of abuse and abandonment.  Every day, her human comes home from work and they run to each other and hug and kiss and yowl and just have a great celebration.  And then, suddenly, Aria will run, either outdoors or into her crate.  Why?  Did her human hurt her?  Did she suddenly doubt her safety or that she’s loved?  No, it’s that her brain explodes, her emotions are too big for her to handle.  So she needs to hibernate for a bit.

So if your boyfriend does love you as much as he says, his silly flirting and trying to get a date, my guess is, were just him running into his crate!

(and let’s give BIG thanks and congratulations to whoever that was who told him “No!”  Particularly if they said “What?!  Are you out of your mind?!  Get your butt home to flowerhotmami, fool!”)

Now as you’ve found, asking him if he loves you really doesn’t get you what you need right now.  Instead, your job is to help him grow up a little.

The fact is, you’re completely committed to him.  You even have a baby with him.  You don’t need him to be rich or fully mature, you’re committed to him now.  And you need him to show some commitment back.

So a few things he could do would be – Continue reading

0 What to do if a more attractive guy is after your girlfriend

AayuTheLegend asks: I have a boy in school who is trying to win my girl over. And I think he is good at it. He can attract her pretty easily, and I want you to help me. I am not the kind of guy who would go up and fight someone; I am the kind of guy who is sweet and caring. I have told him to back off many times, but he just doesn’t listen.

Hi AayuTheLegend –

Well this is an awfully interesting development!  You just won this girl over, and now suddenly this other guy is trying to muscle in?

I’ll confess, I am the sort who’d react with violence.  But just a little.

See, when my human friend Handsome pets another dog, especially if he really gives it a good cuddle, I go nuts.  I’ll run up to that pooch and completely dominate it, growling and jumping on it, just to let it know, “Hey, that man is MINE!”  It’s not really fair, I know; it wasn’t the dog’s fault Handsome thought it was so cute.  But still I make my point clear!

But I think you’re smarter to not go that direction.  For two reasons.

First, you can get in trouble, with a school or even the law, for beating up on this guy.

But second, it makes you look insecure.  And specifically, insecure about your girlfriend’s feelings.

YOU WON HER, my friend!  She’s with you!  What would be the message to her if you went after that guy?  That you don’t trust her?  That you know he’s better and more appealing than you?  That she has to worry about any guy being friendly to her because you’ll go after them?

How much better for you to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re jealous about your boyfriend or girlfriend’s interest in someone else

Manuu asks: I have been wanting to date a girl a very long time, but she told me she has someone else she loves. But I can’t comprehend that in my head, because I love her way too much. Any time she talks about that guy I get so jealous and mad that even, a lot of time, I cry. I really do love her and don’t wanna leave her. What should I do?

Hi Manuu –

Oh I so understand where you’re coming from!  I’ll see my human friend Handsome fall in love with a woman, and get all obsessive about her, and I just can’t understand what he’s doing when I’m available and so in love with him, and always ready to play and cuddle and go wherever he wants – and those women are never as accepting as I am!

But the fact is, it doesn’t really matter how much you or I love someone; they feel what they feel, and that’s all there is to it.

But you can do what I do, which is to be the best friend in the world.  And that can work out, because if their romance doesn’t work out (and so far, Handsome’s never have!), we’re there to help them afterwards.

Now in my case, I’ve never been actually rejected by Handsome; he still loves and lives with me while he’s going crazy about these women.  Whereas you’re stuck in the “friend zone,” which I know feels lousy.

But if you can get her to value you enough, then maybe she’ll come to her senses and realize that you’ll make a far better boyfriend than that jerk!

So even though you’re jealous and angry, just try to be as kind and supportive as you can.  Don’t pretend to not care for her (or she’ll think you don’t), but let your love become a wish for her to be happy no matter what.

And if this other guy isn’t as kind as that, he’ll make you look SO GOOD!

In fact, there’s another funny thing that could happen to you, that does happen with me occasionally.  Handsome will put up with all sorts of nonsense a woman does (putting him down, flaking out on him, guilt-tripping him), but if she in any way questions his feelings for me, or especially if she suggests he should get rid of me or treat me worse… oh that’s when he BLOWS UP!  Here I’m being so great to him, and she’s complaining that I’m not good enough?  Nope, he’ll end up breaking up with her for it.

So imagine if you’re such a great friend to this girl, and her boyfriend gets jealous of YOU!, and tells her to cut you out of her life… and she responds by cutting HIM out instead!

It’s not impossible.  I’ve seen it a few times!

So see if you can do it.  If you’re just too angry, then maybe it’s impossible.  But if not, if you can allow her to have her feelings while staying as lovable as possible…  oh this could work out beautifully!

Let me know how it goes!

Shirelle

0 Should parents treat teenagers like adults or children?

Cheeky asks: I’m 19 and I have a boyfriend whom currently I’ve been having problems with when it comes to my mom. Mom is always on our nerves and doesn’t want us together so she is kinda trying to destroy our relationship. She doesn’t want to accept that I’m a grown-up now and that I have a say when it comes to anything that I do. She treats me as if I’m a 10-year-old and I don’t like that at all. I just want to live a normal life whereby they consider my opinion and choices too. What should I do to make Mom accept the fact that I really do love him and that I’m now grown up, because it’s really stressing me up?

Hi Cheeky –

Okay, I’m going to take BOTH sides of this one.  Sorry, but that’s what we dogs are like – we like everyone!

First of all, of course you’re right.  You have a relationship that’s just right for you right now, and your mom is trying to get in the way of it, treating you like a child.  She’s missing the fact that you need to grow in order to learn from experience.  I’ll guess she’s hoping you get married someday.  Well, wouldn’t she prefer you know some things about boys and yourself before you make that giant commitment?  Wouldn’t she want you to be more sophisticated than you were at age ten?

So yes, she should give you the space to have this relationship.

But Second… while you feel you’re fully grown, you’re still young.  Your brain will be developing for another five years or so.  You are at a glorious stage of life, full of passions and excitement, which can lead you into some not-so-great places.  And you will change over the next ten years.  Possibly a lot.

So where does that leave us?  I’d say that your mom is doing what she thinks is best, and her intentions are great, but she just Continue reading