0 What to do when your father is breaking up with your mother

AayuTheLegend asks: My life is going downhill because my parents are falling apart, and my father was at the point of hitting my mother, and no one is supporting her except for us her loving children, and she is saying they will divorce. Please help me.

Hi AayuTheLegend –

I don’t know how old you are, my friend, but your earlier letters show me that you’re clearly not a young child.  I have numerous posts on the AskShirelle site for kids going through this experience, which is one of the most awful things a child, or a dog, can go through. 

Yes I said a dog.  We are so sensitive to the energies in our homes, and are so deeply attached to our humans, that we simply can’t handle it when you guys fight each other; we don’t like it when you’re even angry – it feels like you’re angry at us!  So of course, a child is going to feel the same way.

But you’re not a dog, and you’re not a child.  You’re older, and still devastated by this.  Of course you are!  You still have that child inside you – and children’s brains still have the same core as us pooches’ ones!  This is so upsetting, so frustrating, so crushing. 

And you might also have another element here.  Just as I don’t know your age, I don’t know your religion.  To some people, divorce is just a sad reality; to others it’s an unpardonable sin that might mean one or both of your parents is condemning their soul to damnation! 

Now as a dog, I can’t comment on that one, but I sure understand that it would be terrifying!

So what can you do to help?  Sadly not much more than you are.

Giving your mother your love and support is the best thing you can do.  And your father might need some too, even if you disagree with him.

But there’s one thing you can do, that’s really scary, but might be great.  Are you old enough to remember when

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s ex pretends they’re still together

Awerpia asks: Although my girlfriend has been broken up with her ex for a year now, he still has numerous of her pictures with him posted on his Facebook account. She has made many efforts to convince him into deleting those pictures, but he has turned deaf ears. Even if we are to report him to Facebook for his account to be blocked, he has so many pictures of “both of them” that he can keep on posting on a different account. It’s very annoying and hurtful when I see those pictures or even just knowing that he posts them because it sends a false message to people as though they were still dating. Shirelle, I want the girl to be mine alone. I love her so much. What should I do? Should I just ignore it?

Hi Awerpia –

This is certainly one of the problems of social media.  Someday maybe there’ll be a way to fix it, but I don’t see any now.   I think you’re just stuck with it.

But imagine what it was like before Facebook and Instagram and all.  Would it bother you if your girlfriend’s ex had hard-copy photographs of them when they were a couple?  What if it were her ex-husband?

But in truth, even the photos aren’t the big issue, are they?  He has memories of her.  He has memories he can go back to any time he likes – even decades from now, if he’s married and has children, he will still be able to remember her from then.

The only solution to this is the old rule where people were paired up at birth.  Then there wouldn’t be any chance of this happening then!

But I don’t think you’d like that either.

What’s important is for you to own the fact that you have her NOW.  That he’s stuck posting old photos and pretending she’s still with him – imagine how painful that must be for him!  Knowing that she’s with you, laughing with you, kissing you!

What he does really doesn’t matter.  And it’ll stop the day he gets involved with someone new (who won’t tolerate him posting your girlfriend’s photo for one second!). 

What matters is that you have her.  And any attempts to mess with that just show how jealous he is.  So rub it in: go give her a big kiss from me right now!  Yeah, I mean my kind of kiss – a big lick on her nose!

That’ll show him!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s ex is hurting themselves to win them back

Quirkymesss asks: I was in relationship with a guy for a year and a half. I then came to know that he was already dating someone, and had been for three years. So his girlfriend found out about me one day and threatened me to stay away from that guy. But this guy comes again in my life and apologizes for everything, and says he wants a relationship with me too. I also can’t refuse to accept his proposal because I love him and he told me that he also loves me. And again his girlfriend found out everything (I know I wasn’t doing right thing but I can’t forget him), and still he came back to me. This actually happened three times and I am not a girl who is so strong or fights with people. But the girl threatened to come find me at my college, and I have to leave that guy because I don’t want any big issue. She says they’re committed to each other, but he was saying that she is blackmailing him by cutting her wrist (and he show me that too). And that she is not ready to leave him, and that he wanted to broke up with her, but he is not doing this because he’s afraid she’d do something to me if he did. So I just want to know how to solve this situation, in a way that nothing bad wouldn’t happen to any of us.

Hi Quirkymesss –

I have two very different answers for you.  One is how to deal with her, and the other is with him.

I’m feeling pretty bad for her.  He may say she’s blackmailing him, but it sounds to me like she’s an emotional mess (which is very different from being a Quirkymesss!).  If she really is threatening suicide, she needs some psychiatric help, and now!  She’s in great danger – and as you point out, you might be too.  Whether he stays with her or not, he needs to help her find someone who can help her deal with her fears and her pain.  Even if she was doing this just to manipulate him… would you  have cut your wrist to keep him?  Clearly not!  So I’m saying, she’s got issues and needs some help right away.

Okay, but now to the other question: Him.  I know you started the relationship not knowing about her, but he didn’t!  He knew perfectly well that he had been with another woman for a year and a half, and started dating you, not telling either of you about the other one. 

What does that say about him?

And even though she’s been manipulative, the fact that he kept you both around for another year and a half makes me worry a LOT about your relationship.  Let’s say he gets her some mental health, and is able to leave her, without her hurting herself or you.  Great.  But will you be able to trust him then?  What’s going to go through your mind when he’s away for a number of hours, or on a trip for his work?

And here’s my biggest question – has his behavior somewhat CAUSED her pain and craziness?

When I lived in the dog pound, I saw a lot of older dogs who were really messed up.  Chewing their paws till they bled, running in circles, all sorts of odd behaviors in their cages.  And I don’t think they were like that as puppies.  I think they were a lot like me originally.  But tough lives, and abuse and abandonment, and being locked up in pounds – all of those things sent them kind of mad.

So maybe this guy is great – but I’m not seeing it right now.  And I don’t want you turning into her! 

So while I’m very eager for her to get the help she needs, I also want to give you just a little nip on the ankle, to say “Hey Quirkymesss, be sure to notice this.  The hair on my back is up a little bit.”

With all my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your perfectionism makes you put yourself down

arjai101 asks: Rereading my letter to you made me realize I’m self-absorbed and vain. And, a lot of that whining was coming from a place of just hurt and pain. I guess there’s just been a whole lot of keeping it all inside. I honestly need to get my head screwed back on. Firstly, I’m trying to fix my relationship with food. I’m so tired of obsessing over what I eat and feeling hungry and tired and my workouts sucking. And then I indulge once, and I feel awful, and I go throw up. And, don’t come at me with the, “Do you know how unhealthy and dangerous that is? Don’t be stupid!” Believe me; I know; I know; I know. I know exactly what I’m doing to myself, read all the papers, and all the articles. And most of the time, I think I deserve it. I think I deserve every single second of it. Honestly, ever since I came out to my mom, it’s been downhill from there. Also, I finally stopped texting ex-marathon girl. I get that we’re friends. I know she’s a straight girl with a boyfriend. I’m not dumb and stupid. But, I feel like she has no real regard for me. And, I know I know I can’t blame anyone but myself. She owes me nothing. But, it just hurts so bad knowing I care so much more for her, more than she ever will for me. Then, there’s this guy who became a great friend to me, we’d talk about girls together – he knew exactly who and what I am – and still one night he made a clumsy stupid groping pass at me in his car. And when I pushed it away, he started making dumb excuses not to meet with me anymore. So I don’t know. I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking. And maybe, I deserve it all. Maybe, I deserve every little thing. Perhaps it’s all my fault. I mean, it really all is. I brought all of this on me. I brought that weird sinister dark look the passes over my mom’s face every time there’s a subtle reminder that I’m gay. I brought getting felt up by that guy. Everything. Everything has my name on it. Lately, I’ve been trying to channel it all into anger. But then, you’re still just reminded how you mean almost nothing to that beautiful girl. How, you were nothing but some conquest to that guy. How another friend I trusted is off living his best life with all of his friends and adventures and better things to do. How, your mom doesn’t want you to tell anyone what you are. And church. And family. And all of my other irrelevant unimportant issues because I’m an entitled brat. And I, I just exist in some vast void of boredom and nothingness hoping to grasp onto some rope and get the hell out, but realizing that maybe everyone must want me to stay in there or maybe they forgot about me, or maybe just learn to shut up and disappear better. And, can I really blame them? All I do is hurt people; I can’t even help it; I don’t even know I’m doing it. But, I know I do. I mean, I must be. I know I just need to wait it out. I’ll be at college, and it’ll be better. That’s what everyone keeps saying. But, what if it doesn’t? What if I don’t shine bright enough or my personality annoys everyone? And, it’s just me, desperate as hell. You know, I was watching this interpretive dance video done by Eugene Lee Yang. And, he goes through all these colors, each one representing a stage in his life. And finally, in the end, he gets to violet. He’s standing there in this stunning ensemble, all just crashing down around him. And, it looks like everyone doesn’t even know what the hell to do with him. But, he’s just standing there despite everything, with this look of determination, like “You can’t tell me a thing anymore.” And you know, I just was thinking…God I hope I get to violet. I really hope there is just light at the end of the tunnel and I make it there alive. You know, it’s not really my nature to fade away. But, I don’t know, these past few months I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Oh arjai101!!!!

Hasn’t anyone told you that it’s animal abuse to break a dog’s heart?!  And you SO break mine!

Nothing you’re telling me about your actual, objective, situations is all that rare.  A crush on a bland beautiful woman who can’t deal with your reality?  Half the guys I know have that same problem, not to mention the interesting ladies like you.  A young man who believes the nonsensical myths out there about how every lesbian is just dying to be “turned” by the right guy with the right moves?  Ridiculous and SO common.  And a mother who can’t accept her daughter being her full self, but won’t reject her either, just asks her to keep it all secret for “the neighbors’ sake?”  TIMELESS!

(Of course, the first two of those apply to us pooches as well!  Handsome’s had girlfriends I wanted SO BADLY to love me and just couldn’t win over; and while I’m not a lesbian, I was spayed early, so share your complete disinterest in males’ sexual desire for me.  If you haven’t read my story about that, go to AskShirelle.com and type in HarrietteS in the search box, and read my story about this fellow at a dog park who makes Albacore look like SUCH a gentleman!  But the situation with your mom – yeah that’s only humans.  And I’m awfully AWFULLY sorry about your having to go through that one)

And I’ll do what you ask and not get on your case about the eating issue.  But there’s another issue I am going to COMPLETEY get on your case about.  And that’s the way you spend this whole letter BEATING THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOURSELF!  And you know what I’m going to tell you about it?  You might recognize the words:

“Do you know how unhealthy and dangerous that is? Don’t be stupid!”

Arjai101, I’m going to trust that you’re able to healthily deal with your – yes, stupid – eating issues.  But this letter is SO FULL of self-loathing and blame…

MY FRIEND YOU ARE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG!  How would you be if I blamed myself for having been placed in the dog pound?!  You’d say I was crazy, right?  It’s not your fault a beautiful girl is straight (or boring), or that a guy is too horny for his own good, or that your mother is too concerned with social customs. 

Now is it true that you don’t fit in to a lot of situations?  Yeah, and I relate to that a LOT!  You’re ME!  And yes, that’ll be an issue as long as I live.  But I don’t blame myself – I really LIKE the way I am.  And when some people can’t handle that?  Well, that’s a difficulty for everyone concerned.  But I’m not changing who I am, or asking them to change who they are.  We’re all fine, just as we are.

But when you say that you’re lonely? 

Well yes.  I relate fully, and that situation STINKS.  And yes, I’m one more voice saying that I believe that’ll get better at college.  And then it’ll get better and better, the more you’re able to openly be yourself (which maybe you can’t while you’re living with your mom, which isn’t fair at all). 

But what I’m calling STUPID is your perfectionistic view that you’re somehow at fault for this.  That there’s something wrong with you.  THERE’S NOT!

But your letter reminded me of something.   Something I haven’t thought about in a while.  A few years ago, I helped to

0 What to do when a parent stops speaking to you

Naina asks: I just had a fight with my mom and now she is not talking to me what should I do now?

Hi Naina –

Now of course I don’t know you, or her, but I can’t help but guess that this is a very abnormal event in your home.  That her not talking to you is new, or at least rare.

And usually it’s the other way; usually parents are begging for their kids to talk with them, open up, stop being so secretive.  So my sense is that this argument really bothered her.  More than maybe any fight you’ve ever had before. 

I find that, when something like this happens, it’s really a chance for you to learn about the other person.  Something bothered them that badly.  What was it?  Why did this bother them more than other things (that might have seemed like bigger deals to you)?

When I was a puppy, I was a horrible chewer.  I chewed and bit everything around me.  And while Handsome, my human friend, would often get annoyed, it never went beyond that.  Until one day, when he was taking a shower, singing along with one of his favorite albums, a record that he’d had since childhood .  And came out to find the cover in a hundred pieces all over the floor, and me with the rest of it in my mouth.  He flew into a rage, picked me up, opened the back door, and threw me across the back yard!  (Before I even touched the ground, he suddenly felt horrible guilt, and has never totally forgiven himself, even though I came through it fine – landing as well as any cat!). 

So let me tell you, I’m not quite sure why an album cover has more meaning to him than, say, the leg of a table.  But I learned quickly that it does – and have never so much as sniffed another record ever since!

So, like that, something specific happened in this fight, that’s driving your mom nuts.  So your job is to find out what it is.  (Please tell me you didn’t chew up Abbey Road like I did!)

And once you do, or even if you have a good guess, then your (tough) job is to go to your mom and tell her.  “Hey Mom, I’ve been thinking a lot, and I realize it was really hurtful when I told you I’ve always hated your hair,” or “really hurtful when I said you’ve never been a good mother,” or “really hurtful when I said I want to move out.” 

And here’s the funny part.  You might be wrong.  You might think it was about her hair, when all she cared about was you saying you might move. 

But even if you are wrong, your effort will show her that you cared.  That you thought about it.  That you were anything but the thoughtless, inconsiderate, stinker she was feeling you were.  And that instead, you were the angel she’d fallen in love with the moment you were born, but maturing into a caring, trustworthy adult. 

(And it’ll be even better if you’re right!)

So give that a try.  And even if you’re no better a mind-reader than I am, you’re still very likely to win her heart – and her voice – back!

The Very Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone you like says you’re not attracted to them

Nsom asks: Hey, I really love this girl. But she says I’m not physically attracted to her. What should I do?

Hi Nsom –

This is one of the odder qualities of people, that I see every now and then.  

If I feel hungry, I feel hungry.  And anyone telling me I’m not is just silly.  And no one does that to us dogs.

But I see it all the time in humans:  “You’re angry.”  “You love her.”  Even “You’re cheating on me.”

And this one you’re hearing is equally goofy.  You know very well whether you’re attracted to this girl or not; and she clearly doesn’t know at all!

But perhaps there is one truth in here – maybe you could have let her know how attracted you are more.  Lots of guys don’t say things they’re feeling, like “Wow I love that dress on you” or “You have such beautiful eyes,” or “I think about your smile all day.”  

So perhaps, if you get another chance with her (or with another girl) you might work on that a bit more.

But once you’ve got that going, the next time she tells you what you’re feeling, or you’re not, feel free to tell her for me – That’s Goofy!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s ex wants them back

Awerpia asks: I love my girlfriend very much and I want to marry her But I am scared of what might happen if her ex-lover returns from the states. At the beginning of our relationship she had already broken up with the guy for some months, but it was difficult for her to totally cut ties from him because it was her first relationship. The guy forced her to bring him to me upon seeing our numerous calls and texts. And instead of talking about why he came to see me, he rather spoke of church issues realizing that we were from the same church. He texted me some months later just to introduce himself as her boyfriend though my girlfriend said they had broken up. I really don’t know how he got my number, and he wasn’t ready to tell me, so I blocked him. He then sent threatening messages to my girlfriend that it’s either he has her or no one else. They have broken up but he keeps telling her that if he returns from his journey and she is still single he would like to marry her. She loves me, no doubt about that. And I love her too. But my problem is when he visited me he came as a “friend.” Would I be a traitor by marrying the girl he’s dated for 3 years and wants to marry? Will I be safe marrying her? What if he tries harming me because it would look like I have taken his girlfriend from him, although that isn’t the case?

Hi Awerpia –

Wow, what a situation!  This is an amazing letter!

But I want you to try to ignore about 95% of it.  And just focus on one question:  What would you do if someone tried to force the woman you love into marrying them against her will?  No matter who he is, no matter their past.  What would you do? 

Would you sit back and say “Okay, no problem?”  Would you buy a big dog and a big gun and attack him?  Or would you just calmly say “No, that’s not going to happen?”  And then make sure it doesn’t.

I’m betting the last one. 

I don’t know what’s going on in this guy’s head, but your girlfriend, his ex, is a real person, with her own opinions and wishes.  And just because he wants to marry her, that doesn’t mean she has to say yes.  And the fact that they dated for three years is the whole point – they dated, they didn’t marry.  That means she never committed to him!  So she owes him NOTHING!

Now if this guy continues to threaten you or her, you might consider getting a police restraining order against him, so he has to stay away from you two.  But for now, my guess is that he’s just full of bluster, like a yappy dog who barks all the time but runs away whenever anyone comes close to them.  His ego’s hurt, but he’ll be okay, and move on eventually.

But again, fundamentally, all these other things aren’t what matters.  Someone wants to have their way with your girlfriend.  Support her, and say no. 

And the fact that the best way of supporting her, and saying no, is to keep on in this delightful relationship with the woman you love – well that’s just delicious!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you don’t know what your boyfriend or girlfriend wants from the relationship

Unemo asks: There’s this friend of mine. He liked me a few years back during high school but nothing happened and we lost contact after school. Two years back he got back into my contact. He initiated this friendship. We talked very occasionally. He used to call first. Recently we started to meet. After the third meet things changed between us. Things happened, but nothing extreme, and now I might have developed some feelings for him, I’m not sure though. Whenever I talk to him about dating, he never really says ANYTHING. Ever since we met after that third meeting, we have been getting more intimate, he has gotten more confident with his approaches. He’s never made me feel as if there was something special between us or if I was special. Once his friend video-called while we were together, and he asked me to hide my face and, hinting towards me, he told his friend that he was “busy” (we haven’t told anything to anyone). The thing is both of us have neither dated nor ever been in any sort of intimate relationship. And the video call act got me wondering if he ever really considered me even a friend, or was I just a potential intimate partner. I’m so confused. Really confused. How am I supposed to handle him? What am I supposed to do in this “friendship”?

Hi Unemo –

This is where humans make things so much more complex than they need to be.  If I want to know how someone feels about me, I jump onto them and lick their face.  If they like me, they’ll give me a hug, and if they don’t, they’ll push me away.  It works perfectly every time.

Now I get asked lots of times about how to find out if someone likes someone, but that’s usually someone more distant, like a classmate at school.  This guy is hanging out with you, talking intimately, sharing secrets.  He likes you!

What you don’t know is what he wants.  He might hope to marry you and have children and grandchildren with you.  And he might only want to be your best friend.  And for all I know, he might want to date your brother!

But it’s clear that he’s not saying, at least not yet.  So your job is to do what women have had to do with quiet guys for millennia – ask him!

Now you can do that a few different ways.  You could flirtatiously ask him how he looks at you, what he thinks of you, etc.  You could directly ask him, “Just what sort of relationship do you want with me?” (not very romantic).  Or you could ask him if he’s looking for a girlfriend and, if so, what sort of girl he’s looking for.  Or you could simply tell him you’re interested in him.  Or you could do my technique and just kiss him and see what happens.

Only you know what would feel right to you.  And you know him well enough to probably have an idea of what might be right or wrong with him.

But the one thing I know is wrong is to keep things the way they are, with you confused and frustrated.

And it looks like you’re the only one who’s going to change that.  So ask something, or do something.  Anything.

And whatever it is, and however he reacts, you’ll feel better afterwards than in this goofy situation!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone lies about you and your boyfriend or girlfriend believes them

Grv1011 asks: I am in a relationship with my love S. We both love each other and we want to marry, but her family is against me and my family. Let me explain in short but full story: 3 years of relationship; I had a friend in college, she and I were very frank, we even used bad words but just in a friendly way; My girl S read our messages and thought I’d cheated her, but she still loved me and stayed with me; after 2.5 year’s another friend of mine – she likes me and she was also my best friend – said she loved me a lot one day. Then she came to my city and asked me to meet. I was alone at home and refused. She kept requesting, and I accepted and ask her to come near to my home. But when i saw she was waiting outside my home with her elder sister (17) I got scared because my love S’s home is in front of my home. I thought her parents may have seen us and felt negative for me. I called her and asked her to come inside or go away; she came inside, stayed for a couple of minutes, and looked at my home – expect my room! One day I decided not to talk to her because I felt bad that my love may think or feel wrong. Then she called my girlfriend and lied to her that we had sex many times, in my room. But when I asked her about my room (conference call) she wasn’t able to describe it, since she never saw it. But then S believed her, and felt bad about our relationship. She stayed with me, but we fought daily. Then one day S’s cousin and his family told her parents about me and warned them to control S. Now they call her daily, blame her, and say she can’t marry me, because there’s no guarantee I won’t leave her, that they’d die first. So she’s frustrated, arguing with me all the time, and even talking about breaking up, and I’m afraid of losing her. Now please tell me, we both want to marry each other but these daily fights wear me down. Please reply with the solution. I want see her happy as we were.

Hi Grv1011 –

Wow, this is a crazy situation!  And there are lots of other elements here (such as family issues), but biggest of all is definitely the lie this other girl told your girlfriend.

And I can only come up with one solution to that one – you need to get the two of them into the same room at the same time.  NOT YOUR BEDROOM!

And I say that for two reasons – first, because asking them into your bedroom might look like you had something very different in mind!

But secondly, because for some reason, the fact that this girl couldn’t say what your bedroom looks like didn’t get through to your girlfriend.  And you need to make it clear.

Now if you can do this, if you can prove to your girlfriend that it was this other girl who lied and not you, that will help a lot.

But I want you to do something else then, as well.  You see, you were so worried about how things would look that you acted suspiciously.  There’s nothing wrong with meeting up with a friend outdoors in front of your home, so why would you worry so much about it?  If you hadn’t worried, if you’d just let it happen, then this girl might not have gotten in your front door, and it would be easier to prove things!  And even more so, if your girlfriend and her family had seen you calmly talking to this girl, as though nothing was wrong (which is true), maybe they wouldn’t have gotten so suspicious.

So find a way to get that girl and your girlfriend together, to clear this issue up!  And then, try to learn to relax more. 

After all, being innocent ought to feel good, right?!

And then we can start to work on this whole family thing!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Can one love dogs too much?

Aunii asks: It is not about me. I want to ask about you. Do you like Dogs too much? Because you have pictured dogs all over your webpage.

Hi Aunii –

         Do I like dogs too much?

         Is it possible to like dogs too much?!

         I don’t think so!  I don’t think it’s possible to love dogs ENOUGH! We are the most fun, loving, great-smelling, cuddly, protective, playful, funny… did I say loving?!  We’re just the best!

         Except that I love people even more!  At least some people.  Like especially my special human, the one I call Handsome.  Oh and I love my Pack Members – it’s like you guys are my family!

         And I know I can’t love Handsome or you guys enough!  That’s impossible!

         But I think you’re a little confused about something else.  Those pictures on the website, those aren’t just random dogs.  Those are ME!  Me at home, me with your letters, me with other dogs, me contemplating the world… 

         So if you’re asking if I love dogs too much, maybe a fairer question would be whether I love myself too much!  After all, I’ve put all those pictures up.

         But I don’t think so. I just want you guys to see what I look like, and how I smile at you.

         But does Handsome love me too much?!  If anyone ever loved anything to excess, that might be it.  What’s that Shakespeare line about loving not too wisely but too well? Handsome would argue he loves me very wisely and very well.  As well as is possible.

         And I sure hope you find someone, or many, in your life you can love too well too!  It’s the best way to live!

         Thanks again!

         Shirelle