What to do when you don’t know what your boyfriend or girlfriend wants from the relationship

Unemo asks: There’s this friend of mine. He liked me a few years back during high school but nothing happened and we lost contact after school. Two years back he got back into my contact. He initiated this friendship. We talked very occasionally. He used to call first. Recently we started to meet. After the third meet things changed between us. Things happened, but nothing extreme, and now I might have developed some feelings for him, I’m not sure though. Whenever I talk to him about dating, he never really says ANYTHING. Ever since we met after that third meeting, we have been getting more intimate, he has gotten more confident with his approaches. He’s never made me feel as if there was something special between us or if I was special. Once his friend video-called while we were together, and he asked me to hide my face and, hinting towards me, he told his friend that he was “busy” (we haven’t told anything to anyone). The thing is both of us have neither dated nor ever been in any sort of intimate relationship. And the video call act got me wondering if he ever really considered me even a friend, or was I just a potential intimate partner. I’m so confused. Really confused. How am I supposed to handle him? What am I supposed to do in this “friendship”?

Hi Unemo –

This is where humans make things so much more complex than they need to be.  If I want to know how someone feels about me, I jump onto them and lick their face.  If they like me, they’ll give me a hug, and if they don’t, they’ll push me away.  It works perfectly every time.

Now I get asked lots of times about how to find out if someone likes someone, but that’s usually someone more distant, like a classmate at school.  This guy is hanging out with you, talking intimately, sharing secrets.  He likes you!

What you don’t know is what he wants.  He might hope to marry you and have children and grandchildren with you.  And he might only want to be your best friend.  And for all I know, he might want to date your brother!

But it’s clear that he’s not saying, at least not yet.  So your job is to do what women have had to do with quiet guys for millennia – ask him!

Now you can do that a few different ways.  You could flirtatiously ask him how he looks at you, what he thinks of you, etc.  You could directly ask him, “Just what sort of relationship do you want with me?” (not very romantic).  Or you could ask him if he’s looking for a girlfriend and, if so, what sort of girl he’s looking for.  Or you could simply tell him you’re interested in him.  Or you could do my technique and just kiss him and see what happens.

Only you know what would feel right to you.  And you know him well enough to probably have an idea of what might be right or wrong with him.

But the one thing I know is wrong is to keep things the way they are, with you confused and frustrated.

And it looks like you’re the only one who’s going to change that.  So ask something, or do something.  Anything.

And whatever it is, and however he reacts, you’ll feel better afterwards than in this goofy situation!

Best of Luck!


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