What to do when your girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s ex wants them back

Awerpia asks: I love my girlfriend very much and I want to marry her But I am scared of what might happen if her ex-lover returns from the states. At the beginning of our relationship she had already broken up with the guy for some months, but it was difficult for her to totally cut ties from him because it was her first relationship. The guy forced her to bring him to me upon seeing our numerous calls and texts. And instead of talking about why he came to see me, he rather spoke of church issues realizing that we were from the same church. He texted me some months later just to introduce himself as her boyfriend though my girlfriend said they had broken up. I really don’t know how he got my number, and he wasn’t ready to tell me, so I blocked him. He then sent threatening messages to my girlfriend that it’s either he has her or no one else. They have broken up but he keeps telling her that if he returns from his journey and she is still single he would like to marry her. She loves me, no doubt about that. And I love her too. But my problem is when he visited me he came as a “friend.” Would I be a traitor by marrying the girl he’s dated for 3 years and wants to marry? Will I be safe marrying her? What if he tries harming me because it would look like I have taken his girlfriend from him, although that isn’t the case?

Hi Awerpia –

Wow, what a situation!  This is an amazing letter!

But I want you to try to ignore about 95% of it.  And just focus on one question:  What would you do if someone tried to force the woman you love into marrying them against her will?  No matter who he is, no matter their past.  What would you do? 

Would you sit back and say “Okay, no problem?”  Would you buy a big dog and a big gun and attack him?  Or would you just calmly say “No, that’s not going to happen?”  And then make sure it doesn’t.

I’m betting the last one. 

I don’t know what’s going on in this guy’s head, but your girlfriend, his ex, is a real person, with her own opinions and wishes.  And just because he wants to marry her, that doesn’t mean she has to say yes.  And the fact that they dated for three years is the whole point – they dated, they didn’t marry.  That means she never committed to him!  So she owes him NOTHING!

Now if this guy continues to threaten you or her, you might consider getting a police restraining order against him, so he has to stay away from you two.  But for now, my guess is that he’s just full of bluster, like a yappy dog who barks all the time but runs away whenever anyone comes close to them.  His ego’s hurt, but he’ll be okay, and move on eventually.

But again, fundamentally, all these other things aren’t what matters.  Someone wants to have their way with your girlfriend.  Support her, and say no. 

And the fact that the best way of supporting her, and saying no, is to keep on in this delightful relationship with the woman you love – well that’s just delicious!



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