6 What to do when you have your first period.

Breanna asks: I’m 9 and I have had my first period, and I don’t know what to do.

Hi Breanna –

Well I think the first thing to say is Congratulations.  (I never went through one; I had an operation when I was six months old that kept me from having puppies or developing in the way you have, so I’m impressed!)  This is a big event for a young girl, and it’s totally normal for it to be a little scary.  So I’m really glad you wrote me about it.

But the first thing to know is – there is absolutely nothing to be scared about!  This is part of growing up, and while people don’t talk about it a lot in public, it’s absolutely normal.

The second thing, though, is that, because this is so important, it’s absolutely necessary that you talk to an adult about it.  Do you have a good relationship with your mother or another female caregiver, so that you could tell her?  Or maybe a teacher or nurse at school?  That’d be the best first thing to do.  Then, you should definitely see a doctor, just to make sure everything is working as it should.

But once you’ve done those, you’re basically in the clear.  Of course you’ll have to deal with it every month, but that’s just like nearly every other woman.  Wait, what’s that word I just said?  Yes: What’s big and exciting is that this is really the beginning of you becoming a woman!

So what’s important, just as important as getting checked out by a doctor, is that you begin to deal with what becoming a woman means.  Your body will have lots of other changes soon, and you’ll get looked at in different ways.  So it’s your job to do two things from now on:  To hold on to what makes you a great kid, and to start to think about the sort of woman you want to become.

This is your experience, Breanna.  And while it makes sense that you don’t want to go around talking about it with everyone, it really does make you part of the world community.  So be proud and enjoy it.
But please, please, do talk to some adults and see a doctor.  Just to make sure you’re okay!

Thanks, and again, Congratulations!

0 How to make sure your daughter behaves on her prom night.

Pearly asks: How do I ensure my teenage daughter doesn’t misbehave on prom night?

Hi Pearly –

Well, the easy and awful answer is: You can’t.  But the news isn’t as bad as that sounds.

My point is that your daughter is the person she is, the person you’ve raised.  By the time one is ready for a prom, boy or girl, they’ve developed a moral code, and have a sense of themselves.  Now in your mind, she’ll always be your baby girl, irresponsible and unable to take care of herself.  But imagine you just met her this year.  What opinion would you have of her then?  Is she a complete troublemaker?  Does she care about others?  Does she eat, drink, sniff, or smoke all sort of illegal things?  Does she respect herself and have some boundaries when she’s around her peers?

Well, the fact is, Prom Night does seem important (Handsome says he has lovely memories of his), but the truth is – it’s just another night.  She won’t be a different person that night than she was the night before, or the night after.  Now does that mean she might not want to do some things she hasn’t done before?  No it doesn’t.

And that’s where you come in.

Sometime before Prom night, get some time alone with her.  I don’t mean to walk into her room and interrupt a phone call to lecture her – I mean take her out to lunch or dinner, somewhere she loves.  Just the two of you.  And tell her how proud you are of what she’s accomplished in her life.  And ask her if there’s anything she wants to ask you about your prom night (if she doesn’t ask, that’s fine, it might be more than she wants to know just now).  And tell her, most importantly, that it will be a beautiful night for her no matter what, that she’ll look great, and have a lot of fun.  And that she’s in charge of what she does, or doesn’t do.  And that anything she doesn’t want to do, she’ll be able to do at another time.

And if you want to be really great, you can also throw an offer her way: that if she’s in a situation at any time when she’s uncomfortable, that she can call you and you’ll come right out to her.  It’s not impossible that she could be with kids who are drinking and driving, or some other activity that scares her, and it’d be great for her to know you’re there.

But my main message to you is, just as I was the same dog before and after I graduated from Obedience School, your daughter is your daughter.  There’s still lots you can teach her and help her with, but if she’s a good person today, she’ll be a good person that night.

And truly, the best message you can give her is that you’re proud of all she’s done.  That’ll do more to keep her “in line” than any negative warnings you could ever say!

Here’s a wish: that she and her date both spend the evening proud that she’s the most beautiful creature alive!

Your Friend,

Shirelle

2 How can you mend a broken heart, and know if you love someone?

Sara asks: There is a guy who told me that he loves me. At first I didn’t care, but really I’m caring now. I’m sure that he really loves me, and he asked me for my response, but I couldn’t tell him that I almost feel that I love him. I feel that something is preventing me from saying it. I don’t know why. In the past, I loved a guy and he didn’t care. That guy I loved broke my heart, and it took me years to forget him, but now another guy has appeared in my life. I’m afraid of having a broken heart again, so I avoid him. I don’t know what I can do. What do you think? Do you think I really love him?

Well Sara, a lot of people have been in your situation.  There are some great songs about it.  A couple of very sweet sad ones come to my mind.  Have you ever heard “The First Cut is the Deepest,” which describes what you’re probably feeling?  Or “Cold Cold Heart,” which I imagine describes what this new guy is feeling about you?

The thing that’s “preventing” you from loving him is clearly Fear.  When someone has broken your heart, of course it’s scary to let someone else in.  But the truth is, letting yourself fall in love again is the best way to get over that other guy.  Letting yourself know that his not-being-interested-in-you didn’t mean that you’re not lovable, just that you weren’t his type.  Hey as I say on here so often, some people like miniature poodles, some like pit bulls, and some even like Continue reading

2 How to tell if your dog is really sick, or just sad.

avrilox26 asks: I’ve got 2 dogs, an Alaskan Malamute (3 years old) and a half breed one (1 year old), both females. My youngest dog was hit by a car 3 weeks ago; he was lucky, because he just broke his leg (even this is sad too). Before this accident, both my dogs were friends, and they are still, but my youngest dog can’t play now, because he had surgery. The problem is that my biggest dog is not eating much, just a little, and I’m starting to be worried… I think that she’s sad, but why? I’m playing with her, I’m staying with her, I’m feeding her, I’m going out with her (which makes her happy while we’re out). I’m trying to make time and stay with her as much as I can! I just wanted to ask you first and not go to the vet for this, because she’s active and otherwise seems fine. The food that we’re taking her is not the same everyday, so I don’t think this is because of the food. And she doesn’t have anyone else to miss… And she stays near her food, careful to not let the other dog take it, but then she just doesn’t eat it. Is this because of the accident? And how can I make her be happy?

Hi Avrilox 26 –

Thanks.  This is a great question.  And I can give you a “possible” answer.  But of course, I’m not a veterinarian, and am not able to even see your dog.

The truth is that it’s possible that your older dog is simply responding to your younger dog’s injury.  Dogs are (if I do say so myself) absolutely amazing at this.  Handsome once had hernia surgery, and for the entire time of his healing, I slept by him 22 hours a day, and usually lay against the wound.  Dogs are very empathetic (which means we feel what others are feeling), and we will “take on” the symptoms of those closest to us.  So it’s extremely likely that your older dog could lose his appetite because of the younger dog’s injury.

However, I really want to stress – it’s also possible that this is only a coincidence.  That your older dog is ill and that only just happens to be at the same time as the younger dog’s injury.  So I’d say, if this eating problem has gone on more than a few days, I’d recommend taking him to the vet, just to be looked at.  Hopefully nothing’s wrong (he’s just a very loving animal!), but just in case, you want to be sure.

Good Luck!  And I’m so happy your younger one survived the car accident!  Those are Scary!

Your Friend,

Shirelle

0 How to have a relationship that doesn’t include intimacy or sex.

Nana asks: I would like to know how we could maintain a healthy friendship devoid of any form of intimacy which could lead to sex.

Hi Nana –

I wish I knew who you meant by “we,” because there are a few different answers to your question.

First, if you’re talking about you and one special person, with whom you’d like to have a friendship without sex (the big word for a relationship like that is “Platonic”), the answer is… just do it!  If it’s what both of you want, you’ll be able to do it easily (It’s really easy to not have sex; I do it all the Continue reading

1 How to be romantic

Shrek asks: How can I be romantic to my girlfriend?

Hi Shrek –

Well, first I’d have you look at my answer to ChrisFoxx’s question about who is more romantic, women or men (you can find it in the category of Relationships).

As I explain there, it really depends on the girlfriend.  If you can find out what she likes, that’ll be the best way.  Maybe you can ask some friends of hers what she’s told them, or perhaps you can just listen really closely to see if she drops any hints.

But here are a few Continue reading

4 Do mothers love their children when they do wrong things.

Ashram asks: Do mothers love their children even if they do wrong things?

Oh Ashram, I can only imagine the responses mothers must be screaming when they read your question! But the answer is pretty simple, really.

There are different kinds of love we feel. You can love some things about someone and hate or fear other things about them at the same time. You can get so mad at someone that you don’t even like them at all, but still love Continue reading

1 What to do when you’re feeling suicidal.

Krishna asks: I have issues with my family and friends. I have been thinking about suicide. It’s been a while; the feeling gets stronger every passing day. What to do? I depend on people emotionally, but now its like all went away from me. I can’t find any answers to my questions and feelings, and I have no interest in life. Can you help?

Hi Krishna –

Krishna, I am so glad you chose to write me. I am honored. There’s a lot I could say here, but what you’re saying is so important and frightening, I want to cut straight to one simple issue: Safety.

First: I know you feel very alone. But I can promise you, with absolutely no question: you are not. Almost every person in the world has felt the way you Continue reading

0 Whether Men or Women are more romantic.

Chrisfoxx asks: Between men and women, who is the most romantic?

Chrisfoxx, I don’t know if you realize this, but this is TOTALLY a trick question! Romantic-ness is absolutely in the “eye of the beholder.” So what seems romantic to one person is the complete opposite for another.

There are people who think it’s romantic to get flowers. Other people who say “that’s so Continue reading

2 How shy people can approach their crushes

Harshita asks: I am really a nervous girl. I am feeling shy to ask even this question! If I love a guy, how will he know whether I love him or we are just friends?

Hi Harshita –

Well, first, I’d direct your attention to Sweetparker’s question about her confusion over two guys (it’s listed in Previous Questions, under Growing Up, Life Skills, Relationships, and School). I talk with her about ways to try to find out what a boy thinks of you.

But I want to throw a couple of other thoughts at you as well. First, know that there’s nothing wrong with being nervous and shy. Most boys think it’s really Continue reading