Category Archives for "Teens"

0 Should you worry when your boyfriend or girlfriend gets friendly with their ex

My pack asks: I have been in a long distance relation with a guy for 2 years. We have a very healthy relationship. So, my problem is a girl. She is a part of the group of friends he also belongs to. They had a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship before I entered into his life. When our relation was new, they both again came close and I caught some messages on his phone and he confessed to me he kissed her. After this incident, they broke their friendship but since they both are a part of the same group they met in groups. My boyfriend and I broke up the past month for a few days and in that span of time they again became friends. I am insecure now. What should I do?

Hi My pack –

So I’ll admit I have a bias here – I tend not to like long-distance relationships, for just these reasons.  First, because it’s so hard for young people to remain faithful to someone they hardly ever see, and second, because it’s just about impossible to trust someone who’s so far away, and has other people around.

My friend, of course I have no idea what your boyfriend did or didn’t do with that girl, while you two were broken up.  But the fact that you two were broken up makes me question your statement that “we have a very healthy relationship.”

So here are my questions to you:  Will this Continue reading

0 How to set physical boundaries in a relationship

Spiky 401 asks: I just got into college, and immediately met this dude. It’s almost a month now, we started talked for sometime and decided to exchange numbers and see each other, but we didn’t because I had to visit my aunt at her house. After I got back to school we finally met and went out to a park. Nothing happened there, we went back to school, but not straight to the hostel, we strolled around the school and sat down in a quiet area. We talked about some things like family, entrepreneurship, school (he’d just graduated out of the same school). Then he asked me if I had dated before, I told him yes and that I would never like anyone the way I liked my ex. He asked me to tell him about my ex, which I did, and he promised to make me forget about him. From there he held my hand, stood up, and made me stand up. He hugged me real tight. It was shocking but comforting. From there, he picked me up from the ground – right that moment I thought he was gonna attack me but he didn’t, he dropped me and then he started to kiss me, I mean I have never kissed or hugged a dude but here he was kissing me. Every time I tried to pull away he stopped and hugged me until I got used to his lips on mine. I barely know the guy and I don’t feel that connection I had with my ex. But after the kiss I kept on recalling it and wanting to see him more. Please what do you advise I do, to be on the safe side without losing my innocence?

Hi Spiky 401 –

Well, my quick answer is that I want you to get a little more spiky, Spiky!

But here’s my long one.  First, I want you to go to AskShirelle.com, and search for a question asked by HarrietteS, and read it and my answer.

Have you read it?

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Have you read it all?

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Okay, Spiky 401, so your situation with this guy wasn’t exactly the same as mine with the bulldog.  But it’s actually close enough, in one regard: Both guys came from the belief that they could overpower us females into wanting what we said we didn’t want.  And this is SOOOOO WRONG!  I’m sure you’ve heard about the whole #MeToo movement going on; and while this guy only was kissing you and luckily not doing more, you are now a #MeToo-er, because he forced you into something you didn’t want!  I’m not saying to call the cops – he didn’t take it too far, thank goodness.  But he still took it farther than you wanted – and you were being very clear about your feelings.

Now it’s funny, when I started reading your letter, I thought I’d be getting onto your case about saying, or even believing, that you’d never again feel what you felt for your ex.  I think there’s a really great chance that you will feel as much, or even more, for someone someday.  But here’s the stupid thing about this new guy – he totally blew his chances of getting to be that someone!  Can you trust him now?  Are you going to let yourself feel things you can’t even imagine feeling, for him?  I really doubt it!  So by trying to be “super manly” and overpower your feelings, he just lost the chance to really win your love!  (At least most likely)

Now I realize you’re saying that you eventually liked the kissing, and it reminded you of your ex.  And that’s really nice.

So here’s what you’ve learned – you found out that you CAN feel that for someone else.  But do you really want it to be this guy?

And what this all leads up to is this advice:  I would be very happy if you Continue reading

0 Should you have casual sex with someone you’re hoping to create a deeper relationship with

Shin asks: I was approached by a 14-year-old, ‘x’, for sex. I’m 23, I have never done it in my life, it is very tempting, I wish to marry x someday, but I can’t say for sure because in our community parents decide our marriages. Should I do it now or should I wait it out? I’m very tempted and losing my confidence to say no every time I think about this. I haven’t done anything or responded to it, but I have let x know I like x very much . I’m torn apart by temptation and fear of losing and doing something bad to x. Don’t want to hurt x but want x in my life in a carnal way. I thought I had this but I’m starting to feel depressed about my love life which is practically zero, which makes this more tempting. Can’t seem to shake off the idea. X asked me whom I’ll marry and I said are you interested and x just shied away. We haven’t had an opportunity to talk alone since, but I’m scared if I do anything to her it might ruin both our lives. Please help.

Hi Shin –

This is a very tough situation, I understand.  You haven’t had the experiences you’ve wanted, and now you’re being offered something that seems wonderful, by someone who’s willing.  How could I possibly suggest you say no?

But I’m going to.  And really only for one reason.

Of course, I have no idea why x wants to have sex so young.  It’s normal for a human to have urges by age 14, but I find them usually to be a bit scared of the concept.  And why is she interested in a man almost twice her age for this?

My concern is about her.  I wonder if she’s worried that there’s something about her that’s not going to get married (maybe something’s happened to her before), so she’s not valuing her status in your community, the way most girls would.

You see, you might be the best thing that’s ever happened to her.  By being a good guy, who actually wants her in a serious way, you might be different from everyone else around her.  And I fear that giving in to what she’s asking might mess that all up.  (In a lot of places, it would also be illegal, and potentially get you locked up in jail for a while, and maybe labeled a Sexual Predator for the rest of your life – and you are SO much better than that!).

So my suggestion would be to Continue reading

0 What to do when someone great gives you mixed signals on what they want

Pennelope0214 asks: The wonderful guy I wrote you about, who’s helped me move past those awful experiences, is acting strange now. He is behaving like “just a friend,” he won’t even sit beside me but in front of me instead. He won’t even hold my hand, and when I do he’ll leave it soon. Another moment he’ll make me listen to a love song and won’t hang up the phone until I am done and talk to me about the worst incident of his life when asked. I want to but cannot leave him since he made me promise to stay while I am dying to see him this way. Another girl who kind of had a crush on him is talking about me, which made me uncomfortable since there is nothing going on the way she says. I think a lot and when I heard her say that I was like this is the last thing I want after my incident but still dropped it since what mattered to me was him. I remember saying that after what happened, I cannot even think of being in a relationship. We both confessed we like each other. The whole time he’ll seem as if he is thinking something. In the end he kissed me. Now, he is making me listen to that song and won’t hold hands, he’ll be caring and listen to all my problems but behave strange sometimes. It all feels as if there was one thing which made me happy and now it is driving away from me. My life is so messed up right now.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

The most important line in your letter, to me, and the one I agree with the most, is the last one.  Yes, after all you went through with that ex, your life IS messed up right now – most importantly in your views on relationships.  You want one and you don’t – and that makes tons of sense, given what you’ve been through – but it means nothing can possibly feel right.  At least not right now.

And that’s the way it’ll be for a little while.  I hope not too long, but for a bit.  So I want you to do what we dogs are great at: Continue reading

0 When to start letting a child play by themselves

Manushi asks: My son is 11 months old. Is it ok if I let him play by himself? I mean I am there monitoring him, but I do my work, like household chores or watching TV or mobile, and I only step in if he is about to fall or something. Should I sit by his side when he is playing and play with him, or constantly attend him? My husband always sits with him when he is playing and teaches him stuff like “where’s the fan, where’s the light,” etc. I have a baby sitter for him for sometimes and even she does the same as my husband. I am confused as to what is the right thing to do? To attend him all the time and keep teaching him. or to let him be by himself and have his me time.

Hi Manushi –

As a dog, and especially as a dog who was spayed when I was six months old, I am absolutely unqualified to talk about the details of mothering a human baby.

But I think your question is so specific that NO ONE is really qualified to answer it.

And by that I mean that, on one hand, yes it’s great to give a child independence and let them play by themselves, and yet of course you’d never forgive yourself if something really bad happened to that kid when you weren’t watching.

But the main reason I don’t feel qualified is that I don’t know your son.  Kids develop at enormously different rates; some children are already talking and walking by eleven months, and others won’t get to those for a year.  Some children are very calm and focused, so you could leave one with a toy and assume he’ll play with it for a few minutes, and others are enormously energetic, destructive, and aren’t satisfied until everything in the room has been in their mouth (which completely describes the first two years of my life!).

My best suggestion is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you start feeling more than friendship for a friend

Dhruv asks: My female friend can’t live without talking with me, and she’s not in a relationship (she was but went through a breakup). We used to call each other brother and sister, but my feelings towards her changed and I like her now. I’m so confused what to do? Please suggest something because all I came up with was to leave her and never look at her again.

Hi Dhruv –

Oh this is SUCH a difficult situation for you humans!  For us dogs, it’s easy – we just run up and jump on whoever we like, and if they don’t want us to, they push us away and we go do something else.

But for you, there’s so much fear involved.

Still, however, I think you only have one choice.  (Well, you could do what you’re saying, leave her and never speak to her, but I hate that!).

Here’s the important part.  You know she adores you.  Maybe she considers you a brother (and maybe she doesn’t), but even that’s a pretty special relationship.

In fact, think of it this way.  If your sister (I mean real, daughter-of-your-parents sister) developed feelings for you, wouldn’t you rather she told you, instead of running away?

So my advice is to Continue reading

0 Ways to get through grieving a lost love

LittleGirlBigAppetite asks: I broke up with my boyfriend three months ago. The reason for the break up was that I found out through a mutual friend that he had updated his Tinder profile with new pictures. I felt betrayed. We had met on Tinder too but I had deleted the app when things started getting serious between us. Tbh, he was the first guy with whom I had a normal and real relationship. There was no pretense. We would tell each other anything and everything. I got really attached to him in the 6 months that we went out. But when I confronted him about the Tinder thing, he said that he was still using the app just for making new friends (which I know is a pathetic excuse). He also said that as I was still using the app (deleting the app does not removes your profile), he thought I would be ok with him using it. This hurt me even more and I told him to never message or see me again. But the thing is that it’s been 3 months and I still can’t get over him. I feel as if I lost the one guy with whom I was totally comfortable. I miss him every single day and cry myself to sleep thinking that he must now be having fun with someone else. What hurts even more is the thought that he’d been lying to me the whole time we were together. He has tried making small talk with me a few times over text but I ignored him. I really wanna know what I should do to forget him and move on once and for all. Please help!

Hi LittleGirlBigAppetite –

I get questions all the time about how to deal with someone cheating, and you’ve done just what I suggest.  I can forgive a cheater, but someone who cheats, then lies, and then puts the blame on the other … I’m all for walking away with your tail up in the air and never looking back.

But you’re suffering, and I hate that.

Getting over an ex is really hard.  I’ve never had to do it (my only connection as strong as you had with him is with Handsome, a relationship I know will last far beyond this lifetime), but I’ve sure seen it.  I’ve seen Handsome go through it, I’ve seen his friends go through it, and wow have my sensitive ears heard a zillion songs about it!

So overall, I have two big awful truths for you.  First, that you will get over him someday, even though part of you won’t want to, because so much about him was wonderful.  And second, that Continue reading

0 How to deal with being rejected in a one-sided situation

Wolfpack asks: I am in a one-sided situation, but this is happening in a way that everything around me makes me feel like i should talk to her. (I have already confessed my feeling, but i have not been speaking to her much often since then), she has said she does not wants to be in a relationship with me. Help me!!

Hi Wolfpack –

If I’m understanding you right, you told a girl your feelings for her, and she said she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, and now you’re wondering what to do.

The answer is simple: you should take care of yourself, in whatever way works best for you.

Lots of humans get a big container of chocolate ice cream, and eat the whole thing in one night.  Do they feel kind of crummy the next morning?  Sure, but for some reason, doing that helps them move forward.  Maybe you’re more the sort to go out with friends and talk about it, or write a song, or just beat your head against a wall.

Whatever it is, she’s been honest, and that’s a good quality.  And your only job is to do what you have to, so you can move forward, and not get stuck in the pain of that rejection.

We dogs, when we’re feeling that bad, might just go outside and howl up at the sky.  And when we do, we’ll often inspire other dogs to howl along with us, all over the neighborhood.  This is the single best thing I know of, since it makes us feel so connected with others (instead of all alone, the way rejection usually does).

But again, you know yourself better than I do.  Give her the space she wants, take care of yourself, move forward, and who knows – maybe you’ll meet someone better tomorrow, or maybe she’ll even change her mind.  But regardless, you want to be in a strong, happy, confident place yourself.  Which sadly is the exact opposite of where you are now.

And remember, the best thing you can do in life is to love.  So even if it hurts right now, the fact is, you have loved.  And that makes you, and your life, wonderful.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to tell if a new romance is a liar or tells the truth

Wazenga asks: Hi, I met this guy on a dating site, and we’ve been chatting for a couple of months. He broke up with his wife before they got married, and I am divorced. So although we’ve never met, we communicate very early every morning , tea time or lunch time, before we go home, when we got home, talk about what we going to eat, he likes to ask me what must he cook for his evening. He works at the United Nations, always calling me when he gets to work, if he’s not in the meetings… We sometimes fight like any other relationships, but he will call and apologize and tell me that he doesn’t wanna lose me not now or ever. Then he told me that he wants us to take it easy… So do you think I can trust him? And on the day we meet, what/which questions must I ask him in other to be on the right side of this relationship, since I also feel that I do love him so much?

Hi Wazenga –

United Nations?! Wow!! That is COOL!

But I’ll try to take the stars out of my eyes and focus on your real question – which is what to do when you meet someone you’ve created a relationship with online.

Ah, you humans! You make everything so complicated!   We dogs never start relationships online – we always base them on sniffing! And smell tells us a great deal – about mood, history, and even someone’s diet! I’m so sorry for you folks stuck with just words and images! (After all, even those pack members who’ve been here for years don’t know what I smell like – and I’m YUMMY!)

So I think you have one biggest question of all to answer, which is (I hate to say it, but) whether everything he’s told you is true. Can he show you where he works? Introduce you to his friends, or family? And can you do the same for him? (Have to admit, I don’t quite understand that thing of breaking up with his wife before they married – how is that possible?)

Humans, unlike dogs, can lie. And there’s no way you two will be able to trust the other enough for a real romance until you are both sure of who the other is.

So I’d start there. But of course, neither of you will be able to prove yourselves at that first meeting. So I’d suggest you make plans for some time to do all that proving, but then, when you do first meet… I’d say to soak each other up. See what he looks like in 3-D, in person! Listen to his voice! Feel the touch of his hand. And yes, smell him. While you humans are way more thought-centered than we are, you still have gut instincts that can tell you a lot from that actual meeting.

And then? I’d say to talk about everything you haven’t talked about yet! Music, movies, your favorite colors, whatever!

THIS IS SO EXCITING! Anything you talk about will be amazing!

Please let me know how it goes!

Here’s Hoping it’s even better than you imagine!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone you’re interested in wants to hold off on a relationship till has have a job

sassy_tango_tree_ asks: I have feelings for this guy. And he admitted he likes me too. But he told me he doesn’t want a relationship until he has a job. That was okay between us. But then this guy acted distant and I am confused.

Hi sassy_tango_tree_ –

Of course, I don’t know anything about this guy, but your question sounds to me like he’s being pretty straight-forward with you.  He said he likes you but he’s not up for a relationship yet, and then he pulled away a bit.  That makes sense to me.

But I’ll add something else.  I will never forget a very tough couple of years when my human, Handsome, was struggling to find work.  He was frustrated, unhappy, and felt just awful about himself.  And that even led to him caring less about me, finding my enthusiasm and affection (which he normally LOVES) kind of annoying.  It was, for me, the worst time we ever had together.  Very very painful.

But once he changed careers, and things started to go his way, he got much happier, and started valuing me more and treating me better.

You see, he’d never stopped loving me.  But he was in a depression, which meant he couldn’t show and feel his love the way he had before.

And I’m wondering if this guy is in the same shape.

If so, then my advice is to be the best friend he has.  Be the one who’s always supportive, who encourages him when the whole world tells him No.  And if so, when things get better for him (and I’m sure they will), he’ll value you the way Handsome valued me.  And then all that liking he already had for you can explode into what you’ll really deserve.

Which is what I get from Handsome every day:  LOVE.

Best of luck to both of you!

Shirelle