Category Archives for "School"

0 What to do when your girlfriend or boyfriend moves away and doesn’t have time for you

anonymous asks:

I’ve been in a relationship for the past 5 years.  My girlfriend just got into college 4 months ago, and recently she made some friends and, despite her busy schedule and assignments, she spends more time with them, and barely gives me any attention now.  It’s difficult to communicate with her about this because she gets angry. It’s been happening for 2 weeks.  Any help please?

Hi anonymous –

What you and she are going through is very normal, and really annoying, I know.  She went into a new world, and probably leaned a lot on your support while adjusting to it.  But now she’s there, she’s surrounded by it, and it’s her new universe.  She can still love you, but all her attention is on the people she spends her days with.  (Ironically, you’re going through what your parents probably went through with you a few years ago, when your attention veered from them to your schoolmates!)

I wish I could promise that she’ll put all her attention back onto you, but the truth is she’s on a journey that will likely lead many directions.  Tomorrow she might want your company more than anybody’s in the world, and the next day she might be obsessing about an argument between two of her dorm-mates.  And of course, at times, she’ll actually be focused on her studies!

And is it possible she could get more interested in someone special there too?  Sure.  I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, but just to say that nothing is predictable right now.

Nor should it be.

Are you going to be heading to a college in the future?  If so, you’ll go through the same things she is now.  And yes, a big part of the joys and difficulties of this experience involve your whole sense of your world changing. 

(I should say, I haven’t had to go through this myself.  I’ve only heard about it.  But I know that my human friend Handsome going to college broke the hearts of his two dogs then.  He’d come home of course, but it was never the same as it had been.  Their lives were fine, but he’d been their most special human, and… well, you know what we dogs are like!)

So what can you do about this?  One thing: Support Her In All She Does.  Show interest in her friends, let her know you care about her life, even the parts you might not be crazy about.  Be the best friend she has, the one she can always depend on. 

But at the same time, build your own life too.  Make more friends, get out more.  Keep yourself from being “that guy” who’s so obsessive about her that she feels suffocated.  And the more interesting stuff you have going on, the more likely she is to turn her focus to you.  “Yeah I have a big exam tomorrow, but I can’t study without hearing about how your night singing in that coffee shop went!” 

As I said before, nothing is predictable, nothing is guaranteed, right now.  Except that she’s going to be on a rollercoaster of emotions and connections.  And the further she pulls into that world out there, the more she’ll need the stability you offer.

It’s like when Handsome takes me to the dog park.  I fly into pure ecstasy the second I get out of his car, and rush to sniff everything I can, meet all the pups, play with anyone who’ll play with me, and get someone to run all my thrilled energy with me!  And then, suddenly, something happens.  I realize, I’m out there, in a field full of strangers.  I’m alone.  I have no one.  And… WHERE IS HE?!  I run around, looking, and find him, and run straight to him.  Jump on him.  Get a reassuring cuddle and lick his face…

And that’s just enough for me to run off again. 

But he knows I’ll always come back.  Especially when he calls.  Because I need him to want me, to need me.  And to take me home where I can sleep off this glorious experience.

Your girlfriend is in something bigger, sure, but in a lot of ways she’s just playing in the dog park like me.  So do what you need to do for yourself, and be there for her in any way you can.  And hopefully, and most likely, she will appreciate having the best anonymous in the world, just as I appreciate my Handsome more than I can say.

Stay Strong!  Vacation will come soon!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with great guys wanting you, while you want freedom

JuicyBest asks:

I dated a guy for almost three years, and I cheated on him, but despite everything I did to him he still said he loves me. I broke up with him because I started dating a guy who I recently broke up with, and he still says he loves me. The truth is, for now, I just want to be single because I’m 19, and 300 level in university and I want to focus more on me, school, and a business I intend setting up for myself when we resume.  But I don’t know If my plans are ok.

Hi JuicyBest –

So, um, I have to say, I think your plans are FANTASTIC!  Sure I would have suggested you not cheat on your boyfriend, but you were young, and it’s a lot better than cheating on a husband when you have three kids and a house!  So, hopefully you learned from that experience.  

And in fact, that’s what I’m getting most from your letter – that you’ve learned a lot from experience.  And this has put you in a place where, although two good (or great) guys are saying they love you, you want to focus on your schooling and setting up a business.  I think that’s just great!

You do have a couple of choices, though, now.  You could tell one or both of these guys that you need to be single for a while (say, a year or two), but you’d love them to stay in touch with you, maybe hang out at times, but just not get involved physically or romantically.  One good thing about doing that is that you’d get to learn a lot about them.  Would one say “Forget it, if I can’t have you for a lover, I don’t want anything to do with you!”?  Well that would tell you a lot about what kind of partner they’d be long-term, wouldn’t it!  Or if one says “Okay, but I’m going to need to date other women while I wait for you,” you’d get a chance to see what sort of guy he’s like with other girls – how he treats them, what he learns (maybe he’d even come to you for advice!).  Or, yeah it’s possible one of them could say “I’ll just stay single and wait for you.”  And that would say a lot too.

What I love about what you’re doing is that you’re setting your boundaries, and saying who you are and what you want.  How these guys, or anyone else, treats you is then up to them.  But you will then learn who likes or loves you AS YOU WANT TO BE, and who can’t accept it.  Which is just the best stuff to learn for your future!

After all, if Handsome didn’t love the wild uncontrollable puppy I was, there’s no way I would trust him to love the more mature goofball I’ve become!

So I say to go for it.  And maybe let me know what this cool business is!  I’m really impressed!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 How to deal with an eating disorder

arjai101 asks: I went to a family reunion that was triggering. I finally finally get what people mean by “triggering” in the non-ironic sense of the word. But it wasn’t the family that did it. That was fine. It was the food. I was actually doing pretty fine with everything. But as the reunion wore on, I worried more and more. And then I started eating more, and making myself throw it up. Now, I can’t personally speak for everyone. But, the thing about making yourself throw up is that moment right before you get started and you’re staring down into the toilet is one of the worst parts. No matter how stuffed you feel or how determined you are, you will never want to do it less than in that very moment. When you march off to the bathroom, it seems like the best idea. When you’re in the midst of it, it’s uncomfortable but not that bad. And when you finish, most of the time, you don’t feel all that bad, it varies. Sometimes, you feel shame, sometimes like God, sometimes like I deserve this. Either way, you walk out there head held high, shoulders tilted back, sip your diet coke like nothing ever happened. Just like you taught yourself when you were little, convince people you were untouchable, invincible. Make them love you or make them hate you because they weren’t you. But, I guess I was never really invincible or untouchable from my own doing, which is the ironic thing about it all. Anyhow, this time I was coughing a lot, and I felt every single thing leaving my body in grave detail. Yet, I still just kept jabbing and jabbing down my throat. Cause, I knew I just had to fix it. I just had to fix everything I’d ever done and ever was. The bathroom was empty. But at one point, one of the little cousins roamed in and used the bathroom and God; I felt like such a loser hovered over the toilet clutching my stomach waiting in silence for her to leave. I said to myself, this is the last time. This is it. I can’t do this anymore. And you know what I did, the literal next day? The same exact thing. I can look at a plate and calculate the calories, the grams of protein, the grams of carbs. Tell me your weight, age, height, and activity level. I can probably give you your Basal Metabolic Rate. I can tell you how long it takes for you to deplete glycogen stores. I can tell you what percentage of your calories we’re used up in thermogenesis based on their macronutrient group. I can debate the intuitive eating lifestyle vs. chronic diet culture. Etc etc. etc. I’ve become quite the nutrition and fitness savant. And also, a complete neurotic bore to talk to most of the time. I’m trying to pinpoint why I’ve become so obsessive about it lately. I feel like I’ve really been disappointing everyone in my life on the down low for years. Or that, eventually, I will. Honestly, I don’t know. I just wish I could make it stop. I wish I could it make it all stop. This is going to sound cheesy. But sometimes, I wonder if being loved by someone you didn’t lie to in the slightest way about who you are makes it stop, at least for the briefest of moments. But that’s a dangerous and indefinite way of making it stop, waiting for some girl to “save” you. Nope, I’m just going to have to get together and eat like a normal freaking person. I was doing fine before. And now I know, what triggers it. And I, just have to think ahead and prepare. Addendum: It’s about six days later, and I’m doing great. I think. Think, I finally started getting into a pattern that works for me. And I guess, I’m just excited for the future. To leave it all behind, you know. I really am a blast most other times.

Hi arjai101 –

This is one of the most powerful and meaningful letters I’ve ever received.

And I hate it.

I hate it because it horrifies me.  I hate it because of what you’ve been doing to yourself.  I hate it because of the self-loathing and impossible-perfectionism it shows. 

I hate it because I love and care about you so much, and it’s like reading about someone beating you up – except that the beater is you.

So of course, I like the last paragraph though.  If it’s still true after a few days, I like it even better.  And if it stays true, then we’re great – I got a letter that paints me a picture of a hell I have trouble understanding, and you’re moving on to a free and strong life.

But if it doesn’t stay true?  If you fall into the behavior again?  I’m going to insist – you absolutely HAVE  to

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0 What to do when you want to just disappear

arjai101 asks: At the moment, I’m trying my hand at disappearing. I wonder if people will ever notice I’m gone. If they’ll notice I haven’t texted them or asked them to hang out or just anything. You think and you strive and you hope that one day you’ll matter to people. One day someone will text you first or reach out to you first or invite you somewhere first or anything. Literally anything. I feel so alone all of the time. And I keep thinking to myself, what else can I do. You get the perfect weave and the tiniest waist and the perfect abs and posture and composure. You practice and practice the piano. Finally, you play Beethoven, Chopin, exhilarating sonatas. You have the grades. You’re funny. You can cook literally anything. You dress to perfection. Sometimes you swear strangers heads turn when you walk past. But none of it. None of it. None of it. NONE OF IT WORKS!! No matter how friendly you are, how well you master body language, how much you make people laugh. No one cares. They’ll always tell you they’re busy and “forget” to answer your texts and so on and so on. I’m so tired of feeling so alone. I’m so tired. I’m just so tired. Do I have to set myself on fire? Everyone can’t be that busy. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Hey arjai101! 

Well as I’ve said many times over, I don’t understand what’s with these people!  You are fascinating and exciting, and I’d imagine anyone would want you around.

But for some reason they don’t seem to.

And your letter does give me one thought about it.  You are a striver for excellence, and that’s fantastic.  But that will only get you respect, not friendship.

I would love to hear you play those sonatas.  But that would be true even if I didn’t know you – I just love beautiful music.  Your perfect muscles and posture make you a great model, and I’m sure the envy of many women around you.  And even your cooking and joking, which would sure make me want to have dinner at your home, might not be the key to a relationship.

And all this brings up the question – what IS the key? 

And I’m not sure I know!

I am sure that, at the least, mutual caring matters – everyone wants to be around people who care about them, and who they can care about.  And shared interests certainly matter (someone who loves classical music the way you do, for example, who you could join to see concerts). 

But I’ll add something else – good energy.  People love hanging around me because, yeah I’m cute and funny and lick their faces and such, but also because I have such a good energy around me.  I’m generally pretty happy, and I’m happier when I’m with them! 

So if you’re being nice to people, but waiting to hear back from them that they want to be with you, that can feel a bit pressuring.  And of course, the more this happens, the more you’ll distrust, so the tougher your energy gets!

So I’m going to throw out two wild ideas.  First, find

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0 Is it a problem if your husband or wife flirts with others?

Rick asks: My wife has a male friend who she texts the same pictures she does me (not nude). They chat about how her day was, financial problems etc. She told me he had made a pass at her before we got married, but she says he’s not her type. Can she really see him as a friend or am I missing something?

Hi Rick –

Of course, I’m just a dog.  I’m not psychic or a mind-reader, so I can’t tell you what’s going on in her (or her friend’s) brain. 

But from what you tell me, I can make a guess. 

First of all, I doubt she’s cheating on you.  Cheaters usually hide things from their spouses, and she’s being very open about this.  So, to answer your question, yes I think she sees him as a friend.

But then there’s that second point, him.  What I don’t know is how he’s feeling.  You see, I know lots of married people who have great friends who they could  be having affairs with but aren’t.  My human friend Handsome has a number of married female friends, and he’d never consider doing anything to mess with their marriages, even if one of them came on to him.  He values them too much.

But it’s that thing about her sending photos to him that concerns me.  It’s very normal for a person who’s fully committed to their spouse, to still enjoy the attention and attraction they get from someone else.  And is her sending those photos to this man (who’s made it clear he’s attracted to her, and whom she rebuffed as “not her type”) a way of keeping his interest.  Innocently, but still wanting it?

And if so, might he get the wrong idea, and make another pass?  Or, if not, might his feelings actually be a bit hurt, that she’s flirting with him when they both know it can’t go anywhere? 

Or does he like the fact that this woman he’s attracted to, who is happily married to someone else, still flirts with him, making him feel relevant and attractive?

You see, I don’t know the answer to these.  Again, I think you’re fine, and there’s nothing big to be concerned about.  But are there small things that might evolve into bigger issues someday?  Maybe.

Anyway, that’s the best this pup can do!  (And by the way, I’m completely devoted to my human, but I still flirt with EVERYBODY!)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should you move away if you feel you don’t fit in?

Wooff asks: I want to go to a university abroad rather than stay in my country, but my mom is not supportive. Her reason being is due to financial reasons but I said I would go if I got a scholarship. It’s not about money, which they have enough to support me with. It’s just more about the fact that she knows that I plan on settling abroad. I really have nowhere else to go or ask someone without getting a heavily biased opinion. Ever since I’ve been young, I’ve wanted to go abroad. While I owe a lot to my country, I do not want to stay in it. At all. I get stared down by men if I do not wear a certain type of clothing. People use their influence/connections to get to higher ranks. You have to be a people pleaser to be successful (which I am not). I have to behave a certain way to please other people, I cannot walk freely with my boyfriend hand in hand. I live in a third world country. I have no freedom, people only watch out for themselves. And I cannot survive here. I am by nature a very sensitive person. And I have been abroad and I love how everything feels so free there. My mom keeps saying “I raised you and now you want to leave me. A lot of people here are surviving. You can go abroad when we’re dead.” I would not have chosen to be born if I knew being in a family is such a give and take situation. I did not chose to be born here. I don’t want to survive anymore, I want to live. I want the basic right to clean air, if that’s not too much to ask for. If she had the best intentions in mind for me (which I doubt now), she would want me to have my best life. I suggested that they could leave with me but she said it’s not that easy. The reason I’d be staying is because I was forced. I think it’s my right to want a better life for me and my future family. I lived as a second class citizen my whole life in this country. Reading in my country’s education system rather than international education system. Only because I was told that it was too expensive and they could not afford it. But now that the decision has come to choose my universities, I want to go abroad. Yes, I’ll prepare for both here and abroad, but if I could get a decent scholarship, I’d leave. But I’m not getting any support to try for abroad. Maybe the best course of action would be to try for both, while focusing mainly on abroad. I don’t want to take a gap year but maybe that would be the best? What do you think Shirelle? Am I being selfish? Am I in the wrong? What should I do? Conform again or live my life? I’m sorry if I sound hateful, but I’ve been living with this anger since high school, and even now, it hasn’t gone away completely. Would really appreciate an unbiased opinion.

Dear Wooff –

So before I answer you, Handsome said “Tell her to listen to Bruce Springsteen’s song ‘Independence Day.’  That’s exactly where she’s at.  At least she won’t feel so alone.”  And I never disagree with Handsome… on music.  (On what he feeds me, and where he lets me go, I disagree with him all the time.  But enough about that.)

Wooff, there are lots of people, I suppose most people, who are very good at living the way they’re supposed to.  They’re nice people, who relate to the social standards of their culture, they work hard enough, they’re good to their families, and sure they make mistakes but overall they do fine.

And then there are the other kinds of people.  People who don’t fit in so well.  They might be good-natured, they might be very kind, they might be brilliant in some ways, but they’ve just never quite felt like they belonged.

There are dogs like that too.  I’m one of them.  And I think you’re one of those people.  So you and I are alike in more ways than just your name and my species sound!

What I’m saying, Wooff, and what Handsome’s saying with that song, is that this isn’t just about right now, and it’s not just about choosing a university, and it’s not even just about your parents and your country.   This is you.  And the you you’re going to be, at some level, forever.

And what this means is that you’re going to be re-inventing yourself, probably a lot.  If you move to another country, if you move back, if you dress less conservatively or more, if you go to one university or another or none, even what you choose to study there. 

I know it feels scary.  You’re right.  People who comfortably live by the rules don’t have to face this particular fear (Of course everyone faces lots of other ones, so it doesn’t mean their lives are necessarily better than yours; they just don’t have to deal with this).  You might alienate people you really love, or you might give in to them and feel that you’ve cheated yourself.

In fact, I’m going to change that last comment.  You WILL alienate people you love.  And you WILL give in to them and feel that you’ve cheated yourself.  You will also be misjudged in bad ways, and given credit for strengths you don’t feel you deserve.  You will struggle and fail, and you’ll struggle and succeed, and sometimes you’ll just give up on the struggle.

My dear friend, of course I can’t tell you whether to stay in your country for university or not.  I don’t know nearly enough to give a decent answer.  But from what you wrote, I sure

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0 How to help your friend pursue their own dreams

Danish asks: The girl whom I love is in a little trouble. She wants to do photography but her parents are forcing her to study medicine. But can you please tell me how can she become a professional photographer?

Hi Danish –

Boy I wish I could help.  Any photographers I’ve ever dealt with just got their work by submitting photo after photo to magazines, TV shows, websites, anyone, till they sell some.  And I’m sure studying it helps, especially if the teacher has contacts in the business who can help her along.

But beyond that, I really don’t know much about that world.  Her best bet is to talk with any teachers she can.

And I will add – just because her official study is in medicine, that doesn’t mean she can’t take a photography class or two, and connect with the faculty and other students in it.  Lots of students major in a “serious” profession while working on their artistic dreams.  

Just off the top of my furry head – Michael Crichton (the great science fiction writer, creator of “The Andromeda Strain,” “Jurassic Park,” and the TV show “E.R.”) and George Miller (the amazing director of the “Mad Max” movies and “Happy Feet”) went through medical school and became doctors, before their explosive artistic successes.

So my big advice to her is to go for her dreams, even if she keeps obedient to her parents!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to handle slut shame for having had boyfriends

Loser asks: I’m from a very small and conservative country. Our society is very complicated. Here boys and girls even can’t talk properly. Our school isn’t combined. But apart from that we all contact with each other in social media. I had a boyfriend. At first everything was so good. We met secretly and those memories – gosh! I don’t know what love is but if it exists then I loved him a lot. He broke up with me a lot of times, but then when he came back and apologized I always forgave him. But a week ago suddenly he stopped talking to me. I thought he was in a depression, but 3 days ago he compared me with his ex. And yesterday he hurt me by his words. I want to forget him, but I can’t. I love him so much. And he was my 3rd boyfriend. It was my last attempt. If I fail this time, our so called conservative school and those girls and boys will slut-shame me. I can’t find anyone good. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Loser –

 

Okay, so let me start by saying I hate   having said “Hi Loser!”  That sounds like I’m insulting you, and I don’t feel that way toward you at all!  (Tell you what, how about, if you write me back, please say, just once, “Hello you stinking fleabag mutt!” Then I’ll feel much better!)

 

So onto your questions.

 

First of all, I’m sorry about this guy, but yes, these things do happen – especially on social media.  And especially when the people are young, which it sounds like you are.

 

So in terms of forgetting him, I know that won’t be easy, especially as you had such a great time with him and aren’t seeing other boys enough.  But my advice is to then do as many things as you can with your friends:  Hang out with the girls you go to school with, even ones you normally wouldn’t call your closest friends.  Watch movies, listen to music, just anything you can do that is fun.  You won’t forget him of course, but you will get other things into your mind, and hopefully meet more people, maybe even a better guy.

 

Now in terms of him being your third boyfriend, I can tell you that a lot of people (maybe more in other countries) would say that’s great!  They wouldn’t call you a “slut,” they’d call you popular!  So many girls who spend their nights alone wishing the phone would ring would do ANYTHING to have had three boyfriends before leaving high school!  Think of it like if someone told you they felt bad for having had three friends, or having read three books, or having visited three countries!

 

Now there might be questions about Continue reading

0 How to deal with gossip about you, even if it’s true

thelittleangel asks: There’s this guy who I’m attracted to, but I don’t know much about him. I’ve been wanting to get to know him, but also, there’s this girl who likes him and thinks I like him and she’s been telling people I like him and she’s been saying bad stuff about me behind my back. My friends think she only is saying this because she thinks I have a thing with him and she’s jealous. In addition, can I have some tips on how to deal with people gossiping about you and your business?

Hi thelittleangel –

 

Here’s the funny part about being a young human.   You guys are so worried about people talking about you, you don’t realize that it’s actually great!  She’s telling people you like him.  Okay, hopefully he’ll hear about it and think “Hmmm… I hadn’t really noticed her before, but I kind of like being liked by her!”

 

But now, you also say she’s talking trash about you.  That truly is a problem.

 

But you have an advantage – you know  that she’s doing it.  So the best thing to do with that is to confront her, ideally right in front of the friends she’s telling it to.  “Hey, I hear you’ve been telling people I have fleas.  Well, here are a bunch of my friends, and they’ve never seen me scratch, even once.  So why are you saying all these lies?”

 

Can you imagine  how powerful that is?  My guess is that she’ll immediately stop.  After all, the reason to spread that sort of gossip is to gain power, and you’ll have just taken that power right away from her!

 

And if a bunch of people are gossiping about you?  I’d do the same thing on a bigger level. I know this sounds terrifying, but imagine what would happen if you stood up in the school lunchroom, or at an assembly, and said “People here have been spreading lies about me.  And I wonder if you have the courage to admit it.  Like, who was the one who started telling people I have fleas?!  You don’t have the guts to admit it, do you?  Because you know it’s a lie.  So I’ll leave it to you all to figure out who it was who started it, but just know, they’re not only a liar, they’re a wussy coward too.”

 

And then sit down, and never bring it up again.  You’ll be amazed how that gossip just disappears.

 

So I guess what I’m suggesting, in both cases, is for you to find some courage.  The courage to start a conversation with that boy, and the courage to face this girl with the truth.

 

If you can do these things, you’ll suddenly feel a lot bigger and stronger, which will be amazing.

 

But don’t worry, you’ll always be thelittleangel to me!

 

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to avoid someone you’re attracted to

Athika asks: I’m a female and I’ve been in a serious relationship with one boy for a few months. My problem is that I still talk with my classmate whom I used to love and admire a lot. I met with my classmate, which caused serious impact on our relationship. My partner got to know about this and was ready to leave. I just want to stay away from my classmate because I know I seriously love my friend. What should I do now?

Hi Athika –

 

I just want to clarify your question, to make sure I understand what’s going on.

 

If I have it right, you’ve been in a relationship with a boy for a few months, but you also have a classmate you have loved and admired, and your boyfriend is jealous about this?  Is that correct?  And so you’re asking how to stay away from the classmate?

 

If I do have it right, the fact is that you can’t totally stay away from the classmate, as long as you’re in class together.  But you can choose to only deal with them in a “professional” way, only talking about classwork and such.  And that might help.

 

But at the same time, this is a great time to work with your boyfriend to build trust in each other. After all, you might later have a job with someone very attractive, or he might too.  And trust is really the most important part of any relationship, and this is a great way to work on it.

 

My real advice on this is to talk very openly about it – a lot – with each other.  See what bothers him, and how you can work together to make the relationship work for both of you.

 

(But if I misunderstood what’s happening, please let me know and I’ll be glad to give you the right response!)

 

All my best,

Shirelle