arjai101 asks: At the moment, I’m trying my hand at disappearing. I wonder if people will ever notice I’m gone. If they’ll notice I haven’t texted them or asked them to hang out or just anything. You think and you strive and you hope that one day you’ll matter to people. One day someone will text you first or reach out to you first or invite you somewhere first or anything. Literally anything. I feel so alone all of the time. And I keep thinking to myself, what else can I do. You get the perfect weave and the tiniest waist and the perfect abs and posture and composure. You practice and practice the piano. Finally, you play Beethoven, Chopin, exhilarating sonatas. You have the grades. You’re funny. You can cook literally anything. You dress to perfection. Sometimes you swear strangers heads turn when you walk past. But none of it. None of it. None of it. NONE OF IT WORKS!! No matter how friendly you are, how well you master body language, how much you make people laugh. No one cares. They’ll always tell you they’re busy and “forget” to answer your texts and so on and so on. I’m so tired of feeling so alone. I’m so tired. I’m just so tired. Do I have to set myself on fire? Everyone can’t be that busy. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Well as I’ve said many times over, I don’t understand what’s with these people! You are fascinating and exciting, and I’d imagine anyone would want you around.
But for some reason they don’t seem to.
And your letter does give me one thought about it. You are a striver for excellence, and that’s fantastic. But that will only get you respect, not friendship.
I would love to hear you play those sonatas. But that would be true even if I didn’t know you – I just love beautiful music. Your perfect muscles and posture make you a great model, and I’m sure the envy of many women around you. And even your cooking and joking, which would sure make me want to have dinner at your home, might not be the key to a relationship.
And all this brings up the question – what IS the key?
And I’m not sure I know!
I am sure that, at the least, mutual caring matters – everyone wants to be around people who care about them, and who they can care about. And shared interests certainly matter (someone who loves classical music the way you do, for example, who you could join to see concerts).
But I’ll add something else – good energy. People love hanging around me because, yeah I’m cute and funny and lick their faces and such, but also because I have such a good energy around me. I’m generally pretty happy, and I’m happier when I’m with them!
So if you’re being nice to people, but waiting to hear back from them that they want to be with you, that can feel a bit pressuring. And of course, the more this happens, the more you’ll distrust, so the tougher your energy gets!
So I’m going to throw out two wild ideas. First, find
something you care about a lot, and put some time in volunteering for it. Just do it, not expecting anything in return except the good feeling it gives you. Doing that will actually shift your energy, and I’m going to guess, will make you more attractive to others – in a different way from your perfect figure!
And second, see if you can find a group online that shares an interest of yours. Classical Music lovers, or Gourmet Cooks, or whatever – something where you could meet with them and share your enjoyment of this, without needing or expecting anything back from them. Maybe one night you spend hours talking to a 95-year-old harpist, and another you befriend a twelve-year-old who can make souffles with his eyes closed. Now neither of those is going to become part of your main social circle. But as you enjoy them more, you’re going to start to relax more, and enjoy your life more.
Now I’m not saying to give up on your peers. They’re the goal here! But I’m just thinking these things would change the way you’re perceived…
…and be a LOT healthier than setting yourself on fire!