Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 How to move on from a long-gone relationship.

LittleGirlBigAppetite asks: It’s close to one whole year since I broke up with my boyfriend. After the breakup, I did everything possible to move on. Blocked him on social media, hung out with my friends a lot, concentrated on my studies and also did the things that you’d told me to do in your previous letter. It all went well for 5 months and I even forgave him for ruining our relationship, though my feelings for him were still there. So therefore I unblocked him. But he texted me back in April and we agreed to be friends. Slowly as days went by my feelings and hopes of getting back together got stronger. He too confessed that he still has feelings for me, though I find it hard to believe. As he stays in a city 2 hours away from me, I knew that meeting up wasn’t possible anytime soon due to our busy schedules (one of the reasons why we broke up). Plus I always have this nagging feeling that he might be seeing other girls. So to save myself from all the pain all over again, I told him that we should stop talking in August. Its October now, and I am still hurting. I can’t seem to stop thinking about him no matter what. There’s always this empty, hollow feeling inside me and I’m worried that I might go into depression. It has already started affecting my sleep. Is there anything I can do apart from the regular ‘how to move on from your ex activities’ that might help?

Hi LittleGirlBigAppetite –

I sure hope this guy appreciates how much you feel for him!  Even if nothing ever happens between you two again, it’s pretty amazing to have someone care that much.

I’m very complimented that you took my previous letter so strongly.  And I’m glad you did the things I suggested, which were mostly about how to deal with heading into a period of depression.

Well now that it’s been a while, and all this other stuff has happened, I think it’s time to move into another phase.  Let’s get your life started again!

When you wrote me before, you talked about how this guy was the only one you’d ever felt comfortable with.  So now, time has moved on, you’ve gotten stronger and survived the breakup… but he’s still the only one you’ve felt that way with.

Well if that’s the case, then I know just the cure for you.  You need to Continue reading

0 How to move a relationship forward from friends to more

PERFECTION asks: I’m continuing to make moves for the girl I’ve always wanted to be with me, and so far everything seems to fall right in. But we don’t have classes anymore and I have a job already, so what worries me is that I won’t be able to see her frequently. I’m finding ways to maintain communication with her, but I’m also afraid that she might get annoyed. What do you think I should do? I get this feeling like I want to call her but I’m afraid she might get mad. Though all the things that I have done seem to have a positive feedback lately. She’s sweet in person, but in text messages or chat most of the time she’s not. Should I worry? Is that a bad sign?

Hi PERFECTION –

Well, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that you’ve been doing everything right, and are in exactly the place you’ve been wanting to be.  The bad news is that now there are so many unknowns.  It’s like when you’re looking for a job, and you find three places that say they’d like to hire you, but you don’t know which will treat you well or badly, or where something really awful could happen to you, or something phenomenally great.

What you need is a fortune-teller, a psychic, who can tell you everything you can’t figure out.  Well… if you believe such people actually have that power!

That’s where you are with this girl.  You need to be able to read her mind, to know just what she wants, and how often she’d like to hear from you, and what her favorite candy is… and I can’t offer any of that information!  I haven’t the faintest idea.

Now you can do what lots of people do, and study every letter of her texts to try to figure out details.  But I find that often doesn’t work either – you end up responding to some “hint” that she never meant, and you’d be just as well off not having done all that work.

But I will throw a few thoughts at you, just based on what I’ve seen of human nature.

First, the single most attractive, sexy, enticing quality a person can have is Continue reading

0 How to handle being in an affair

Bernice asks: I have a boyfriend, but suddenly felt in love with another person who also has a girlfriend. We both felt in love and had an affair. Now I’m confused if the new guy loves me, because he treats me good and he claims he loves me, but we are both dating. What should I do?

Hi Bernice –

What a situation!  Wow!

Well of course I can’t answer your fundamental question – how he feels about you.  But I can comment on the situation you’re in.  It’s a very tough one.  For two main reasons.

First, of course, it’s hard for either you or this new guy to trust each other, because you know each of you keeps big secrets from the person you’re dating.  So if he says he loves you, if he even says he loves you best of all, why would you believe it, when you can assume he’s saying the same thing to his girlfriend?  And similarly, why should he believe you?

And secondly, you’re in that miserable place everyone who gets involved with an attached person has, where you’re always the second choice.  Since your boyfriend is officially  with his girlfriend, she’s the one who’ll accompany him at any important event, or out with his friends.  Which is of course going to make you feel less-than.  And again, what he’s doing to you, you’re doing to him, in this regard.

So when he says these things, how can you figure out whether or not to believe him?

Well, I can think of three ways.  But both are tough, really tough.

First, you two could Continue reading

0 Is it good to take a break from a relationship

G asks: I’ve been in a relationship for the past year or so. I do love the guy I’m dating but recently I have been overthinking a lot and thinking about taking a break. I get contradictory thoughts: one which says that I love him and another which says that it’s fading away. I don’t know what to do.

Hi G –

The big question here is what exactly you mean by “break.”

For example, I sleep on Handsome’s bed, but every once in a while, I feel like sleeping on the floor for a few hours.  Then in the middle of the night I’ll jump back on and lie next to him, where I feel safe and loved.  So you might say I took a break.

Then once or twice a year, Handsome will leave me, not just for a day or two, but for over a week.  He calls it a “vacation” or “trip.”  Maybe he flies to another city or country (it’s always about him flying; if he can drive, he takes me).  So he’s taken a break from me – even if I wasn’t the reason for the break.

But I’ve also heard humans talk about taking “a break” in a relationship, meaning that they want to try breaking up and see how it feels, and if they want to fully break up or not.

It’s totally normal to feel full-on love at times and not at others.  Especially when a couple’s been together for a long time.  The big question is about the rest of your relationship – is he an ideal partner for you, do you two enjoy each other even when the passion’s not there, and biggest of all – do you think you might want to stay together for a long time, or forever?

If you’re not sure about those last questions, then yes, maybe taking a break is a good idea, just to see how you feel apart.  But of course, doing that might make him go away, while you begin to realize you care more than you’d realized.  So it is risky.  But if we’re talking about the rest of your lives, maybe it’s better to take that risk now than to later regret not taking it.

Still, I know this kind of decision is no fun.  Sorry you have to go through it.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to build self-esteem when you’re not as attractive as your friends

Tyna asks: Could you talk to me about self-esteem? You talked about dressing well, etc…. Unfortunately, I don’t even feel like I love myself that much. (I tried to harm myself). I always feel like nothing I wear will look good anyway, as I am not that slim. People seem to prefer slim People, which am not. When I am moving around with my friends, it’s them people will notice, and my head goes back to, “Maybe you are ugly or maybe you look fatter than all of them, and therefore are unattractive.” I don’t know what to do Shirelle.

Hi Tyna –

My biggest wish for you is that you realize how normal your feelings are.  MOST people feel inferior a lot, and almost ALL people have trouble about their appearance.  Of course, there are degrees of these things, and if your anxiety is truly overwhelming you, I very much recommend you find a good psychotherapist to help you with it (they are really good at anxiety, and can probably get you feeling at least somewhat better within a few weeks).

Everybody is worse at some things than most people.  Most people aren’t the very best at anything.  This is absolutely fine, and does not cast any bad light on anyone’s worth.  I will never be as fast as a greyhound, as big as a Great Dane, or as smart as Lassie.  Big deal!  I know I’ve got some worth (at least to you – you didn’t write that annoying collie, did you!  You wrote ME!).  And I especially know that I have worth to my dearest friends.  They don’t want a smarter or stronger or prettier dog – they love ME.

So you’re feeling inferior.  Well, look at the two of us.  I can almost certainly run faster than you.  I’m very sure I can bite harder and bigger than you can!  But you can probably talk.  You can probably grab things with your hand.  You probably can do math.  You can probably sing.  Well I can’t do any of those – so who’s the inferior one here?!

But you don’t need me to put down your sense of inferiority – if you liked and respected it, you would never have written that letter to me.  What you want is to move past it.  And the best technique I’ve ever heard for that is to 

master something.  Lots of people never master anything, so they don’t really realize how much they can do!  So is there something that you love?  Do you love music, or art, or building things?  Could you take a class, and learn to play the violin, or make beautiful pots, or rebuild a car engine?  Just the act of doing one of those things will make you feel immensely better about yourself.  And doing it to the degree of mastery?  Oh Tyna, you won’t believe how good you’ll feel about yourself!  Like the day I caught a squirrel and brought it in and dropped it at Handsome’s feet as he was climbing out of the shower!  I felt so great!  (It was funny, his reaction wasn’t exactly what I expected though – something more like, um, terror!).

The other thing I really recommend is to try to catch yourself when you say things that put yourself down.  When you walk into a room of strangers, do you tell yourself “No one here wants to know me, I’m unwantable?”  Well, that would be a really good thing to talk yourself out of.  How about replacing it with “I don’t know anyone here, but if I’m friendly, probably someone here will like talking with me.”  It’s not huge confidence, but it’s the truth, right?  And your believing that will make you more attractive!  I know that sounds weird, but it’s true!  

So you say slim people are more attractive than you.  Maybe one thing you could master would be losing a little weight?  Sure, maybe you’ll never be as skinny as Taylor Swift, but, again, the better you feel about yourself, the better you’ll look to others.

Speaking of singers, I’m sure you’ve seen a lot of publicity about the great singer Aretha Franklin, who passed away recently.  She battled weight issues her whole life, and was famously deeply shy, but was one of the most sought-after and beloved humans of the last century.  Why? Because she had such mastery over her art, and showed such joy in doing it.

Again, my friend, I’m not going to tell you this is all easy.  But the better you can feel about how you treat yourself (AND PLEASE, WRITE ME BEFORE YOU CONSIDER CUTTING AGAIN!  I have a few questions about that on my website, and desperately want to help you not fall into that behavior ever again!), the better you’ll come off to others, and the more attractive you’ll be.

Great!  Good Luck, and I hope to hear back from you soon,

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone forces you to stay in a relationship.

Tannu asks: My boyfriend has kept me in blindness. He used to tell me that he is very rich. And he has taken my savings from me and said he will return it to me in two three days. But he has not returned it. I loved him so much. I have done whatever he told me to do, but he has lied to me for three years (taking my money, saying his father was ill). When I came to know about the truth he apologized to me and begged me to leave with him. I am in confusion what to do. But on the other side he used to curse me and put finger on my character. He used to tell me that I would leave him for money and didn’t accept his apology because I started liking someone else. Now I don’t want to stay with him, but he’s forcing me to, to get my money back. I don’t know what to do in this situation.

Hi Tannu –

I have to admit, just from your letter, I’m not liking this fellow very much.  He sounds like a total, awful jerk.  Not just kind of a jerk.

So this is a horrible situation.  And there’s no good easy way out of it.

One answer, if you can afford it, is to just walk away.  Forget about the money, and figure it’s your payment to have a life free of this creep.

But if you can’t afford that, my suggestion is to get some ‘muscle.’  Maybe some lawyers, but someone to confront him and force him to pay you back.

The only thing I really DON’T want you doing is just what you are doing, which is playing his game and staying in the relationship on his terms.  This is soul-destroying, and gives him every reason in the world to not pay you back!

I wish I knew more, and could tell you exactly what to do.  But I can only urge you to choose some solution other than staying.  This current situation just stinks.

All my best wishes,

Shirelle

0 Should you meet with an ex while in a relationship?

The little one asks: I have a boyfriend whom I fought with some days ago. We love each other but we fight a lot. Then I got a message from my ex-boyfriend whom I left for my current boyfriend. And when I talked with my ex, I kind of felt very happy. I really want to go meet him. But I don’t know whether this is correct or not. Please suggest.

Hi The little one –

I really can’t say what you need to do, because I don’t know enough about your relationship, or your current boyfriend.

In some relationships, no one would mind at all if the other met up with their ex – especially if it was in an innocent scenario like meeting for lunch in public.  But in other relationships, that would be looked at as cheating, and grounds to break up.

So I’d say to ask yourself a few questions, and then choose.

First, what was that fight about?  If it was about your boyfriend feeling jealous, then anything you do (like meeting your ex) is just going to add to his argument, and go very badly.  But if it was about politics or backseat driving or something, maybe that’s not a problem at all.

Second, is he generally a jealous guy?  Suspicious?  If so, then you’d be asking for trouble.  But if he’s not, then it might not matter at all.

Third, are you  a jealous person?  Do you get angry at him for talking to other girls?  Well, if so, then he might think it’s really hypocritical for you to meet your ex.  But if you’re a free spirit who’s cool with him hanging with his exes, it might be okay.

And fourth – was the fight so bad you’re not sure you want to continue the relationship?  And if so, are you thinking your ex was nicer and better, and that you might want to go back to him?  Well, if that’s the case, then meeting with him might be a very good idea.  But you do also say you love your current boyfriend, so breaking off the relationship might be a really painful awful thing to go through.

I’m sorry I can’t offer something more definite.  But my little doggy brain can’t answer your question without knowing about all these.

Either way, GOOD LUCK!  I hope it works out the best way possible!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 How to keep a relationship working when living together

Lila asks: It’s been only two and a half months and he’s asking me to move in with him. We spent the whole summer together, but people are saying it won’t last, that we will be sick of each other. How can I make that not happen?

Hi Lila –

I’m not sure what you’re asking.  Do you want moving in together to not happen, or getting sick of each other to not happen, after you move in together?

If it’s the first one, you just have to say no, that you love him and want to keep your relationship going, but that it’s too soon for you to do that.  And hopefully he’ll understand.

But if you mean the second, that’s a very common concern.  It comes up with all couples, especially when they’ve been together for a few years.  This is why we see married couples going into couples therapy, or just planning date nights or romantic getaways.  But I think that’s looking too far ahead.

For now, if you two decide to do this, I think the big Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend thinks you’re a different age

Manny asks: I’ve been dating people who are older than me by 5+ years and they all have the same impression about me, that I’m older and wiser than most people they’ve encountered over the years. I’m 19 and I’m really scared of the level of maturity I have because of this. There is this woman I have who believes that I’m 27. She’s 33 and I love her and she also loves me, but I’ve never told her my real age and I already feel like marrying her. What should I do? I don’t care that she’s older; I love her for the kind of person she is. I don’t want to lose her, and I want to have a prosperous marriage with her, but I fear that should she find out or I tell her my real age she’ll dump me. Please help!

Hi Manny –

This is such an fascinating issue.  We dogs are constantly mistaken for different ages, and it’s always interesting to see why.

For example, I’ve written a bit about my friend Aria.  She’s a mix of many breeds, but her appearance is all like a German Shepherd – but one about half the size of a normal adult.  So when people meet her, they usually think she’s about six months old, even though she has grey hair on her chin!  (We don’t know her actual age; the veterinarians say she’s somewhere between four and six)

Meanwhile, I have a human friend named K who helps with my website sometimes.  She’s 22, and looks it.  But because she’s, like you, very mature, she comes off as ten to fifteen years older.  In her case, her family moved around a lot when she was young, so she kept dealing with new people all the time, and she’s had to be very responsible and take care of some people, which of course makes someone act more mature.

(And when it comes to me, I may look my age, but I usually act like a bratty puppy, so people often think I’ve got half my years!)

Now you didn’t give me any reason why  you come off as more mature than you are, and maybe it’s just the way your brain is set up.  But it’s very important to note this – it is just as difficult for a person to fit in when they’re much more mature than others their own age as it is if they’re much less so.  We see people with developmental issues who might be 19 but have the brain of a ten-year-old.  And while they can be frustrating, most people are understanding and willing to try to adjust, to deal with that person’s disability.  Well you are JUST AS MUCH of an outlier!  But who adjusts to you?  Who says “Oh we’ll have a special class in school, and give you an aide,” and all that?  No one, of course!

So the fact is, it makes total sense that you would date a woman older than you.  You’re actually the right age for each other, probably!  Or at least, so it seems.

So I have a couple of thoughts for you.  First, and biggest, you come off as mature, and you may well be that way in many ways.  But there might be many others where you’re Continue reading

0 How to choose between your boyfriend and your family.

Susmitha asks: I’m in a relationship with a boy. He is an introverted, nice guy. I trust him very much. We have been in love for three years. We are not married, but we do have physical touch. After some day, I noticed that he had some feelings about my sister. After I asked him, he said that he is loving both of us. Firstly he proposed to my sissy, and she rejected him in front of me. Later he proposed to me to take revenge on my sissy. After she came home, she accepted his proposal but I didn’t know about it. In between that we both had a physical touch (but didn’t go further than that). Over the next three years, he cheated on both me and my sister. We asked him finally whom he wants in his life, who he loved the most. He says that he is in love with me, “I don’t want your sister, I need you in my life. I did wrong but I don’t want to lose you.” They broke up. He promised me after this that after he gets a job, “I will come to your home and I ask your parents to marry you. Until then I will wait for you. Forgive me, I did wrong.” But my sister is not accepting him to be in my life. She says to break up with him. But I don’t want to lose him. I’m so confused. Can I accept him in my life or not. What can I do now? I too need him In my life, and don’t want to lose him, He is somewhat childish, but he is my true love. What can I do now? Please help me.

Hi Susmitha –

Okay, so yes, there’s a real problem here.  Your sister is telling you what to do, and you’re struggling with whether to obey her or go with your interest in this guy.

This is one of those situations where one’s culture really matters.  I live with my human friend Handsome, in the Los Angeles area in the United States.  I haven’t seen any of my siblings since I was a month or two old, so I wouldn’t care at all if they told me to do something.  Handsome has a very good relationship with his brother, and neither one has ever ordered the other to do, or not do, anything (since they were children of course).  So if Handsome fell in love with someone and his brother told him he had to leave her, that would be extremely hard for Handsome; but there’s a good chance he’d go with her, and hope his brother gained more understanding over time.

But in a different culture, I understand that family is a bigger deal, and disobeying a family member could be catastrophic.  So this is why I can’t really answer your question – because I don’t know what you would lose if you disobeyed your sister.

I will, however, tell one story – about Handsome and me.  He was dating a Continue reading