How to move a relationship forward from friends to more

PERFECTION asks: I’m continuing to make moves for the girl I’ve always wanted to be with me, and so far everything seems to fall right in. But we don’t have classes anymore and I have a job already, so what worries me is that I won’t be able to see her frequently. I’m finding ways to maintain communication with her, but I’m also afraid that she might get annoyed. What do you think I should do? I get this feeling like I want to call her but I’m afraid she might get mad. Though all the things that I have done seem to have a positive feedback lately. She’s sweet in person, but in text messages or chat most of the time she’s not. Should I worry? Is that a bad sign?



Well, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that you’ve been doing everything right, and are in exactly the place you’ve been wanting to be.  The bad news is that now there are so many unknowns.  It’s like when you’re looking for a job, and you find three places that say they’d like to hire you, but you don’t know which will treat you well or badly, or where something really awful could happen to you, or something phenomenally great.


What you need is a fortune-teller, a psychic, who can tell you everything you can’t figure out.  Well… if you believe such people actually have that power!


That’s where you are with this girl.  You need to be able to read her mind, to know just what she wants, and how often she’d like to hear from you, and what her favorite candy is… and I can’t offer any of that information!  I haven’t the faintest idea.


Now you can do what lots of people do, and study every letter of her texts to try to figure out details.  But I find that often doesn’t work either – you end up responding to some “hint” that she never meant, and you’d be just as well off not having done all that work.


But I will throw a few thoughts at you, just based on what I’ve seen of human nature.


First, the single most attractive, sexy, enticing quality a person can have is Confidence.  Not in every regard (some fears and nervousness can be lovable), but confidence in who you are.  That’s one reason dogs and cats and children are so appealing to people – we haven’t developed any sense of ourselves being “not good enough.”  So, if I were in your position, wanting to get friendly with this girl, I might walk right up to her and lick her ankle, or I might sit back and let her come to me, or I might bring her a toy… whatever I chose, she’d either be charmed by my cuteness, or she just simply might not like dogs (which means nothing I could do would be right OR wrong).  So the more you can relax and be yourself, the better you’ll come off.


Second, you’re right to want to not push things too much.  Leaving her wanting more is always a good policy; while you also might do well by letting her know you’re really interested by keeping in touch.


And Third, my guess is you’re actually onto something by picking up that she’s happy to talk in person and less so in text and chat.  Respond to that: find ways to talk more and write less.  What about talking on the phone?  Is she friendly or not when you do that?  But mainly I’d say to find ways to connect with her – in person rather than by some machine.  And if she ever asks why, just tell her “you never seem as happy in text as you do in person.”  She might say that’s not how she really feels, but it’ll be clear you were paying attention.


Overall, my friend, my suggestion is to remember the whole time that you’re doing great, and you’re offering her something she might really like: You.  The difference between coming off as “I’m not good enough and I’m hoping you’ll accept me because you could make me okay,” and “I’m a good guy, with some flaws, and you’re just wonderful, and I’m hoping you’d like to go out with me because I’d love to show you a great time, and maybe someday even take care of you,” is GIGANTIC.


Again, you’re doing everything right.  Just enjoy every second of this and know I’m on your side!




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