Category Archives for "Questions"

0 What to do when you hate your father and think all men will be like him

Soumyaguna asks:

My problem is somewhat serious and hard to handle.

It’s about my father

Father has always been a Hero figure for almost every kid since their childhood reflecting strength and having a back every time and Mother being the righteous figure of nature, morals and ethics.

But for me these figures didn’t last long, not even 10 years.

I don’t know why my men are so dominating. My father may be a good father, but he was never a good MAN, husband or anything.

He became my example of how men are from the start, which I used to hate a lot.

Later I tried a lot to change my perception and try to understand him, but whenever I try to do so, I end up releasing new facts about him which leads me to hate him even more. 

This man has always tortured my mother mentally, hurts her, disrespects her. Whenever it has been in front of me, I have always stood by her like a pillar and yelled at him a lot of times. 

But every time he starts off idiot drama by saying, “yes when I’ll die, everything will be sorted.”

I’m always alone in this fight.

My mother doesn’t speak up for herself fearing maybe he’ll harm himself and things will go worse.

My elder sister also keeps mum fearing what if they part their ways.

But I’m not okay with any of this, why will she suffer every time. Whenever he is angry, frustrated, he takes it out on mother. He disrespects her so freaking much.

And above all this he talks nicely about mother’s friends, he kind of flirts with them too.

such an insult he is for me. 

I’m ashamed that this man is my father

I want to take a way out, I don’t know what to do.

I want my mother happy, I even want my father to actually die.

Please help me in taking out a solution which will be good for everyone.

Hi Soumyaguna –

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.  In a way you’re dealing with something everyone has to go through, but you’ve got an especially awful case of it.

Children and Puppies are born programmed to trust and idolize the humans that care for them.  They believe those adults are perfect, because if they don’t, the world is too terrifying for them to survive. 

In dogs, this belief might last an entire lifetime.  In humans, though, we count on it going away eventually.  This usually happens in the teen years, when humans start questioning all sorts of authority – their teachers, their religions, their governments… and especially their parents.  We hear about it all the time, teens rebelling for no reason, driving parents nuts with their sullenness or anger.  “It’s a phase.”  Right?

Well in your case, no, it’s more than a phase.  You have some real problems about your father, and about your parents’ marriage.  And it drives you nuts that you haven’t been able to solve them.

And here’s the awful news.  Most likely, you can’t. 

Your mother has chosen to stay in this relationship, for whatever reasons she has.  And whether it’s due to his creating fear of him hurting himself, or just because she feels she doesn’t deserve (or can’t get) something better, that has kept this dynamic going.

But you do have a job here.  The job every person has in their family.  The job of making a life that’s better than the one you were born into.

In many cases, parents work terribly hard at jobs they hate so they can send their children to school to get better and better-paying jobs.  In others, parents dream of their kids living healthier lives than theirs. 

In your case, your job is to find – and create – better relationships than this. 

I promise you, all men aren’t like your dad.  (At the very least, I can tell you that my human, Handsome, is kind and generous to a fault, especially to me!)  There are men out there who are kind and nurturing and loyal and want nothing more than to make their partners and children happy. 

In fact… are you sitting down?…  MOST men are like that!

Your job – and it might be a lifelong struggle – will be to build relationships with men that aren’t like your parents’ marriage.  It won’t be easy.  You’ll find a guy who seems great and then for some reason starts acting just like your dad.  Can you change him?  Or do you have to leave?  You’ll have to decide those things for yourself.  (And just to be clear, even if you end up having romantic/sexual relationships with women instead, you will still have many other kinds of relationships with men – as coworkers, as neighbors, as family, maybe your sons!)

But no matter what, I promise you, a better life lies ahead.  And as you create it, your mother will watch you and, even if she can’t say it in words, her heart will be so happy to see what you accomplish.  And who knows, maybe over time your creating a better life might even inspire your dad to change his ways, at least a little.

It’s happened before!

So go forward with hope and love.  You can do this!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when another girl answers his phone

Juicybest asks:

I’m in a new relationship that’s barely up to a month, I called my boyfriend three days ago at night; a girl picked up his call and started asking me who I am.  In the background I could hear him telling her to stop and give the phone back… do you think I should let go of the relationship?

Hi Juicybest –

Okay, as a dog I have a pretty limited imagination, and even I can come up with a few scenarios for this situation:  She’s his sister, she’s his ex who was there trying to win him back, she’s a friend who thought this was funny, she’s… 

I don’t know.  And neither do you.

But you do know someone who does know, who knows everything you want to know: 

HIM!

I can’t guarantee that what he says will be true, but the only way for you to comfortably move forward is to ask him what was going on.

But wait – this happened three days before you wrote me?  What’s he said in the meantime?  Have you guys talked?  At all?  Has he offered any sort of explanation?  Have you confronted him on this?

If you can let me know what he’s said (if anything), I might be able to help more.  But for now, just give him a chance to respond.  Then, if his response stinks… sure, throw him out with the garbage!  But if it’s okay and sounds believable?  Maybe he deserves your trust for at least a bit more.

Good Luck!

Shirelle

0 Is it okay to prefer to be alone?

Scarlett4 asks:

I am taking care of myself, but sometimes I feel like not to talk to anyone, just simply be in my company? Is it bad that I am loving this phase of staying alone manifesting and doing things of my own?

Hi Scarlett4 –

My friend, no one has ever been more social than your friend Shirelle.  I love my human friends, my doggy friends, and strangers of all species.  To me, waking in the morning is an invitation to excitement, my chance to meet, to interact, to jump on and lick everyone possible!

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t also love time alone.  Sitting in the yard watching for squirrels, or just sleeping under a tree.  Or, my greatest love, spending long afternoons and evenings with Handsome, watching him work or playing catch or taking walks or just lying nearby, loving feeling him close at hand.

Everyone needs both – time with others and time alone.  And no two beings are exactly alike.  Some people are called Extroverts, because most of their energy is about (and created by) others.  While others are called Introverts, as they are usually happiest (and charged up by being) alone.  There is nothing better or worse about either.  Politicians and salespeople pretty much have to be extroverts, while authors and composers have to be introverts. 

The only thing wrong with spending your time alone, my friend, is if you do it so much that you lose the ability to be comfortable with others.  So do spend some time in the company of other people.  But if you mostly like being alone, and are productive and happy when you are – no one has the right to tell you that’s wrong. 

And this puppy sure won’t try!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to teach faith to teenagers starting to question everything

OfA asks:

I teach teenagers in church, but recently they have become increasingly difficult to manage, questioning everything. What can I change to make them cooperate? The age range is 14 -16, boys and girls. P.S: I am a mother of two teenagers, a boy and a girl.

Hi OfA –

            I love your question.  Because you’re getting at such an important aspect of the development of humans!  When we puppies are first put on leashes, we have no idea what to do, and fall down, or pull, or whatever, in complete confusion.  But later, as we learn what we’re supposed to do and how leashes work, we start to actively, knowingly, fight against them.  We’ll pull away, try to walk ahead of our people, take the leash in our mouths – anything to feel in control.  That doesn’t make us bad dogs; it’s fully normal and actually a sign of character and intelligence.  Sure, it has to be “trained out” of us, but it’s nothing of any concern.

            Similarly, humans go through two main stages when growing up, when they’re just oppositional as anything.  The first is, famously, around two years old, what’s often called “the terrible Twos.”  That’s when you guys learn the ability to say “No,” and all hell breaks loose.  You become obstinate, demanding, and refusing of all sorts of things.  And if your parenting is good, this is a time when you learn both your strengths and the limits of your strength, the joy of expression and the importance of boundaries.  And you start to get along pretty well with your parents and other authority figures.  And that lasts, oh maybe about ten years.  And then…

            Teenage hits!  After the comparatively healthy experience of childhood, humans get to a point where their bodies change, their interests change, and their brains grow – and suddenly they experience the really odd sensation of being neither children nor adults, or maybe it’s both children and adults.  And they hit a wonderful frustration where they realize that everything they took for granted as children (that their parents are right about everything, that their society’s rules all make sense, that theirs is the only acceptable religion, etc.) might not be completely true.  And so they enter a time of doubt.  Of questioning everything.  And, usually, of deciding that everything they’ve ever been told is actually false!

This period lasts a few years, after which, if all goes well, the young adults start to actually think for themselves.  No longer are Mom and Dad always right, or always wrong, but rather… well, I’ll defer to Mark Twain on this one, who famously said, “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Now you’re dealing with this struggle on two fronts.  First, as a parent.  But it sounds as though you’re managing that one pretty well.  But then, as a teacher in a church!  Where of course your job involves teaching things that are based in faith – which means always open to question!

How can anyone do it?

Well I have one answer – by encouraging just that sort of thinking.  By siding with the doubting, questioning, minds of the teens instead of struggling against them.

Look at yourself.  You sound like an intelligent person (especially as ONLY the most intelligent people join my Pack!).  Have you never questioned the teachings of your faith?  How did you arrive at the conclusions that made you devout enough to teach them yourself?  Your job is to help your students through that process. 

Besides, I don’t know what faith you work in, but doesn’t it include doubt in its teachings?  Judaism includes the story of Job, who questioned how badly his life was going.  Christianity includes Jesus’ times of doubt, as well as countless stories of the doubts of the apostles and saints.  And both of those and Islam all include the story of Abraham’s questioning of the order to kill his son.  And of course the Buddha went through years of indulgence in everything other than the wisdom he eventually learned!

So I’d start with these sorts of parables – how did others in your faith’s history contend with doubt, with questioning?

And then I’d go even deeper.  What do your students question about the faith itself?  For example, in the book of Genesis, there are two completely different versions of the story of creation.  Can both be accurate?  If not, how do you explain that?  What’s the history of the writing of your main texts?  Did they come out at different times?  Who is on record as writing them?  Are there issues of translation?

Do you see what I’m doing?  I’m engaging the curiosity, the questioning, the impassioned teenagehood of the students.  I’m telling them that they’re absolutely right to be in the mindset they’re in.  And as such, I’m letting them know that they’re miracles of creation just as they are… just as your church does!  Doing this gives them a reason to actually accept the teachings of your faith, because it has allowed them room to question, and yes, to doubt.

            Anyway, it’s worth a try.  See what happens.  If it doesn’t work, you won’t be any worse off than you were.

            And if it does?  Well then you’ll find your students saying “I can’t believe how much OfA learned in one week!”

            Best of Luck!  Please let me know how it goes!

            Shirelle

0 How to stop resenting that you always help others

Soumyaguna asks:

I am really happy that I have built myself up and taken away all the negative aspects of my life, and began to be busy in my working schedule. BUT, I am unable to take off the part of helping each and every one who is around me. They just use me for their sake and just vanish. I tried hard to not to interfere in into anyone’s problem but then I end up jumping into them and finding a solution, eventually hurting myself all again. Anyways these are part of life, I understand, but recently I was diagnosed with this weird disease, i.e VITILIGO. I’m very depressed due to this fact, I can’t look myself in mirror and above that I’m all alone in this. My parents just poke me every single day even after knowing, and they just don’t understand my feelings. They just think about their own. At times I feel like not being here anymore, but then I make myself strong and try to overcome it… but now, It’s getting too much for me. I can’t take this anymore, I am aware of the fact that there is no treatment for the same, but then my parents tend to poke and never really miss the chance of hurting me. Being in that state I am unable to stay the way I am. I never used to apply makeup on my skin – everyone used to say I don’t need that – but now I have to apply it to hide the vitiligo scars and my parents blame me for this; they say it’s because you used to see yourself in mirror and such.

0 How to stay positive in a negative-minded world

Katarina asks:

How does one stay positive when everything around seems so negative?

Hi Katarina –

            Out of all the questions you could have asked, about any topic, you have picked probably my favorite!  Because if there’s one thing we dogs are better at than humans (well, besides hearing, smelling, and biting), it’s this!

            Some dogs live in fear.  I’ve written a lot about my friend Aria, who’s suffered abandonment, beatings, all sorts of awful stuff.  And while she’s sweet and loving, and happy in her new home, she’ll always be scared of “worst circumstances.”  But even with that, she’ll never be “negative,” in the way people can be.

            You see, the problem with you people is that your brains are too big!  You remember so much about the past, and analyze it so much, and think so much about the future.  And you create.  You write novels and symphonies and design buildings and computer coding and put your imaginations on canvases and movie screens – all of which is just wonderful.  But that same creativity means you’re always going to be trying to figure out “what’s next.” 

            Now if your life had always been happy and joyous, that “what next” might be wondering what delights will come to you tomorrow.  You’ve always had great friends?  Well tomorrow you might meet someone just as flawless you fall in love with.  You’ve always been lucky and respected?  Then tomorrow you might get a high-paying job you’ll love.  You’ve always been attractive?  Tomorrow you might get even more gorgeous!

            But no one, and yes I mean no one, gets that life.  By the time you’re a year old, you’ve felt terror, betrayal, abandonment, and awful pain (between being born, weaning, and diaper rash, it’s a guarantee!).  Want to learn not to trust those you love?  Experience your parents telling you they’re having another child.  Want to know cruel deprivation?  Your babysitter says no you can’t stop for ice cream.  Want to know assault?  Your doctor gives you a lifesaving injection.

            In other words, things that are perfectly fine, even wonderful, can feel awful.  And your brain, in order to protect you from being surprised and devastated by these things, learns to assume the worst.  And with that, you become pessimistic and overall negative.

            A few years ago, Handsome met a woman and they both liked each other at once, and started dating.  And of course they both had other things going on in their lives.  But whenever he would change a date – “Oh I forgot I have to work late that afternoon, do you still want to meet for dinner” or “Hey my cousin’s going to be in town that day for just a few hours, can we meet another night?” – she would always respond, “Yeah, right.”  Like she knew he was lying.  Even though he wasn’t.

            And because of this, eventually he broke things off.  Not that she was mean to him – she was actually very nice to him considering she “knew” he was lying to her! But rather he just didn’t want to be in a relationship where he was assumed to be lying all the time, when he was actually telling the truth!

            Was she bad?  No, but clearly she’d been disappointed, and lied to, so many times in the past that she had learned to expect it.  She had been programmed into negativity!  Which made her not just believe negatively (as Aria does) but act negatively and thereby create a negative world around her.  She made Handsome, who had felt positively about her, feel negatively, and end their relationship!  And then be on the lookout for other women to do the same thing, so he could get out more quickly if they did!  Yes – her negativity made him more negative!

            And while she’s a particularly obvious case, all people share this.  This is the basis of all prejudice, when you think of it – people learn to believe this group of people is sneaky, that group is dumb, and that group is evil… while there’s always lots of proof that those beliefs are wrong.

            So what can you, or any human, do?  You can’t eliminate your own intelligence and live as much in the moment as a pup. 

            But you can make a choice.  You can choose, more than we can. 

            For example, if you were in that woman’s situation, you could think “I imagine he’s on a date with someone else.  But even if he is, that’s okay, as I’ll see him afterward.  After all, we’re just beginning our relationship; we’re not committed or anything yet.”  Or “He says he’s with his cousin.  Maybe I’ll call and see if I can talk with that cousin!  I’ll just tell Handsome that I want to find out what his family thinks of him!”  And then when Handsome does laughingly hand the phone to his cousin, who talks him up, she’ll know he wasn’t lying.  (Or if he got nervous and said no she couldn’t, she’d have every reason to keep doubting him).

            Here’s the truth – bad luck will come along.  It always does.  You’d be dumb to deny that.  But your life is worse if you spend all your time worrying about it!  Good things also come along, and that negativity can take away the joy they bring.  “Yes I just found a pot of gold and will be rich forever, but I know my friend still won’t return my call!”

            Look at it this way.  You don’t know exactly how long you have to live, but it’s a finite time, right?  Maybe you have ninety years ahead of you, and maybe just ninety hours.  But either way, it will end.  Would you rather spend them happier and hopeful, or mired in suspicion?  And would you rather people know you as someone who spreads joy or someone to avoid? 

            That’s your choice.

            You can’t control fate, but you can control what you choose to focus on.  When I first step out of our house in the morning I tend to stop, blown away by all in front of me.  The smells, the sounds, the sights, the feel.  I’m overwhelmed by all the new, the possible.  While most people rush out their door, griping about whatever is in between them and their car, not absorbing any of it.

            You say in your question, Katarina, that “everything around seems so negative.”  I say you’re right, but the most important word in there is “SEEMS.”  What about looking for the opposite?

            There’s a cold miserable storm outside?  Focus on the fact you have shelter.  You get a flat tire?  Focus on the fact that you know either you or someone else will repair it.  You have no food to eat?  Focus on the fact that you almost certainly will later.  You have no money?  Focus on how you can get some.

            Again, I’m not asking you to be unrealistic.  That storm is cold, that tire is flat, you’re hungry and broke!  But focusing on the negative means things will stay that way, while focusing on the positive enables change and improvement.

             And here’s the strangest thing about this way of living: you won’t be wrong!  For example, let’s say someone you love is ill with a potentially fatal disease.  You could choose to focus on the negative, assume they’re dying, and start grieving now.  Or you could focus on the fact that the doctors give them a 20% chance of survival, and do anything you can to help make that happen.  Now what will happen if they die?  Will you be “wrong?”  Nope.  You’ll still be right.  You had focused on hope, and now they’re truly gone.  And you can grieve your heart out.  But their last days alive were better because you were full of love and hope and appreciation.

            Katarina I’m not saying this is easy.  It’s not.  But it is, I truly believe, the best way to live. 

            It sure works for me!

            Wishing you the very best,

            Shirelle

0 How to heal emotional trauma in the body

Scarlett4 asks:

I am still single, and my ex-boyfriend got married to a girl of his mother’s choice and now doing all the things that I shared him that we will do after our wedding. He even stole our honeymoon spot — I felt bad, I tried to cry but I couldn’t. And now I am getting many proposals but I am not interested in any of them, so I have rejected everyone. Instead I am only investing time on myself, so lately I was working with my chakras. My throat chakra was blocked due to some reason but yesterday some incident happened which forced me to speak for myself if someone is going against my will. Yesterday one of my friends took me for a ride but while returning, instead of going towards my home, he was taking me out of the city. I shouted and asked him to turn the bike back. That scared me and I felt like crying but couldn’t cry this time also. I need to cry this all out of me.  Please help me get rid of all the heaviness on my heart.

Hi Scarlett4 –

What you’re describing can happen to anyone.  Even a dog (though it’s rare).  Trauma can set in to a particular part of the body, and render it painful, numb, or (as in your case) inactive.  Now the good news is that your situation isn’t so strong that you can’t speak at all (which has happened to victims of assault or war trauma), just that you can’t cry out what you need to.

There’s no perfect cure for this, though time will almost certainly change things.  For example, I know a man who had a similar inability to cry, and struggled through everything from psychotherapy to acting classes working on it, until his dog died.  He then cried for nearly six months straight (From what I hear, that was one great dog)!

So my first suggestion to you is to not worry too much about it.  Focusing on it and trying to force it will only make the problem worse.  Something inside you feels it doesn’t have the right to let crying out, and it just needs to relax and learn that that’s not true.

But my second suggestion is to calmly work at it from two sides.  First, you can work on strengthening your throat itself.  Maybe just doing a deep-breathing meditation every day, maybe taking singing lessons (or just singing more often for fun), or even trying public speaking.  All these will help your throat get more nimble and freed, so that it doesn’t get too squeezed up by this.

And second, work to free your voice in other regards.  Paint, dance, or especially write.  Keeping a journal is fantastic – write all your feelings down in a way that would make anyone else burst into sobs!  Or write stories or thoughts, whatever feels right to you.

And hopefully, eventually, you’ll find that this starts allowing your throat to let other things out.  Like when you yelled at the guy on the bike – that’s terrific!  Maybe now you can speak with strength when you see someone doing something you find unjust.  Or to tell someone they hurt you badly.

And then, you might be surprised at some of the things that come out.  You’ll intend to tell someone to stop doing something (like stop driving you away from your destination), but other words will come out of you – stronger words.  Like instead of “Hey don’t take me the wrong direction!” it’ll be “What kind of moron are you!  Did you think I was some sort of twit who’d allow this!  Turn around or I’ll have you arrested, you manipulative creep!” 

Ooh, that’d be good, wouldn’t it!

Handsome loves to tell the story of when he first got me as a puppy, and how for the first few weeks I didn’t bark.  He thought I might never be able to.  But then one day, I peed on a rug, and he scolded me for it.  So I started to lick it up, and he scolded me for that.  So I nipped his foot, and he scolded me for that.  Over and over, whatever I’d do, he’d “No!” me.  Till finally I got so frustrated I gave a “rrrRrwOOW!” bark at him.  Sort of a growl-yelp.  And he picked me up and covered me in kisses – he has always said that was the moment he fell in love with me.  Since then I’ve barked a lot, many say too much, but I learned that day that my voice was welcome (even though my first words were pretty obscene!  I was mad!)

We each have our journey with our voices.  I’m sure you cried just fine as a baby, but now you can’t.  That man I mentioned basically didn’t cry between ages 25 and 45.  And I didn’t bark until I was about four months old. 

Your body will let you cry when it’s ready.  Till then, just keep granting yourself the right to your voice, in whatever way it comes out.

That’s what matters most!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 If a person is pushing for my attention, are they actually interested in me too?

Ars asks:

I liked a girl from a very long time ago whom I know about and she also knows about me and over the years I fallen for her. Then one day I confessed my feelings to her, that I like her and I am in love and all, and she rejected me. Now she is showing interest in me – she texts me and even she feels jealous of me being with another girls or hanging out and posting pictures which she doesn’t like. Yes, I had a thought that she is wanting my attention but she even asked for a date with me on a phone call since we are not living too close to each other, and she always asks if I have another girlfriend or not. She also friend-zoned me, telling that we can be friends, but she always complains that I am not talking to her for too long and shows jealous behavior also when I am with another girl, and talks about my interests and… all confusing behavior. Shirelle. is there any chance of a mind change or is she an attention seeker? Please help me out.

Hi Ars –

            So I think I want to restate your question.  Because there is no doubt that she wants attention.  But is that all she wants?  That’s what matters.

            When Handsome was a child, he and his parents went to a shelter to see about getting a dog.  They passed a good-looking one in a cage who was pawing at the gate, trying to get out.  But when the worker opened the gate, the dog backed up, scared.  The worker said that this showed that the dog was smart – he knew he wanted out, but didn’t know whether he could trust them.  Over time, the dog proved to be great, and very friendly.

            Is that this girl?  When you told her your feelings, did she just back up out of initial nervousness, but then, over time, learn to trust you, and then start wanting your loving attention more and more?  Really hoping, like that pooch, to have as much of you as she can?

            Or is she someone who isn’t really interested in you, but likes attention?  So when you expressed desire for a relationship, she (with honesty) said no.  But then, as you (nobly) stepped away, she went “Wait, but I like you being interested in me, and I don’t want you to stop – even if I’m not going to actually accept you!”

            And here’s my bad news:  I have no idea which of those is true.

            But I have a suggestion.  You see, Ars, I’m a big believer that life is only worth living if you take chances for good things.  Especially when the risk is low. 

            Now if, say, you had a crush on a famous movie star, and you thought, “I know what to do – I’m going to break into her home, sneak up to her bedroom, and before she awakens, tie her up, so she’ll stay and listen to me and learn how I love her and she’ll fall in love with me and we’ll live happily ever after,” I might suggest that that’s not such a good idea. 

            But should you ask out a woman you have loved, who’s expressing interest in you now?  What might you lose?  A little pride if she says no?  (Certainly you’d lose a lot less than you would for breaking, entering, and assault of a movie star!)

            In fact, I’d even argue that you’d gain more than you’d lose either way.  If she agrees to date you and is everything you’ve ever dreamt, then GREAT!  And if she flakes out on you?  Then you have the answer to your question, and can move on from this (while being very grateful that you learned this in such an easy way).

            So my suggestion is to go right back to her, ask her on a date, and see what happens. 

            And then my request is to PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

            Best of Luck!  I’m very hopeful!

            Shirelle

0 Will a relationship be doomed due to age difference or body type?

Awerpia asks:

I really love this girl yet I sometimes question myself if I’m making the right decision. She’s 3 years older than me and I sometimes get scared that she might outgrow me. If really she will be able to respect me as a husband rather than like a younger brother. And I ask myself, what if she grows faster and no longer attracts me. That’s one fear I really have and she keeps telling me if I find someone younger she will not hold it against me but I can’t really imagine dumping her. My conscience will judge me. And secondly I don’t even know how life without her would be like. She’s really made me fall deeply in love with her. And of late I feel really insecure about my manhood. My girlfriend always makes me feel like I’m the sexiest man in the world, though I know I’m “not as much” as other men in my “manhood.”  What if she meets other men who are more endowed? She will never appreciate me again. I’m really worried. 

Hi Awerpia –

Thanks for your letter about your two worries.

Let me take on each one separately.

Your first concern, about age, is definitely legitimate.  You two are already facing spending time apart, and girls are normally a bit more mature than boys of the same age, so that puts even more age difference between you, on an emotional level.  She very well may meet someone she likes and feels is more right for her than you, or you might meet someone you feel more right about than her.  Either of these would be normal and, while heartbreaking in the short term, okay for both of you in the long run.

Don’t get me wrong – I love the love story of you two, and would love it to work out.  But there are lots of factors working to make one or both of you look elsewhere, and age is yet another.

On the other hand, though, I’m not all that worried about you losing interest in her because she ages.  As humans get older, the difference of a few years means less and less.  It’s easy to tell the difference between, say, a ten-year-old girl and a thirteen-year-old.  But harder to tell the difference between a twenty-year-old and a twenty-three-year old.  And when we talk about a forty-year-old and a forty-three-year-old, no one can tell.  Other factors will play a far bigger part in how a person looks at that age (diet, exercise, genetic tendencies, etc.).  If you two are still attracted to each other enough to marry in a few years, I am not worried that her age will be an issue after that.  Not at all.

Okay, now onto the other issue.  Your “manhood.”  Men tend to worry enormously about this issue, and I find that only a very few women focus nearly as much on it.  In fact, most women find men’s concerns about it irritating!  It’s not that they don’t care about a man’s size at all – it’s just that there are so many other things that mean more to them. 

Clearly your girlfriend feels that way.  She’s no more thinking about men with larger projectiles than you are wondering “Gosh, is there a girl just like her but with larger breasts?”  She loves you, and has enjoyed her intimate encounters with you enough that she’s considering spending the rest of her life with you.  That must mean you’re pretty much what she wants!

Men also have a mistaken idea that women always want “bigger.”  Not true.  Some well-endowed men have trouble finding women they don’t hurt in sex, or who can satisfy them!  Again, this concept of being rated based on the size of this one body part tends to be something men and boys focus on, not girls so much.

So, as so often, my advice to you is to worry about these things less.  I can’t promise you two will always be together, but if neither your age nor your anatomy has kept you apart yet, I don’t think either of those is worth your concern now.

With love, from a dog whose ears and nose are definitely way bigger than yours!

Shirelle

0 Should one be the “giver” in a relationship?

hey hey peg asks:

I have been dating this guy for 9 months and lately I haven’t been feeling that great about my relationship. I just want to know if I am in an emotionally healthy relationship or not. Since we started dating this guy has stopped texting me first. I am always the one who is supposed to text him first and he has never given me a clear reason for that. Sometimes when he is angry he says some stuff which really hurts me, and he has also blamed me for his anger a few times, even though I didn’t do anything.  But he does apologize when he realizes his mistake. We also communicate less because I am sick of always texting and calling him first. Sometimes I just feel he doesn’t care about me anymore, and it hurts very bad. He also fails to understand that I have problems in my life too; he thinks my life is sorted but it’s not. And lately we have been fighting a lot. He gets mad a lot due to his studies and responsibilities, so I try to understand his moods, but sometimes I feel there is no one who understands me the way I try to understand and support people. I am always so kind and nice to everyone, I always care about everyone, but when I feel alone there is no one to understand me. I have to deal with all that crap on my own, always. I feel like I should stop caring about everything, but no matter how much I try I can’t. I am not like that. I have always been taught to care, to help. I feel confused. Is this relationship healthy? Should I stop caring about everyone?

Hi hey hey peg –

In a way it looks like you’re asking two questions here, but actually I think it’s just one.  If I understand correctly, you’re asking whether it’s right or wrong to be “the giver” all the time in relationships – whether romantic or other kinds.  And my easy answer is: Only If You Want To.

Let me explain. Like most dogs, I love doing things for others.  I love guarding my yard, I love giving Handsome hundreds of licks when he’s feeling down, and of course I love helping out my Pack members here.  I don’t receive anything back for this, and I don’t want to; I just love doing it for the sake of doing it.

However, I also get lots of nice things in life.  Handsome takes care of me and makes sure I have food and shelter and all the love he can give.  And you guys make me feel a hundred feet tall when I’m able to help you.  So it works out.

But in other areas, there is a give-and-take in life.  When Handsome takes me for a walk, I know he can’t stop at every smell I find interesting, but I need to stop sometimes, and need him to be okay with it.  Also, when we greet each other, we shower each other with affection – it’s not just me licking him or just him petting me.  And if one of these situations became one-sided, I’d be bothered.

Like you.

What I see as wrong in your relationship is that it’s all about what he wants at any time.  He feels okay blowing up at you in anger, and then is okay with apologizing when he realizes something wasn’t your fault.  Well what about him holding back on those blow-ups, or even better, checking in with you to see if he ought to blow up or not?  And what’s this nonsense about you always being the one to text first?  Does he never miss you, or wonder how your day went, or just have something he wants to say or ask?

And in the rest of your life, it sounds like a similar situation.  You feel like you’re the one doing all the caring, and no one is caring about you.  Well that’s an awful feeling! 

Now I don’t know that no one cares about you, or that your boyfriend isn’t interested in you.  But it’s clear that neither he nor your other friends are making you feel cared about!  And you need that!

So my suggestion is to do a mix of pulling back on all the giving you’re doing, and letting these people know what you need.  For example, with your boyfriend, just tell him, “Hi, I’m guessing you want some space, so I won’t bother you till you tell me you want to check in with me.”  And when he asks what gave you that idea, just say “Well, you never text me; you just wait for me to text you.  So I figure that must be proof of something.”  And see what happens.

And similarly, when you feel you’re giving too much to your friends or family, just pull back, and give what feels right.  And if someone asks why you’re not doing more, just explain that you don’t like feeling like you’re giving more than they are. 

But there’s one important part of all this, that might be really difficult: try to say these things to these people WITH NO SENSE OF BLAME OR RESENTMENT.  Just be as casual and friendly as you can. 

It’s like when I’ve played fetch with some children who get the idea of fake-throwing the ball to watch me chase after it and get frustrated.  They think it’s hilarious the first time they do it, so they keep doing it, till, at some point, I stop running for it.  I don’t growl or snarl at them, I just cheerfully walk away and do something else, since they’re not playing the way I like.  And that changes them!  They stop trying to trick me.  Instead, they start actually throwing the ball, hoping I’ll be willing to restart the game the way it was before!

And that’s what I’m hoping for for you.  That your boyfriend starts texting you, and stops putting unfair blames on you.  And that your friends and family stop expecting you to do way more than they do.

Except – and I’m repeating my first point here – Except when you want to do more than is returned.  When you want to just give and give and love the feeling of giving.  I sure don’t want to get in the way of that!

Because it feels so good to do!

All my best,

Shirelle