Category Archives for "Questions"

0 What to do when you start feeling more than friendship for a friend

Dhruv asks: My female friend can’t live without talking with me, and she’s not in a relationship (she was but went through a breakup). We used to call each other brother and sister, but my feelings towards her changed and I like her now. I’m so confused what to do? Please suggest something because all I came up with was to leave her and never look at her again.

Hi Dhruv –

Oh this is SUCH a difficult situation for you humans!  For us dogs, it’s easy – we just run up and jump on whoever we like, and if they don’t want us to, they push us away and we go do something else.

But for you, there’s so much fear involved.

Still, however, I think you only have one choice.  (Well, you could do what you’re saying, leave her and never speak to her, but I hate that!).

Here’s the important part.  You know she adores you.  Maybe she considers you a brother (and maybe she doesn’t), but even that’s a pretty special relationship.

In fact, think of it this way.  If your sister (I mean real, daughter-of-your-parents sister) developed feelings for you, wouldn’t you rather she told you, instead of running away?

So my advice is to Continue reading

0 What should a teacher do if they develop a crush on a student

Vanitha asks: I’m 27 and single. Even as a teenager I haven’t ever admired any guy’s physical appearance. For the past 2 years my parents have sought an alliance for me, but its not working. Due to that depression I’m getting attracted to many guys these days. Currently I’m working as a teacher, and now I’ve developed a huge crush on a student. I know this is a wrong thing, but I can’t control my feelings. I want to see him always. Please advise me.

Hi Vanitha –

Your letter brings up a lot of issues, but for me the best thing is your understanding that you simply can’t act on those feelings about your student.  It would be really wrong.  But, at the same time, it would be crazy to deny those feelings are there.

In fact, I think your feelings are absolutely appropriate.

We dogs are born way more developed than you people – after all, we’re usually walking within a few days of our birth, and you guys don’t get started on it for a year.  But once we get going, most puppies develop at around the same rate.  Whereas you humans vary a lot.  Some babies start with a few words, and build their vocabularies, while others don’t say a syllable till they start talking in complete sentences.

And then there are what are called Late Bloomers.

Those are the people who seem more like children, well into their teen years.  Maybe they don’t start getting interested in anyone romantically/sexually till years after their classmates do.  Maybe even their bodies change later than other teens.

And Vanitha, you sound to me like a very Late Bloomer.  It sounds to me like the feelings that most girls start getting around age 13 didn’t come to you until you were in your 20s.  And now you’re beginning to notice men, and are ready for your first crush.

Well, doesn’t it make sense that your first crush is on a teenage boy?  After all, most other girls’ first crushes are.

Just because your body is 27 years old doesn’t mean your romantic sense is.  No, you’re actually going through a teenage experience, much later than most.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  In fact, it’s kind of cool.  As long as you don’t do anything wrong.

Think about it.  Most teenagers want to be able to leave home and stay out all night…  You Can!  Most teenagers want to be able to drink the same things as adults… You Can!  And most teenagers want to be treated as equals by the grownups around them…  You Can!

But as you enter the world of romance, you’ve got a bit of a problem.  What we want is for you to Continue reading

0 Ways to get through grieving a lost love

LittleGirlBigAppetite asks: I broke up with my boyfriend three months ago. The reason for the break up was that I found out through a mutual friend that he had updated his Tinder profile with new pictures. I felt betrayed. We had met on Tinder too but I had deleted the app when things started getting serious between us. Tbh, he was the first guy with whom I had a normal and real relationship. There was no pretense. We would tell each other anything and everything. I got really attached to him in the 6 months that we went out. But when I confronted him about the Tinder thing, he said that he was still using the app just for making new friends (which I know is a pathetic excuse). He also said that as I was still using the app (deleting the app does not removes your profile), he thought I would be ok with him using it. This hurt me even more and I told him to never message or see me again. But the thing is that it’s been 3 months and I still can’t get over him. I feel as if I lost the one guy with whom I was totally comfortable. I miss him every single day and cry myself to sleep thinking that he must now be having fun with someone else. What hurts even more is the thought that he’d been lying to me the whole time we were together. He has tried making small talk with me a few times over text but I ignored him. I really wanna know what I should do to forget him and move on once and for all. Please help!

Hi LittleGirlBigAppetite –

I get questions all the time about how to deal with someone cheating, and you’ve done just what I suggest.  I can forgive a cheater, but someone who cheats, then lies, and then puts the blame on the other … I’m all for walking away with your tail up in the air and never looking back.

But you’re suffering, and I hate that.

Getting over an ex is really hard.  I’ve never had to do it (my only connection as strong as you had with him is with Handsome, a relationship I know will last far beyond this lifetime), but I’ve sure seen it.  I’ve seen Handsome go through it, I’ve seen his friends go through it, and wow have my sensitive ears heard a zillion songs about it!

So overall, I have two big awful truths for you.  First, that you will get over him someday, even though part of you won’t want to, because so much about him was wonderful.  And second, that Continue reading

0 How to deal with being rejected in a one-sided situation

Wolfpack asks: I am in a one-sided situation, but this is happening in a way that everything around me makes me feel like i should talk to her. (I have already confessed my feeling, but i have not been speaking to her much often since then), she has said she does not wants to be in a relationship with me. Help me!!

Hi Wolfpack –

If I’m understanding you right, you told a girl your feelings for her, and she said she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, and now you’re wondering what to do.

The answer is simple: you should take care of yourself, in whatever way works best for you.

Lots of humans get a big container of chocolate ice cream, and eat the whole thing in one night.  Do they feel kind of crummy the next morning?  Sure, but for some reason, doing that helps them move forward.  Maybe you’re more the sort to go out with friends and talk about it, or write a song, or just beat your head against a wall.

Whatever it is, she’s been honest, and that’s a good quality.  And your only job is to do what you have to, so you can move forward, and not get stuck in the pain of that rejection.

We dogs, when we’re feeling that bad, might just go outside and howl up at the sky.  And when we do, we’ll often inspire other dogs to howl along with us, all over the neighborhood.  This is the single best thing I know of, since it makes us feel so connected with others (instead of all alone, the way rejection usually does).

But again, you know yourself better than I do.  Give her the space she wants, take care of yourself, move forward, and who knows – maybe you’ll meet someone better tomorrow, or maybe she’ll even change her mind.  But regardless, you want to be in a strong, happy, confident place yourself.  Which sadly is the exact opposite of where you are now.

And remember, the best thing you can do in life is to love.  So even if it hurts right now, the fact is, you have loved.  And that makes you, and your life, wonderful.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to tell if a new romance is a liar or tells the truth

Wazenga asks: Hi, I met this guy on a dating site, and we’ve been chatting for a couple of months. He broke up with his wife before they got married, and I am divorced. So although we’ve never met, we communicate very early every morning , tea time or lunch time, before we go home, when we got home, talk about what we going to eat, he likes to ask me what must he cook for his evening. He works at the United Nations, always calling me when he gets to work, if he’s not in the meetings… We sometimes fight like any other relationships, but he will call and apologize and tell me that he doesn’t wanna lose me not now or ever. Then he told me that he wants us to take it easy… So do you think I can trust him? And on the day we meet, what/which questions must I ask him in other to be on the right side of this relationship, since I also feel that I do love him so much?

Hi Wazenga –

United Nations?! Wow!! That is COOL!

But I’ll try to take the stars out of my eyes and focus on your real question – which is what to do when you meet someone you’ve created a relationship with online.

Ah, you humans! You make everything so complicated!   We dogs never start relationships online – we always base them on sniffing! And smell tells us a great deal – about mood, history, and even someone’s diet! I’m so sorry for you folks stuck with just words and images! (After all, even those pack members who’ve been here for years don’t know what I smell like – and I’m YUMMY!)

So I think you have one biggest question of all to answer, which is (I hate to say it, but) whether everything he’s told you is true. Can he show you where he works? Introduce you to his friends, or family? And can you do the same for him? (Have to admit, I don’t quite understand that thing of breaking up with his wife before they married – how is that possible?)

Humans, unlike dogs, can lie. And there’s no way you two will be able to trust the other enough for a real romance until you are both sure of who the other is.

So I’d start there. But of course, neither of you will be able to prove yourselves at that first meeting. So I’d suggest you make plans for some time to do all that proving, but then, when you do first meet… I’d say to soak each other up. See what he looks like in 3-D, in person! Listen to his voice! Feel the touch of his hand. And yes, smell him. While you humans are way more thought-centered than we are, you still have gut instincts that can tell you a lot from that actual meeting.

And then? I’d say to talk about everything you haven’t talked about yet! Music, movies, your favorite colors, whatever!

THIS IS SO EXCITING! Anything you talk about will be amazing!

Please let me know how it goes!

Here’s Hoping it’s even better than you imagine!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone you’re interested in wants to hold off on a relationship till has have a job

sassy_tango_tree_ asks: I have feelings for this guy. And he admitted he likes me too. But he told me he doesn’t want a relationship until he has a job. That was okay between us. But then this guy acted distant and I am confused.

Hi sassy_tango_tree_ –

Of course, I don’t know anything about this guy, but your question sounds to me like he’s being pretty straight-forward with you.  He said he likes you but he’s not up for a relationship yet, and then he pulled away a bit.  That makes sense to me.

But I’ll add something else.  I will never forget a very tough couple of years when my human, Handsome, was struggling to find work.  He was frustrated, unhappy, and felt just awful about himself.  And that even led to him caring less about me, finding my enthusiasm and affection (which he normally LOVES) kind of annoying.  It was, for me, the worst time we ever had together.  Very very painful.

But once he changed careers, and things started to go his way, he got much happier, and started valuing me more and treating me better.

You see, he’d never stopped loving me.  But he was in a depression, which meant he couldn’t show and feel his love the way he had before.

And I’m wondering if this guy is in the same shape.

If so, then my advice is to be the best friend he has.  Be the one who’s always supportive, who encourages him when the whole world tells him No.  And if so, when things get better for him (and I’m sure they will), he’ll value you the way Handsome valued me.  And then all that liking he already had for you can explode into what you’ll really deserve.

Which is what I get from Handsome every day:  LOVE.

Best of luck to both of you!

Shirelle

0 What to do with someone who flirts with you and rejects you at the same time?

IntoNothingness asks: There is this senior guy at my high school who was looking for a girlfriend. We have a mutual friend who suggested that he could talk to me and that I was single. So we started talking. We became really close. He even told my friend that he was interested in me and if she could help him ask me out. I also liked him and we both kept dropping hints that we were attracted towards each other. I don’t know how or what happened, but suddenly this guy shuts me out of his life and I come to know that he has a girlfriend. After some time we started talking again and I tried to be a really good friend. He told me every personal detail like a very close person in his life. We talked and flirted on a daily basis but I kept it friendly as he had a girlfriend. He started dropping hints again and then out of the blue breaks up with his girl. Sometime after this, we had a friendly/romantic meet up at my place and he kept being like “you are single and now that I am single, you know…” His hints were very obvious and I really thought that he was interested. Day before yesterday, we were talking and he was being very flirty and the way I was talking anyone could have guessed that I might ask him out and he was also encouraging the conversation. I asked him out and he went completely blank. He literally told me that he liked me a lot but not like that. We were so close and comfortable with each other but things just became awkward. I am fine with the fact that he does not like me like that but what hurts me is that he never felt anything and still reciprocated every feeling and also gave hints. I would have been very happy had he honestly told me that he never felt anything for me rather than fake reciprocating and that we could only be friends. I invested a lot in our friendship and he didn’t even care about our friendship and let things become awkward between us. Our friendship was really special for me and after our embarrassing “asking out moment” I was the one who tried giving it another shot. But now I feel like I shouldn’t have. Am I portraying myself too available or desperate or vulnerable to this guy? Is giving our friendship another shot wrong? What is the mindset of the guy – like why did he do this? Why did he give hints and talk like that when he clearly felt nothing? Was our friendship also fake?

Hi IntoNothingness –

Okay, so I am completely confused.  Just as I’m sure you are!

So this guy told his friend he was interested in you, then started dating another girl, then broke up with her and flirted with you, talking about how you were both available, but then, once you asked him out, said he wasn’t interested in you.

So I see two possibilities here.  And either or both are possible.  First, he’s just playing with you, completely aware that he’s toying with your affections, which for some reason seems like a good idea to him.  Or, second, you’ve been misinterpreting him a lot.

Now you ask a bunch of questions – about whether you were too “available” or not, about whether it would be right or wrong to push for that friendship to continue, about what his feelings are.

But I’m going to suggest that you put all those questions aside for a moment, and instead ask yourself one giant question: given the way things are now, what do YOU want?

You see, it’s like when I was in the pound.  All we pups cared about was someone wanting us enough to get us out of there.   I lucked out and got a wonderful human; others got less-great ones, and of course some others didn’t make it out at all.

But you aren’t in that situation.  You’ll live through this, no matter what.  So while it’s interesting to wonder what he’s thinking, or if you could have done a better job of playing the romance game, the truth is that this guy has made it clear he’s not interested in you, while you’re interested in him.  And there’s a really good chance he’s been playing with your feelings.

So, if you liked yourself as much as I like you (and all my pack members), what would you do?  Would you maybe give this guy some space and see what he does?  Or maybe tell him off?  Or maybe look for a boyfriend somewhere else, and then, once you have one, see if you still want to be friends?

You see, all of those get back to the question of what YOU want.  And letting him deal with his odd feelings himself.  And I like that.

And what if you say “But he’s the only person I’m interested in, and I want to try to make it work with him any way I can?”  Well, then I’ll cheer you on.

But even if you do decide that, I’ll hope that you can keep yourself from saying his feelings matter as much as, or more than, yours.  Sure, his feelings matter.  But yours have to matter more.

They sure do to me.

Whatever you choose, BEST OF LUCK!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone who’s in a relationship flirts with you.

Power asks: There is a girl that I have not met, but we talk, we chat, and she promised to visit me at my place and stay for a couple of days. But she has a boyfriend and she loves him, but also feels some affection for me – and as for me I do love her. I decided to let it go and told her. Its over but she doesn’t want it to end. What should I do?

Hi Power –

You’re in a funny situation.  Usually, when someone is being “two-timed,” the other person is keeping it a secret from them.  But this girl is being open about it with you.  I like that.  But there’s one thing I don’t know – is she also being open about you with her boyfriend?

And that question worries me.

See, if she’s telling him as well, then all is equal, and all is fine.  But if she’s not, then you are being kept “on the side,” while her main relationship is with him.  Which would be fine if you were treating her the same way, but you’re clearly way more interested in her.

Now none of this is a real problem, yet, as you two have never even met in person yet.  But if you did, what would you do?  Would you start to see her “on the side,” out of her boyfriend’s sight?  Because that can become really humiliating for you (or dangerous, if he finds out and gets jealous!).

So look, I relate.  My human Handsome has girlfriends, and while they’re together I’m a bit less important to him.  But he always comes back to me, and he never pretends I don’t exist or that he doesn’t love me like crazy.  Otherwise I couldn’t stand it.  So I just want to make sure you’re being treated okay.

So again, for now, I don’t see any problem.  And if she ends up breaking up with that guy and you two become an item, that’s fantastic.  But I do caution you against becoming something secret and ‘convenient’ for her, in person.  The chance of your heart being shattered is just too high.

Wishing you all the best luck with this!

Shirelle

0 Should a young person pursue wild dreams or follow a practical path?

Lil Chen asks: We only live once and I don’t want to live my life knowing that I wasn’t able to pursue my goals. Recently, I went to the guidance counselor today and teared up thinking how much I wasted my years. I had this principle or value that I should focus more on the present but now that I think about it, the present is like only for fun, or something like that. It’s important but the future also matters. It’s what sets you for life. I don’t know what course to take in college and when they (guidance counselor) asked me what my interests were, all I could think of was KPOP/Entertainer/Singer/Comedian/Artist. But to be honest, that’s what I want. I didn’t want to share it in fear that they will mock me or something. I asked them though that if I wanted to pursue my interest but lack in talent, was it ok or reachable, and they said yes which gave me hope and some motivation. I was an honor student in Grade 11 but now I lost my motivation to study or do things, which is why I failed to reach the cut off for my STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics) courses, some of them (nursing, engineering, etc.) I slept in the exam and I totally regret it. I think my self-esteem was more wounded when I shared my interest to my friends and they just laughed it off and gave me a lecture about the impossibility of that happening. I don’t know if there are times when they thought I was serious. There are times where they tell me if I become one, I should still remember them but then there are times when they say that it’s impossible. I’m confused whether they support me or not. Face Reality is what they call it, but I believe that if I do try hard enough, I can actually try and do it. That could also be the meaning of Face Reality. As long as I am motivated and really want to do it then I can achieve it. Before I used to be really quiet, as in winning the “My Lips Are Sealed Award” in 6th grade for being silent since 3rd grade, and my silence continued till 2nd year or 8th grade. I decided that I wanted to change, so I did and became this talkative and somewhat class clown (girl ver.) in class. Due to that, a lot of people don’t take me seriously and since I want to make friends and don’t really wanna hurt our relationship, I contain my anger and I don’t usually have that kind of emotional or dramatic kind of life anymore. Laugh and smile! So I don’t know how to console people who have problems anymore. I don’t know what to say or if what I’m saying is right. But lately, I keep weeping to myself about life and just about everything. Life is hard but I keep holding on to the saying that if I try hard enough, I can do anything in life. For now, I plan to retake the test so I can have more options (nursing, engineering, etc.) or take exams from different schools (though I don’t want to transfer schools). My backup course is either nursing, architect or International Languages. I tried to repeat it to my friends and family about planning to save up money to go to Korea next year and join voice lessons this summer and keep practicing and also learning Korean on my own. That way I will be able to audition for agencies next year. I don’t think they took me seriously, and I’m not much of a serious talker, so I guess thanks to that I get hurt when they say bad things and encouraged when they say good stuff. Another problem is the age requirement to become an ‘idol.’ They take teens mostly and I’m already 18. If I go to Korea, I’ll be 21. They do still accept early 20’s but its kind of risky especially since I’m a foreigner. Which is why I wished to go back 5 years more so I can actually be more prepared, but I realized what I wanted too late. When I was a quiet person, I was more of “This is impossible” and stuff like that but I changed and I like this change (a little too much). So it will be a slim chance that they accept me as a trainee with my age and all the more I only went back to voice lessons this year while learning Korean all by myself. Another requirement is dancing, and since I want to save money, I want to teach myself, but I also want to get a teacher. Life is hard I know, but I also know that if I have faith and hope, we can achieve what we want in life. I’m also scared to talk to my parents about it cuz last time I told my dad I wanted to be a singer, he laughed at me and asked how can I become one if I don’t practice. I wanted to pursue voice lessons back then again (I took voice lessons before) but I was sad that he didn’t really encourage me to go on. I asked my mom about what I should do with my life and she told me that it’s up to me. I don’t know what’d she do if I tell her I wanna be an artist, and I’m scared of her response. I rely too much on my external motivation and our teacher told us that our internal motivations are more powerful so I want to change that. Am I making the right decision? Or are there more ways to help me fuel my motivation?

Hi Lil Chen –

When you wrote me a couple of years ago, you talked about having a bunch of goals, and struggling to figure out which to pursue.  And what saddens me in your letter is that it sounds to me like you didn’t really pursue the one you wanted the most, but instead absorbed a lot of negativity from people around you.

Here’s the truth: making it as a performer is hard, and rare.  It takes real commitment.  Talent’s great, but commitment is more important.  And you need to loooooooove what you do.

So, right now, I know that you would love to be a KPOP star, but I don’t know how much you love singing or dancing.  And I don’t know because you don’t.  I promise you, Adele was told for years that she didn’t have the looks to be a singing star, Taylor Swift was told she was too young and should focus on her schoolwork… and Psy was told he didn’t look anything like a dancer!

So I’m going to agree with you.  That it would have been better for you to try these things when you were younger, but it’s not too late.  But my friend, this is the time to jump in.  Sure, pass those exams (it’s always great to have a fallback, and even big stars like Emma Watson and Natalie Portman took time off their careers to get university degrees).  But most importantly, START SINGING!  Sing every day.  Take lessons if you can, but sing LOTS. And start dancing.  Imitate the dancers you like best and try to match their moves.  Then, if you can get lessons, all the better.

And if you do this, one of two things will happen.  Either doing this singing and dancing will fill your heart with joy and excitement, and you’ll be ready to devote yourself to them… or it won’t.  And either way, you’ll have learned what you truly feel.

When I wrote you before, I told you I loved chasing squirrels, whether I caught them or not.  The world is full of people who love to sing and dance but didn’t become stars.  Find out if you’re one of them, first.  And if you are, THEN devote yourself to trying for stardom.  And you’ll have no bigger supporter than this pup!

And if you find you don’t love doing those things… oh, you’ll just have to suffer with being (from what I can see) quite brilliant and becoming a great success who might change the world!

STOP WAITING!  THE TIME IS NOW!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should people start to date each other before they move apart?

Wooff asks: There was this guy I liked intensely, but things didn’t work out because we were kids and we both made dumb decisions. Long story short, I kept regretting not talking to him and it’s already been 4 years. And I still like him, kind of. So I heard from a friend that he’s leaving the country, so I decided to just do it. Knock him and tell him that I’m sorry for everything. Sorry for acting like it was one-sided and to let him know that the feelings were always genuine. He told me that it’s okay and we’re on friendly terms. He also told me that it’s funny how, even if the feelings are just apologetic, they’re the same after so many years. But with all that being said, he plans to leave the country and so do I. So getting involved would be dumb, right? It was so fun talking to him, but he gets on very late because of school and I sleep early so it doesn’t really work. I kind of got annoyed when he knocked me late at night and I was sleepy, so I said I’m going to sleep and went off. It was mean but I was hurt, kind of. I understand but also it’s hard. So anywho, he got on for the rest of the week and didn’t knock, I think he was expecting me to. I didn’t, and the patterns keep repeating. It’s pathetic. And now he doesn’t get on at all. My question to you: what do you make of all this, and would it be dumb to get involved? Meanwhile, I was talking to this guy before I talked to the 1st guy, let’s call him Sam. And we were friends but we kind of hit it off and I like this guy but he has a bad reputation. But his story is different, and I honestly don’t know what to believe. So I want to continue just talking and being friends. There’s no point in hurting myself for no reason at all. Right? He’s known as a player but he’s also very quiet so I’m just confused. He’s super-shy so I don’t understand how that works, but also he wooed me in via chat so who knows? What do you suppose I do?

Hi Wooff –

My dear, I’m going to give you an answer that isn’t exactly what you asked, but I think it’s the truth.

I have this friend named Aria.  She’s a very nervous dog, nowhere near as friendly and enthusiastic as I am.  She came from a bad background, and never even learned to play when she was a puppy.  So when her human gave her some toys, she didn’t know how to chase them or pull on them, or rip their insides out, the way I like to do!  But instead, over time, she sort of adopted one.  It’s a little lamb toy, and she likes to just carry it with her when she goes inside or outside.  She then doesn’t do anything with it, just lies by it.

Why?  Because it makes her feel comfortable.  She feels less alone, naked, vulnerable.

And I find that humans, especially when they’re about to move away from home for the first time, often do the same sort of thing.  They’ll suddenly care about childhood toys in a way they hadn’t for years.  Or they’ll suddenly decide they’re great friends with people at school they never really cared about before.

None of these are bad things, of course.  It’s just that I’d tell them to, instead, focus on what really matters.  Spending time with those family and friends who have meant a lot to them.  In order to ensure that those relationships continue after everyone’s moved away.

But one other thing I’ll see people do is to get romantically involved with someone at home.  Right before they’re about to leave and meet hundreds of new people – people who will then be near them and available for hanging out and doing fun stuff with.

Why?  Because, just like Aria and the lamb, they think they’ll feel more comfortable, less vulnerable and alone, when they’re in that new setting.

And here’s my harsh statement, Wooff – it doesn’t work.  The people still feel nervous and alone, even if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend somewhere else.  And then, over time, they get more comfortable with those new people, and almost always (not absolutely always – but almost always) they end up breaking up with that person from home.  Because moving away has changed them each.

So my advice is to Continue reading