Category Archives for "Questions"

0 Should you apologize for someone accusing you of something you didn’t do?

Elsa asks: My boyfriend went silent on me for two days; he did not answer my texts or my calls. We had not disagreed in any way before. I asked him if he had any problem and he only answered that he is fine, and then went quiet. I insisted and politely asked him to talk to me about anything. He promised to call which he didn’t. I was to travel to his place over the weekend; when I asked if he’d be around he just replied that he will be traveling and did not explain anything. I got worked up and agitatedly asked what this was all about. I asked if he was tired of me and immediately he became angry, insisting that I don’t trust, and demanded that he needed a break. It’s now been a week, and we have not talked. I still love him and I really want to know why he changed all of a sudden, if he has left forever, or he needs some time. But at the same time, I feel like giving him the break he needed because I never did anything wrong to cause this, except for the mistrust he claims after I asked what was wrong with him. Please help me. what should I do? Should I call and apologize or should I wait for him to make the move?

Hi Elsa –

I have to be honest with you.  I’m a big fan of apologizing, but I don’t know how in the world you could apologize to this guy – you don’t even know what it was he’s saying you did wrong!  What would you say, “I’m deeply sorry for whatever it is that you’re imagining, even though it never actually happened!”?

Frankly, it sounds to me like he’s avoiding you.  That might mean he’s struggling with getting closer to you (humans often pull away when they start to feel committed – weird, isn’t it!).  Or that he’s thinking of breaking things off with you.

And of course, he has the full right to either one.

But you also have the right to do what’s best for you while he’s doing this.  And my thought is that that best thing is for you to Continue reading

0 Should I give my girlfriend space while her exes pursue her?

Kimwelzzz asks: Currently I’m dating a girl, but we can’t be at peace and nothing is the same because she talks to her three exes, and they told her she took their love for granted and claimed they’ve never loved anyone else like they loved her. Now she feels messed up because she doesn’t know what to do. On the other hand, the same situation happened to me, but with just one ex. And what I did was hurt him and choose her, but now she can’t do the same. Nothing is okay. She’s blaming herself for everything and is going through a lot, so I had to give her space and time but I’m afraid of what she might do when she’s alone. What’s best for her?

Hi Kimwelzzz –

I’m always struck by that idea, that because one person loves another more than they’ve ever loved anyone else, it’s that other person’s obligation to commit to them, and love them back.

I mean, sure, it’s nice to love someone who loves you back, even loves you more than you feel for them (Have you ever heard that old Paul McCartney song about “You gave me the answer to love eternally: I love you and you seem to like me”?!). But the reason to commit to someone is because YOU feel something for THEM, not the other way around.

It sounds to me like your girlfriend is in a very confused place.  As you point out, it’s difficult enough when one ex gives you this treatment, but to have three?!  Wow!

In fact, I think it’s too much for her to handle well.  It’s got to be confusing, even dizzying.  But over time, she’ll have to come down to earth and start to ask herself more grounded questions, like “But who do I want to be with?!”

And in a funny way, you’re making the same mistake, when you ask me “What’s best for her?”  She can decide that for herself; your job is to figure out what’s best for you while she does!

I think your idea of giving her space is good, but you don’t have to completely disappear from her life.  How about Continue reading

0 How to move forward when your boyfriend and best friend repeatedly betray you.

GoldieM asks: I was in a relationship with a boy for a while, but I ended it because I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted at the time, because I was going through a lot. He and I did something I sincerely regret. We were on and off for quite a while, until I founded out he and my best friend had started going out. He told her what we had done and she told everyone. It was all over social media, which made me weak, so when they broke up, and he made me feel so special again, I ended up doing something I regret again, and we went out again. And then he broke up with me and went back with her again! I feel so weak and hurt that I’m scared of getting love and affection from anyone. What do you think I should do now?

Hi GoldieM –

What an AWFUL story!

There’s one thing I really like here, which is that you twice refer to being made “weak.” You’re right – both of these situations (your private life being broadcast on social media, and this guy going to your best friend twice) would take the core strength out of anyone!

Well I have one very simple bit of advice, which might be obvious – to not give him another chance. Twice you’ve gone beyond your own sense of boundaries with him, and both times he’s betrayed your trust (once by talking about it, the other by going back to her). I’m inclined to say you should drop both of them out of your life, since neither seems to care much about your feelings, but she might have a different take on all this. Still, I’d say to give him nothing but air.

But then, you’re right – how can one move on from this?!

It’s actually simple, even simpler than my first suggestion. The fact is you’ve been wounded. It’s your heart and soul, not your body, but you’re just as wounded as if you’d been in a car accident or fallen off a balcony. And what would you do then? You’d go to a Continue reading

0 What to do when your girlfriend treats you differently in front of her friends?

Portpher asks: I am in a serious relationship and I don’t understand my girlfriend. She seems not to care about my feelings. Every time she’s with her friends she behaves in a different way – she seems not to care about the relationship – but when we are together things are fine. What can I do?

Hi Portpher –

I have an answer for you, and it might sound a little simplistic, but it’s because you say you’re in “a serious relationship.”

Now if you were just starting to date a girl, maybe someone in school and it’s the first romance for either of you, and this was happening, I’d say that’s pretty normal, and you shouldn’t worry about it. That teenagers are very focused on their friendships, and for now, that’s her most important relationship, so just live with it.

But again, you say this is serious between you two. Which means there’s only one answer – you have to talk with her about it. The sooner the better.

The question isn’t whether she likes or loves you; the issue is that you deserve to be treated well and respectfully, and she’s not doing that. She’s actually doing the opposite. And if this relationship is going to move forward at all, she needs to make a decision about how she wants her friends to see you two.   If she acts like you’re not important to her, then that’s what they’ll see; if she acts like you’re something great and worthy and relevant, then that’s the message they’ll get instead.

She may not realize that she’s doing this. So that’s even more reason for you to point it out to her. But what I want you to own, most importantly, is the way that it makes you feel. Because that’s a huge part of any serious relationship – working to make the other person feel good and respected and loved.

My human friend Handsome insults me all the time. He calls me all sorts of names, especially “knucklehead,” and even yells at me sometimes (like when I start barking at squirrels when I’m right next to his ear). But every friend and acquaintance he has knows he loves and treasures me. He shows it in every act and gesture.

You deserve that too.

Go get it!

Shirelle

0 Should I date my friend’s brother since he likes me?

Ladyy Spring asks: Last month we were having a birthday party at my best friend’s place and we all got drunk. So my best friend’s brother is younger than her and I’ve also considered him as my brother as he’s 2 years younger than me and I’ve known them growing up. The thing is we are all staying out of town and we are neighbours now. Everything was fine, and we were like loving brothers and sisters until the birthday night we got drunk and lost consciousness, and as I started gaining it back, I realized that I was making out with my best friend’s little brother in my room. I freaked out!! In the morning my best friend came to know that his brother stayed in my room the other night but she didn’t say anything at all she was fine with it. Now for some 20 days her brother has been treating me as his girlfriend – he’ll come spend more time with me, treat me very gently, very loving and caring… But I don’t know how to react to this! I don’t even know whether I’ve feelings for him or not! Is it infatuation??! Obviously not love!! Do I continue?? Do I stop?? I don’t know …but deep down I don’t want to hurt him. And lately I’ve been feeling very uneasy to face my best friend. Should I tell her?? Will it spoil my relationship with her?? From childhood I’ve never hidden anything from her we were always sharing each and everything with each other. I’m so confused!

Hi Ladyy Spring –

What a story!  Wow!

This is one reason you guys should never give us pups alcohol.  We’re wacky enough without this help!  (Plus it’s bad for us physically; it’s often not good for you guys, but worse for us).

So your story is complicated and exciting and all that, but it strikes me that, deep down, you’re asking a very simple question: Your best friend’s brother is falling for you, and you’re not sure of your feelings about him.  So what do you do with that?

Now you didn’t tell me your age, but since you and your friends have moved out of town, I’m going to assume you’re not so young that I need to bark at you about drinking, or worry about any legal issues with the age difference between you and the brother.

So I’ll just stick with the main issue, which is that you are in such a panicked, freaked-out place, you can’t figure out your own feelings!  And it’s got to feel crazy-making that you can’t really talk to your friend, or to her brother, about what’s happened, because of this big missing piece!

So your job, my friend, is to do what I do.  When I’m confused, or have trouble grasping a concept, I Continue reading

0 How to ask someone out when you’re terrified of rejection.

Outcast asks: I think I’m going to ask this girl to be my girlfriend. But here is the thing, I’m pretty much afraid of the outcome. I don’t think I can handle a rejection, especially coming from her. And I know I have to move on if that happens. But what happens if she rejects me? I know I sound negative about this, but someone once told me “to avoid disappointments, you must lower your expectations”

Hi Outcast –

I’m going to ask you to do something really weird.  I want you to imagine the moment of your death.

Not in terms of how you’ll die, or how old you’ll be.  I just want you to imagine that moment when, as we always hear, your life passes before your eyes.  Your joys, your sorrows, your accomplishments, your failures, your loves, your hates…  What do you think will matter to you the most right then?

Of course, I can’t know for sure, but I’ll bet that, when a person (or a dog) experiences that, one of the biggest questions is What Did I Dare to Try.

If a dog in the wild is starving, and tries to steal some food from a wolf, and is killed for it, at least that pooch tried to live, right?

If a person loves movies, and devotes decades of their life learning to be a filmmaker, and gets a movie made, but no one buys it and they lose all their money and have to get another job they’re not that excited by, at least they tried to make it in that world, right?

And if a little bug wants to eat an apple, and crawls all the way up a tree and out a branch, and just as she’s about to take her first bite of it, a bird flies down and gobbles her up, at least she tried to eat it, right?

Outcast, there’s a whole branch of philosophy called Existentialism, that argues that this is actually the meaning of life.  Not whether we succeed, but what we do, what we try, how we live.

I haven’t caught 90% of the squirrels I’ve chased, maybe 99.  So who am I?  I’m a dog who loves to chase squirrels.  And I like being that pup!

My human friend Handsome… well, he’s that failed filmmaker I talked about.  That’s his story.  And he’s still proud of how hard he tried.

And you?  You are completely smitten with this girl.  And because you’re so crazy about her, the idea of her rejecting you scares the daylights out of you!  Great! That’s what love, especially young love, has looked like for millennia!

And I really hope, when you ask her, she says yes!

But what’s important for you to realize is that, if you Continue reading

0 How does my “friend with benefits” actually feel about me?

jillian asks: I’m a 16-year-old girl and I’m really confused about stuff with a guy right now. We have been best friends for years. We dated for a while, and then broke up so I could focus on myself, since I have personal problems going on. Well we decided to stay friends and started to get closer again. Right before spring break we were talking at school at our old “spot” and we started making out, and later on decided to be ‘friends with benefits.’ We started hanging out a bit more and doing stuff we used to do in our relationship. Then we took things further (and this was my first time) and it was nice and all. We both enjoyed it and I’ve been hanging with him and his family a lot more lately too. I told my friends about all this and they say we are always touchy and flirty, and now he’s started calling me cute all the time. Neither of us had feelings for one another but everyone thinks he likes me now, and I don’t know if he does or not. I don’t know how to tell if he likes me, or to tell if I like him again. I really don’t know what to do with this.

Hi jillian –

As dogs go, I understand human language better than most.  Some say maybe better than any other pooch.  But I do get confused by some words.  And one of them is “like.”

I like you.  I like just about everyone I meet.  I like tummy rubs (okay, no I really LOVE tummy rubs!).  I like fresh air and car rides and fire hydrants and flowers and the sound of old big band recordings.

But maybe it’s better to describe a person here.  My friend Handsome loves lots of things (including, best of all, me), but he likes far more.  He likes almost all music.  He likes anyone who returns his smile.  He likes most art.

Now I’m not trying to be silly here, but I’m really asking – this guy has been your best friend, your boyfriend, and now your friend-with-benefits, and you’re asking me if he likes you?  jillian, he’s absolutely nuts for you!  Whether he knows it or not!

By that I mean that teenage boys are very confused about a lot of things, and he might be enormously connected to you but still think his true love is Selena Gomez because he’s had a poster of her on his wall since he was six.  So he might not feel the degree that he really loves you.  But whether he does or not, he loves you, a lot!

In fact, the whole friends-with-benefits thing, to me, sounds like something for people to do who are scared to commit to each other.  And that can make a lot of sense.  Let’s say one or both of you is planning to move away after you finish high school.

The problem with that idea is that Continue reading

0 Should I keep pursuing someone who can’t get over their last relationship

Outcast asks: I love this girl a lot and I don’t know what to do. She said she loves me too, but is afraid of getting into another relationship because the last one did not work out. Should I keep waiting, or should I give up and move on (which I’ve been trying to do for months). I’m always sad these days, and I don’t know if I’m obsessed or if I just love her that much.

Hi Outcast –

This is such a common problem, and it’s always so tough. I guess the most famous expression of it is a great old song by Hank Williams called “Cold Cold Heart” – I recommend you listen to it, maybe a few times. It’s exactly what you’re living through.

There’s no easy answer to your question, because there’s no way for anyone (including the girl) to know when she’ll get over the pain of that last relationship. I do believe that she will, but again, I have no idea if it’ll be this week, this month, this year, or even this decade.

The question I’ll ask you, though, is what you mean by “waiting.” If you’re sitting waiting for her to call you and be happy, then yeah I’d say that should stop. If you mean there’s someone else you’d like to get involved with but are holding back for her, that’s a tougher question.

But if you mean that you’re wondering if you should completely commit to someone else, maybe this is a sign that you’re not ready for that just yet. As long as this girl seems to be what you want, it’s probably wrong to give yourself over to someone else you’re not as interested in.

But my general rule in life is to try as hard as you can, but then be willing to give up and move on. So if it’s possible to give up on a romance with this girl right now, and stay friends with her while you date other girls, so that you can be there for her when she gets ready to take a chance again… that sounds pretty ideal to me.

On one hand, you’ll be happier and be having more fun. But on the other, she won’t feel as much pressure from you, and that might make it easier for her to let herself give you a chance.

And if she doesn’t… and you meet someone else even more wonderful… that’s great news for you, although sad news for her.

Far better if she manages to get over that bad relationship and find out how great you are!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to date someone with attachment issues.

Navyplum asks: I am facing a relationship crisis, as I found out that my boyfriend suffers from avoidant attachment disorder and now I don’t know what to do about it.

Hi Navyplum –

I’m not sure if I know exactly what you’re asking about. There’s a mental problem called Avoidant Personality Disorder, but honestly I have trouble thinking he could have that, simply because he’s your boyfriend, and someone with a full case of that probably can’t be in a romantic relationship.

But if you’re saying he just has attachment issues, that’s different.

Attachment is something we dogs are usually excellent at. It means one’s ability to connect to someone else, and how deeply they do so. It’s not a good-or-bad thing, different beings are just different.

Think of very young children, and how they’ll go through a phase where they’re all smiley and flirty with all adults, and then suddenly enter a time where they hide behind their mother’s legs whenever they meet someone new, and then they’ll suddenly greet everyone by sticking their tongue out at them. This is all healthy and normal.

It’s then equally normal to go through much longer phases in later years. A friendly teenager might go through a year or two where they’re distant and sullen, for example. And it’s so normal for their parents to freak out at this, as though they didn’t go through the same experience themselves (as did Hamlet, Siddhartha, and every James Dean character)!

But eventually, it’s true, people show their real, lifelong personalities. And some of them are really gregarious and friendly to everyone (think of politicians), and some attach super-strongly to one or a very few people, and some are mean and distrustful, and some are just shy.

As you can probably guess, I’m usually a mixture of the first two. I’m deeply attached to some friends, most particularly my human friend Handsome who I can’t imagine living without. But I’m also very friendly (some say too much so) to just about everyone I meet. Although whenever uniformed people walk into our yard, such as the fellows who check the water and electrical meters, oh I am a fierce beast!

But getting back to your question, “Avoidant” attachment means someone who really has trouble attaching at all. They tend to like keeping to themselves, they’re not very social, and have an awful time with intimacy. It’s not the life I’d wish on anyone.

And yet you say he’s your boyfriend. So he’s definitely able to connect with you.

I have a question for you, Navyplum. Has your boyfriend ever been tested to see if he’s on the Autism spectrum? That could explain his avoidance, while also explaining his ability to connect with you. For example, some of the most famous and successful people in the world today (Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, the late Steve Jobs, one of my very favorite musical composers Burt Bacharach) are known to have mild Autism (sometimes called Asperger’s).

I’d see if he’s willing to be checked out for that. If that is the case, modern society has many ways to help him (and you) out with it. But if he’s not at all Autistic, and it truly is an Attachment Disorder, I can only recommend that you both, together, seek out a psychotherapist or psychologist who specializes in this, to help you work through this difficulty.

Either way, you have been, and can continue to be, a glorious help to him, which makes me just say you’re a fantastic human being.

WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO JUMP ON YOU AND LICK YOU AND FEEL ALL ATTACHED TO YOU!

But oh well, I’ll just feel attached from here instead. And go jump on Handsome when he comes in next!

Thanks Again, and BEST OF LUCK!

Shirelle

0 How to win over someone who ‘just wants to be friends.’

Mandip asks: I have been mad about a girl for 5 months. I love her too much. Every single second she is present in my mind. In the office I spend the maximum of my time with her. We also used to hang out. Sometimes she cooks food for me also. She has a boyfriend but he lives 500 km away. Recently another guy showed interest in her, and I can see she is interested in him as well. He is also in a different location (on-site but same office). That’s why this week I also confessed my feelings to her, but she says we are good as friends. I wrote a poem also for her. How can I impress her and get her?

Hi Mandip –

You’re in a tough position. You haven’t done anything wrong, and your feelings are just wonderful. But because you work in the same office, and she has already told you that she wants to be ‘just friends,’ there’s not a lot you can do right now to win her.

Your best bet is to be the best friend you can. It’s going to be very difficult for her to make that long-distance relationship work, so either it does continue (which means it’s a better relationship than you’re realizing), or it will dissolve – which would make her available.

For you to keep pushing right now (say, giving her the poem you wrote) could come off as harassment and get you in trouble with your work, so I don’t recommend that.

But for you to keep being the wonderful friend you are, and in particular to make sure you’re better than that other guy who’s been showing interest in her – those might work out to help her look at you differently.

And although you’re only interested in her right now, your dating other women could help her see you in a more romantic context too.

I wish things weren’t as difficult as they are. We dogs don’t mind it at all if another dog jumps on us and gives us a lick. But you’re a human, with a job, and so I have to recommend you play it very very cool.

But I’m sending you all the GOOD LUCK wishes I can!

Shirelle