GoldieM asks: I was in a relationship with a boy for a while, but I ended it because I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted at the time, because I was going through a lot. He and I did something I sincerely regret. We were on and off for quite a while, until I founded out he and my best friend had started going out. He told her what we had done and she told everyone. It was all over social media, which made me weak, so when they broke up, and he made me feel so special again, I ended up doing something I regret again, and we went out again. And then he broke up with me and went back with her again! I feel so weak and hurt that I’m scared of getting love and affection from anyone. What do you think I should do now?
Hi GoldieM –
What an AWFUL story!
There’s one thing I really like here, which is that you twice refer to being made “weak.” You’re right – both of these situations (your private life being broadcast on social media, and this guy going to your best friend twice) would take the core strength out of anyone!
Well I have one very simple bit of advice, which might be obvious – to not give him another chance. Twice you’ve gone beyond your own sense of boundaries with him, and both times he’s betrayed your trust (once by talking about it, the other by going back to her). I’m inclined to say you should drop both of them out of your life, since neither seems to care much about your feelings, but she might have a different take on all this. Still, I’d say to give him nothing but air.
But then, you’re right – how can one move on from this?!
It’s actually simple, even simpler than my first suggestion. The fact is you’ve been wounded. It’s your heart and soul, not your body, but you’re just as wounded as if you’d been in a car accident or fallen off a balcony. And what would you do then? You’d go to a hospital, or home to bed, and you’d sit there and heal.
And that’s just what you need to do.
Take a break. Take care of yourself – whatever works for you. Eat ice cream, call some relatives you haven’t talked with in years, watch the whole first season of Good Girls, whatever works. But let these wounds get better.
And once you feel strong enough, your job is going to be to, just as you would with your body after those accidents, build up new muscles. But in this case, you’re going to build muscles of TRUST. Pick some new friends, ones you feel you can trust at least a little, and hang out with them. Do fun things, and dare to open up about some of your stuff, and see which of them you can trust even more.
And then, yes, dare to date. Don’t go too far too fast (and you know you’re inclined to let that happen, so reeeeeeeally sloooooooow doooooown, regardless of what your partner wants – if he likes you enough he’ll understand and let you take your time). Because our goal here is for you to start to feel in control in your life, which you don’t feel at all right now.
Imagine a world where, if a friend betrayed you, you could just drop them as a friend. And if a romance betrayed you you could just shut them out of your life.
This is the world you should be in. (Also, a world where these things hardly ever happen!)
But you’re going to have to create it. First by healing from all you’ve been through, and then by building it from the ground up.
Oh, speaking of things low to the ground, if you really want to learn about trust, my best advice is to get a PUP! We are so loyal, and will show you so much trust you’ll learn what to expect from a person. (Plus we’re more fun than ANYTHING!).
Best of luck, my friend. I know this’ll be hard, but it’s so worth it.
Please stay in touch!