Category Archives for "Questions"

0 What to do when someone wants to go further than you want

adds mguire asks: My boyfriend is a little older than me and is ready for more things than I am. He is very understanding, most of the time. Others not so much. He is sometimes very persistent and wants to do things I’m not ready for. I tried to be nice and try something out that he liked but all it did was end up making me feel distant and violated. He was very apologetic and all he wanted to do was make it up to me. I don’t know if I should voice my feelings or just avoid that situation again.

Hi adds mguire –

Okay, let’s get your last question out of the way first:  As long as he stays your boyfriend, you won’t be able to “avoid that situation.”  “That Situation” is called him being interested in you and desiring you, and you can’t avoid it any more than my human friend Handsome can avoid me being interested in food.  If I’m around, he’s dealing with it.

So my wish is that, yes, you voice your feelings.  Big!

But I also want you to do it in the right way.

One of my favorite pieces I’ve ever written (you can find it on the AskShirelle website) is to a question from HarrietteS, about how to deal with a date’s advances.  Now in her case (or, as I explain in my answer, in MY case), this wasn’t a serious boyfriend, but rather just an attracted male.  But my main point remains for your situation as well: it is vital that you realize your rights to your own body, your own feelings, your own wishes.  Sure you love him and want to make him happy, but there are lots of ways to do that (cookies are great!).  And you’re only saying that there are things you’re not ready for – not that you would never want to do them in the future – so there’s no reason for him to doubt what the relationship could sometime become.

The problem I often see in situations like this, when the girl (or woman or boy or man – whoever’s feeling pushed beyond their comfort level) is  able to state their boundaries, is that the pursuer ends up feeling shamed.  Like there’s something wrong or bad in your boyfriend’s desires.

There’s not.  Not at all.

So what I want you to do is to tell him just that.  “I know you want things, and I love that you do.  I love that you’re attracted to me, and want to have these experiences with me.  And I want to make you happy.  But as we’ve already found, if I’m pushed beyond where I’m comfortable, it does awful things to me, and hurts our relationship, and even makes you feel bad.  So can we just slow down?  Not stop, I love your touch and your affection.  But slow down how fast we move forward?”

If he loves you, and it sounds like he does, I think he’ll be able to accept that just fine.

Then, I want you to keep that promise.  So how do you do that?  Well, here are some thoughts:

• Give each other massages. Neck and Shoulder rubs are great, very loving, and quite intimate.  Then you can move forward to other levels – like feet!
• Try taking a long walk holding hands. And then just touching your index fingers together, and then each of your other fingers, for a long time each.
• See how long you can sit and just look into each other’s eyes. It’s okay to blink, but looking away’s against the rules.  What do you see in each other’s face?  How many colors are there?
• Turn out the lights so there’s absolutely no light in the room, total darkness, and sing to each other. Just focus on the sounds of each other’s voices.
• Make up your own ideas of what you’d like to do together, and tell each other the stories. I don’t mean just about sex or such, but like “We ride horses up into the mountains and sleep under the stars, and in the morning a light rain wakes us and we ride through it till we’re both soaked to the bone.”

Do you see where I’m going?  It’s actually fun  to slow things down.  And can be for both of you.

There’s a great old song Handsome likes that talks about this beautifully…

Let’s take it nice and easy

It’s gonna be so easy

For us to fall in love

Hey baby, what’s your hurry

Relax and don’t you worry

We’re gonna fall in love

We’re on the road to romance

That’s safe to say

But let’s make all the stops

Along the way…

I envy you how much fun this ought to be!

Shirelle

0 Should a young woman stay with an older widower?

sapearl asks: I am 24 years old, in a relationship with a 42-year-old widower (which I am not so comfortable with). I love him but he does not trust my love for him, he fears my family won’t welcome him and I might leave him one day. We have stopped taking to each other for a few days now over a minor issue. Recently my family member has been pressuring me about marriage, so I mentioned my boyfriend to them but they didn’t welcome the ideal since he is a widower. They prefer I meet another guy and get married. I am confused what do I do. I already know my boyfriend’s family, we plan to marry in two years time, and my leaving him would break his heart. Should I get another guy? I can’t even discuss the situation with my boyfriend because we are having some problems.

Hi sapearl –

My friend, you’re finding yourself in the sort of complex relationship issue we dogs never face.  We like someone or we don’t.  We might question whether to trust them or not, but our brains just aren’t big enough to have all these competing feelings and opinions.  And as much as we envy your abilities to think and compose and buy groceries, this is one area where I don’t envy you guys at all!

So it strikes me that the key here is to break down the issues one by one.

First, you are “not so comfortable” about dating someone eighteen years older than you, who’s had a previous marriage that ended when his wife died.

Second, he doesn’t trust that you love him.

Third, some minor issue has made you two not speak to each other for a few days.

And fourth, your family is pressuring you to look for another man, not liking that this one’s a widower.

That’s a LOT!

So I want to ask you first, just how you Continue reading

0 What to do when someone feels unworthy of you.

Devikas asks: Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for more than an year now. He says he is insecure that he doesn’t deserve me. I have tried to make him understand that he does, and he tries to understand, but still that thing is stuck in his head. One thing that we both are sure about is that we love each other. What should I do to make him understand that he deserves me?

Hi Devikas –

I’m kind of torn by how to feel about this.  On one hand, how sad that he feels so undeserving.  But on the other, how sweet that he feels you’re so far above him!

Shame is a very normal human quality – the belief and feeling that you are unworthy of love, somehow less than others.  I’d argue it’s almost impossible to find a person who doesn’t have at least some of it (We dogs don’t, but that’s because our brains aren’t as big as yours and don’t have much self-reflection).  But this seems to be a very specific case – he’s not just feeling unworthy in general; he’s feeling unworthy of the woman he loves, and who loves him back.

So I want to ask one big question:

Why?

If he just felt in general, “I don’t know what you see in me, how I got so lucky!” then he’d be saying the same thing my human friend Handsome and I say to each other every day.  But he seems to feel something more.  Which makes me wonder if there isn’t an actual reason.

Let’s say he did something in the past he’s very ashamed of.  Let’s say he has a disease or a condition he hasn’t told you about.  Let’s say he has feelings he thinks are wrong or sinful.

And the only way to resolve this will be for him to take the biggest risk of his life – to tell you about whatever it is.  And find out if you can still accept him – or not.

So the one thing you can do to help this is to Continue reading

0 What to do when your girlfriend or boyfriend suddenly demands more money from you

Leeeee asks: I moved in with my girlfriend and her 2 kids and we applied to buy a house together, but now there are funds that we should pay and we don’t have, so I suggested we wait and save up, and when ready we should apply again, but she disagrees and even told me she will try for the lawyers to remove me from the bond if I’m not willing to sacrifice. That suggestion of her made me wonder a lot! Now I actually doubt the entire buying story, please help I’m lost, am I doing the right thing?

Hi Leeeee –

Okay, this is one of those questions where I have to deal with the fact that I’m only hearing one side of the story.  Maybe your girlfriend has a very different version.

But I can only work with what I’ve got.

If you’re right, that you two can’t afford the house you want, and you say you want to save up for one, and she’s threatening legal action to force you into paying more (or going into debt, or whatever ‘sacrifice’ she’s thinking), then my view on this is…

… You’re In Luck!

When humans get Continue reading

0 How to get children to improvise in their lives

Shirelle asks: According to you what should today’s children do to improvise their lifestyle

Hi Shirelle –

Thousands of people have joined my pack, but you’re the first to ever have the same name as me!  That’s soooo cool!

You ask a very interesting question.  I’m not sure if you actually meant to ask what children should do to improve  their lifestyle, but I like what you said better!

Improvisation is something done in all sorts of the arts, where one doesn’t just do a specifically-written piece, but instead works in in-the-moment creativity to create something new.  Jazz is music formed very often in improvisation (though we also hear it a lot in instrumental solos in rock and pop, or even moments in operas where a singer is allowed to make up a little trill).  And we hear a lot about Improv in comedy, where the performers make up a humorous scene as they go along.

In both cases, while the artist is being fully creative, they’re also following certain rules.  In music, the improviser has to stay connected to the song the rest of the musicians are playing, and in comedy, the performers have to stick to whatever logic their scene has going (so for example, if the scene’s taking place in a library, one of them can’t suddenly decide they’re swimming in the ocean).  The core of this is called “Yes-And.”  You have to agree with whatever has come before, and then add what you can to it.

So while your question might have involved you using a different word than you intended, I think you asked something just great!  How can children learn to play by the rules, just enough, but also feel free to add their own voices and meanings to the world they’re in.

Well, to that I have a few thoughts.

First, kids need to Continue reading

0 How to trust someone who’s cheated on you

Anoushka.1998 asks: I have been in a relationship for 2 years. And I really love him. But during this time, he once cheated on me and never accepted it. That’s the reason I could never forgive him. Now he has become what he is supposed to be but I have become extremely insecure. I cannot blindly trust him anymore. I always feel that he might leave me or cheat on me again. And I try controlling it, but sometimes I burst out. Now something happened and I kind of blamed him that he is doing this things behind my back. He is extremely hurt. And broke up with me. He has blocked me from everywhere and is shutting me off. I want him back cause I really do love him – what should I do?

Hi Anoushka. 1998 –

This is always a very difficult situation.  It’s hard enough to open yourself up and trust someone when they haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s really hard when they have.

Now if there weren’t three particular words in your question, I’d have some very particular suggestions on how to try to repair the relationship.  But those would be based on my believing that both of you agreed about what happened in the past.

What worries me is when you say he cheated on you once “and never accepted it.” 

Okay, that’s four words.  Sorry.  Doggy brain.

Are you saying that he never admitted that he cheated, or that he never accepted how serious this experience was for you?  Or is it that you never accepted it?

It looks to me like you’re saying he didn’t accept it.  And whatever he didn’t accept, I think there’s our big problem.

If a person cheats, and admits it, and expresses regret, then there’s a way for the relationship to move forward, and maybe work out.  But if they deny it, or say it didn’t matter, or some such thing, then there’s no way for the couple to move forward.

I love to tell the story of the time Handsome was in a big hurry and put me in the back seat of his car and slammed the door – on my tail!  WOW did that hurt!  I let out a scream, and so did he – his was something like “OH NO!!!  What have I done?!”  He threw the door open, started feeling my tail to see if he’d broken any bones in it, and then covered me in kisses and caresses, saying over and over how sorry he was.

Now my initial reaction to this was shock – I couldn’t believe he could have made a mistake like that.  But his affection calmed me down, and, now that we both knew he was capable of such a thing, he has always been extra careful with doors, and I’m always careful, when I get into a car, to turn around so my tail is all the way in the seat!

In other words, we both work together to make sure this awfulness never happens again (and it hasn’t, I’m glad to say!).

But imagine if I’d yelped, and he’d ignored it.  Or if he’d said “You stupid dog, that’s what you get for having your tail in the doorway!”  I’d never really be able to trust him again.

So if your boyfriend has really shown that he’s sorry for what he did, and has admitted everything, then you’re probably a little too suspicious, and shouldn’t have accused him of something he didn’t do, and maybe if you call him and apologize, you can work it out.

But if he hasn’t accepted how much he hurt you, then he might as well have slammed a door on your tail – there’s no way you can really fix this, or learn to trust him.  And all this blocking you is probably his way of avoiding feeling guilty about the truth.

And I’m awfully sorry to say it, but if it’s this last one that’s true, the only job ahead of you is to start the painful work of getting over him.  Because he’s working very hard to make sure you have nothing to trust in this relationship.

Wishing you strength and the best of luck,

Shirelle

1 How to navigate a friends-with-benefits relationship

Tejaswani asks: I’m in a friends with benefits arrangement. I’m not the casual relationship kind of a person. I usually catch feelings after a certain point. This guy is not into the commitment thing at all so relationship is out of the picture. I’m a short and plump girl. My best friend is hot and guys are often attracted to her and approach me to get to her. Sometimes it gets just very annoying. So this guy is also somewhat attracted towards her and says that he might end up dating her jokingly often but it hurts. I don’t know what to do or whatever.

Hi Tejaswani –

You probably know that my main relationship is with a human I call Handsome.  He adores me, I adore him, he scratches my tummy, I lick his nose, he feeds me, I protect his home from squirrels and burglars… it’s a pretty great relationship.

One thing both of us were quite weak at when we first met was Personal Boundaries.  I was a puppy and simply didn’t care or conceive of them, and Handsome was a guy who let others walk all over him (or in my case, bite him, chew on him, pull on him, etc!)

Over time, though, we both learned ways we needed them.  I needed his friends and girlfriends to respect my rights, and he needed me to learn not to jump on everyone I wanted to, and at times to leave him quiet and alone.  It was the opposite of our usual crazy-love energy, but it’s made both our lives better.

I want to somehow give you an overflowing bowl of Personal Boundaries!!!

You describe yourself as “not the casual relationship kind of person,” and yet you’re in a “friends with benefits arrangement.”  I see a big problem here already!  Then you explain that you care about this guy, and he isn’t into commitment, and even might be interested in your friend, whom you often see other guys attracted to, even to the point of using you to get close to her.

This sounds MISERABLE to me!

Now I don’t know if he’s just Continue reading

0 How to help special-needs children in mainstream classes

Megan asks: Hi my son has ADHD and he was in a special class last year and his teacher decided that we give his a chance In a mainstream class. My son was so excited that he was going to a normal class, but now I think that it wasn’t a good idea, because the work is getting too much for him to handle. I spoke to him and explained to him that it’s fine, that he should just come to me and tell me that he can’t cope, and then we can make a plan. I think he is afraid to disappoint himself and of what other kids would say. I try to encourage him. I don’t know what to say to him anymore. What do I do?

Hi Megan –

I can’t know enough to say whether this particular school is right for your son. But you do bring up an issue that I think is awfully important, which is what seems to be his embarrassment or shame about having ADHD.

Of course it’s very normal for all kids to want to fit in with their classmates. And I have no doubt it’s tough for him to be in this in-between status, too “normal” for the special class, and too “different” for the mainstream one.  It’s like when I first went to the dog park – I was too new to know how to play with the adult dogs, and too big to play with the puppies – a really frustrating day!

Now eventually I learned to do just great at the park, so that thought makes me think that maybe you should Continue reading

0 How to pursue a crush who already has a boyfriend or girlfriend

ROhit1996 asks: A girl has been living in my house as a paying guest for a month. I like that girl so much, and I think she is also likes me. But one day I found out that she already has a boyfriend. I was disappointed, and tried to forget about her, but I can’t. I like that girl so much I want to live with her as a partner for a whole life. But because of her boyfriend, I can’t tell her my emotions. She told me that she is moving from here in one week, and now I can’t imagine a day without her! I enjoy her company so much and I want that company for life time. What should I do?!

Hi ROhit1996 –

I love it when I get romantic stories like this!  And I know there’s one person who’d love it even more than I would…  That Girl!

Now you’re absolutely right that you need to be very careful about how you treat her.  She’s a paying guest in your house, so it would be awful for you to put any giant pressure on her, or make her feel uncomfortable while she’s a renter.

But there’s the great news… she’s moving out in a week!  So you can tell her exactly how you feel, with no problem!

And here’s the thing that strikes me.  She’s been there a month, and you completely fell for her, without knowing she had a boyfriend.  Well unless you truly fell in love at first sight, this makes me think he’s not all that big a part of her life!  Maybe they’re dating, but she doesn’t talk about him or bring him around much, and you weren’t seeing him showing up at the door with bulging muscles and bouquets of flowers and a fancy convertible…

Which makes me think she’s not all that  attached!

And you don’t need to say all that stuff about what you’re doing the rest of your life, or even be full-on romantic.  Just say that Continue reading

0 What to do when one of you wants to marry sooner than the other.

Free pack asks: Hi I am in love with this guy who is 23 and I am 25. He has commitment issues . When I told him that I wanna marry him by within two years, he said no he cannot, he has ambitions and wants to settle down first, but he cannot let me go. He also said three years, but still he is scared of the marriage thing. His parents like me and they don’t want him to let me go . But he surrounds himself with stupid things. Now there is a lot of negativity between us, and I am insecure about what would happen if he walks out of my life. We really love each other, but we both are scared of our age difference. We’ve dated for a year.

Hi Free pack –

So you know how people talk about “human years” and “dog years?”  They say we dogs age seven years every time you age one?  Well, if you ask a veterinarian, they’ll tell you that’s not exactly right.  Actually dogs mature much faster than humans in our first years, and then it slows down quite a bit.  So a one year old dog is maybe like a twelve-year-old human.  But still, a twelve-year-old dog is like an eighty-year-old human.

I’m saying this to point out how “relative” the difference of a year or two can be.  If you’re talking about a four-year-old human and a six-year-old, that’s a big difference.  Especially if the younger one’s a boy and the older is a girl, since girl children mature more quickly than boys.

But the difference between a 20-year-old and a 22-year-old?  Not quite as much.  And a 30-year-old and a 32-year-old?  Even less.

And an 80-year-old and an 82-year-old?  Who can tell!

The fact is, the age difference between you and your boyfriend is pretty much meaningless.  Today, you might still be a bit more mature than he is, but if you stay together a while, you two will just become The Couple You Are; the important years will be your years together, not the couple of years you lived before he did.

What’s much more important to me is the fact that you want to marry now and he doesn’t yet.  That’s a real difference!

It’s not that one of you is right and the other is wrong, but that you are on different schedules.

But I will ask you, why is it so important to get married in two years?  If you were older and wanted children right away, that would make sense to me.  But as it is, if he tells you he wants to stay with you, what’s wrong with waiting that extra year?  (You may have a very good answer to that question; I’m just asking it).

I think the big job is for you and he to talk very openly about what you want.  Is he as committed to this relationship as you want him to be?  Is he sure what he wants?  And what is it that you want from a future marriage, and when?

I think if you two talk those things out, you’ll get a much better sense of what’s right (or not) in the relationship, and be able to figure out what needs your work.

And here’s the funny part – if you have that conversation, it’ll actually make you both more mature adults.  Which will make your age difference matter even less!!

Best of luck!

Shirelle