Category Archives for "Questions"

0 When and how to tell someone you love them

PERFECTION asks: Right now I have this never ending urge, to let this girl I love feel I truly love her, to let her know I am here for her. Sometimes I think am I pushing things too fast. But I can’t stop my feelings from growing and showing my love to her. Is it normal to feel that way? And would it be a good idea if I were to tell her today or someday that “I love her,” or should I just let my actions speak for themselves?

Hi PERFECTION –

This is one of those issues where we dogs just have to roll our eyes a bit, and remember that we love you humans.  Because we just don’t get it!  We jump on people and dogs we’ve just met and shower them with love, and let them know that we’re crazy about them – at least for that second – and don’t know how to be any other way.

And we always like being told that we’re loved too!  Even dogs who’ve been abused, and can’t have people run up and hug them, love getting that love in milder ways (like kind words or treats!).

But you guys are different.  Humans can get scared from someone saying they love you, and feel pressured or misunderstood.  So your question is legitimate and smart.  And very hard to answer.

Because the answer is all about HER.  Just as I love getting hugs at first sight, and my friend Aria screams in terror if someone tries that, I don’t know what this wonderful lady tolerates or hopes for.

So I think your job is to find out more about Continue reading

0 Should one date someone older?

Cielo asks: Is it okay to date a man older than me by 11 years?

Hi Cielo –

I have two different answers to your question.  The first is, in many places, a legal one.  At least where I live, it’s actually against the law for someone under eighteen years of age to have any sort of sexual contact with someone that much older than them.  And while you’re only asking about dating, I know you humans, and one thing often leads to another…!  So when you ask if it’s “okay,” in this regard it’s definitely not.  (Though of course I have no idea how old you are; if you’re even eighteen years and five minutes, then it’s just fine legally).

But my second answer comes more from the idea of “okay” meaning “a good idea.”  And here, I’m going to get way more mathematical than dogs usually do!

Let’s say that a person usually isn’t really interested in “dating,” in the sense of romance that can lead to something physical or committed, until they’re at least twelve years old (I realize that might not always be true, but just for the sake of argument, I’ll pick that number).  So a thirteen-year-old boy is just one-year-old as a “Dater.”  Does that make sense?

What I’m getting at is that we don’t want to have too gigantic an age difference in a romance, in terms of “dating years.”  I’m going to suggest we try to keep it to Continue reading

0 How to choose between the unloving person you’re more drawn to and the loving one you’re not.

Baby girl asks: I’m already engaged to a man, and had a child with him, but I’m really in love with another guy, who doesn’t love me as I do him, though it seems he is not capable to love. Despite the new guy’s promise to love me, to care for me and to marry me in two years, his actions don’t match his sweet words. He used to hurt me often, tells me it’s over between us and then comes back to me for apologies again. He seems to talk without thinking of my emotions. And I don’t think I can live without this guy! Please advise me what can I do to make him love me, and what can I about to the other guy whose daughter I have.

Hi Baby girl –

So I have to admit, my mind first goes to two people here – this fiancée of yours, and the child you two have.  While I’m all for the joys of love, I don’t see you thinking much about how all this will affect them.  And how it would be for you to leave your daughter, or have to share her with him.

But even if it weren’t for those issues, I’m very concerned about this new guy.  There’s an old line “Actions speak louder than words.”  That means that people show who they truly are by what they do, not what they say.  And this guy is showing a lot of things that are just rotten!  So much so that I can imagine a lot of readers here saying “What in the world does she want him for?!”

Well, I have a thought.  Have you ever learned about Behavioral Psychology?  That’s the stuff where they put a rat or a dog in a cage, and train it to do things by feeding or shocking it?  One thing they’ve learned well is that an animal will do what you want a lot of the time if you always reward it in a nice way for the behavior you want, and punish it for the behavior you don’t want; but it will do what you want much more if you DON’T always reward them, if you get them a little crazed.  This is why slot machines do so well at gambling casinos – people will spend hours, and all their money, trying to get a jackpot out of a box that only occasionally gives them anything back!

Well it sounds to me like this guy has mastered this.  He leaves you, hurts you, then comes back, and you’re here saying you can’t live without him.

My friend, I’m here to tell you… Continue reading

0 Is love easy with the right person?

PERFECTION asks: I read something today, saying “Love is easy when it is with the right person.” Is it always like that? What about crossing oceans just to be with someone you love? Do some things just have to be won over in order to be yours?

Hi PERFECTION –

Well you KNOW what I’m going to say about that!  For us dogs, love is always easy, unless it’s really the very wrong person (say, someone who beats us or starves us).  So when we meet that little girl, or that older man with no legs, or that active argumentative family… love is SOOOO easy for us.  And I’ve never stopped loving Handsome, and he never has me.  It’s so easy, we don’t know how not to!

But that doesn’t mean that our relationship has always been easy.   The first year or two we had together, he put a lot of effort into training me.  I was a miserable pain to live with (always biting at him and chewing his things up), and he kept making me feel unloved by telling me to do things different from what I was doing.  And there have been times when he’s gotten depressed or focused on other things, and that’s been very tough for me.  And then of course there have been the times when I required more work and attention, like if I got injured or deeply ill, and he found himself devoting everything in his life to taking care of me.  I might be easy to love, but loving me then made his life enormously difficult.

The way I like to look at it, love isn’t a part of life – love is the reason we live.  Whatever our passions are.  If you’re starving, it’s your love of food and living that keeps you going.  If you’re more comfortable, it might be your love of your work, or a cause, or your faith, or… yes… somebody… that you live for.

So if you love someone and they don’t love you back, is it easy to “cross oceans” to get to them?  Nope.  But you’re finding it very easy to love them so much that you would cross those oceans.

And if you find the right person, is it easy for them to love you back?  Well maybe sometimes.  But I’ll bet you’ve seen a thousand movies with a romance where at least one of them isn’t interested in the other.  They’re saying that sometimes it can be a lot of work to find what’s eventually easy!

My friend, love is the easiest thing in the world, and it’s the hardest.  But most importantly, it is all about the souls involved.  No other love is exactly like what I share with Handsome, or like what you feel for that woman you’ve written me about.  But love is great.

So my real answer to your question is that love isn’t easy, but with the right person (or pooch), it’s so worth it you won’t even mind the work!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What are good topics to make conversation with someone you’re interested in

Danish asks: I am very confused about what to talk with this girl I’m interested in, as sometimes I used to be topic-less and blank when talking with her, and sometimes I don’t text her for 2 to 3 days, and I think this is not good because it is very important to spend time with her (at least talk with her) because already we are long distance. So can you please tell me what to talk about with her because we already know basic stuff about each other. What topics should I bring up next?

Hi Danish –

This is so much more common a concern than people realize.  Yes, there are those folks out there who are just great at conversation, and always come up with interesting topics, but most people are a mixture of shy, nervous, or simply unable to think of anything beyond “How about that weather?” or, if they’re aware enough of it, whatever recently happened in sports!

Now there are books out there that give advice on what the best conversational methods are to seduce someone, make them love you, etc.  I’m no good at that (my seduction method is to drop a slobbery tennis ball into a person’s lap and beg them to throw it).  But in terms of friendly talk, I do have a few Continue reading

0 How to get your friend to open up about their feelings

inditan asks: I want to ask you about friendships. I have a lot of friends at school (I don’t mean to brag, sorry!), and my social life is pretty much awesome. I have a few best friends that are really close to me. One of them is a girl named S. The problem between us is that she doesn’t talk about her problems often. She’s my only best friend whom I share all my secrets with, she shares hers as well but she doesn’t share her problems with me. And I’m worried that maybe she doesn’t trust me, or maybe it was because something I said to her. I don’t want her to feel alone when dealing with her problems. She’s had anorexia a few years back and that was a serious issue she hasn’t let go of yet. I’m really worried about her Shirelle. what should I do?

Hi inditan –

Okay, there are two issues here.  And I want to get the first one out of the way first.

I am no expert on eating disorders.  As a dog, I’m always looking for food; but because I’m so active, I’ve never had a weight problem.  I frankly don’t even understand them – why would someone starve themselves, or throw up what they’ve eaten? It doesn’t make sense for a pooch.  But I know these disorders exist.  And I urge you, if you are really concerned for your friend, to get her to see a doctor RIGHT away.  Anorexia is unhealthy for anyone, but it can be permanently disabling, or even fatal, if it develops too far.  So please please please, be a great friend and get her okay… if she’s actually suffering from this right now.

All right, second issue.  I see this problem every day!  My human Handsome is a psychotherapist, so he meets with people for his work, and they talk about problems – always their problems.  Never his!  And sometimes, they actually get frustrated about it.  Even though they’re paying him to deal with their problems and not his!

So your frustration at your friend not opening up to you, especially when you’re concerned that she’s keeping a secret that could hurt her, sure makes sense.

And the only suggestion I can make is to Continue reading

0 Do love letters work?

PERFECTION asks: Do love letters work? I mean do they make a difference somehow?

Hi PERFECTION –

What a funny question!  You’ve written me some WONDERFUL comments, and I’ve told you how happy they make me.  So you KNOW love letters work!

But I’m guessing you’re meaning a different sort of “work.”  When you write me, all you want is to express your appreciation of my thoughts (or maybe how cute I am, which is very very legitimate – Handsome tells me all about it every day!).  But you don’t really want anything more  from me.  But if you write a love letter to someone you’re interested in romantically, for it to “work,” you want it to win over their heart, make them interested in you, make them fall in love!

So do they work for that?

Well… they Continue reading

2 What to do when you’re feeling too needy in a relationship

Ruxar asks: I feel I’m too needy and get upset when my boyfriend makes pointless excuses of not seeing me and it becomes a huge fight. I can’t get over things quickly, so right now, even though we ended the night on a good note, this morning he’s saying he’ll take time to be okay and all that. I just feel scared because last time when my ex fought with me and he said he wanted time, he left me. I can’t eat or sleep right. Am I overthinking or maybe I should just let it be? I feel I’m needy and I want to stop being like this.

Hi Ruxar –

I always have a problem with people being called “too needy.”  I guess I take it personally (if that’s the right word).  You see, we dogs are so affectionate, and so loyal, and care so much about how our people are doing and making them happy.  And some people think that’s just great, and appreciate us for it.  While others push us away, “Ewww, I like cats better, you dogs are too Needy!”

And the fact is that none of us is “too” anything.  Cats are cats, and dogs are dogs.  We’re just who and what we are.

So maybe, if I knew all the details, I’d disagree with you saying that your boyfriend’s excuses are “pointless.”  But I know I dislike you calling yourself too needy, when you do feel that you’re being mistreated.  If his excuses are lies, then how can you be “too needy” by being bothered by them?

What it sounds more like to me is one of two things.  One is that your boyfriend is not being really truthful, and is making you feel like it’s your fault when he lies or covers things up.

Have you ever heard the term “gaslighting?”  it comes from a famous play of many years ago, where a man works to convince his wife that she’s going crazy.  (It was also made into a couple of movies, and one of them won the Best Actress Oscar, so if you can ever see any version of it, I recommend it!) Now your guy may not be as evil as that husband, but it is possible you’re getting gaslighted, at least a little.

But more likely, he’s not doing anything on purpose, but you just need a different kind of treatment in a relationship than he can give you.  You need more reassurance, more contact, more affection.  While he needs more freedom to grow.  This doesn’t make either of you wrong, but you might be wrong for each other.

My human Handsome and I were at a party last night, and a beautiful ballerina was there, talking about how happy she was with her new boyfriend.  Was it because he treats her so well, showers her with attention and affection?  No, it’s because she’d at last found a guy who was as involved in his work as she was in hers, so both felt free to be themselves.  He wasn’t at the party with her, and she said he might show up sometime later, and to her this was the perfect guy.  Most women would HATE having a guy like that, but she loved it.

Meanwhile, the lovely hostess of the party has a boyfriend who’s out of the country, and will be for the next two years.  They talk every day, and their whole lives are built around each other.  I guess you could say they have the exact opposite relationship, which is just right for them (though I’m sure it’s tough!).

What’s right for you, Ruxar?  Someone who’s there all the time, someone who gives you space but makes sure you’re always secure in feeling able to trust, someone who checks in often to make sure you’re still there?  Whatever makes you feel right, that’s what you deserve.

For me, I just love having my Handsome around, I love knowing he cares for me, and I love going out in the yard or a park or beach and running around and forgetting all about him… till I remember him and run to make sure he’s there.  And he is.  That’s the best.

You deserve what’s right for you, Ruxar.  Figure out what that is, and if you get it and still  feel this anxious, then let me know and we can talk about that!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to handle jealous feelings when your girlfriend or boyfriend talks to others

Free one asks: My girlfriend is loyal to me but she’s talking very freely with other guys? And I’m feeling very possessive and even having anger problems, so what should I do?

Hi Free one –

I can really see both sides of this issue.  On one hand, if my human friend Handsome comes home and I can smell that he’s been petting other dogs, I find that exciting!  I sniff him all over, lick him a lot – he’s just more interesting than he is other days.

But if I’m with him and he pets another dog, I get very jealous.  I don’t get mad at him, though – I just let that other dog know, in no uncertain terms, that that man is MINE!

Have you ever heard that old Beatles song “You Can’t Do That?”  It expresses just what you’re saying.  That (you’re saying) she can’t talk to other guys.

But I think you’re actually in the wrong on this issue (and it sounds like you agree with me).  Because it’s almost impossible for a woman to not talk to other men.  And if she’s friendly, that talk can look like flirting, or even cheating, to you, if you let it.

The only solution I can come up with is for you to talk with her about these feelings, and arrive at an agreement.  Like, say, she can talk to other guys, but she always needs to come back to you afterward, or needs to make sure they know about you.

Jealousy is a strange thing.  It’s all about insecurity.  Although you know she’s loyal to you, when she talks to other guys, it makes you feel like something’s wrong – that she’s cheating, or they look down on you.  If you can make yourself feel more secure, you won’t mind her doing this anymore.

And again, the best way to make yourself feel that, I’m sure, is for you to talk with her about it.  Even if you two come up with some silly signal (like, say, whenever she’s talking with another guy, she waves to you), whatever works.

It’s great that you care this much about her, and hopefully she takes it as a compliment.  Now if we can just get you two to feel happy and secure, everything will be great.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to stop worrying so much about things that might go wrong, when all is going right.

PERFECTION asks: There’s a girl I’m talking with, and she seems to like me back, but I’m scared that one day everything will STOP, she’ll stop talking to me, seeing me and the like. I’m scared that if I stop communicating with her she might forget about me. I’m scared that she might even think I’ve lost interest. I’m scared that all of these will end into nothingness.

Hi PERFECTION –

I can relate to your worries, though I also think you’re worrying about nothing.

You see, just about every day, Handsome leaves me at home alone.  He heads off to work or whatever, leaving me locked in the yard.  And I have no guarantee that he’s ever coming back.  My sensible side worries that he might get sick or hurt, and I’ll be stuck here; my less sensible side worries that he’ll forget about me or run off with another dog.

Now is it possible that something could happen to him, and he never comes home?  Sure.  But if that happened, I know that a friend or relative of his would come over and rescue me.  But is it possible that he could forget about me, or purposely leave me behind?  No Way!

But still I worry.  Because I’m vulnerable in the yard.  There’s no way I won’t.

Now, having said that, your letter sounds downright goofy to me.  No one’s suggesting you stop communicating, but you’re worried that if you do, she’ll forget about you.  Okay, then don’t do that!  You’re also worried that she might lose interest in you anyway.  Yeah, that’s always possible.  She might even decide she hates you, or choose some other guy over you.  These things do happen.

So I’m not going to tell you not to worry.  But I will suggest that you try to worry less.  Because it’s not going to help you at all.

When Handsome leaves me at home alone, I get to chase squirrels, nap, sniff around, and bark at everyone passing by.  It’s a good life, as long as I let it be.

Similarly, you’re doing GREAT right now.  In fact, your worries only exist because you’ve got so much good right now, and you’re scared of losing it!

So my advice is to try to train your brain to Continue reading