How to choose between the unloving person you’re more drawn to and the loving one you’re not.

Baby girl asks: I’m already engaged to a man, and had a child with him, but I’m really in love with another guy, who doesn’t love me as I do him, though it seems he is not capable to love. Despite the new guy’s promise to love me, to care for me and to marry me in two years, his actions don’t match his sweet words. He used to hurt me often, tells me it’s over between us and then comes back to me for apologies again. He seems to talk without thinking of my emotions. And I don’t think I can live without this guy! Please advise me what can I do to make him love me, and what can I about to the other guy whose daughter I have.

Hi Baby girl –


So I have to admit, my mind first goes to two people here – this fiancée of yours, and the child you two have.  While I’m all for the joys of love, I don’t see you thinking much about how all this will affect them.  And how it would be for you to leave your daughter, or have to share her with him.


But even if it weren’t for those issues, I’m very concerned about this new guy.  There’s an old line “Actions speak louder than words.”  That means that people show who they truly are by what they do, not what they say.  And this guy is showing a lot of things that are just rotten!  So much so that I can imagine a lot of readers here saying “What in the world does she want him for?!”


Well, I have a thought.  Have you ever learned about Behavioral Psychology?  That’s the stuff where they put a rat or a dog in a cage, and train it to do things by feeding or shocking it?  One thing they’ve learned well is that an animal will do what you want a lot of the time if you always reward it in a nice way for the behavior you want, and punish it for the behavior you don’t want; but it will do what you want much more if you DON’T always reward them, if you get them a little crazed.  This is why slot machines do so well at gambling casinos – people will spend hours, and all their money, trying to get a jackpot out of a box that only occasionally gives them anything back!


Well it sounds to me like this guy has mastered this.  He leaves you, hurts you, then comes back, and you’re here saying you can’t live without him.


My friend, I’m here to tell you… Yes You Can!  I’ve watched people quit cigarettes, alcohol, and much harsher drugs.  And I’ve been trained not to jump on people when I meet them, which every instinct in me tells me to do.


You deserve someone to treat you well.  And, while you haven’t said much about your fiancée, I’m guessing he would treat you better than this turkey.  And that he’d make a better dad for your daughter – especially as she’s his.


You asked me how to make the new guy love you, but he says he already does.  What I’d rather see is you love yourself enough to demand that you’re treated better than that rat in that cage who starts shaking in madness from being mistreated.  I’d like to see you own the fact that you’re deserving of faithfulness and honor and love.


Again, I don’t know anything about your fiancée.  But I think you’ve told me enough for me to know that this new guy won’t give you what you deserve.  Sure you’ve had fun with him, and he’s exciting and all that.  But would you want your daughter treated the way he treats you?


I didn’t think so.


So of course you should do what you think is best, but my advice would be to kick him out the door, and see what you can do to maybe make your engagement better.  And if that doesn’t work, then maybe to even find someone else.


But wouldn’t it be great for the engagement to work?  For you to find a way to love this guy?  To give your daughter a family?!


Anyway, those are my thoughts.  I wish you the very very best, whatever you choose,


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