Category Archives for "Questions"

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend stops talking to you

Kosi asks: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. For the past few weeks, we’ve just not been ok. He doesn’t text me unless I text him. And when I want to talk about it he makes it look like I’m nagging. We’ve not spoken for almost 5 days now. I see him posting and all. I’ve been extremely sad today. Just crying and trying to understand whatever is going on. Do you think I should try to ask him? Because honestly, I feel so uncomfortable, it’s killing me! My heart aches!

Hi Kosi –

This is really tough!  My simple answer, of course, is to ask him WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?!!  But he doesn’t seem to be answering you when you try to connect.

So I hate this answer, but I think you have to protect yourself first.  So my suggestion is to text him, call him, or best-of-all walk right up to him and face to face… say “I don’t know what’s going on, and why you’re avoiding talking with me, but if you won’t tell me, I’m going to have to stop trying with you at all.  Can you tell me, right now, what’s up?” And if he doesn’t, then walk away.  Stop texting him, stop calling him, and if you can bear it, stop looking at his social media.

If you two had been going out for a month or two, I’d be suggesting this with no hesitation.  But after three years?  I know what I’m saying sounds horrible!  (After all, I’m a dog, so for us that’s TWENTY-ONE years!)

He may have a legitimate reason why he’s withdrawing – maybe he’s gotten some terrible news in his life and doesn’t know how to communicate about it yet.  But whether he intends to or not, he’s hurting you horribly right now.  So he’s got to speak up.

And if he doesn’t, as painful as it will be, my advice to you is to cut him out of your life, grieve the loss, and move on.  (And then, possibly, see what happens when he comes back to you with his tail between his legs.  That’s fine too!)

All my best wishes for getting through this,

Shirelle

0 Should you return to a toxic relationship when you still love them?

Confused girl asks: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of about 2 years and not because I don’t love him anymore but because the issues in the relationship became too much to handle (we fought a lot and the bad times were becoming more than the good). Anyways recently my ex has been all up for getting back together but I don’t think I want to because I am scared nothing will change and the relationship will go back to being too much to handle. And I recently realized I like someone else (cliche I know) but I’m very sure am not in love with this person and I still love my ex way more, but I can’t seem to cut off this new person and go back to my relationship. I honestly don’t know what to do. My ex is someone I’m really comfortable with and this new person is like an adventure. I don’t know if I should pick familiar grounds over something that I’m not even sure will lead somewhere. I’m just 20 and I feel I’m too young to have this kind of problem (Lol). I’ve told my ex I need some me time and that he should move on from me but he doesn’t seem to want to and he’s still all up for the relationship but I honestly don’t know if I want to go back. For one, the new guy is still a factor. Two, the relationship was kind of toxic before and honestly scared if I go back, things will be the same. Three, I honestly want some me time (away from relationship drama). Do you think am being selfish and turning my back on a 2-year relationship for reasons that aren’t good enough? Do you think I should just forget all the factors hindering me and get back with my ex?

Hi Confused girl –

I understand your question, but I don’t know if I can give any definite advice without knowing more.  Though that might be okay.  Let me explain my problem.

There are situations where I can absolutely say “Don’t consider going back!”  Say if he beat you up.  And there are situations where I would say “Oh definitely go back,” like if you had a misunderstanding and he explained it all.

But this doesn’t sound as extreme as one of those.  You just say the relationship was “toxic.”  And that you still love him.  Which makes me wonder – sometimes people actually “fall in love” with the toxicity.  It’s exciting, or gets you obsessed.  And you hate it, but get kind of addicted to it.  Like a dog I knew who scratched so much at the itches caused by fleas that he destroyed his own immune system and passed away!

So it sounds to me like you need to do two things.  First, just Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend makes you stay at parties you don’t like

Bubbles_101 asks: I walked out of my boyfriend’s Christmas party leaving him and our son, since I got totally angry at him. But before that incident told me that we would only be dropping by his friend’s Christmas party to say hi and drop a gift for a exchange gift event. I did say yes but I wasn’t expecting that we would be staying there for too long. Can you imagine being in a party where you only knew their faces but not their names, since you guys are not that close?! You look like a total idiot sitting in a corner while he is having fun. But to be honest I really don’t like his friends (group of friends that were created through groups, more like a gang). Since before I met him he was in a group where each member has a car of their own. They have issues when it comes to pride. It’s like they should be the main heroes of the stories. I did try to calm down but he keeps on telling me to take a bath when I have a lot of house hold chores to do. He knows that right from the start I already told him that I don’t really like his friends but he seems not to care. I even look like a babysitter on that time. So I told him that I would be going home and left. He was totally angry when he got home, like 3 mins after I got home. He told me not to behave like that. He also told me that if I wanted to leave we could have just left. How was I supposed to tell him that when he was having fun and a bit drunk? I don’t think he would like to leave just like that. Yes, I embarrassed him in front of his friends by walking out of the party, but I don’t care since, like I said, I don’t like them and I have no plans of getting to know them. I feel like he prioritizes his friends over me. I feel totally neglected.

Hi Bubbles_101 –

I’m going to say I think both of you are a bit at fault here, and that I think the solution is pretty easy, if you’re up to it.

When I was a puppy, my veterinarian wouldn’t allow Handsome to let me play with other dogs, because I was too susceptible to diseases.  Finally I reached the age where it was okay, and he took me to a dog park to celebrate.  I was SOOO excited!  Maybe a hundred dogs, all kinds of smells, it was heaven!

Oh, except, it wasn’t.

Not one dog there would play with me.  I was the friendliest pup in the world, running up to all of them, and they’d either walk away ignoring me or turn and snap, scaring me.  I felt so lonely and rejected.  Handsome tried to make me feel better by playing with me, but of course, I was used to him – I’d been living with him for months.  It was those pooches I wanted to want me.

But then, as he kept taking me back there, things changed.  I got better at knowing how to approach other dogs, and which dogs to approach.  And eventually I made some great friends I played just as roughly as I wanted with!  That miserable park became my favorite place in the world.

Now you’re not exactly in the same place I was.  I was all set to befriend those dogs, while you’re not so crazy about your boyfriend’s friends.  But feeling left out and rejected and lonely at a party – that part sounds just the same.

So if you’re ever in that situation again, I recommend Continue reading

0 How to help someone who won’t talk about their problems

Danish asks: Why is it we don’t talk about our problems with each other? The girl whom I love, sometimes I feel that she is in some kind of problem, but she is not sharing it with me because of whatever reason. But sometimes when I’ve asked her again and again she’ll share. She is that type of girl who keeps most of her emotions inside. I want to make her feel light by sharing her problems with me. I want to make her feel that I am there for her in her bad times. So what should I do?

Hi Danish –

This is one of those areas where we dogs have a great advantage over you people.  See, when we feel someone’s sad, we can just walk up and lay our head on their lap, and they’ll feel so seen and felt, and hug us and get all their emotions out.

But because you guys are so verbal with each other, you can show this girl the same empathy I do, but she’s suddenly feeling pressured – she has to tell you what’s going on!  And for whatever reason, she doesn’t want to do that just now.

So what can you do?

Well, I’ll suggest you do what I’ve heard my human Handsome talk about with other therapists, which is “Meet the Person Where They Are.”  If she doesn’t want to tell you what she feels bad about, or even admit that she does, let her have that right.

It’s great that you asked her about her feelings, but if she says she’s fine, then act as if she is.  But stay there, be with her, talk with her about other things – all to get her comfortable.  What you want is for her to trust you so much, to feel so good with you, that she finds herself starting to open up about whatever’s going on.

So in other words, you show up and see the sadness in her face.  You ask if something’s wrong.  She says no.  You smile, say okay, and you two go out to watch a football game.  You talk with her about your week, you tell her some sad things that have happened to you or your friends, you get her to laugh, you ask her about other stuff that isn’t so sad… and then over dinner, you ask “So what else has been going on in your world?”  And she suddenly blurts out, “My boss said she might fire me!” or “My mom called me a loser!” or “My best friend is sick and I’m scared it’s serious!”

You see what you did?  You respected her wishes by not asking more about what was wrong.  You talked about everything else.  But doing that got her comfortable enough to tell you what’s up.

Now then, of course there’s the other scenario.  Which is that actually she was feeling okay, she just had that look on her face because she’d been trying to figure out a crossword puzzle!  And your day is still wonderful, and she appreciates your kindness and fun.

But either way, it comes from you treating her with respect.  Meeting her where she is.  And allowing her to not feel pressured by you at all.

And if you can do that…  you just might find she starts loving you the way you love her really soon!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you feel bad

Sazuna6 asks: What do you do when you’re upset? What helps you the most when you’re feeling down?

Hi Sazuna6!

Well when it comes to this, I’m pretty much like any other dog.  I mope around, get listless.  I might howl or whine.  But mainly what you’d notice would be my lack of energy.  I’m normally full of excitement and eager to see what’s around the next corner.  If I’m feeling down, nothing seems all that interesting.  So why bother.

But you humans have other ways to deal with the blues.  Many which I think are great.  Like listening to sad music, or watching sad movies – just so you don’t feel so alone in your misery!

Some people also use substances to help.  Like drinking alcohol, or smoking cigarettes (yucch!), or what makes more sense to me – overeating what they call “comfort food.”  That’s fine, if you do it just a little.  If you do any of them a lot, they’ll mess your life up – often by making what was wrong worse!  Like, let’s say you feel bad because you’ve been messing up at school or work.  And then you start doing something that makes you more tired and groggy during the day – well you’re just going to do even worse at what you were bad at.  Or if you feel unattractive, putting on weight from lots of macaroni and cheese isn’t going to make you happier with what you see in the mirror!

But, again, if it’s in moderation (and I do suggest sticking with what’s legal in your community!!!), a little of that isn’t such a bad thing.

But the best thing you can do, by far, is what I do.  Go to Continue reading

0 Do women and men have to obey different rules in life?

Soumyaguna asks: We have many small fights between us. I don’t want to fight but it’s like whatever he does is ok but if the same thing I do it’s not for him. And if I say that “you also did the same,” then he is like “so u want to do equal equal or what?” And whenever I cry he becomese very angry. He doesn’t want me to cry, but I cry because I can’t show my anger in front of him!

Hi Soumyaguna –

So there are two parts to your question.  One where he believes in a “double-standard,” where there are things he can do but not you.  And the other where he gets angry if you cry – and you cry because you don’t have the right to show you’re angry.

This is a drastic case of inequality.

Now I know what that feels like.  Handsome can get onto the couch, but I can’t.  Handsome can eat the good things on the table, and I’m not supposed to.  It’s not fair, but I love him so much I accept it.

But I’m not a human.  As a dog, I’m something that all of society says is not the equal to a person.  “Treat him like a dog” is a way of saying to take away a person’s rights and make them less than human.  So I’m not offended by this, just annoyed.

But you’re a human being!

Now all cultures have different roles for women and men.  In some, women should keep their heads covered.  In some, men should always walk ahead.  And I’m not here to say what’s right or wrong for those values.  But it sounds to me like you and this man have very different ideas about what you should or should not be able to do.  And this has to get Continue reading

0 When you feel for someone you rejected

Harry asks: There is a girl in my class. At the start of the semester I had a crush on her but I didn’t want a relationship then, so I let it go. Now she is seeing my friend. When I see them together, something happens in my heart. Nowadays I keep thinking about her… So what should I do??

Hi Harry –

Well, I have two bits of good news, and one bit of bad.  Though you already know the bad – you missed a chance to tell her how you felt back then, and she moved on.

But then those good news pieces:  First, you have grown in these months, and now realize you’d like a relationship.  I guess that realization always comes with pain, because the only way to know you feel it is to be aware of the lack of it.  Have you ever heard that old song about the fun but painful moment you suddenly “hate yourself for being single?!”

And second, of all people in the world, she’s seeing your friend.

Well that leads to two new bits of good news.  First, her being with him gives you lots of opportunities to get to know her better.  And for her to get to know you better.  Maybe all your best qualities, which you make a point of showing when the three of you are together!

And second – relationships in school usually don’t last terribly long.  Maybe he and she’ll be together for a few months.  But they’ll change, they’ll get sick of each other, one of them will do something the other can’t stand… and you’ll be right there, ready to help!

So I’m not telling you you’re wrong to be frustrated and disappointed in not having talked to her before.  But think of this pain as being like when you were born.  It was extremely uncomfortable to go through that birth canal (or to be pulled out if your birth was a Caesarian).  But every great experience you’ve ever had – including looking at this beautiful girl – required you having gone through that.

You’ve just had another birth, into a new stage of life.  And yeah it hurts.  But wow, look at the possibilities that lie ahead!!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

1 Is it better to break up before a long-distance relationship or after

meghna asks: I was in this relationship with a guy for past 6 months.. We have always been close. He said he loved me, I didn’t say it back, because I know it is something that is developed after a while. But a few days ago I started overthinking and I realized that in next one and a half years, I’ll be going away for my college, he will be having his own career, and we’d be in a long-distance relationship… for 5 years? Impossible, and breaking up and that time would be way worse than breaking up right now 🙁 So I broke up with him a week ago.. I felt miserable doing this. He is my everything. We both cried for hours together before leaving each other. He is not able to understand that we would be separated later and thinks I’m doing this for no reason. He has been begging me to come back. Of course I still have feelings for him, but should I go back to him? Or should I leave it at this? I don’t know what to do. I’m just a ball of confusion right now!

Hi meghna –

Oh my dear, this is such a common problem!  People fall in love in high school, planning to go to college or university, and this problem is pretty much guaranteed.  I’ve known cases where they actually stayed together through the whole time, where they split up, but got back together when they missed each other and were lonely, and where they ended up going to the same school in order to stay together.

And while I’ve known exceptions, the truth is that, in almost all these cases, eventually they broke up.

And here’s the tough fact – it really wasn’t because of the long distance.  It’s because you’re still young when you’re in high school.  You don’t feel it – you feel so much older than you were when you were younger, and you’re right.  But there’s still a long way to go.  So while some couples do get together that young and stay together, most people change too much after age eighteen to stay with the person who was perfect for them then.

But this isn’t really the answer to your question, is it?  I’m just arguing it might be the most important consideration to include when you do answer it!

If you assume that you and he will change over time, then you have a few choices.  For example, you could Continue reading

0 How to find out the feelings of someone when you were afraid to tell her yours

rvineet_vr7 asks: I need a big favour from you. I loved a girl and proposed to her. She said no and told me she is committed. And after a month nearly she told me that it was a lie. One of our mutual friends liked her. So to avoid any fight she said so, though I was not convinced with it at all. Time passed and after 4 months we started meeting again due to common tuitions. We became best friends. One day she suddenly asked me if I still have feelings for her. I said yes. She asked if my feelings were genuine, I said yes but I don’t care if she commits with me or someone else (I don’t know why I said that too). She asked me for a final time if I really don’t care with a low voice, I said I’ll let her know tomorrow. Days and days passed and I wasn’t able to gather courage to tell her how much I love her. Then one fine day she told me she had been committed with someone for past 2.5 years. And she then left the tuition and me on my own. I was broken. Then I tried my level best to get her out of my mind but can’t. Don’t tell me with time I will heal because it’s been more than 3 years now. We are still in touch as we are neighbors and talk normally as if nothing ever happened. Please man I need a great help from you to revive me back to life because I know she is the best one for me.

Hi rvineet_vr7 –

What a sad sad story!  I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.  And yes, I’d love to see it go a better direction!

I can give you a suggestion, but of course I can’t guarantee it’ll work.

First of all, though, about what’s already happened:  You’re right, you should have told her the truth about your feelings.  But what you did makes sense – those feelings felt so delicate, and you didn’t know how she’d react to them, and so it was really scary.

It’s like when I was in the dog pound and every human who’d come by would look into the cage where I lived with four other puppies, and each time they walked past, not wanting us, it broke our hearts.  To the point where some of us just stopped trying; someone would walk by and the pup wouldn’t even look up.  And even when the human who eventually bought me, Handsome, first checked me out, he didn’t take me then; it was a couple of days later that he came back and took me.

But this wasn’t just another person who you wanted to love you – it was THE one.  So yeah, I wish you’d spoken up, but I get it.

And second – I don’t know that I trust her about this 2.5 year relationship.  She’d already told you it wasn’t true, and that she had just said it to protect your friend.  Then she asked you your feelings – numerous times – and then  she opened up and said it’s real?  Most people in committed relationships are very public about them – they talk about them all the time, change their Status on social media, all that stuff.  And she wouldn’t even keep the story straight?  So I think there’s something else going on.

Now what that something is, I don’t know.  It might be that she’s had someone in her life for all that time who she hasn’t felt all that committed to – and has considered leaving them for you or someone else, but now, since you’ve said you’re not all that interested in her (I know that’s not exactly what you said, but she probably heard it that way), she’s using it as a shield against being hurt.  Or it might be that there isn’t anyone at all, and she just says it when it suits her.

Either way, though, my advice to you is the same:  Continue reading

0 How to avoid hookups on dating apps

Vijjju asks: I joined Tinder but I don’t know what I am looking for! In the sense that I don’t know what I am ready for – a hookup or a serious relationship. I don’t believe in hookup culture, because I’m the type of girl who gets attached very easily, and for a serious relationship, people tell me Tinder is not the place. A couple of guys texted me and they suggested I not trust in some random guys in Tinder as they are there just to have fun, not something serious. To be frank (Don’t judge please) I am very attention craving (maybe), asking for someone to care for me. So what do I do now?

Hi Vijjju –

You think a dog would judge you for being attention-craving?  My friend, you don’t know enough dogs!  We’re all that way!

Well I’m no expert on dating apps, but I have heard there’s another one called Bumble that might be more to your liking.  It works like Tinder, but instead of the guy beginning the contact, it’s the girl who does.  And for some reason, that’s proven to make the site more of a place to find relationships instead of hookups.

I agree that, as you get attached, hookups just aren’t going to be your thing.  Try out Bumble and see if that works better for you.  And if not, ask around about other apps and websites.

But in the meantime, as long as you’re on Tinder, just make sure that you write in your profile “Not interested in hookups.”  You’ll get fewer texts, but the texts you won’t get are exactly the ones you don’t want!!

BEST OF LUCK my friend!  I’m hoping you find someone soon, and it’s all great, and then you start to freak out about something in the relationship – which means you have to write me about it!!!

Cheers,
Shirelle