Category Archives for "Questions"

0 How to tell if someone – who has another boyfriend or girlfriend – is interested in you

Otaku asks: There’s a boy I know who has a girlfriend and has been in a relationship for more than 2 years. But she’s out of city permanently. And now they’re in a long-distance relationship. He and I have been hanging out for few weeks because we’re friends and there’s event coming up . Our club’s organizing it. And there was a time we stayed at our friend’s house and we slept in the same bed and he hugged me. I don’t know if he did that while he was just asleep or it was on purpose. Another time, when he was sleeping in another bed, I noticed he didn’t hug anyone – but he again hugged me and touched my lips the next time we were on a sleepover. So does that mean he likes me? I’m confused. He has a girlfriend.

Hi Otaku –

         Well I don’t know him at all, of course, but I sure have a guess about this! 

         Let’s imagine that I was at that night at that friend’s house.  That my human Handsome had dropped me off there, maybe when he flew off to meet with his family.  And when the night got late, and I got sleepy, I climbed up onto your bed and curled up.  And you got in under the covers… I would absolutely cuddle up to you, soak up your body warmth, and probably give you a number of licks, both to thank you for being there and to make sure you liked and trusted me.

         Then when Handsome came back, I’d be thrilled to see him, and run right into his car, eager to go home with him.

         So would I have liked you?  Sure!  You’re great, and you smelled good, and you let me sleep on your bed. 

         But would that mean I’d have left Handsome for you?  Not a chance.

         So my guess is that you’re seeing something like that.  He hugged you, and touched your lips, because he likes you, and maybe because he’s very attracted to you.  But he still has the long-distance girlfriend.

         However…

         Long-distance relationships are hard, and usually don’t last.  So my big question is

1 Should I leave my spouse for my more exciting ex

Poornima asks: I am a 27-yr-old married woman. My husband is very loving and caring, but I am in love with my ex-boyfriend. He is also loving and caring. We had an affair, and my boyfriend wanted to marry me. We were finding a way how to live together as husband and wife without hurting anybody. But now suddenly he’s started ignoring me. Then I told him one day I was getting a divorce. He started talking with me normally, but he was upset and suddenly not free. When I asked the reason, he said, “I love you but you are with your husband, so it’s very painful for me. Every time I see you with him it hurts. If you would be single, then I would feel comfortable with you.” I am confused, and my husband he is a nice man, so I’m feeling awful about myself.

Hi Poornima –

I would love a lot more information than I have (especially my biggest question – why is your ex an ex?  Who broke up with whom, and why?!), but I’ll do my best to give you an answer.

You have a loving, caring husband.  Have you been together a long time?  Long enough for things to get a little unexciting between you? 

If so, then my guess is that that’s what caused this affair.  You remembered how much more exciting things were when you dated your ex, and he felt the same way too, and then you got together and – wow, it was even more exciting, having this hidden, secret, dangerous romance!

But then suddenly, you made everything more “real.”  You told your ex that you wanted a divorce, and were offering him a committed relationship with you, and he kind of froze.  He got distant, and came up with reasons why, reasons I don’t totally accept.  (I would fully believe a man who said he wouldn’t feel right being with a married woman, and that if she wanted to be with him she’d have to leave her husband first; but he WAS with you – he had an affair with you!  So his discomfort about your marital status doesn’t really ring true for me)

And here’s my big concern.  If what was wrong in your marriage was that things had gotten “stale,” I can promise you, the exact same thing would happen with this guy, over time!

So my suggestion would be to try to work with your husband to make your relationship more exciting, more adventuresome, and yes, sexier!  And if that doesn’t work, then consider breaking up and starting over with this other guy.  But first give your current one a chance – he might just be worth it!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How much investment in a relationship means you should stay

Melaninin asks: I have been in a relationship for a few years now, on the same campus, but when he finished last year things changed between us a lot. He barely had time for us, and all the communication was not there at all. Then there is this other guy; we’ve been friends for a long time, and he has been interested in me and maybe I like him a little. Things got all romantic between us, and recently my guy found out. We made up, but I had to end things with the friend – not because I don’t love him, but I have really given a lot to the first relationship (financially and materially). But lately I have been feeling I made a wrong decision and I don’t know what to do. Even when we talk about marriage and commitment, all he says is that he’s not ready. Neither am I, but the way he says “God knows best” makes me feel he doesn’t have plans for us.

Hi Melaninin –

         As happens so often, I don’t really know enough about your story to give you a definite answer.  But it sure sounds to my big ears like you’re way more interested in your friend, and he’s way more interested in you, than in your boyfriend. 

         It looks to me like you think you should stay in the current relationship because you’ve invested so much in it.  Well, if that’s the case, I have to ask you a weird question: How

0 How to move from hookup to dating

Free asks: So I met this guy a few months back, but became friends with him 1 month ago because he shifted into my line, and all the other people and he became friends. And now we all are good friends – he doesn’t really open up to those people but does open up to me, coz I started liking him since the time he moved in (he doesn’t know it). But then I messaged him one day, and we met outside. No one knew. We started doing it more and more. One day he offered to hookup. I said yes cause I really liked him. Since them it’s been 5-6 times I’ve hooked up with him. I told him I’ve started to have feelings for him, and he said he wants to know more, but then I forgot to raise the issue again. Now since we’re hooking up nowadays (no one knows whenever we hookup), he makes this cute gesture every time, and I love it. He’s cute all the time! I want to date him, but he says that he doesn’t think something like dating can happen between us, probably because he’s a high school guy and 2 elder to me. So how do I turn him to like me in that manner that he dates me?

Hi Free –

So this is right where we dogs tend to get confused.  When I tell you what I do with people or other dogs, it’s very straightforward – I might jump on one person and lick their face, or I bite another person in the leg.  And I might growl and bark at a dog, or jump on them and play-fight for hours, or just sniff their butt and be satisfied and walk away from them.  (And there’s something else that I might have really liked to do with a male dog, but because I was spayed at six months old, I never go into heat, and so that won’t ever happen)

Now you humans have all these words you use that sort-of tell what you’re doing.  Words like “hook up,” and “date.”  Now to my mind, “hook up” can mean to just meet or talk, but clearly you mean more.  I do hear it often used to mean kissing and hugging and such… where all clothes stay on but you’re acting out your affection and desire.  Is that what you mean by it?

And “date” can mean a number of things, but I’m guessing you mean for him to actually take you out in public and go do things together, like see movies or have dinners.  And thereby, to be more “official” in your relationship.

I’m asking all this because I want to make sure you know what I mean.  Especially if I’m misunderstanding you!

But if I have this right, this guy and you are having this fun experience of secretly sneaking out when you’re with friends, and kissing and such.  But when you said you’d like to actually go out on dates, he said no because he’s too much older than you.

Is that correct?

Well, if so, I really only have a couple of comments.  First, the

0 How to make a relationship last

samzy asks: I need steps and advice to build a good relationship with a new girlfriend to make it successful

Hi samzy –

CONGRATULATIONS!  That’s great news!  New romance is the BEST!

And yet…

It’s funny, I’ve never been asked exactly this before.  I get a lot of questions about aspects of relationships, but not a simple broad “how to build a good one” like this.  And I like the question, but I think the answer is in all those others. 

Because no two relationships are ever exactly alike.

In some, you need to figure out how to build trust so the other person won’t suspect things about you all the time.  While in others, you need to figure out ways to deal with your suspicions about them.

In some, you need to learn how to give them enough space to not feel crowded, while in others, you need to learn how to lovingly demand space for yourself.

In some, you need to deal with the other person wanting more physical intimacy than you’re comfortable with, while in others you need to learn how to tolerate their need for moving more slowly than you’d like.

So really, the biggest advice I can give is three things, each of which is always true.

First, always work on

0 How to help a grieving friend

Chica asks: I was really working on myself this past month. I made progress. I gave my final semester and was feeling really good about everything. I am also planning on changing my diet and I have been going to the gym regularly. But there is this one thing that bothers me a lot. One of my friend’s mom is suffering from cancer. It was detected 6 months ago, but she never told anything about it to anyone. A few days ago she texted my another friend and told her everything, as their families are kinda close. She also told her to inform me about her mom’s condition as she can’t go through that pain of informing people again and again. I was numb. I was so shocked and I am really worried about her. We were not exactly close and we weren’t talking much these past few months. I feel really guilty because I was unable to see her sadness under her happy facade. She always seemed calm and content in school. One could never imagine that such things have happened. Shirelle I finally gained courage and spoke to her today. The moment I heard her voice, I knew she was completely broken from inside. I didn’t know what to say except “I am here for you, always” and “You have to stay strong around your mother, you have to be her strength.” She cried for a few minutes. But somewhere I was out of words. I told her that I am here whenever you need me. I asked her if she wants to vent or cry some more, or wants to stay silent. She said she wants to hang up and stay alone for a while. I understood and told her again that I am one call away. Shirelle I don’t know how to face her. It’s a really really difficult phase for her. I can’t even imagine the amount of pain she feels. I really want to be there for her. But I don’t know how I should approach her. Whether I should check on her every few days, take her out so that she relaxes, and also I don’t know what is the right thing to say to her, or is it right to just listen and not to say anything. I am really really worried about her and her mother. Please tell me how I should talk to her because I am afraid of saying anything that would add up to her pain or make her feel worse.

Hi Chica –

Oh I love your heart!  And I imagine your friend and her mother both do too.

I find that there are three, or I guess four, ways humans show emotion.  The one I wasn’t thinking of was to just show nothing at all, to be “too cool.”  But then there’s cruel emotion, showing anger or hatred; there’s politeness, expressing perhaps more emotion than you actually feel (“I’m so very pleased to meet you!”); and then there’s real love.

And the thing about real love – even for us dogs (who never even consider being “too cool”) – is that it always feels like more than you can express. 

When Handsome comes home after a long day, I go nuts.  I bark like crazy, run in circles, jump all over him, and sniff and lick every bit of him I can get to.  And do I feel like I’ve told him exactly how much I’ve missed him through the day, how happy I am to see him, and how excited I am about what might happen now that he’s home?

No way! 

But you know the funny thing?  He still picks up on all of those.  My being so overwhelmed with emotion I can’t find the way to adequately express it tells him exactly what I’m feeling.

And when he looks at me and tries to put his feelings into words, and gets all tongue-tied, ending up just saying “Oh Knucklehead it’s just more than I can say, you’re just the best thing ever and more,”  I feel his love and his frustration, and know I am as loved as loved can be.

So Chica, I think you’re just fine.  I think you’ve said exactly the right words to your friend, and more importantly, you’ve let her know that there are no words that can possibly express your shock and horror and sadness – which really means your love.

As you live longer, you’ll experience this more often.  You’ll feel shocked sadness like this, you’ll feel overwhelming adoration like what Handsome and I have, you’ll experience romantic love, which is maybe even harder to express, and you’ll feel devastating grief at loss, so painful you’ll feel you’ll never be able to get past it.  And every time you’ll believe that no one could possibly know what you’re feeling – but somehow they will.

How?

Because of something humans and dogs share, called

0 Should you go to the school you want to, even if your crush is there and might suspect your reason?

tinamv asks: This is kind of silly but I really want to do musical theatre classes, but the only good school in my area is the same one that my crush goes to, and I don’t want him to think I’m following him or anything because (embarrassingly) he already knows I like him. What should I do? Should I go anyway and ignore if he says anything? He and I are friends now, and I don’t want to like do anything to make him feel awkward. It’s very nerve-wracking.

Hi tinamv –

         I find your question kind of funny, because I think you’re hitting on the two things that most terrify my Pack members – performing and approaching crushes.  Both make humans incredibly self-conscious.  And you’re kind of  talking about dealing with both.

         With two exceptions.

         First, you seem to like  performing.  You’re not being forced by a teacher to get up and sing in a chorus, you’re looking at having spotlights on you while you act, sing, and dance!  In this regard, you are FEARLESS!

         And second, as far as your crush goes, the ‘damage’ is already done.  He already knows you like him.  You’re even friends.

         So you’ve already done the two hardest parts of this.

         The only part left is the goofy self-consciousness all humans are prone to, where you’re imagining the way someone else will think.  And literally considering changing your entire life plan, and giving up on your great dream, because of the possibility your imagination of his thinking might be right!

         So, tinamv, do you know what the word mantra means?  It’s a special word that people repeat over and over, mainly in meditation.  Often it’s in an ancient language like Sanskrit, but you can probably imagine the effect it would have on a person’s mind and spirit if they repeat a word that means “Love” or “Holy” or “Goodness” over and over again for hours a day.  Right?

         Well I’m giving you a mantra.  Just for now.  Are you ready?  Here it is:

0 What to do when someone breaks up with you because they lost feelings for you

Aadarsh asks: I’m in love with this girl. We were in a relationship for the past year. Everything was going fine until last month she said that she wanted to break up with me, saying that she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. What should I do? How can I win her back? I really love her and want to be with her. We have our mentality differences and we used to argue sometimes, but it was never a big issue. She used to always be busy, so I used to nag her to give me time. Could the nagging be the reason behind the loss of her affection towards me?

Hi Aadarsh –

My friend, I am so very very sorry.  I know just how painful this is, because I saw my human friend Handsome go through just his a few years ago.  In his case, in fact, the woman was a bit more clear – she told him “I’m leaving because I can’t stand the fact that you’re perfect for me and I feel nothing for you!”

Before that, any time anyone broke up with him, he’d know something that was wrong.  Maybe it was something he could fix, or maybe it was just something about him that he couldn’t.  But with this one, his head spun for months – how could he be right for her and she feel nothing?  What was his problem?!?!

And there never was a good answer.  Except one – that the Continue reading

0 Should you tell your baby’s father’s family about it?

Cocohh asks: I am 7 months pregnant from an ex of mine who wants nothing to do with me or the baby. Can or should I tell his parents about the pregnancy instead? I could use a little support. Also I have grown up without my father or his family in my life. I would like my child to have both sides of her family in her life. Also, I have a cousin who is claiming to other people that she has a baby from my ex. I am confused as to whether she’s telling the truth or lying, because she was married all along to another guy, and now she is broken up from him and back at her mother’s home. I am so in shock and confused as to what I can do about this. Maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie?

Hi Cocohh –

So okay, I have to start with your final question.  I soooo appreciate people who let sleeping dogs lie.  I’m always snoozing away on the bed next to Handsome, and he’ll roll over and just about tumble me off onto the floor, or he’ll reach over on purpose and give me a scratch or a snuggle, and I really love those things but not if I was right in the middle of a dream where I was catching up to an antelope and about to jump on it and…

Oh wait, you’re not asking about that literally, are you?  You meant to ask if you should just let everything be…?

NO WAY!

My friend, I’m sorry your relationship broke up, but at one point it was there, and this guy chose to do what he did, and yes, there are consequences to our actions.  If I steal a piece of pie off of my human’s plate, I’m going to get yelled at and sent outside.  And he did what he did that resulted in your pregnancy, and, while he doesn’t have to stay with you, he DOES owe you help – at least financial – in raising that baby.

So if he’s playing some game of “I broke up with you so I don’t have to have any relationship with you or her,” I don’t see any reason in the world why you have to respect it.

Or Continue reading

0 How to keep someone

dasalujr asks: What does it take for a woman to keep a man and not lose him?

Hi dalalujr –

This is so funny.  I have answered over a thousand questions on this website, and I think you’re the first person to ever ask me this.  I get tons of questions on how to win someone, or asking whether or not they should stay – but never about how to keep someone once you have them!

Of course, there’s no single all-around answer.  Some men like being treated some ways, and some like others.  And some people are just dog-like in their loyalty, very happy to stay with the people to whom they’re committed, while some are more like lone wolves, almost impossible to keep around.

But there are a few universal truths I’ve seen, on how to keep a man (or a woman) in a Continue reading