Category Archives for "Life Skills"

1 What to do when you upset your mother

saf1 asks: hey Shirelle, I have a huge problem – I always make my mum cry, and it hurts me inside; I think I am gonna kill myself! What can I do to resolve all my problems with my parents?

Hi saf1 –

Of course, there’s not much I can say to help, since I don’t know what’s actually happening between you and your mother.  There are lots of ways to make a mother cry.  I did it by still trying to nurse after my teeth had grown in!

What worries me, of course, is how much this is bothering you.  It sounds like you’re bothering your mother without ever wanting to.  That might be her issue more than yours.  Do you know why she’s crying?  Do you know what it is that’s affecting her this way?  Because if you don’t, then you’re in a really difficult Continue reading

0 How to be a long-distance uncle

Eddy asks: I want to talk to my nephews far away in Australia, but when I call them I don’t know what to say to them. They look so distant and I feel the impact so strongly. It’s as if something is wrong.

Hi Eddy –

Oh there’s nothing quite like being an uncle or aunt, is there!  You’re so fond of those kids, but you’re not their parent, so it’s hard to create exactly the relationship you want with them.  Especially if they’re very far away, like on another continent!  I don’t know how old your nephews are, but there’s a really good chance that you’re right – they are growing in their own world, their own lives, and you’re not a part of it.

Because of this, you have two jobs.  The first one is to find a way to visit them!  And when you get there, to have a total Continue reading

0 What to do when the boy you love insists on kissing

Ritika asks: I am a 16 year old. There was this guy who I fell in love with. We dated for 4 1/2 months and then broke up because I did not want to kiss him. Then he asked my best friend out and she said no. Then after 3 months I started hanging out with another guy, and my ex got jealous and he asked me out. I said no. Now its been a month; he has found another girlfriend and is happy. But the truth is I have always loved him and still do. I get jealous of his girlfriend and cry a lot for him. My best friend doesn’t know that I still love him. It’s been one and a half years since I fell in love with him, and moving on is very hard for me. I just cannot let any other guy take his place, and now even if I have to kiss him to get him back I don’t mind. What should I do?

Wow Ritika!  You’ve lived a lifetime in the last couple of years, haven’t you!

I do have a thought for you, though.  I think the real issue here is that you might find that you actually like kissing!  It sounds to me like this boy is still interested in you, and his current relationship might not last that long.  If I’m right, then my advice is that you jump right in there when he’s available, and ask him out (don’t wait for him to ask you out; he probably won’t realize that you’re Continue reading

0 Who should know about teen pregnancy?

Bambam asks: who will benefit from talking about teen pregnacy and why??

Hi Bambam –

Thanks for your question about talking about teen pregnancy.

But I have to admit, it’s a pretty funny question in a way.  I mean, it’s not really going to do grandparents or monks a lot of good to talk about it, is it?  But there are three groups of people who should be talking about it – a lot!

The first is, of course, teenagers.  Teens need to be aware of the choices they have, the science of biology and anatomy, the laws about sex and parenthood, and most importantly, they need to know the truth about all these things, and not just some silly stuff someone made up for popularity or political Continue reading

0 Why do boys get angry when their girlfriends tell them no?

Sharuz asks: Why does my woodby get angry with me when I tell him no, or I can’t, when he asks me something romantically?

Hi Sharuz –

I don’t know the word “woodby.”  I’m guessing it’s something like a boyfriend, but if I’m wrong, I want you to understand why!

It’s not uncommon for guys to get angry when their girlfriends refuse to do something romantic with them.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  One, which is what they’ll usually argue, is that they’re feeling so much desire at that moment, so it really frustrates them when it’s refused – kind of like when people tease me with a piece of Continue reading

0 How to develop an internal self-government

braayaan asks: How can I develop an internal self-government?

Hi braayaan –

This is a gigantic question, one that whole books work to answer.  But I think the easy and honest response I can give you is that you’re already developing one.  Everyone does.  The question is, rather, how can you develop a good internal self-government; how can you do it well?!

See, when we puppies are born, we start right in to developing it.  And we do it by pursuing everything we want (milk and warmth from our mothers, play by biting and tumbling with our siblings, and excitement by walking around checking out the world around us).  And bit by bit, our experience teaches us some things.  Our mothers teach us what sort of behavior results in nurturing and what doesn’t; our siblings teach us when we’re playing too hard (they scream out, or bite back!); and the world teaches us all sorts of things, like that some people squeeze us too tight, and that birds don’t like us trying to eat them!

And bit by bit, we use what we’ve learned to start making our own decisions.  We stop needing to be nipped or bitten or yelled at – we manage ourselves in a way that will please those we want to please, and frighten off those we wish to be rid of.

Similarly, humans start developing that internal self-government from their birth (literally – you never breathed before that, and suddenly you start doing something you will literally do every few seconds for as long as you Continue reading

0 How can I stop my friend from cutting herself

Bielieber27 asks: Hello. I was over at my friend’s house the other day, and I found out that she cuts herself. I’m really scared – I don’t know what to do. She told me it was addicting and she wishes she could stop. I want help her but I don’t know how to. What should I do? Please Help!

Hi Bielieber27 –

You are absolutely right, and so is she.  Cutting is terrifying, and very addictive.  You’re a great friend for reaching out like this.  I hope your doing this encourages others to do the same.

For those who don’t know what we’re talking about here, some people – most often teenagers – find that they get a pleasurable sensation from cutting their skin.  Usually it happens because they are depressed and feel numb in their lives, so there’s a good feeling from the pain of the cuts.  If you think of how good it feels to scratch an itch – where you’re actually causing yourself more pain in a sense, but it gives you pleasure – that’s what this is like, magnified.

Of course, the difference between this and scratching an itch is that cutting is extremely dangerous.  Even potentially Continue reading

0 How to convince a parent to let you start dating

Sweetchocolatechip asks: I’m 15 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I used to think this was cool — you know, saving myself for the ‘right one’ — but now when everyone asks this mean question, “Do you have a boyfriend?!” and I say no, I feel like they believe I’m undesirable. All my life, whenever a guy has asked me to be his girlfriend, I’ve always said “thanks but no thanks.” But now I’ve met someone who has loved/liked me since primary school, and I think I’m ready to say yes! The only problem is that my aunt [whom I live with] is afraid of me having a boyfriend, and so is my mom. I’m recently baptized, so I don’t want to lie to anyone, but I feel its time now for me to have a boyfriend. What should I do?

Hi Sweetchocolatechip –

Thanks for your question about a first boyfriend.

I would first recommend you check out my earlier post about when it’s right to start dating.  But you have a very tough situation besides that.  I think it’s totally great that you’ve waited till you knew what you wanted, and it’s absolutely splendid (and sooooo romantic!) that this boy has wanted you for years, and you think you’d like to go out with him!  But now you have to deal with your aunt and your mom.

This is such a tough problem.  I know they mean well.  But you and I both know what they’re really frightened of – and that is the key to the Continue reading

0 Does a crush on a teacher of the same sex mean you’re homosexual?

Mandy asks: My problem is about me being in love with my science teacher. You see, she is wonderful and a great and amazing Hindi person; the thing is she is a married woman with twins. And it’s not the usual thing for a 15-year-old girl like me to be actually in love with a woman teacher! Am I a lesbian? I don’t think I am, because I still have interest in men. I am really bonded to her, I praise her, and yet the subject she teaches me is not my favorite (well I’m not good in it!). Shirelle, should I listen to my head which says to impress the woman (if you can’t be physically in love then just be mentally in love with her, but only in your mind so she won’t be disturbed by you), or should I listen to my heart, which says impress her in science so she’ll be fond of you, and get close once you’ve known that it’s ok. Or is it never okay? Have I gone nuts Shirelle?

Hi Mandy –

Of course, I have no way of knowing whether you’ll spend your life being attracted to women, men, or both.  But I can say that it’s very possible that you will mostly be attracted to men, and that this is a very innocent crush, something that will pass by after a year or so.  And if so, it’s actually very normal.  Much more so than you’d think.

As everyone knows, the teenage years are a time when humans’ hormones just go wild, and while most people tend to end up in a fairly centered place, the process of getting there is just loaded with blemishes, smells, aches, and – yes – attractions just going Continue reading

0 How to grieve a love that never got to start

Guadalupe asks: I like this boy and he is 16 and I´m 14. He said he would try having a relationship, but he didn’t want to hurt me, because he is leaving the school – but he hasn´t told me if he likes me. What should I do?

Hi Guadalupe –

If I understand what you’re saying rightly, this boy’s saying he’d like to have a relationship, but he’s afraid to have one with you because he’s leaving your school.  It sounds to me like he does like you, but is saying that there’s nothing he wants to do about it, because he’s going away.

If I’m reading it correctly, the situation is pretty simple, and somewhat sad.  I’m an expert in getting left – Handsome leaves me at home every day and I’m always devastated.

And just like me back at the house, there’s nothing for you to Continue reading