Does a crush on a teacher of the same sex mean you’re homosexual?

Mandy asks: My problem is about me being in love with my science teacher. You see, she is wonderful and a great and amazing Hindi person; the thing is she is a married woman with twins. And it’s not the usual thing for a 15-year-old girl like me to be actually in love with a woman teacher! Am I a lesbian? I don’t think I am, because I still have interest in men. I am really bonded to her, I praise her, and yet the subject she teaches me is not my favorite (well I’m not good in it!). Shirelle, should I listen to my head which says to impress the woman (if you can’t be physically in love then just be mentally in love with her, but only in your mind so she won’t be disturbed by you), or should I listen to my heart, which says impress her in science so she’ll be fond of you, and get close once you’ve known that it’s ok. Or is it never okay? Have I gone nuts Shirelle?

Hi Mandy –


Of course, I have no way of knowing whether you’ll spend your life being attracted to women, men, or both.  But I can say that it’s very possible that you will mostly be attracted to men, and that this is a very innocent crush, something that will pass by after a year or so.  And if so, it’s actually very normal.  Much more so than you’d think.

As everyone knows, the teenage years are a time when humans’ hormones just go wild, and while most people tend to end up in a fairly centered place, the process of getting there is just loaded with blemishes, smells, aches, and – yes – attractions just going wild.  Given this, it’s totally normal for a teen to develop an attraction, and even a slightly obsessive crush, on a teacher they admire.  Maybe she’s the beginning of a lifetime full of women you’ll be attracted to, but it’s also possible that she’s only the epitome of the person you would like to become (including her expertise in a subject that isn’t your best!).  And that’s absolutely great.

As far as what to do about it, though, I’m going to throw a huge wish in here Mandy.  I’m going to wish very hard that if you, or any other student, should show attraction to this teacher, she is intelligent, compassionate, and understanding enough to express gratitude for the compliment, and politely absolutely refuse.  You’re at a very vulnerable place in your life, and looking at her with an idealization that she could easily take advantage of.   This would be a horrible, immoral, and (in many places) illegal act.  A big part of a teacher’s job is showing boundaries and consequences to their students.  To engage with a student in a sexual way would be horrible – male or female.

If she is as terrific a person as you say, then this will be true of her.  And therefore, there is no point in trying to get intimate with her – but there is EVERY reason in the world to work to impress her!  Do your best in her class – and of course it’s totally fine to tell her how much you think of her, and how much you’d like to be like her (if that is true).  She might become your best advisor, the teacher who changes your whole life.

Who knows, you might even become a scientist!


Either way, my point is that only you can determine whether you’re a lesbian or not, but that becoming sexually involved with a teacher is wrong no matter what.  Find out about your nature with people your own age, taking care to take your time – and you’ll learn all about yourself soon.


But what really matters though is not whether you yearn to hold hands with a man or a woman; it’s whether you want to scratch a doggy’s ears!  As long as you want to do that, you’re a perfectly terrific human being!!!




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