Sharuz asks: Why does my woodby get angry with me when I tell him no, or I can’t, when he asks me something romantically?
Hi Sharuz –
I don’t know the word “woodby.” I’m guessing it’s something like a boyfriend, but if I’m wrong, I want you to understand why!
It’s not uncommon for guys to get angry when their girlfriends refuse to do something romantic with them. There are a couple of reasons for this. One, which is what they’ll usually argue, is that they’re feeling so much desire at that moment, so it really frustrates them when it’s refused – kind of like when people tease me with a piece of steak. And sometimes when they don’t even intend to tease me, but just seeing them eating it has the same effect on me (Of course, some women do tease their boyfriends, and enjoy seeing them get frustrated. But it sounds to me like you’re not that way at all.)!
But there is another big reason, and that is social. Boys compete with each other a lot, and often brag to each other about what they’ve done with girls. So your boyfriend might feel a need to “measure up,” to prove that he’s the equal of his friends (even just in his own mind). I know this sounds really awful – how dare that guy use a girl who loves him just for status?! But it helps if you think of it in a different way. Imagine how you’d feel if you walked up to him in the hallway at school and he totally ignored you, right in front of all your friends. It would really be humiliating, wouldn’t it? Well there’s a chance that that’s what he’s feeling you’re doing to him, when you say that there’s something you don’t want to do.
It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Well, when it comes to sex and romance, just about everything is ridiculous! Every little act has tons of meaning, and everything is sooooo complicated! So I’m not saying that your boyfriend is exactly wrong, but I am saying that it is vitally important that you stay true to yourself, and respect your own boundaries. I hope there will come a day when you feel very free to show your love to someone special in every way you can imagine. But until then, your job is to be good to yourself. And if he really loves and respects you, even though what you’re doing, and refusing to do, drive him up the wall, he’ll tolerate it. Or, he’ll say something like “Sharuz, I really love you, but there are things I need that I can’t get with you, and I need to break up with you to find them.” And if that happens, you should respect his decision, as he’s respecting yours.
Everyone in the world is on their own journey. And while it’s absolutely fantastic that you and he are together on this part of it, it might prove best one day for your paths to separate. What I really want to ensure is that, if that happens, you’re still able to feel good about what happened when you were together.