Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 How to sincerely apologize.

rohit1996 asks: Some days ago I did a mistake. In anger I insulted a girl who is my friend. My behaviour was the worst. We have not talked for long time. Now I feel guilty. I want to tell her I’m sorry. But she is out of town for a long time. I want to talk her about my mistake, but I can’t call her because I think she doesn’t want to talk with me. I am afraid for if she will not talk with me then I can’t do anything. Please give me a solution. I felt very sorry for that moment. but at that time situation is not in my control. I want to apologize for my behaviour in front of her. So plz help me. It’s a long time since we’ve talked. Now I can’t face her.

Hi rohit1996 –

So this is going to sound weird, but you’re actually in a very good place for this.

What I mean is that, very often, people get into arguments and insult each other, and feel they’re each completely right. In this case, you know you were wrong to do it, so there’s no disagreement there. You just have to convince her of two things: first, that you know what you did wrong and are sorry; and second, that she’s safe trusting that you won’t do it again.

The second takes time. The first just requires the simple thing you’re trying to do: getting her to hear you. And for that, I have a few suggestions:

• You might be right that she won’t talk to you. But this is 2018, and there are lots more ways to get in touch with her than ever before. If you text her, and your text begins “I am so sorry,” even if she wants to ignore it she’ll have seen those words. But you can also write her on social media (but in a private way; don’t embarrass both of yourselves by posting it publicly), or in an email, or you can leave a phone message. In fact, maybe you could do ALL of these – so she really gets the message that you care.
• You could write her an “old school” letter. Yeah, the kind on paper, that you mail with a stamp on it. Why? Well, hardly anyone does that anymore. So it seems more official, more serious, more permanent.
• When you get the chance to see her in person, don’t hold back. Just walk right up to her and apologize. Even if you’ve already connected, it makes it clear that you’re going to regret that insult as long as you live. My friend Handsome made an awful mistake a few years ago that he apologizes to a couple of people for still, and plans to for the rest of his life. It’s not that they haven’t moved on and forgiven him; it’s that he can’t forgive himself. And he wants them to know that.
• Whatever you say, MEAN IT. What you wrote me really speaks your pain. Let her hear it too. We dogs don’t apologize much, but when we do, oh man do we let it out – we lick, we run in circles, we howl, we whimper, we jump up – ANYTHING to say how much we feel. So let those feelings out. It will be impossible for her not to notice.

Okay, rohit1996 – those are my suggestions. But there’s, of course, one possibility remaining. That she might refuse all of them. She might be so angry, or so hurt, or so afraid, that she simply can’t let you back in. If so, that’s just awful, and you can certainly keep trying. But it might be a situation where you have to move on, and kind of give up on her. That’d be the worst, but if that happens, you both can live better lives than you would if she just keeps having to avoid you for years.

So try to reach her. Try as hard as you can. And most likely it will work. But even if it doesn’t, you’ll know that you did the best you could.

And I’ll bet you’ll remember never to blow up like that again. And for that alone, this will have been a great learning experience, and make the rest of your life a better one for you and for everyone you know.

GOOD LUCK!

Shirelle

0 How to trust again after a boyfriend attacked you

Pennelope0214 asks: The guy I wrote you about finally made a move. We’ve talked about it, and he sometimes says it was spur-of-the-moment and sometimes says it wasn’t; and I find myself saying the same to him about my responding to it. But here’s the problem: I have been through an incident where my ex tried murdering me. He cut my throat and yet somehow I survived. So I am too scared to take that risk again. I have real feelings for this guy but it makes me sick to even think about getting into a relationship. This guy keeps on comforting me, asking me to come back as soon as possible. But how am I supposed to confront to him about the same? It’s going to break him. Even yesterday, on a call he said he would like to kiss me again and would give me that authority. I somehow managed to hang up. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

What a horrible horrible experience! I am so sorry! You dropped it into your question so casually, too, like one of my friends saying “I had a human once who sometimes forgot to feed me, or get me my shots.” No, you’re talking about attempted murder – and an attempt that came awfully close to success! Of COURSE you’re afraid and cautious. How could you not be?!

Well, my friend, there’s only one solution here. You simply have to tell him. I’d say to do it on the phone so you can feel safe and distant, and he can feel free to react without you seeing him (If he’s as caring as my Handsome, he might well throw up there on the spot, as he’s probably getting quite smitten with that lovely – and so hurt – throat of yours).

Now this is going to bring up an odd issue. Lots of times I get letters from people who’ve been cheated on, or hit, and have trouble believing their new romance won’t do the same thing to them. But this is a very different case. Hardly anyone does what that other man did to you, Ever. So this guy’s job isn’t going to be so much to convince you he’s not a throat-cutter, as to work extremely hard to avoid doing anything that will trigger that awful memory in you.

I do understand that the subject is so awful you hate to talk about it, but the only way this relationship can possibly work is for him to know what happened. You don’t have to tell him any more details than you want, but once he knows this most important fact (the bit you’ve told me), he should be able to adjust every bit of the way he acts toward you accordingly.

If you haven’t already, I’d also urge you to go to a therapist to talk about your experience. Someone well-trained in trauma work, who can help you to move forward in your life from this nightmare. And maybe you can even bring this man in to meet with you and the therapist, to discuss ways to make your life – and lives – better.

Now if there’s anyone in your life who’s telling you that you need to just forget about what happened, or move on as if it never did – they’re simply mistaken. You’ll never not have the memory of this brutality.

But you can have someone devoted to protecting you from it. Not just from other murderous thugs, but from the terror you have suffered ever since.

And if all is as it appears – this could be that guy.

Give him a chance.

AND LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!

All my love,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your life makes no sense to you

Foolwhodream asks: I’m having a hard time. I don’t understand what is happening in my life and I’m living blindly. I feel like I’m not worth living in this world, what should I do to let good things happen in my life?

Hi Foolwhodream –

Of course, I don’t know anything more than what you tell me in your letter, so I don’t know what you’re having the hard time with, or what actually is happening in your life.  So I can’t speak to those (except to say that I watch humans a lot and it sure seems to me that all seven billion of you feel this way at times!).

What hurts my heart is when you say you feel like you’re “not worth living in this world.”  It reminds me of a movie Handsome showed me once, where a man believes everyone would be better off if he’d never lived, and an angel comes to show him what his world without him would be like.  I can tell you, that world is not good!  And I have a strong feeling that every “fool who dreams” makes the world around them better, so, for starters, let me just say I THINK YOU’RE WRONG about that part!!!

But to your question, about what to do to let good things happen in your life?  That’s a great question.   Especially as I see people all the time who seem to be doing everything possible to keep good things out of their lives.  So how to make things better?  Here are some ideas to try:

1)     Reach Out to Others.  There’s a line from an old musical I like to quote a lot, that instead of worrying about whether other people like you or not, you should just try liking them.  I find that people (and dogs) who’ve experienced rejection tend to assume everyone around them thinks they’re not good enough.  And the solution, as any happy pup can tell you, is that if you’re able to move past those fears and be friendly (even if that’s a fake-it-till-you-make-it deal), you’ll find others like you a lot, which will make you feel much better.

2)     Do Things You Continue reading

0 How to make a relationship work when both have hurt each other

Aval asks: I am 21 years old and have been in love with a man of my age for more than 4 years. We were happy, till I cheated on him with his best friend. I cried a lot and he accepted me back. But after that I hurt him many times by talking and being in touch with the third person. He showed his anger every time he got hurt. And ill-treated me in response. Which has left me hurt a lot. I am afraid that I’ll lose my temper and that could even end in break up. What should I do?? Should I give up my self-respect to live with him? Or should I move on?

Hi Aval –

This is a really tough situation. On one hand, you’re very open and honest about where you’ve gone wrong. But on the other… you’ve gone wrong a lot. It was hurtful for you to cheat with his best friend, and more by keeping things going in a way he didn’t like.

But now, he’s treating you badly. And the danger is that he might keep on doing it as long as you’re together.

The hardest thing about your situation is that, if you’d just made one or two mistakes, I’d be telling you that you could just talk with him and promise never to cheat again, but say you also need him to treat you with more respect, so that you two can make a better relationship than you’ve ever had – but I worry that, if you did, he’d say “Why should I believe you? You’re a cheater and a liar!”

And this takes me to the bigger question – Does Continue reading

0 How to Deal with a Relationship Lacking Trust

Suzi asks: I am in a huge mess… I’ve been in a relationship for the past 5 years and everything was going on – well I wont say smooth but well many ups and downs were going on… I have broken his trust quite a lot but not done anything wrong, I mean characterwise… just a couple of weeks ago I had a huge problem and somehow I managed it. There was a friend among us who told my boyfriend that if these things go on I will tell you to break up with her (meaning me). After that everything was smooth … I don’t know what has happened, but 2 days back my boyfriend started behaving with me very badly. I just told him to meet me, he said no, I said are you sure, he said I had again started the drama. Actually whatever I do he finds everything a drama… I am very afraid that if there is a break up what will I do… and my boyfriend thinks he is right in everything…. he does this with his family too.. its the boy on my life or i am in this world…!! My boyfriend is very short tempered and doesn’t understand anything. He is not a good listener. Can u please say what should I do now …please I am in a huge mess… I cant live without him….what will happen …??? What should I do.???

Hi Suzi –

This is a really tough situation.  On one hand, you’re acknowledging where you’ve gone wrong, and broken his trust.  But on the other… you haven’t gone wrong a lot.  Whatever it was that his friend was complaining about, it doesn’t sound like it was that bad.

But now, your boyfriend’s treating you badly.  And the danger is that he might keep on doing it as long as you’re together.

The hardest thing about your situation is that, if you’d just made one or two mistakes, I’d be telling you that you could just talk with him and promise never to cheat again, but say you also need him to treat you with more respect, so that you two can make a better relationship than you’ve ever had – but I worry that, if you did, he’d say “Why should I believe you?  You’re just creating drama!”

And this takes me to the bigger question – Does he want to stay in this relationship?  And if so, what does he envision it becoming?

So my best advice to you is, still, to sit down with him and talk about the relationship you want to have.  About faithfulness, about respect, about affection, about everything you want to have.  And when he responds (as he almost surely will) with anger and accusations, you’ll just need to calmly explain to him why he should trust you in the future.

And if that works, and he agrees to, then you two are in great great shape.  But if it doesn’t work, and he continues to treat you as less than him… then it may be best to just leave.  And to prepare yourself to begin a new relationship – one where both of you start off with a better sense of how to make things work.

I can relate to you – when Handsome first brought me home from the pound, I was just awful.  I chewed up tons of his stuff, was always biting him, and even had toilet training issues.  And he stepped on my tail a couple of times too!  But over time, we learned what each other needed, and how to trust.  And now, we’re better than most marriages seem, a great and happy couple.

Which is just where I hope you find yourself.  Soon!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to become a veterinary nurse

future asks: Hi, recently I have been thinking about my future a lot. Which therefore means I have some questions about my career choice, I want to be a veterinary nurse, so what path do I take to get that?

Hi future –

I’m afraid my experience with veterinary nursing has always been on the receiving end (OUCH!), so I’m no expert on how to become one. But I can tell you, on behalf of all the animals in the world, THANK YOU for wanting to do such a beautiful, selfless, job for your life.

I don’t know where you live, but most places have veterinary schools. If you’re near a big university, they’d be especially likely for it. My advice would be to do a web search of veterinary programs near you, and then to contact some of them and see what they recommend for you.

Maybe you need to take some other classes before you can attend theirs, or maybe there are some things you can do to improve your chances of being accepted (such as to volunteer at an animal hospital or barn?).

And of course you’ll want to check to see if you can get a scholarship or financial aid, if the cost of the classes is too high.

But whatever you do, again, I can’t thank you enough for even just WANTING to be there for us. We count on you. And are eternally grateful.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to find a friend when you feel alienated

Arjai101 asks: It’s cold. It’s dark. It’s depressing as hell. I’ve just been really stressed lately with school. I don’t really like my mom’s boyfriend, which is really causing a huge rift with my mom and I. It’s like we’re perpetually at war or something. Or maybe, I’m just a terrible person because I probably just have a weird obsession with hurting people. I feel this immense pressure in general with work. I’ve got to start chipping in a bit with bills, nothing crazy, I just have to cut some of my spending habits, for a while. I mean, I’m fine I guess. Maybe it’s just that time of year, but I kind of just want to be in a relationship, or just to have someone genuinely there for me, romantic or not. I know it’s idealistic of me. But right now, all I need is someone who doesn’t mind if I go off the radar for a while when I’m busy, who’s available to hang out weekends, just blow off steam and stress with, and someone who doesn’t put me on some pedestal. Lately, I feel like everyone thinks I’m some super genius who can save the world or something, just because of some random accolades, that I guess are impressive and the fact that I’m 16 and go to university. It’s just this massive weight on my shoulders to keep it up, to somehow keep topping yourself. I really need someone who just sees me as a human being, not a list of accolades because I will never be able to always live up to that. I have my moments sure, but most of the time I’m overwhelmingly mediocre. I guess I’m just rambling off. But, I really need a friend or something. Someone I just really click with, who’s just available, when I am, and there aren’t complications and other stupid things, or mind games. I feel like a lot of my friends are either not actually my friends, or I just don’t have a great time with them because our personalities don’t mesh well. Anyhow, how do you even meet people? Like, I’m out in public and think maybe I should talk to this stranger. But, is that actually a wise thing to do? Or, where is it even okay to talk to strangers? And then, I’m just surrounded by people who are just older than me. And then, what do I even want from people? Have I actually been the diabolical crazy one the whole time? Just overthinking and coldly calculating things, and then going off the rails when things don’t go my way? Am I really the reason, that at the end of the day I still feel so lonely? Like maybe I’ve tried so hard to build this person, that no one even wants to go near it. Maybe, I need to take more risks. I feel like I make huge risks all of the time. But maybe not the right ones, maybe not the social ones. Maybe I should just do what I feel and forget the consequences. But then you have to look at the consequences every single day. I honestly just don’t want to take responsibility for anything. Like, what if I just approached that one person? But then, you will never truly know what they’re thinking, and then people talk, and things go wrong. At this point, I think I’m writing to you just to be writing about it. Like, I just feel like I don’t understand anything. And, I just feel so much right now. And, I’m so confused. And, I want so much. But unlike with school, I have no idea how to even go for it. I don’t think I really am all that good when reading people, especially when it pertains to me. I mean with other people, it’s easy as pie. But when it comes to me, I just don’t know what to think. The stakes just seem ridiculous. I don’t know. I don’t know. I literally just don’t know anything. And, I guess I’ll just leave it at that because I could go on forever and think myself into deeper holes.

Hi Arjai101 –

My dear friend (and yes I consider you a friend), there’s no way in the world you could have gone to college as young as you did and not find yourself in this exact situation.   Let’s say it simply – life is hard at age 16 for everyone, and everyone tends to feel alone and alienated, and you actually are different from everyone around you. Both because of your age, and because of your intelligence.

Think about it, human intelligence (and I suppose doggy intelligence too) exists on what they call a bell-curve, where most people are in the middle hump, and the rest get fewer and fewer as they get further from “normal.” I don’t know your IQ, but I’m going to guess it’s very high, maybe 140 or more? Well that means that you “fit in” just as much as people with IQs of 60 or less, which is considered mentally deficient! Imagine if I were at your school (four-legged, unable to speak) – I might be as much an outsider as you! And I’m a different species!

So am I saying there’s something wrong with what you are, or that you made the wrong choice? Not at all. But I am saying that your life is guaranteed to be difficult, because of your intelligence and your youth at school. You also might end up incredibly successful and famous for just these same reasons. But for now, it’s just lonely and tough.

I have other pieces on AskShirelle about how to make friends at school, but you’re in a special situation. I’ve suggested before that you look at student organizations, or activities, or joining some sort of cause. And I still think those would be the best bet for you to make some new friends. But if those aren’t working for you, I’d suggest you Continue reading

0 What to do when someone gives you mixed signals

Pennelope0214 asks: Hi so I have this guy who is really cute and perfect. I am not sure if he likes me too or not. There have been times when he has shown his care and gets upset when I do something wrong. Like today, I abused a guy and this guy got kinda upset and stopped talking to me. I tried too hard and apologized. After a lot of effort he finally accepted it. When we go for walk he wraps his arms around mine but leaves when someone comes. We always have lunch, dinner, breakfast altogether. Today when he was angry he didn’t even take his dinner. I don’t know what is on his mind, which I’d really like to know.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

So of course, I don’t know anything more than what you’ve told me, but I’ll say this – based on what I know, I like him too! I like that he got upset when you were mean to that other guy (It shows character, like when my human friend Handsome pulls me away and scolds me if I pick on an annoying puppy).

I also like that he shows affection to you, but then doesn’t show it off to others, as so many guys do.

But of course, then I don’t like that he actually leaves! And I’ll bet you don’t either!

So the fact that you eat pretty much all your meals together means he likes you a lot – at least as a friend. But then it’s clear that he’s not letting you know everything.

And here’s the bad news – I have no idea what else he’s feeling. He could feel “brotherly” to you, and enjoy holding you in that way, but be more interested in someone else. He could have very mixed feelings toward you and not know for sure what to do. Or he could be in love with you and frustrated that he doesn’t know how you feel!

So since I can’t read his mind, the only suggestion I can come up with is that you Continue reading

0 How to improve a dysfunctional family dynamic.

Prettyandsweet12 asks: For the longest time I’ve wanted to move back to a particular part of the country to be with my cousins. I recently graduated high school and moved there with my mom. At first I was having a hard time because I had no friends here, but I figured it would get better once I got settled in. But I’ve been here for 5 months now and things just stink! I currently take classes online and I occasionally see my family in a nearby state over the weekend, but recently some things have happened and I’m starting to question if moving here was the right thing. My cousins barely come around, and my dad is now married and I don’t even know who he is anymore. I just turned 18 and I had a party at a hotel with my two cousins and she tried to give us alcohol. I didn’t have any but my cousins did, and I don’t know if you remembered but you gave me advice a long time ago on how to deal with my medical condition called myoclonis dystonia, which I still have and am on medicine for, and my dad knows this, but he was still willing to let her give me alcohol; that crushed me, and I feel like he chose her over me because he always lets her run over him. I recently got in touch with my high school crush, who is two years younger than me, so he’s a sophomore in high school (I’m supposed to be a senior in high school but I skipped a grade). He really wants to be able to see me and I want the same; I feel like I need him now more than ever, but I’m faced with a complicated choice: do I leave my mom and find living arrangements where he lives so we can see each other, or do I stay with my mom and put on a happy face like I’ve been doing?

Hi prettyandsweet12 –

I need to confess, I’m more confused than you are, so I’m not sure how much good I can do here! First, one question – when you say “she tried to give us alcohol,” I’m going to guess that that’s your dad’s new wife, but am I right?

But then, my main confusion is – what are all these people doing?! You moved across the country to be closer to your mother, your father, and your cousins, and it sounds like you’re not getting much attention from any of them. Then, sure, the fact that you’re taking online classes means you’re not meeting nearly as many people as you would if you were in high school or college. So it sure makes sense to me that when your dad, who probably just thinks he was being friendly and playful, encouraged you to drink alcohol which isn’t good for your condition, this made you feel really hurt and mad – normally it would be just silly, but given the treatment you’ve been receiving, it would just seem to be the ultimate symbol of everything wrong!

We dogs are very patient, and are famous for giving unconditional love. But even that has its limits. There have been times when Handsome has ignored me too much, so I’ve done things like climb on the white furniture just so he’ll get mad, or he’ll pet one other dog too many and instead of my being nice and tolerant, I’ll just growl and threaten the pooch (I know, I should be doing it to Handsome instead, but I just can’t – my love for him makes me too weak!).

So as I said above, I don’t have any great answers. But I will say, moving to be near your high school boyfriend seems like an invitation for what happened before to happen again – for you to be ready to start a beautiful meaningful new life with someone who may or may not be capable of giving you what you need.

If you’re able to afford it, I’d be way more in favor of you taking a trip to meet him, maybe spend a weekend or so with him, and see how that goes. Maybe it’ll be great, and maybe not. But I’d like you to know a lot more before you make that big a commitment (and take the chance on another disappointment).

And in the meantime, how about doing what I do, and making a little obnoxious noise! For example: Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend lies, denying he was flirting with someone else.

raina1226 asks: My bf and I have been in a relationship for one month. I did a loyalty test on him: I asked my friend to flirt with him on a phone call. So she started the conversation; he also flirted with her and asked her for double-dating, friends with benefits. I heard everything and I decided to break up with him. Now he is asking for another chance, but he is not accepting that he was flirting. Now what should I do? I really want a serious kind of relationship, as my past is not very good. Please help me out.

Hi raina1226 –

Okay, I’ve got to be honest here – I am a huge flirt! I love running up to strangers and jumping on them, I love getting male dogs to chase me in the dog park or on the beach, and more than anything I love to flirt with my best human friend Handsome.

So I’m not going to criticize anyone for flirting. That would make me a hypocrite, and we dogs just never are hypocrites!

But I want you to notice my earlier sentence again: “I’ve got to be honest here.” I’m a flirt, but I’m also honest.

What your boyfriend did with your friend is creepy, there’s no question about it. But what I’m a lot more bothered by is that you say he’s “not accepting that he was flirting.” I think you were nice to only suggest that he was flirting; most people would say he was cheating, or at least trying to. But whatever you call it, what he’s doing now is LYING.

He got caught. Maybe he can say it was wrong of you to set him up the way you did, but he was still caught, regardless.

And again, what bothers me so much is that he’s lying about it.

So usually I am not so definite in what I tell my pack members, but in this case, I’m going to say: Dump Him. There’s a beautiful line a poet said a few years ago, “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.”

I don’t mind that he’s a flirt, and maybe even his attempt to cheat with your friend was just a dumb attempt at a thrill. But he’s shown you that he’s a liar.

So in this one case, I say… Believe him. And kick him out to the street. You deserve better, and there’s lots better out there.

All my best,

Shirelle