Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 Falling for someone who’s helping you through recovery

wxyz asks – I can’t get a girl. In the beginning of college, I became addicted to meth. This burden took away everything from me. Distanced me from society, friends, family. Finally I realized, I was trying to give up. Fighting alone with myself, nobody to support. I stopped going to college. Everyone there mocking me, ignoring me. Then sitting in the dark, I got her, got a person to talk. She became my rehabilitation. Yes! I am rehabilitating, but also to make myself up to her. Going to classes, trying to study, trying to come back. She is there always from long distance, watching me in college: what I am doing, where I am going, am I smoking and also am I eye-contacting with her or not. Can I hear something from you for me and her? Yes, I remember you saying to remind myself that she’s not mine. Can I say that I am hers?

Hi wxyz –

May I start by saying… WOW!  I am so impressed!  I’ve never had crystal methamphetamine, what’s commonly called meth (I’m such a hyper pup, Handsome won’t even allow me to taste coffee!), but from what I hear it’s one of the most addictive substances ever invented.  So the fact that you’re rehabilitating… I can only bow to you and say GOOD JOB – KEEP IT UP!!!

I only know a little bit about what people go through when they try to get over an addiction, but one rule I’ve often heard is that they shouldn’t get into a new romantic relationship too soon – that the work they’re doing to get over the drug is too difficult for them to also handle the difficulties of a new love.

So I’m going to give you a strong suggestion.  I say you should Continue reading

0 How to react when someone a boyfriend or girlfriend gets close fast and then cuts you off fast

rohit1996 asks: Two weeks ago I started relationship with a girl. We talked everyday with messages and calls. I shared all my secrets with her, and she was also very friendly with me. But suddenly, I don’t know how, she stopped conversation with me. Even when I message her she says, “I have no mood to talking this time, we have to talk later,” and later she can’t reply to my message. This thing happened two or three times in the last two days. Now she isn’t replying to my message. What can I do now?

Hi rohit1996 –

As a dog, I’m very used to having a problem with time.  My human, Handsome, who I love more than life, will leave me at home in the morning.  And after an hour or so, I’m in a mix of terror that he’s never coming home and I’ll be locked in the yard forever, and awful grief at losing my beloved.  Then he’ll come home – in the afternoon, the same time as he almost always does, and I’ll go nuts!  I can’t control myself, barking, running in circles, and covering him in kisses.

Now the “hello” is great, but the hours before it are just awful.

So why am I telling you this?  Because you’re talking about a very short time.  You met this girl two weeks ago, and for two days she’s been very distant.  My friend, you’re worrying too much.  In fact, I know that, because you’re worrying like ME!

So my first bit of advice to you is to Continue reading

0 How to set physical boundaries in a relationship

Spiky 401 asks: I just got into college, and immediately met this dude. It’s almost a month now, we started talked for sometime and decided to exchange numbers and see each other, but we didn’t because I had to visit my aunt at her house. After I got back to school we finally met and went out to a park. Nothing happened there, we went back to school, but not straight to the hostel, we strolled around the school and sat down in a quiet area. We talked about some things like family, entrepreneurship, school (he’d just graduated out of the same school). Then he asked me if I had dated before, I told him yes and that I would never like anyone the way I liked my ex. He asked me to tell him about my ex, which I did, and he promised to make me forget about him. From there he held my hand, stood up, and made me stand up. He hugged me real tight. It was shocking but comforting. From there, he picked me up from the ground – right that moment I thought he was gonna attack me but he didn’t, he dropped me and then he started to kiss me, I mean I have never kissed or hugged a dude but here he was kissing me. Every time I tried to pull away he stopped and hugged me until I got used to his lips on mine. I barely know the guy and I don’t feel that connection I had with my ex. But after the kiss I kept on recalling it and wanting to see him more. Please what do you advise I do, to be on the safe side without losing my innocence?

Hi Spiky 401 –

Well, my quick answer is that I want you to get a little more spiky, Spiky!

But here’s my long one.  First, I want you to go to AskShirelle.com, and search for a question asked by HarrietteS, and read it and my answer.

Have you read it?

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Have you read it all?

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Okay, Spiky 401, so your situation with this guy wasn’t exactly the same as mine with the bulldog.  But it’s actually close enough, in one regard: Both guys came from the belief that they could overpower us females into wanting what we said we didn’t want.  And this is SOOOOO WRONG!  I’m sure you’ve heard about the whole #MeToo movement going on; and while this guy only was kissing you and luckily not doing more, you are now a #MeToo-er, because he forced you into something you didn’t want!  I’m not saying to call the cops – he didn’t take it too far, thank goodness.  But he still took it farther than you wanted – and you were being very clear about your feelings.

Now it’s funny, when I started reading your letter, I thought I’d be getting onto your case about saying, or even believing, that you’d never again feel what you felt for your ex.  I think there’s a really great chance that you will feel as much, or even more, for someone someday.  But here’s the stupid thing about this new guy – he totally blew his chances of getting to be that someone!  Can you trust him now?  Are you going to let yourself feel things you can’t even imagine feeling, for him?  I really doubt it!  So by trying to be “super manly” and overpower your feelings, he just lost the chance to really win your love!  (At least most likely)

Now I realize you’re saying that you eventually liked the kissing, and it reminded you of your ex.  And that’s really nice.

So here’s what you’ve learned – you found out that you CAN feel that for someone else.  But do you really want it to be this guy?

And what this all leads up to is this advice:  I would be very happy if you Continue reading

0 Should you have casual sex with someone you’re hoping to create a deeper relationship with

Shin asks: I was approached by a 14-year-old, ‘x’, for sex. I’m 23, I have never done it in my life, it is very tempting, I wish to marry x someday, but I can’t say for sure because in our community parents decide our marriages. Should I do it now or should I wait it out? I’m very tempted and losing my confidence to say no every time I think about this. I haven’t done anything or responded to it, but I have let x know I like x very much . I’m torn apart by temptation and fear of losing and doing something bad to x. Don’t want to hurt x but want x in my life in a carnal way. I thought I had this but I’m starting to feel depressed about my love life which is practically zero, which makes this more tempting. Can’t seem to shake off the idea. X asked me whom I’ll marry and I said are you interested and x just shied away. We haven’t had an opportunity to talk alone since, but I’m scared if I do anything to her it might ruin both our lives. Please help.

Hi Shin –

This is a very tough situation, I understand.  You haven’t had the experiences you’ve wanted, and now you’re being offered something that seems wonderful, by someone who’s willing.  How could I possibly suggest you say no?

But I’m going to.  And really only for one reason.

Of course, I have no idea why x wants to have sex so young.  It’s normal for a human to have urges by age 14, but I find them usually to be a bit scared of the concept.  And why is she interested in a man almost twice her age for this?

My concern is about her.  I wonder if she’s worried that there’s something about her that’s not going to get married (maybe something’s happened to her before), so she’s not valuing her status in your community, the way most girls would.

You see, you might be the best thing that’s ever happened to her.  By being a good guy, who actually wants her in a serious way, you might be different from everyone else around her.  And I fear that giving in to what she’s asking might mess that all up.  (In a lot of places, it would also be illegal, and potentially get you locked up in jail for a while, and maybe labeled a Sexual Predator for the rest of your life – and you are SO much better than that!).

So my suggestion would be to Continue reading

0 What should a teacher do if they develop a crush on a student

Vanitha asks: I’m 27 and single. Even as a teenager I haven’t ever admired any guy’s physical appearance. For the past 2 years my parents have sought an alliance for me, but its not working. Due to that depression I’m getting attracted to many guys these days. Currently I’m working as a teacher, and now I’ve developed a huge crush on a student. I know this is a wrong thing, but I can’t control my feelings. I want to see him always. Please advise me.

Hi Vanitha –

Your letter brings up a lot of issues, but for me the best thing is your understanding that you simply can’t act on those feelings about your student.  It would be really wrong.  But, at the same time, it would be crazy to deny those feelings are there.

In fact, I think your feelings are absolutely appropriate.

We dogs are born way more developed than you people – after all, we’re usually walking within a few days of our birth, and you guys don’t get started on it for a year.  But once we get going, most puppies develop at around the same rate.  Whereas you humans vary a lot.  Some babies start with a few words, and build their vocabularies, while others don’t say a syllable till they start talking in complete sentences.

And then there are what are called Late Bloomers.

Those are the people who seem more like children, well into their teen years.  Maybe they don’t start getting interested in anyone romantically/sexually till years after their classmates do.  Maybe even their bodies change later than other teens.

And Vanitha, you sound to me like a very Late Bloomer.  It sounds to me like the feelings that most girls start getting around age 13 didn’t come to you until you were in your 20s.  And now you’re beginning to notice men, and are ready for your first crush.

Well, doesn’t it make sense that your first crush is on a teenage boy?  After all, most other girls’ first crushes are.

Just because your body is 27 years old doesn’t mean your romantic sense is.  No, you’re actually going through a teenage experience, much later than most.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  In fact, it’s kind of cool.  As long as you don’t do anything wrong.

Think about it.  Most teenagers want to be able to leave home and stay out all night…  You Can!  Most teenagers want to be able to drink the same things as adults… You Can!  And most teenagers want to be treated as equals by the grownups around them…  You Can!

But as you enter the world of romance, you’ve got a bit of a problem.  What we want is for you to Continue reading

0 Ways to get through grieving a lost love

LittleGirlBigAppetite asks: I broke up with my boyfriend three months ago. The reason for the break up was that I found out through a mutual friend that he had updated his Tinder profile with new pictures. I felt betrayed. We had met on Tinder too but I had deleted the app when things started getting serious between us. Tbh, he was the first guy with whom I had a normal and real relationship. There was no pretense. We would tell each other anything and everything. I got really attached to him in the 6 months that we went out. But when I confronted him about the Tinder thing, he said that he was still using the app just for making new friends (which I know is a pathetic excuse). He also said that as I was still using the app (deleting the app does not removes your profile), he thought I would be ok with him using it. This hurt me even more and I told him to never message or see me again. But the thing is that it’s been 3 months and I still can’t get over him. I feel as if I lost the one guy with whom I was totally comfortable. I miss him every single day and cry myself to sleep thinking that he must now be having fun with someone else. What hurts even more is the thought that he’d been lying to me the whole time we were together. He has tried making small talk with me a few times over text but I ignored him. I really wanna know what I should do to forget him and move on once and for all. Please help!

Hi LittleGirlBigAppetite –

I get questions all the time about how to deal with someone cheating, and you’ve done just what I suggest.  I can forgive a cheater, but someone who cheats, then lies, and then puts the blame on the other … I’m all for walking away with your tail up in the air and never looking back.

But you’re suffering, and I hate that.

Getting over an ex is really hard.  I’ve never had to do it (my only connection as strong as you had with him is with Handsome, a relationship I know will last far beyond this lifetime), but I’ve sure seen it.  I’ve seen Handsome go through it, I’ve seen his friends go through it, and wow have my sensitive ears heard a zillion songs about it!

So overall, I have two big awful truths for you.  First, that you will get over him someday, even though part of you won’t want to, because so much about him was wonderful.  And second, that Continue reading

0 How to deal with being rejected in a one-sided situation

Wolfpack asks: I am in a one-sided situation, but this is happening in a way that everything around me makes me feel like i should talk to her. (I have already confessed my feeling, but i have not been speaking to her much often since then), she has said she does not wants to be in a relationship with me. Help me!!

Hi Wolfpack –

If I’m understanding you right, you told a girl your feelings for her, and she said she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, and now you’re wondering what to do.

The answer is simple: you should take care of yourself, in whatever way works best for you.

Lots of humans get a big container of chocolate ice cream, and eat the whole thing in one night.  Do they feel kind of crummy the next morning?  Sure, but for some reason, doing that helps them move forward.  Maybe you’re more the sort to go out with friends and talk about it, or write a song, or just beat your head against a wall.

Whatever it is, she’s been honest, and that’s a good quality.  And your only job is to do what you have to, so you can move forward, and not get stuck in the pain of that rejection.

We dogs, when we’re feeling that bad, might just go outside and howl up at the sky.  And when we do, we’ll often inspire other dogs to howl along with us, all over the neighborhood.  This is the single best thing I know of, since it makes us feel so connected with others (instead of all alone, the way rejection usually does).

But again, you know yourself better than I do.  Give her the space she wants, take care of yourself, move forward, and who knows – maybe you’ll meet someone better tomorrow, or maybe she’ll even change her mind.  But regardless, you want to be in a strong, happy, confident place yourself.  Which sadly is the exact opposite of where you are now.

And remember, the best thing you can do in life is to love.  So even if it hurts right now, the fact is, you have loved.  And that makes you, and your life, wonderful.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone you’re interested in wants to hold off on a relationship till has have a job

sassy_tango_tree_ asks: I have feelings for this guy. And he admitted he likes me too. But he told me he doesn’t want a relationship until he has a job. That was okay between us. But then this guy acted distant and I am confused.

Hi sassy_tango_tree_ –

Of course, I don’t know anything about this guy, but your question sounds to me like he’s being pretty straight-forward with you.  He said he likes you but he’s not up for a relationship yet, and then he pulled away a bit.  That makes sense to me.

But I’ll add something else.  I will never forget a very tough couple of years when my human, Handsome, was struggling to find work.  He was frustrated, unhappy, and felt just awful about himself.  And that even led to him caring less about me, finding my enthusiasm and affection (which he normally LOVES) kind of annoying.  It was, for me, the worst time we ever had together.  Very very painful.

But once he changed careers, and things started to go his way, he got much happier, and started valuing me more and treating me better.

You see, he’d never stopped loving me.  But he was in a depression, which meant he couldn’t show and feel his love the way he had before.

And I’m wondering if this guy is in the same shape.

If so, then my advice is to be the best friend he has.  Be the one who’s always supportive, who encourages him when the whole world tells him No.  And if so, when things get better for him (and I’m sure they will), he’ll value you the way Handsome valued me.  And then all that liking he already had for you can explode into what you’ll really deserve.

Which is what I get from Handsome every day:  LOVE.

Best of luck to both of you!

Shirelle

0 What to do with someone who flirts with you and rejects you at the same time?

IntoNothingness asks: There is this senior guy at my high school who was looking for a girlfriend. We have a mutual friend who suggested that he could talk to me and that I was single. So we started talking. We became really close. He even told my friend that he was interested in me and if she could help him ask me out. I also liked him and we both kept dropping hints that we were attracted towards each other. I don’t know how or what happened, but suddenly this guy shuts me out of his life and I come to know that he has a girlfriend. After some time we started talking again and I tried to be a really good friend. He told me every personal detail like a very close person in his life. We talked and flirted on a daily basis but I kept it friendly as he had a girlfriend. He started dropping hints again and then out of the blue breaks up with his girl. Sometime after this, we had a friendly/romantic meet up at my place and he kept being like “you are single and now that I am single, you know…” His hints were very obvious and I really thought that he was interested. Day before yesterday, we were talking and he was being very flirty and the way I was talking anyone could have guessed that I might ask him out and he was also encouraging the conversation. I asked him out and he went completely blank. He literally told me that he liked me a lot but not like that. We were so close and comfortable with each other but things just became awkward. I am fine with the fact that he does not like me like that but what hurts me is that he never felt anything and still reciprocated every feeling and also gave hints. I would have been very happy had he honestly told me that he never felt anything for me rather than fake reciprocating and that we could only be friends. I invested a lot in our friendship and he didn’t even care about our friendship and let things become awkward between us. Our friendship was really special for me and after our embarrassing “asking out moment” I was the one who tried giving it another shot. But now I feel like I shouldn’t have. Am I portraying myself too available or desperate or vulnerable to this guy? Is giving our friendship another shot wrong? What is the mindset of the guy – like why did he do this? Why did he give hints and talk like that when he clearly felt nothing? Was our friendship also fake?

Hi IntoNothingness –

Okay, so I am completely confused.  Just as I’m sure you are!

So this guy told his friend he was interested in you, then started dating another girl, then broke up with her and flirted with you, talking about how you were both available, but then, once you asked him out, said he wasn’t interested in you.

So I see two possibilities here.  And either or both are possible.  First, he’s just playing with you, completely aware that he’s toying with your affections, which for some reason seems like a good idea to him.  Or, second, you’ve been misinterpreting him a lot.

Now you ask a bunch of questions – about whether you were too “available” or not, about whether it would be right or wrong to push for that friendship to continue, about what his feelings are.

But I’m going to suggest that you put all those questions aside for a moment, and instead ask yourself one giant question: given the way things are now, what do YOU want?

You see, it’s like when I was in the pound.  All we pups cared about was someone wanting us enough to get us out of there.   I lucked out and got a wonderful human; others got less-great ones, and of course some others didn’t make it out at all.

But you aren’t in that situation.  You’ll live through this, no matter what.  So while it’s interesting to wonder what he’s thinking, or if you could have done a better job of playing the romance game, the truth is that this guy has made it clear he’s not interested in you, while you’re interested in him.  And there’s a really good chance he’s been playing with your feelings.

So, if you liked yourself as much as I like you (and all my pack members), what would you do?  Would you maybe give this guy some space and see what he does?  Or maybe tell him off?  Or maybe look for a boyfriend somewhere else, and then, once you have one, see if you still want to be friends?

You see, all of those get back to the question of what YOU want.  And letting him deal with his odd feelings himself.  And I like that.

And what if you say “But he’s the only person I’m interested in, and I want to try to make it work with him any way I can?”  Well, then I’ll cheer you on.

But even if you do decide that, I’ll hope that you can keep yourself from saying his feelings matter as much as, or more than, yours.  Sure, his feelings matter.  But yours have to matter more.

They sure do to me.

Whatever you choose, BEST OF LUCK!

Shirelle

0 How to set new rules in a relationship.

Guptaaa_ asks: See, my problem is with my boyfriend. I have been crushing on him continuously for the last 4.5 years, and then last year we came into a relationship. In that relationship he ditched me and left me. Now after the last few months apart he came back to me a few days ago. It seemed like he is serious, but now it doesn’t look that way. Tell me? What do I do now?

Hi Guptaa –

Wow this sounds really difficult.  The first part of your story sounds wonderful and romantic – you have this long crush on a guy and then you two actually get together.  It’s the perfect love story.  But now he’s leaving you, coming back, acting serious, acting not serious… this is like those experiments where they teach dogs to expect a piece of food every time they push a button, and then stop giving them food when they push the button, or give them food when they don’t push the button, and the dogs go mad.  (And by that I don’t mean they get angry, I mean they go stark raving nuts!)

So my goal here isn’t to get you two together, or to get you to leave him – it’s to keep you from foaming at the mouth and running around your town biting random children!!!

The only way I can think of to protect you is for you to Continue reading