Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 How to tell someone you like them when they think you don’t

msourav229 asks: I like a girl. I have not told her yet. One day my friend told her that I have something to tell her. She was very curious to know what. In the meantime one of my other friends told her that he thinks I don’t have any interest in her. Usually she joined us to hang out but today she left. Now what should I do now? Did my friend’s words turn her off. How can I express myself to her?

Hi msourav229 –

Sometimes I get very complex questions.  This isn’t one of them.

We know two things:

• She was curious about what your friend said you wanted to tell her.
• She didn’t hang out with your group after your other friend said you weren’t interested in her.

So what don’t we know?

• What that curiosity meant – is she just a naturally curious person, or was she particularly interested in what you might say?
• Why she left the group.
• And of course, how she feels about you.

There’s only one answer to “how can I express myself to her,” and there’s a clear way to do it!

The way is to Continue reading

0 How to get someone you like to want to keep talking with you

thelittleangel asks: A guy I like goes to a different school. I started talking to him today over text (since it’s summer) and I had an amazing conversation with him and I think he’s finally interested in talking to me since he would reply fast and ask questions of his own. How can I get him to keep wanting to talk to me? And maybe even text me first?

Hi thelittleangel –

Well, my easy first answer is “Keep doing what you’re doing because you’re doing great!”

But I do have one other thought. Have you ever heard of Scheherazade? I don’t know whether she was an actual person or not, but legend has it that she was to spend a night with a king, who was known for having a woman a night, then killing her, then having another the next night. When it was her night, though, she came up with the great idea of telling him a story, but cutting it off right at the most exciting part. This way, he needed to keep her alive so he could hear the rest of it the next night. She kept doing this for 1001 nights. At this point, he was so in love with her, he made her his queen. Her stories are now referred to as The Arabian Nights or The Thousand and One Nights, and include many the whole world loves, like Aladdin and Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.

Now I certainly hope this guy you like isn’t quite as bloodthirsty as that king! But just like Scheherazade, you have a strong interest in keeping him interested. So maybe you can take a hint from her, and have delightful conversations with this boy, but always leave him curious, wanting more. The occasional “Oh I have to go, my friend just wrote me with an emergency. Can we talk tomorrow?” will almost guarantee that he’ll write. Or you’re telling him about the funniest thing that happened today, but just before you get to it, “Whoops, sorry, gotta go! Later!”

Now if you do this too much, he’s certain to catch on, so I wouldn’t say to do it every day. But a bit of this is great.

And of course, I’m guessing you’d also like to have contact with this guy beyond texting. So how do you get that? Well, hint-dropping never hurt. “I sooooooo wanna see Incredibles 2, the first was like my favorite movie as a kid!” just might encourage him to ask you out to it. Or “There’s nothing I love more than pizza!” (Though I tell Handsome that on a daily basis and he almost never takes me out for it!)

It really comes down to two tricks, thelittleangel. First, put some effort into keeping him interested and curious, like Scheherazade. But secondly, trust that you’re already interesting. He’s shown he thinks you are! Be confident, and make him come to you just a bit, while letting him know you’re friendly.

Oh and if you have a dog, you could always tell him how wonderful that pooch is. Then he’ll just have to find a way to meet your four-legged delight!

Good Luck and HAVE FUN!

Shirelle

0 How to help teens whose parent won’t let them date

ChilliPepper asks: My son (17) has fallen in love with a beautiful young lady (also 17). She seems to be going through depression because of circumstances at home. Now her mom has forbidden her from seeing my son. This is breaking her heart as well as my son’s heart. My son is the only reliable solid in her life at the moment. She wants to run away from home and has even considered suicide. I don’t know what to say to my son to comfort him or what to do to help her.

Hi ChilliPepper –

What a terrifying situation! For all of you!

I’ll be honest with you – I don’t think there’s a perfect answer to this. I imagine you and your son would get into trouble for helping her run away, and her suicidal feelings make it dangerous for her to stay home.

But I do know what I can recommend. And I’ll warn you, it’s very very hard.

I’d suggest you Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize your relationship is over

Deadpool asks: I was in a kind of relationship with this girl, though we never labelled it. We both said we love each other, the first 2-3 months gave me the best feeling in the world; however after that it has not been good. When you are into a person so much you might not realize small changes in them, but I surely know things are not the same. We text each other just as a formality now; tired of all this I left the particular social media on which we were talking without telling her, and she didn’t even call or text me to know why. I don’t know why there are these changes when nothing bad happened between us. I always try to make her happy. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Deadpool –

I have some very sad news for you.

Do you ever watch those medical TV shows, where a surgeon is trying desperately to save someone’s life, and their heart has stopped but the surgeon keeps madly pressing on it over and over, screaming to the other doctors that there’s still a chance, but that computer behind them shows that there’s no heartbeat, that the pulse is just a flat line going across, emitting a cruel steady beep?

It sounds to me like this relationship of yours has flatlined.

That doesn’t mean it was bad or wrong, or that there’s anything wrong with you or your girlfriend.  It just means it’s Continue reading

0 What to do when someone wants to go further than you want

adds mguire asks: My boyfriend is a little older than me and is ready for more things than I am. He is very understanding, most of the time. Others not so much. He is sometimes very persistent and wants to do things I’m not ready for. I tried to be nice and try something out that he liked but all it did was end up making me feel distant and violated. He was very apologetic and all he wanted to do was make it up to me. I don’t know if I should voice my feelings or just avoid that situation again.

Hi adds mguire –

Okay, let’s get your last question out of the way first:  As long as he stays your boyfriend, you won’t be able to “avoid that situation.”  “That Situation” is called him being interested in you and desiring you, and you can’t avoid it any more than my human friend Handsome can avoid me being interested in food.  If I’m around, he’s dealing with it.

So my wish is that, yes, you voice your feelings.  Big!

But I also want you to do it in the right way.

One of my favorite pieces I’ve ever written (you can find it on the AskShirelle website) is to a question from HarrietteS, about how to deal with a date’s advances.  Now in her case (or, as I explain in my answer, in MY case), this wasn’t a serious boyfriend, but rather just an attracted male.  But my main point remains for your situation as well: it is vital that you realize your rights to your own body, your own feelings, your own wishes.  Sure you love him and want to make him happy, but there are lots of ways to do that (cookies are great!).  And you’re only saying that there are things you’re not ready for – not that you would never want to do them in the future – so there’s no reason for him to doubt what the relationship could sometime become.

The problem I often see in situations like this, when the girl (or woman or boy or man – whoever’s feeling pushed beyond their comfort level) is  able to state their boundaries, is that the pursuer ends up feeling shamed.  Like there’s something wrong or bad in your boyfriend’s desires.

There’s not.  Not at all.

So what I want you to do is to tell him just that.  “I know you want things, and I love that you do.  I love that you’re attracted to me, and want to have these experiences with me.  And I want to make you happy.  But as we’ve already found, if I’m pushed beyond where I’m comfortable, it does awful things to me, and hurts our relationship, and even makes you feel bad.  So can we just slow down?  Not stop, I love your touch and your affection.  But slow down how fast we move forward?”

If he loves you, and it sounds like he does, I think he’ll be able to accept that just fine.

Then, I want you to keep that promise.  So how do you do that?  Well, here are some thoughts:

• Give each other massages. Neck and Shoulder rubs are great, very loving, and quite intimate.  Then you can move forward to other levels – like feet!
• Try taking a long walk holding hands. And then just touching your index fingers together, and then each of your other fingers, for a long time each.
• See how long you can sit and just look into each other’s eyes. It’s okay to blink, but looking away’s against the rules.  What do you see in each other’s face?  How many colors are there?
• Turn out the lights so there’s absolutely no light in the room, total darkness, and sing to each other. Just focus on the sounds of each other’s voices.
• Make up your own ideas of what you’d like to do together, and tell each other the stories. I don’t mean just about sex or such, but like “We ride horses up into the mountains and sleep under the stars, and in the morning a light rain wakes us and we ride through it till we’re both soaked to the bone.”

Do you see where I’m going?  It’s actually fun  to slow things down.  And can be for both of you.

There’s a great old song Handsome likes that talks about this beautifully…

Let’s take it nice and easy

It’s gonna be so easy

For us to fall in love

Hey baby, what’s your hurry

Relax and don’t you worry

We’re gonna fall in love

We’re on the road to romance

That’s safe to say

But let’s make all the stops

Along the way…

I envy you how much fun this ought to be!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your girlfriend or boyfriend suddenly demands more money from you

Leeeee asks: I moved in with my girlfriend and her 2 kids and we applied to buy a house together, but now there are funds that we should pay and we don’t have, so I suggested we wait and save up, and when ready we should apply again, but she disagrees and even told me she will try for the lawyers to remove me from the bond if I’m not willing to sacrifice. That suggestion of her made me wonder a lot! Now I actually doubt the entire buying story, please help I’m lost, am I doing the right thing?

Hi Leeeee –

Okay, this is one of those questions where I have to deal with the fact that I’m only hearing one side of the story.  Maybe your girlfriend has a very different version.

But I can only work with what I’ve got.

If you’re right, that you two can’t afford the house you want, and you say you want to save up for one, and she’s threatening legal action to force you into paying more (or going into debt, or whatever ‘sacrifice’ she’s thinking), then my view on this is…

… You’re In Luck!

When humans get Continue reading

0 How to trust someone who’s cheated on you

Anoushka.1998 asks: I have been in a relationship for 2 years. And I really love him. But during this time, he once cheated on me and never accepted it. That’s the reason I could never forgive him. Now he has become what he is supposed to be but I have become extremely insecure. I cannot blindly trust him anymore. I always feel that he might leave me or cheat on me again. And I try controlling it, but sometimes I burst out. Now something happened and I kind of blamed him that he is doing this things behind my back. He is extremely hurt. And broke up with me. He has blocked me from everywhere and is shutting me off. I want him back cause I really do love him – what should I do?

Hi Anoushka. 1998 –

This is always a very difficult situation.  It’s hard enough to open yourself up and trust someone when they haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s really hard when they have.

Now if there weren’t three particular words in your question, I’d have some very particular suggestions on how to try to repair the relationship.  But those would be based on my believing that both of you agreed about what happened in the past.

What worries me is when you say he cheated on you once “and never accepted it.” 

Okay, that’s four words.  Sorry.  Doggy brain.

Are you saying that he never admitted that he cheated, or that he never accepted how serious this experience was for you?  Or is it that you never accepted it?

It looks to me like you’re saying he didn’t accept it.  And whatever he didn’t accept, I think there’s our big problem.

If a person cheats, and admits it, and expresses regret, then there’s a way for the relationship to move forward, and maybe work out.  But if they deny it, or say it didn’t matter, or some such thing, then there’s no way for the couple to move forward.

I love to tell the story of the time Handsome was in a big hurry and put me in the back seat of his car and slammed the door – on my tail!  WOW did that hurt!  I let out a scream, and so did he – his was something like “OH NO!!!  What have I done?!”  He threw the door open, started feeling my tail to see if he’d broken any bones in it, and then covered me in kisses and caresses, saying over and over how sorry he was.

Now my initial reaction to this was shock – I couldn’t believe he could have made a mistake like that.  But his affection calmed me down, and, now that we both knew he was capable of such a thing, he has always been extra careful with doors, and I’m always careful, when I get into a car, to turn around so my tail is all the way in the seat!

In other words, we both work together to make sure this awfulness never happens again (and it hasn’t, I’m glad to say!).

But imagine if I’d yelped, and he’d ignored it.  Or if he’d said “You stupid dog, that’s what you get for having your tail in the doorway!”  I’d never really be able to trust him again.

So if your boyfriend has really shown that he’s sorry for what he did, and has admitted everything, then you’re probably a little too suspicious, and shouldn’t have accused him of something he didn’t do, and maybe if you call him and apologize, you can work it out.

But if he hasn’t accepted how much he hurt you, then he might as well have slammed a door on your tail – there’s no way you can really fix this, or learn to trust him.  And all this blocking you is probably his way of avoiding feeling guilty about the truth.

And I’m awfully sorry to say it, but if it’s this last one that’s true, the only job ahead of you is to start the painful work of getting over him.  Because he’s working very hard to make sure you have nothing to trust in this relationship.

Wishing you strength and the best of luck,

Shirelle

1 How to navigate a friends-with-benefits relationship

Tejaswani asks: I’m in a friends with benefits arrangement. I’m not the casual relationship kind of a person. I usually catch feelings after a certain point. This guy is not into the commitment thing at all so relationship is out of the picture. I’m a short and plump girl. My best friend is hot and guys are often attracted to her and approach me to get to her. Sometimes it gets just very annoying. So this guy is also somewhat attracted towards her and says that he might end up dating her jokingly often but it hurts. I don’t know what to do or whatever.

Hi Tejaswani –

You probably know that my main relationship is with a human I call Handsome.  He adores me, I adore him, he scratches my tummy, I lick his nose, he feeds me, I protect his home from squirrels and burglars… it’s a pretty great relationship.

One thing both of us were quite weak at when we first met was Personal Boundaries.  I was a puppy and simply didn’t care or conceive of them, and Handsome was a guy who let others walk all over him (or in my case, bite him, chew on him, pull on him, etc!)

Over time, though, we both learned ways we needed them.  I needed his friends and girlfriends to respect my rights, and he needed me to learn not to jump on everyone I wanted to, and at times to leave him quiet and alone.  It was the opposite of our usual crazy-love energy, but it’s made both our lives better.

I want to somehow give you an overflowing bowl of Personal Boundaries!!!

You describe yourself as “not the casual relationship kind of person,” and yet you’re in a “friends with benefits arrangement.”  I see a big problem here already!  Then you explain that you care about this guy, and he isn’t into commitment, and even might be interested in your friend, whom you often see other guys attracted to, even to the point of using you to get close to her.

This sounds MISERABLE to me!

Now I don’t know if he’s just Continue reading

0 How to help special-needs children in mainstream classes

Megan asks: Hi my son has ADHD and he was in a special class last year and his teacher decided that we give his a chance In a mainstream class. My son was so excited that he was going to a normal class, but now I think that it wasn’t a good idea, because the work is getting too much for him to handle. I spoke to him and explained to him that it’s fine, that he should just come to me and tell me that he can’t cope, and then we can make a plan. I think he is afraid to disappoint himself and of what other kids would say. I try to encourage him. I don’t know what to say to him anymore. What do I do?

Hi Megan –

I can’t know enough to say whether this particular school is right for your son. But you do bring up an issue that I think is awfully important, which is what seems to be his embarrassment or shame about having ADHD.

Of course it’s very normal for all kids to want to fit in with their classmates. And I have no doubt it’s tough for him to be in this in-between status, too “normal” for the special class, and too “different” for the mainstream one.  It’s like when I first went to the dog park – I was too new to know how to play with the adult dogs, and too big to play with the puppies – a really frustrating day!

Now eventually I learned to do just great at the park, so that thought makes me think that maybe you should Continue reading

0 How to pursue a crush who already has a boyfriend or girlfriend

ROhit1996 asks: A girl has been living in my house as a paying guest for a month. I like that girl so much, and I think she is also likes me. But one day I found out that she already has a boyfriend. I was disappointed, and tried to forget about her, but I can’t. I like that girl so much I want to live with her as a partner for a whole life. But because of her boyfriend, I can’t tell her my emotions. She told me that she is moving from here in one week, and now I can’t imagine a day without her! I enjoy her company so much and I want that company for life time. What should I do?!

Hi ROhit1996 –

I love it when I get romantic stories like this!  And I know there’s one person who’d love it even more than I would…  That Girl!

Now you’re absolutely right that you need to be very careful about how you treat her.  She’s a paying guest in your house, so it would be awful for you to put any giant pressure on her, or make her feel uncomfortable while she’s a renter.

But there’s the great news… she’s moving out in a week!  So you can tell her exactly how you feel, with no problem!

And here’s the thing that strikes me.  She’s been there a month, and you completely fell for her, without knowing she had a boyfriend.  Well unless you truly fell in love at first sight, this makes me think he’s not all that big a part of her life!  Maybe they’re dating, but she doesn’t talk about him or bring him around much, and you weren’t seeing him showing up at the door with bulging muscles and bouquets of flowers and a fancy convertible…

Which makes me think she’s not all that  attached!

And you don’t need to say all that stuff about what you’re doing the rest of your life, or even be full-on romantic.  Just say that Continue reading