Deadpool asks: I was in a kind of relationship with this girl, though we never labelled it. We both said we love each other, the first 2-3 months gave me the best feeling in the world; however after that it has not been good. When you are into a person so much you might not realize small changes in them, but I surely know things are not the same. We text each other just as a formality now; tired of all this I left the particular social media on which we were talking without telling her, and she didn’t even call or text me to know why. I don’t know why there are these changes when nothing bad happened between us. I always try to make her happy. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Deadpool –
I have some very sad news for you.
Do you ever watch those medical TV shows, where a surgeon is trying desperately to save someone’s life, and their heart has stopped but the surgeon keeps madly pressing on it over and over, screaming to the other doctors that there’s still a chance, but that computer behind them shows that there’s no heartbeat, that the pulse is just a flat line going across, emitting a cruel steady beep?
It sounds to me like this relationship of yours has flatlined.
That doesn’t mean it was bad or wrong, or that there’s anything wrong with you or your girlfriend. It just means it’s time to part, and to try to stay friends.
When I hear things like “as a formality,” or that communication is getting cut off and the other person isn’t noticing or caring… it’s a big sign to me that it’s time to let this go.
See, if one person in the relationship is feeling disconnected, but the other is fully in, then there’s a chance they can pull the other back to them. But in a case like yours, both of you are feeling the lack. And if that’s the case, there’s no way to make it work.
Well, I’ll change that. Let’s say you two were married, and even had children. And you were feeling this. Then I’d say that that’s a common phase in a marriage, and that there are ways for the couple to work to rebuild their relationship in order to save the family.
But that’s not where you guys are. You’re free, in a relationship that’s never even been defined. You are SOOOOO ready now to get into new relationships with new people, with awareness of what worked and what didn’t in this last one. You’re right, you both have changed and grown – and that’s a GOOD thing! Embrace that fact, and step into the new adventures that life offers.
But I’ll throw in one wish. A big one. If there’s any way, if you two could actually not just “stay friends” but stay REAL friends, imagine what good you could do for each other. She’s dating a guy and having problems and calls you, and you point out “You might be ignoring the signs he’s giving, like you did when I cut you off on social media,” or she might say to you, “Sounds like you’re writing her texts as a formality, and when you did that to me it was such a turnoff.” And of course there’s the good side too, “You know, if you could tell her a joke when she’s crying, the way you did to me, she’ll fall right in love with you,” or “If you really want him to notice you, I’d suggest that red dress you wore to that dance with me…”
I have trouble with the noise of violent movies, but my friend Handsome told me about the one your name is from. Well, it seems to me that your romance has won the “dead pool,” my friend. But perhaps you, and she, have won the Rebirth Pool instead. Yeah there might be a tough conversation or two. But both of you have futures of pure delight, just beyond that door.
All my best,