Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 What should a teacher do if they develop a crush on a student

Vanitha asks: I’m 27 and single. Even as a teenager I haven’t ever admired any guy’s physical appearance. For the past 2 years my parents have sought an alliance for me, but its not working. Due to that depression I’m getting attracted to many guys these days. Currently I’m working as a teacher, and now I’ve developed a huge crush on a student. I know this is a wrong thing, but I can’t control my feelings. I want to see him always. Please advise me.

Hi Vanitha –

Your letter brings up a lot of issues, but for me the best thing is your understanding that you simply can’t act on those feelings about your student.  It would be really wrong.  But, at the same time, it would be crazy to deny those feelings are there.

In fact, I think your feelings are absolutely appropriate.

We dogs are born way more developed than you people – after all, we’re usually walking within a few days of our birth, and you guys don’t get started on it for a year.  But once we get going, most puppies develop at around the same rate.  Whereas you humans vary a lot.  Some babies start with a few words, and build their vocabularies, while others don’t say a syllable till they start talking in complete sentences.

And then there are what are called Late Bloomers.

Those are the people who seem more like children, well into their teen years.  Maybe they don’t start getting interested in anyone romantically/sexually till years after their classmates do.  Maybe even their bodies change later than other teens.

And Vanitha, you sound to me like a very Late Bloomer.  It sounds to me like the feelings that most girls start getting around age 13 didn’t come to you until you were in your 20s.  And now you’re beginning to notice men, and are ready for your first crush.

Well, doesn’t it make sense that your first crush is on a teenage boy?  After all, most other girls’ first crushes are.

Just because your body is 27 years old doesn’t mean your romantic sense is.  No, you’re actually going through a teenage experience, much later than most.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  In fact, it’s kind of cool.  As long as you don’t do anything wrong.

Think about it.  Most teenagers want to be able to leave home and stay out all night…  You Can!  Most teenagers want to be able to drink the same things as adults… You Can!  And most teenagers want to be treated as equals by the grownups around them…  You Can!

But as you enter the world of romance, you’ve got a bit of a problem.  What we want is for you to Continue reading

0 Should a young person pursue wild dreams or follow a practical path?

Lil Chen asks: We only live once and I don’t want to live my life knowing that I wasn’t able to pursue my goals. Recently, I went to the guidance counselor today and teared up thinking how much I wasted my years. I had this principle or value that I should focus more on the present but now that I think about it, the present is like only for fun, or something like that. It’s important but the future also matters. It’s what sets you for life. I don’t know what course to take in college and when they (guidance counselor) asked me what my interests were, all I could think of was KPOP/Entertainer/Singer/Comedian/Artist. But to be honest, that’s what I want. I didn’t want to share it in fear that they will mock me or something. I asked them though that if I wanted to pursue my interest but lack in talent, was it ok or reachable, and they said yes which gave me hope and some motivation. I was an honor student in Grade 11 but now I lost my motivation to study or do things, which is why I failed to reach the cut off for my STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics) courses, some of them (nursing, engineering, etc.) I slept in the exam and I totally regret it. I think my self-esteem was more wounded when I shared my interest to my friends and they just laughed it off and gave me a lecture about the impossibility of that happening. I don’t know if there are times when they thought I was serious. There are times where they tell me if I become one, I should still remember them but then there are times when they say that it’s impossible. I’m confused whether they support me or not. Face Reality is what they call it, but I believe that if I do try hard enough, I can actually try and do it. That could also be the meaning of Face Reality. As long as I am motivated and really want to do it then I can achieve it. Before I used to be really quiet, as in winning the “My Lips Are Sealed Award” in 6th grade for being silent since 3rd grade, and my silence continued till 2nd year or 8th grade. I decided that I wanted to change, so I did and became this talkative and somewhat class clown (girl ver.) in class. Due to that, a lot of people don’t take me seriously and since I want to make friends and don’t really wanna hurt our relationship, I contain my anger and I don’t usually have that kind of emotional or dramatic kind of life anymore. Laugh and smile! So I don’t know how to console people who have problems anymore. I don’t know what to say or if what I’m saying is right. But lately, I keep weeping to myself about life and just about everything. Life is hard but I keep holding on to the saying that if I try hard enough, I can do anything in life. For now, I plan to retake the test so I can have more options (nursing, engineering, etc.) or take exams from different schools (though I don’t want to transfer schools). My backup course is either nursing, architect or International Languages. I tried to repeat it to my friends and family about planning to save up money to go to Korea next year and join voice lessons this summer and keep practicing and also learning Korean on my own. That way I will be able to audition for agencies next year. I don’t think they took me seriously, and I’m not much of a serious talker, so I guess thanks to that I get hurt when they say bad things and encouraged when they say good stuff. Another problem is the age requirement to become an ‘idol.’ They take teens mostly and I’m already 18. If I go to Korea, I’ll be 21. They do still accept early 20’s but its kind of risky especially since I’m a foreigner. Which is why I wished to go back 5 years more so I can actually be more prepared, but I realized what I wanted too late. When I was a quiet person, I was more of “This is impossible” and stuff like that but I changed and I like this change (a little too much). So it will be a slim chance that they accept me as a trainee with my age and all the more I only went back to voice lessons this year while learning Korean all by myself. Another requirement is dancing, and since I want to save money, I want to teach myself, but I also want to get a teacher. Life is hard I know, but I also know that if I have faith and hope, we can achieve what we want in life. I’m also scared to talk to my parents about it cuz last time I told my dad I wanted to be a singer, he laughed at me and asked how can I become one if I don’t practice. I wanted to pursue voice lessons back then again (I took voice lessons before) but I was sad that he didn’t really encourage me to go on. I asked my mom about what I should do with my life and she told me that it’s up to me. I don’t know what’d she do if I tell her I wanna be an artist, and I’m scared of her response. I rely too much on my external motivation and our teacher told us that our internal motivations are more powerful so I want to change that. Am I making the right decision? Or are there more ways to help me fuel my motivation?

Hi Lil Chen –

When you wrote me a couple of years ago, you talked about having a bunch of goals, and struggling to figure out which to pursue.  And what saddens me in your letter is that it sounds to me like you didn’t really pursue the one you wanted the most, but instead absorbed a lot of negativity from people around you.

Here’s the truth: making it as a performer is hard, and rare.  It takes real commitment.  Talent’s great, but commitment is more important.  And you need to loooooooove what you do.

So, right now, I know that you would love to be a KPOP star, but I don’t know how much you love singing or dancing.  And I don’t know because you don’t.  I promise you, Adele was told for years that she didn’t have the looks to be a singing star, Taylor Swift was told she was too young and should focus on her schoolwork… and Psy was told he didn’t look anything like a dancer!

So I’m going to agree with you.  That it would have been better for you to try these things when you were younger, but it’s not too late.  But my friend, this is the time to jump in.  Sure, pass those exams (it’s always great to have a fallback, and even big stars like Emma Watson and Natalie Portman took time off their careers to get university degrees).  But most importantly, START SINGING!  Sing every day.  Take lessons if you can, but sing LOTS. And start dancing.  Imitate the dancers you like best and try to match their moves.  Then, if you can get lessons, all the better.

And if you do this, one of two things will happen.  Either doing this singing and dancing will fill your heart with joy and excitement, and you’ll be ready to devote yourself to them… or it won’t.  And either way, you’ll have learned what you truly feel.

When I wrote you before, I told you I loved chasing squirrels, whether I caught them or not.  The world is full of people who love to sing and dance but didn’t become stars.  Find out if you’re one of them, first.  And if you are, THEN devote yourself to trying for stardom.  And you’ll have no bigger supporter than this pup!

And if you find you don’t love doing those things… oh, you’ll just have to suffer with being (from what I can see) quite brilliant and becoming a great success who might change the world!

STOP WAITING!  THE TIME IS NOW!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should people start to date each other before they move apart?

Wooff asks: There was this guy I liked intensely, but things didn’t work out because we were kids and we both made dumb decisions. Long story short, I kept regretting not talking to him and it’s already been 4 years. And I still like him, kind of. So I heard from a friend that he’s leaving the country, so I decided to just do it. Knock him and tell him that I’m sorry for everything. Sorry for acting like it was one-sided and to let him know that the feelings were always genuine. He told me that it’s okay and we’re on friendly terms. He also told me that it’s funny how, even if the feelings are just apologetic, they’re the same after so many years. But with all that being said, he plans to leave the country and so do I. So getting involved would be dumb, right? It was so fun talking to him, but he gets on very late because of school and I sleep early so it doesn’t really work. I kind of got annoyed when he knocked me late at night and I was sleepy, so I said I’m going to sleep and went off. It was mean but I was hurt, kind of. I understand but also it’s hard. So anywho, he got on for the rest of the week and didn’t knock, I think he was expecting me to. I didn’t, and the patterns keep repeating. It’s pathetic. And now he doesn’t get on at all. My question to you: what do you make of all this, and would it be dumb to get involved? Meanwhile, I was talking to this guy before I talked to the 1st guy, let’s call him Sam. And we were friends but we kind of hit it off and I like this guy but he has a bad reputation. But his story is different, and I honestly don’t know what to believe. So I want to continue just talking and being friends. There’s no point in hurting myself for no reason at all. Right? He’s known as a player but he’s also very quiet so I’m just confused. He’s super-shy so I don’t understand how that works, but also he wooed me in via chat so who knows? What do you suppose I do?

Hi Wooff –

My dear, I’m going to give you an answer that isn’t exactly what you asked, but I think it’s the truth.

I have this friend named Aria.  She’s a very nervous dog, nowhere near as friendly and enthusiastic as I am.  She came from a bad background, and never even learned to play when she was a puppy.  So when her human gave her some toys, she didn’t know how to chase them or pull on them, or rip their insides out, the way I like to do!  But instead, over time, she sort of adopted one.  It’s a little lamb toy, and she likes to just carry it with her when she goes inside or outside.  She then doesn’t do anything with it, just lies by it.

Why?  Because it makes her feel comfortable.  She feels less alone, naked, vulnerable.

And I find that humans, especially when they’re about to move away from home for the first time, often do the same sort of thing.  They’ll suddenly care about childhood toys in a way they hadn’t for years.  Or they’ll suddenly decide they’re great friends with people at school they never really cared about before.

None of these are bad things, of course.  It’s just that I’d tell them to, instead, focus on what really matters.  Spending time with those family and friends who have meant a lot to them.  In order to ensure that those relationships continue after everyone’s moved away.

But one other thing I’ll see people do is to get romantically involved with someone at home.  Right before they’re about to leave and meet hundreds of new people – people who will then be near them and available for hanging out and doing fun stuff with.

Why?  Because, just like Aria and the lamb, they think they’ll feel more comfortable, less vulnerable and alone, when they’re in that new setting.

And here’s my harsh statement, Wooff – it doesn’t work.  The people still feel nervous and alone, even if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend somewhere else.  And then, over time, they get more comfortable with those new people, and almost always (not absolutely always – but almost always) they end up breaking up with that person from home.  Because moving away has changed them each.

So my advice is to Continue reading

0 How to sincerely apologize.

rohit1996 asks: Some days ago I did a mistake. In anger I insulted a girl who is my friend. My behaviour was the worst. We have not talked for long time. Now I feel guilty. I want to tell her I’m sorry. But she is out of town for a long time. I want to talk her about my mistake, but I can’t call her because I think she doesn’t want to talk with me. I am afraid for if she will not talk with me then I can’t do anything. Please give me a solution. I felt very sorry for that moment. but at that time situation is not in my control. I want to apologize for my behaviour in front of her. So plz help me. It’s a long time since we’ve talked. Now I can’t face her.

Hi rohit1996 –

So this is going to sound weird, but you’re actually in a very good place for this.

What I mean is that, very often, people get into arguments and insult each other, and feel they’re each completely right. In this case, you know you were wrong to do it, so there’s no disagreement there. You just have to convince her of two things: first, that you know what you did wrong and are sorry; and second, that she’s safe trusting that you won’t do it again.

The second takes time. The first just requires the simple thing you’re trying to do: getting her to hear you. And for that, I have a few suggestions:

• You might be right that she won’t talk to you. But this is 2018, and there are lots more ways to get in touch with her than ever before. If you text her, and your text begins “I am so sorry,” even if she wants to ignore it she’ll have seen those words. But you can also write her on social media (but in a private way; don’t embarrass both of yourselves by posting it publicly), or in an email, or you can leave a phone message. In fact, maybe you could do ALL of these – so she really gets the message that you care.
• You could write her an “old school” letter. Yeah, the kind on paper, that you mail with a stamp on it. Why? Well, hardly anyone does that anymore. So it seems more official, more serious, more permanent.
• When you get the chance to see her in person, don’t hold back. Just walk right up to her and apologize. Even if you’ve already connected, it makes it clear that you’re going to regret that insult as long as you live. My friend Handsome made an awful mistake a few years ago that he apologizes to a couple of people for still, and plans to for the rest of his life. It’s not that they haven’t moved on and forgiven him; it’s that he can’t forgive himself. And he wants them to know that.
• Whatever you say, MEAN IT. What you wrote me really speaks your pain. Let her hear it too. We dogs don’t apologize much, but when we do, oh man do we let it out – we lick, we run in circles, we howl, we whimper, we jump up – ANYTHING to say how much we feel. So let those feelings out. It will be impossible for her not to notice.

Okay, rohit1996 – those are my suggestions. But there’s, of course, one possibility remaining. That she might refuse all of them. She might be so angry, or so hurt, or so afraid, that she simply can’t let you back in. If so, that’s just awful, and you can certainly keep trying. But it might be a situation where you have to move on, and kind of give up on her. That’d be the worst, but if that happens, you both can live better lives than you would if she just keeps having to avoid you for years.

So try to reach her. Try as hard as you can. And most likely it will work. But even if it doesn’t, you’ll know that you did the best you could.

And I’ll bet you’ll remember never to blow up like that again. And for that alone, this will have been a great learning experience, and make the rest of your life a better one for you and for everyone you know.

GOOD LUCK!

Shirelle

0 How to make a relationship work when both have hurt each other

Aval asks: I am 21 years old and have been in love with a man of my age for more than 4 years. We were happy, till I cheated on him with his best friend. I cried a lot and he accepted me back. But after that I hurt him many times by talking and being in touch with the third person. He showed his anger every time he got hurt. And ill-treated me in response. Which has left me hurt a lot. I am afraid that I’ll lose my temper and that could even end in break up. What should I do?? Should I give up my self-respect to live with him? Or should I move on?

Hi Aval –

This is a really tough situation. On one hand, you’re very open and honest about where you’ve gone wrong. But on the other… you’ve gone wrong a lot. It was hurtful for you to cheat with his best friend, and more by keeping things going in a way he didn’t like.

But now, he’s treating you badly. And the danger is that he might keep on doing it as long as you’re together.

The hardest thing about your situation is that, if you’d just made one or two mistakes, I’d be telling you that you could just talk with him and promise never to cheat again, but say you also need him to treat you with more respect, so that you two can make a better relationship than you’ve ever had – but I worry that, if you did, he’d say “Why should I believe you? You’re a cheater and a liar!”

And this takes me to the bigger question – Does Continue reading

0 How to find a friend when you feel alienated

Arjai101 asks: It’s cold. It’s dark. It’s depressing as hell. I’ve just been really stressed lately with school. I don’t really like my mom’s boyfriend, which is really causing a huge rift with my mom and I. It’s like we’re perpetually at war or something. Or maybe, I’m just a terrible person because I probably just have a weird obsession with hurting people. I feel this immense pressure in general with work. I’ve got to start chipping in a bit with bills, nothing crazy, I just have to cut some of my spending habits, for a while. I mean, I’m fine I guess. Maybe it’s just that time of year, but I kind of just want to be in a relationship, or just to have someone genuinely there for me, romantic or not. I know it’s idealistic of me. But right now, all I need is someone who doesn’t mind if I go off the radar for a while when I’m busy, who’s available to hang out weekends, just blow off steam and stress with, and someone who doesn’t put me on some pedestal. Lately, I feel like everyone thinks I’m some super genius who can save the world or something, just because of some random accolades, that I guess are impressive and the fact that I’m 16 and go to university. It’s just this massive weight on my shoulders to keep it up, to somehow keep topping yourself. I really need someone who just sees me as a human being, not a list of accolades because I will never be able to always live up to that. I have my moments sure, but most of the time I’m overwhelmingly mediocre. I guess I’m just rambling off. But, I really need a friend or something. Someone I just really click with, who’s just available, when I am, and there aren’t complications and other stupid things, or mind games. I feel like a lot of my friends are either not actually my friends, or I just don’t have a great time with them because our personalities don’t mesh well. Anyhow, how do you even meet people? Like, I’m out in public and think maybe I should talk to this stranger. But, is that actually a wise thing to do? Or, where is it even okay to talk to strangers? And then, I’m just surrounded by people who are just older than me. And then, what do I even want from people? Have I actually been the diabolical crazy one the whole time? Just overthinking and coldly calculating things, and then going off the rails when things don’t go my way? Am I really the reason, that at the end of the day I still feel so lonely? Like maybe I’ve tried so hard to build this person, that no one even wants to go near it. Maybe, I need to take more risks. I feel like I make huge risks all of the time. But maybe not the right ones, maybe not the social ones. Maybe I should just do what I feel and forget the consequences. But then you have to look at the consequences every single day. I honestly just don’t want to take responsibility for anything. Like, what if I just approached that one person? But then, you will never truly know what they’re thinking, and then people talk, and things go wrong. At this point, I think I’m writing to you just to be writing about it. Like, I just feel like I don’t understand anything. And, I just feel so much right now. And, I’m so confused. And, I want so much. But unlike with school, I have no idea how to even go for it. I don’t think I really am all that good when reading people, especially when it pertains to me. I mean with other people, it’s easy as pie. But when it comes to me, I just don’t know what to think. The stakes just seem ridiculous. I don’t know. I don’t know. I literally just don’t know anything. And, I guess I’ll just leave it at that because I could go on forever and think myself into deeper holes.

Hi Arjai101 –

My dear friend (and yes I consider you a friend), there’s no way in the world you could have gone to college as young as you did and not find yourself in this exact situation.   Let’s say it simply – life is hard at age 16 for everyone, and everyone tends to feel alone and alienated, and you actually are different from everyone around you. Both because of your age, and because of your intelligence.

Think about it, human intelligence (and I suppose doggy intelligence too) exists on what they call a bell-curve, where most people are in the middle hump, and the rest get fewer and fewer as they get further from “normal.” I don’t know your IQ, but I’m going to guess it’s very high, maybe 140 or more? Well that means that you “fit in” just as much as people with IQs of 60 or less, which is considered mentally deficient! Imagine if I were at your school (four-legged, unable to speak) – I might be as much an outsider as you! And I’m a different species!

So am I saying there’s something wrong with what you are, or that you made the wrong choice? Not at all. But I am saying that your life is guaranteed to be difficult, because of your intelligence and your youth at school. You also might end up incredibly successful and famous for just these same reasons. But for now, it’s just lonely and tough.

I have other pieces on AskShirelle about how to make friends at school, but you’re in a special situation. I’ve suggested before that you look at student organizations, or activities, or joining some sort of cause. And I still think those would be the best bet for you to make some new friends. But if those aren’t working for you, I’d suggest you Continue reading

0 What to do when someone gives you mixed signals

Pennelope0214 asks: Hi so I have this guy who is really cute and perfect. I am not sure if he likes me too or not. There have been times when he has shown his care and gets upset when I do something wrong. Like today, I abused a guy and this guy got kinda upset and stopped talking to me. I tried too hard and apologized. After a lot of effort he finally accepted it. When we go for walk he wraps his arms around mine but leaves when someone comes. We always have lunch, dinner, breakfast altogether. Today when he was angry he didn’t even take his dinner. I don’t know what is on his mind, which I’d really like to know.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

So of course, I don’t know anything more than what you’ve told me, but I’ll say this – based on what I know, I like him too! I like that he got upset when you were mean to that other guy (It shows character, like when my human friend Handsome pulls me away and scolds me if I pick on an annoying puppy).

I also like that he shows affection to you, but then doesn’t show it off to others, as so many guys do.

But of course, then I don’t like that he actually leaves! And I’ll bet you don’t either!

So the fact that you eat pretty much all your meals together means he likes you a lot – at least as a friend. But then it’s clear that he’s not letting you know everything.

And here’s the bad news – I have no idea what else he’s feeling. He could feel “brotherly” to you, and enjoy holding you in that way, but be more interested in someone else. He could have very mixed feelings toward you and not know for sure what to do. Or he could be in love with you and frustrated that he doesn’t know how you feel!

So since I can’t read his mind, the only suggestion I can come up with is that you Continue reading

2 How to celebrate Christmas when you’re out of money

RAMBO Asks: Christmas is here in Zambia. I don’t have presents to give to the kids. Tell me what can I do. Maybe you are able to help me make the kids happy, and other people here in Zambia.

Hi RAMBO –

I have to confess, I live half the world away from Zambia, and don’t know anything about where to shop or find toys and games there.

But as a dog, I am an expert on finding ways to make people happy, without the ability to buy or make much of anything. In fact, my human friend Handsome often tells me I am the Christmas spirit, all year round (at least to him).

So let me throw some thoughts at you.

First of all, remember that the Christmas story is about people so poor they had nothing but clothes and a donkey to ride on, who were so oppressed by their government that their unborn child’s life was in danger, and who weren’t even given a room at an inn when they were about to give birth, and so had to use a feeding trough for barn animals as their newborn baby’s crib. Yes, some kings and wise men showed up with some nice gifts for the infant (though what exactly he was supposed to do with frankincense, myrrh, or even gold is beyond me!), but these folks had nothing.

Nothing but love.

There are many great stories where the most precious Christmas gifts are the ones from the poor, from The Little Drummer Boy to The Gift of the Magi. The fact is, although advertisers and media will tell you that what kids need most is lots of expensive products, what matters far more is what they feel from you. This is why they love us dogs! We give them absolutely nothing to play with (I tried to give Handsome a dead squirrel once, but he showed no interest in playing with it at all; in fact, it kind of scared him when I dropped it at his feet!). But we give them attention and goofy, boundless love all the time.

Continue reading

0 What a teen should do if they fall in love with their teacher

Akasa asks: I like my physics teacher a lot but he is married and has 2 children what should I do

Hi Akasa –

It’s funny, just today I also got a question from someone who is in love with a boy at her school, and knows he loves her too, but he has a girlfriend. So I had lots of advice about how to bide her time and be in the position to possibly get him to herself later.

I’m not saying those things to you.  For a big reason.

Crushes can be really painful, I know. And teachers can be so charismatic and exciting (and so much more mature than the boys in your class). But one of two truths exist here: A) Nothing will ever happen between you and him. Or B) Something could happen, which would be absolutely horrible for both of you.

If a teacher (even if he’s unmarried and childless) has any sort of a romance with a student, he’s likely to lose his career. And rightly so – he’d be taking advantage of your normal, beautiful, young feelings. A good teacher can be a great way for you to develop a sense of what kind of person you’d like to be involved with, while keeping safe by not in any way approaching you. Teachers who get involved with their students are accused of “using” them, manipulating them, and, yes, molesting them. You don’t want any of these things in your life.

And beyond all that, he’s married with kids. If he’s a good guy, he is very loyal to them, and would never stray, even if you weren’t his student and younger than him.

In fact, this reminds me of a beautiful movie Handsome showed me once, called The Age of Innocence. A woman with a horrible, abusive husband falls in love with a very good man, whose young bride isn’t nearly as interesting as this woman, and they almost have an affair, but the woman calls it off, because the quality that she loves most in this man – that he’s more moral and caring than the other guys she sees in her society – would be ruined if they had the affair. She’d literally lose her love by acting on it!

So while, again, I understand that your love for this man hurts, the fact is that not only are you looking at a probably hopeless situation, but also I really hope it’s completely hopeless!

And I hope that, soon, some age-appropriate, single boy, who isn’t nearly as mature or brilliant or charismatic as that teacher, wins your heart and makes you feel like you’re flying past the moon!

(Which as your teacher can tell you, is very difficult because of the gravitational pull where objects fall at 32 feet per second squared and….)

Heh heh. Hey, how often does a pooch come up with a physics joke? I’m so proud of that one I’m going to go outside and bark at a squirrel.

But I wish I could do what I really want, which is to jump on you and give you so many licks in the face that you’re able to feel better about all this.

Which I’m sure you will soon.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Is it an insult for someone to comment you used to be thinner?

Deb asks: Sara and Alex are Aunt and nephew. Sara is 50 years old and Alex is 14. They are very close. One of the days they spent together Alex looked at his parents wedding album (29 years) and saw a picture of his Aunt Sara. Alex said to his Aunt Sara “You look thin.” This upset her because she thought Alex didn’t think she is thin now, because everyone always tells her (past and present) she is skinny, and wouldn’t that remark only be said to someone who isn’t thin in the present. Alex did tell her he was joking, then he said he was giving her a compliment and said he thought she was thin then and thin now. The day after she Instant Messaged her older nephew (21 years old, and who she also is very close to and the brother of the younger nephew). She told her older nephew the story, he related it to his mom (her sister) and the next day Sara spoke to her sister, who said “I asked Alex and all Alex was saying was you looked good in that picture, that Alex doesn’t compare what someone looked like in the past and compare it to the present. That Alex, his brother, me and their father all think of you as extremely skinny.” My question do you think Sara overreacted and read into what Alex said? Even Sara’s mother told Sara she thinks Sara is skinny.

Hi Deb –

Well of course I don’t know the people involved, and have no idea what Sara looked like 29 years ago or how she looks now. But I do know a bit about 14-year-old boys.

And what I know about them is that they have basically no subtle social skills at all!

In fact, they’re kind of like me. I jump on people, lick their faces, bite their ankles in fun, all things that a well-trained mature dog would never do.

Now teen boys don’t do that, but they might say something without remotely thinking how it would sound to an adult.

So sure, if an adult man said to Sara, “You looked skinny 29 years ago,” that might well mean that he thinks she doesn’t look skinny now, and that she looked better then. But that 14-year-old? He might mean that she looked too skinny then, not like the aunt he loves now (which could just mean that she was 21 and so shaped a bit differently). Or it could be a compliment that she looked skinnier than other people at the wedding, or other people he knows.

But my main statement to you is that it sounds like he never meant to insult her at all, and so there’s nothing for her to worry about. After all, you say that everyone tells her she looks thin now. Then who really cares what a kid thinks about how she looked three decades ago?!

But how a dog thinks her shoes smell? That’s extremely important, and everyone should care a lot about that! Always!

All my best,

Shirelle