Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 How to deal with a parent who gives her younger child less freedom than the older one

Greta asks: My elder sister has been dating her boyfriend for two years now. They are very happy together and I am happy for them as well. But my mom has a problem when I even talk about guys – she doesn’t want me to date at all. Why is this so?

Hi Greta –

From what I see of humans, there are two sorts of parents.  One sort is very protective of their first kid; then over time they realize they don’t need to worry so much, and they give their next child a lot more freedom.  The other sort see their first child as adult and responsible, and forever see their later kid or kids as children they need to protect and control.  It sounds like you have the second sort.

Now of course, I don’t know how old you are.  For all I know, your sister might be twenty years old and you might be Continue reading

0 How to deal with being rejected by a peer group

knightmare asks: Last August, I had a huge fight with my peer group. I’m always uncomfortable around them, and have trouble trusting them. When we open up, I’m always the subject. They say its my attitude, but when it comes to them, it’s all “never mind.” Now I’ve split from them, with another girl who feels the same way about them. But now it feels like the girls in that group are really against me – and I hear from others about the bad things they say about me! What should I do?

Hi knightmare –

This sounds like a really tough situation.  And I can’t tell you exactly why, but it’s something that happens often with teenage girls.  Boys can be mean to each other too, but it’s in different ways.

The best news in all this is that you have your friend who split from this group with you.  When a girl is alone, facing this sort of treatment, she can feel really victimized, even crazy.  At least you two can Continue reading

0 How to deal with flirting from a friend who is involved with someone

Bell asks: I have a friend (I am a girl and he is a boy). He has a girlfriend, and he claims that he would never cheat on her, but when we are together, we hold each other (for hours, sometimes), we hold hands and talk (in a joke-but-still-seriously kind of way) about him being my boyfriend, and he usually says things like “I like you so much because I could never talk about this with my girlfriend” or “Do you want to have children? Me too! But my girlfriend doesn’t.” Do you think this is just friendship, or that he has feelings for me?

Hi Bell –

Well I don’t know enough to be sure, but it sounds to me like this boy is kind of toying with you.  I don’t know what his feelings for you are, but it definitely sounds like he’s enjoying the cheating-without-cheating that he’s doing to his girlfriend.  So my concerns are: a) you might start to feel more for him than you do now, and get hurt because he’s not planning to leave her, and b) she might get very angry and even hurtful to you, because she sees you as the “other woman” in his life.

It doesn’t sound to me like you’re doing anything wrong, but I think it might be a good idea for you to put some boundaries up between you and him.  Certainly there’s no reason to end your friendship, but he’s putting you in too delicate a situation for it to be Continue reading

0 How to deal with people giving mean criticism

Cinderrella asks: My dad has been treating me pretty different for the last few weeks because I didn’t do well in my last exams, and he is always telling me not to eat too much because apparently I’m fat even when I’m not eating, and at school I’m just sick and tired of people teasing me about my scars (I was burned when i was 2 years old) and about my weight. Really it’s not as if I don’t try to exercise – I do, but it isn’t working! I try not to mind people and just be strong, but it seems I’m getting weaker by the day and I just wanna give up! I feel so lonely, because I feel like there is no one who can understand me. Please help me!

Hi Cinderrella –

I get so angry that the hair on my back stands up and my lips curl to show my fangs, when I hear about people getting on teenage girls’ cases about their weight.  We have such a problem today with teenage girls worrying too much, and thinking they’re fat when they’re not, and then doing awful things like starving or purging themselves.  I’m all for you eating well and in moderation (something I have tremendous trouble with, whenever I get near a pizza!), and exercising well.  But if you have trouble keeping your weight where you want it even then, the solution is to see a doctor or a nutritionist, not to Continue reading

0 How to tell someone you think they’re great

Lady Ritzy asks: My feelings about my cousin is just something more than regular kind of feelings, and I would never want to marry him. I just want to him know I love him, but that’s all!! At the same time, I hate the idea of doing it, and maybe I shouldn’t tell him, “Hey I love you more than every thing in whole world!” Maybe one day I’ll find some other guy better than him!!

Hi Lady Ritzy –

I guess I’ve been a little confused.  You say you’re having trouble telling your cousin how much you love him, and starting a conversation with him, but that this isn’t a romantic feeling.  So is it that you just simply idolize him, think he’s the best thing there is, and have trouble telling him how terrific he is?

Wow, if that’s it, this is WAY easier than I was thinking!  I have one very thought-out answer for you:

DO Continue reading

0 Should you date before society says you’re ready?

negar.7 asks: Hello, I’m 14 and I’m from Iran. Here I can say that it’s not very good to have a boyfriend because when your parents found out that you do, they’ll probably get angry. And I’m a teenage girl who loves to talk with boys! So I would love to have boyfriend, but I think it’s too soon. Look, you know that we have a lot of restrictions, so what is the best choice? To have a boyfriend or not? Please help me. Thank you.

Hi Negar.7 –

It’s so interesting how this happens.  Many people write to me that they want a boyfriend or girlfriend now, and that others say they can’t.   But I have only had two people write me that they want one but they feel they shouldn’t because they’re too young.  Both of them wrote me in the same week, both are teenage girls, and both are in Iran!  So I’m not sure what that means, and I don’t know what part of Iran either of you lives in, but if you ever bump into someone named Lady Ritzy, you two have quite a bit in common!

I’ll tell you the same thing I said to her: I can’t agree or disagree with you about when to first have a boyfriend.  I think it’s up to the people involved.  My bigger concern (as I say in a lot of posts here) is what the boyfriend and girlfriend do, especially if one of them feels they’re not ready for it.  But if people want to hold hands and kiss for the first time at age 11 or age 21, that’s their business!  So in other words, I totally support your decision to hold off on that till you feel ready.

You’re right, Negar.7, if the society around you doesn’t support you having a boyfriend yet, then you’re probably better off not pursuing a guy this soon.  While people your age in other countries might already be dating, there’s no reason why you have to now.  And after all, once you start, you’ll have the rest of your life ahead of you (After all, no one says “Hey you’re 65, you can’t go out with anyone anymore, even your husband or wife!”).

It sounds to me, though, like you might be a person who wants to start dating a bit before some others say you should.  Well, if so, then my main concern is that you know what you’re doing when you do.  If you have any questions – about dating, about sex, about what guys want and need, about whatever – please feel free to write me anytime.  I can’t pretend that I know everything, but I’ll tell you what I do know (and I can ask some smart people about things I don’t know enough about).  Also, I have a post I’m very proud of that you might want to read, on the AskShirelle website.  It’s titled How should I deal with it if my date wants to do more than I do?, and it’s an answer to a question from HarrietteS.  Check it out.  But again, if you have any other questions, I’m here for you!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 Should a girl wait to have her first boyfriend?

Lady Ritzy asks: Girls in this site generally talk about their boy friends. I wish I could have a BF too. I don’t know if you can understand me or not, but I think in this age it’s too soon to have BF, because I want to focus in my school and studying. Maybe it’s better to wait and see what will happen!!! Do you have a person from Iran or in your website people are just from US??? You know I’m really glad that I found this website and guess what I found it from wiki. Thanks, I feel so comfortable with you.

Hi Lady Ritzy –

Well I can’t agree or disagree with you about when to first have a boyfriend.  I think it’s up to the people involved.  My bigger concern (as I say in a lot of posts here) is what the boyfriend and girlfriend do, especially if one of them feels they’re not ready for it.  But if people want to hold hands and kiss for the first time at age 11 or age 21, that’s their business!  So in other words, I totally support your decision to hold off on that till you feel ready.  And yes, do that studying, and become successful enough that you can really devote yourself to that great romance that’s awaiting you in the future… sometime after Chemistry and Calculus have let you go!

To your other question, I don’t have a lot of “website people.”  I write all the material myself, while Handsome helps me with getting it onto the computer.  Then I have a wonderful website designer named Sherice, who you can find at www.ielectrify.com, and I can’t recommend highly enough.  Handsome and Sherice both live in the U.S., though so far apart that they’ve never met!  Then there is one other person who’s very involved.  And that is the wonderful, incredible artist who has made all the beautiful pictures you see on this site.  His name is Martin, and he lives in Argentina.  And that’s it!  I would love to have someone from Iran working with me too, just because I love Persian food and they might accidentally drop some onto the floor sometimes!  But for now, that’s our whole system.

Thanks for your so-sweet comments!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your best friend hates the person you’re dating

SmileyTeen11 asks: Dear Shirelle, I have a boyfriend and he’s really nice, but one of my friends hates him (she used to date him, and they broke up) and she wants me to dump him. I love her like a sister and don’t want to break our friendship, but I love him with all my heart and have never liked a boy like this! Also, he’s 14 years old and I’m only 12. Is it bad that I’m dating him? I feel such a spark whenever I’m around him! What do I do?):

Oh SmileyTeen11, what a mess this is!  It’s certainly a common one.  Lots of people refuse to ever date anyone who their friends have dated, just to avoid this issue.

But in a way, it comes down to a very simple fact.  You have a great friend.  But that means that she has a great friend too.  And just because you’re dating a guy she hates, that doesn’t mean she’s lost her friend.  You do want to keep her in your life.  So the real responsibility, it seems to me, is on her to deal with it.

You’re very young.  Most likely you’ll have lots of boyfriends, and lots of breakups, in the next 10-20 years.  So will she.  Now if a person insists that, every time they break up with someone, all their friends have to avoid that person, their life is going to get really Continue reading

0 What to do when your friends have romantic problems with each other

Cinderrella asks: I have a problem with some friends, a guy and girl. They both like each other very much, but the girl says she isn’t ready yet to date, so this guy is always coming to find out if she really likes him or not. Since I’m pretty close with both of them, the girl asks me not to tell him anything. I try doing that, but he just doesn’t back off. I don’t want to be mean to him, so what do I do?

Hi Cinderrella  –

I have lots of posts on here about dating issues, but I don’t think that’s the real problem here.  What’s really going on is that your two friends are putting you in the middle of a problem that has absolutely nothing to do with you!

It’s hard, because you’re a nice person who cares about both your friends.  But the truth is that both of them are putting pressure on you that’s really pretty unfair.  I think your job is to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries, without pushing either of them away.

One great way to do it is to be extremely clear.  To say something like “Because I love both of you, I’m going to step out from all of this.  You have to tell each other what you want to the other to know.  But I value you both and so won’t be a mediator between you anymore.”  And if that is enough to get them to stop trying to pull you in, then that’s great.

But what if they don’t?  What if you say that and they just keep making you part of their stuff?  In that case, I’d suggest you get a bit harsher.  Like to say to them “Look, I’m sorry but I just refuse to be part of this. You’re just going to have to work it out yourselves!”  And if that doesn’t work?  Probably you need to be simpler at it:  “No!  I am not part of this!”

The funny thing is that, while it feels like you’re being harsh and unfriendly to them, you’re actually being a better friend.  And you’re definitely doing a better job of holding on to your friendship (since couples often blame the third-party for anything that goes wrong!).

So be strong Cinderrella, and keep those friends.  In the long run, they’ll appreciate it!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 Why do guys like sex?

lady Ritzy asks: Hi dear Shirelle. Why do guys like sex???

Hi Lady Ritzy –

What a funny question.  But I guess it’s really a profound one.  My problem is that you could be asking one or more of three questions, so I’m going to try to answer all of them as best as a doggy can.

First, if you’re asking in terms of biology, most all beings above a certain cellular level reproduce by mating, so there’s an urge in them all for the mating act.  In the higher mammals (including dogs and humans) there is a mixture of sensitive parts of the body liking certain feelings and very powerful urges of attraction.  Although there are billions of exceptions, the majority of cases in these mammals involve the male being the most driven to the Continue reading