Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 Should you have casual sex with someone you’re hoping to create a deeper relationship with

Shin asks: I was approached by a 14-year-old, ‘x’, for sex. I’m 23, I have never done it in my life, it is very tempting, I wish to marry x someday, but I can’t say for sure because in our community parents decide our marriages. Should I do it now or should I wait it out? I’m very tempted and losing my confidence to say no every time I think about this. I haven’t done anything or responded to it, but I have let x know I like x very much . I’m torn apart by temptation and fear of losing and doing something bad to x. Don’t want to hurt x but want x in my life in a carnal way. I thought I had this but I’m starting to feel depressed about my love life which is practically zero, which makes this more tempting. Can’t seem to shake off the idea. X asked me whom I’ll marry and I said are you interested and x just shied away. We haven’t had an opportunity to talk alone since, but I’m scared if I do anything to her it might ruin both our lives. Please help.

Hi Shin –

This is a very tough situation, I understand.  You haven’t had the experiences you’ve wanted, and now you’re being offered something that seems wonderful, by someone who’s willing.  How could I possibly suggest you say no?

But I’m going to.  And really only for one reason.

Of course, I have no idea why x wants to have sex so young.  It’s normal for a human to have urges by age 14, but I find them usually to be a bit scared of the concept.  And why is she interested in a man almost twice her age for this?

My concern is about her.  I wonder if she’s worried that there’s something about her that’s not going to get married (maybe something’s happened to her before), so she’s not valuing her status in your community, the way most girls would.

You see, you might be the best thing that’s ever happened to her.  By being a good guy, who actually wants her in a serious way, you might be different from everyone else around her.  And I fear that giving in to what she’s asking might mess that all up.  (In a lot of places, it would also be illegal, and potentially get you locked up in jail for a while, and maybe labeled a Sexual Predator for the rest of your life – and you are SO much better than that!).

So my suggestion would be to Continue reading

2 Should a working woman stay with a man who doesn’t want her to work

Manisha asks: I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years. We are very serious about each other. I also have a job, but my boyfriend does not like this, but I want to do this job because it’s a good company and for me it’s a big opportunity. He wants me to leave this job because my job hours are 1pm to 10 pm, which he doesn’t like. Before this job I already worked with 2-3 companies also, but always he said to me that leave those also. I even worked in day shifts before, which he also didn’t like, but now I want to do this job and I want his support. He is short-tempered, and while I know he loves me very much, he speaks very harshly to me about my job. And his family also does not want me to do this. We have regular fights with each other. I don’t understand how to convince him. And I love him so much that I am searching for another job. So please tell me, is that good to work late at night? I have always to be on time, and on a daily basis I am doing video calls, phone calls – in short, I am giving my 100% for this relationship but I don’t want him to be sad. I don’t know what’s the problem with me doing this job. I can’t live without him. Should I leave this job for his happiness?

Hi Manisha –

Wow, I’m really torn on this.  On one hand, I love that he wants more of you, that he hates having you away from him, but on the other, it sounds like he might have that attitude that says that women shouldn’t work – and that’s as last-century as Rin Tin Tin movies!

But in truth, I have no more right to give my opinion than he does.  Less!  Because I don’t know a hundred other issues.

For example, how is your boyfriend doing financially?  Is he so well-off that he could support you and a family easily?  So there’s no reason – if you two stayed together – for you to need to work?  Or is he being silly, not acknowledging that he’d really need you to work for you two to be able to have a good life?

For another, could you change your working hours – or could he change his – so that you two could have more time together without one of you having to quit your job?

And beyond that, what’s his family’s interest in this?  Do they just not like women working?

But really, all of these questions are secondary.  The big one is what Continue reading

0 Is it a good idea for a student to take an extra year of school

Ajanardhan asks: I’m looking for advice on my kid’s school admission for coming academic year. To brief in better, she is currently doing PP1 and with a plan to move her to ICSC curriculum I have planned to put her into a particular school. But when I approached the school team, I been informed that UKG admission is not possible, as she is not yet five years old. With no option, and with an interest to put her in ICSC curriculum, I have opted for LKG admission and the seat is confirmed. All I want to be double sure of is that the call I am going to take by making the kid to reappear for PP1/LKG is a good decision or not.

Hi Ajanardhan –

So I have to confess – what I know about specific school systems is that mine offered treats when I got things right, while others give punishments when the pups get things wrong. So I don’t know a lot of the terms you’re using. But I think I get the gist of it, which is that you’d like your child to go into a more advanced year than the schools are allowing, so you’re questioning whether to have her do two years in preparation for the better program.

And my answer is – probably – Continue reading

0 What does it mean if your boyfriend asks for your best friend’s number

intel asks: If my boyfriend asks for my best friend’s number, what is he up to?

Hi intel –

Oh I SOOOOO wish I could read minds!  Then I could tell you exactly what your boyfriend wants with that number.  But since I can’t, my mind goes to…

1) He wants to plan a surprise for you, and to plan it out with your friend

2) He’s suspicious about something, and wants to check with your friend to see if it’s true

3) He’s attracted to your best friend and wants to get to know them

4) He wants to learn more about you and figures your best friend is the best source for information.

It could be any of these, or something else.

But I do have a thought.  Tell your best friend about this, and then give your boyfriend the number.  Then after he calls, have your friend tell you what he called about.  Now if it’s a surprise, this could ruin it a little.  But if you’re concerned enough to write me about it, I’m guessing you have good reasons to ask.  So I’d say to try this, and see what happens.

Good luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone great gives you mixed signals on what they want

Pennelope0214 asks: The wonderful guy I wrote you about, who’s helped me move past those awful experiences, is acting strange now. He is behaving like “just a friend,” he won’t even sit beside me but in front of me instead. He won’t even hold my hand, and when I do he’ll leave it soon. Another moment he’ll make me listen to a love song and won’t hang up the phone until I am done and talk to me about the worst incident of his life when asked. I want to but cannot leave him since he made me promise to stay while I am dying to see him this way. Another girl who kind of had a crush on him is talking about me, which made me uncomfortable since there is nothing going on the way she says. I think a lot and when I heard her say that I was like this is the last thing I want after my incident but still dropped it since what mattered to me was him. I remember saying that after what happened, I cannot even think of being in a relationship. We both confessed we like each other. The whole time he’ll seem as if he is thinking something. In the end he kissed me. Now, he is making me listen to that song and won’t hold hands, he’ll be caring and listen to all my problems but behave strange sometimes. It all feels as if there was one thing which made me happy and now it is driving away from me. My life is so messed up right now.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

The most important line in your letter, to me, and the one I agree with the most, is the last one.  Yes, after all you went through with that ex, your life IS messed up right now – most importantly in your views on relationships.  You want one and you don’t – and that makes tons of sense, given what you’ve been through – but it means nothing can possibly feel right.  At least not right now.

And that’s the way it’ll be for a little while.  I hope not too long, but for a bit.  So I want you to do what we dogs are great at: Continue reading

0 When to start letting a child play by themselves

Manushi asks: My son is 11 months old. Is it ok if I let him play by himself? I mean I am there monitoring him, but I do my work, like household chores or watching TV or mobile, and I only step in if he is about to fall or something. Should I sit by his side when he is playing and play with him, or constantly attend him? My husband always sits with him when he is playing and teaches him stuff like “where’s the fan, where’s the light,” etc. I have a baby sitter for him for sometimes and even she does the same as my husband. I am confused as to what is the right thing to do? To attend him all the time and keep teaching him. or to let him be by himself and have his me time.

Hi Manushi –

As a dog, and especially as a dog who was spayed when I was six months old, I am absolutely unqualified to talk about the details of mothering a human baby.

But I think your question is so specific that NO ONE is really qualified to answer it.

And by that I mean that, on one hand, yes it’s great to give a child independence and let them play by themselves, and yet of course you’d never forgive yourself if something really bad happened to that kid when you weren’t watching.

But the main reason I don’t feel qualified is that I don’t know your son.  Kids develop at enormously different rates; some children are already talking and walking by eleven months, and others won’t get to those for a year.  Some children are very calm and focused, so you could leave one with a toy and assume he’ll play with it for a few minutes, and others are enormously energetic, destructive, and aren’t satisfied until everything in the room has been in their mouth (which completely describes the first two years of my life!).

My best suggestion is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you start feeling more than friendship for a friend

Dhruv asks: My female friend can’t live without talking with me, and she’s not in a relationship (she was but went through a breakup). We used to call each other brother and sister, but my feelings towards her changed and I like her now. I’m so confused what to do? Please suggest something because all I came up with was to leave her and never look at her again.

Hi Dhruv –

Oh this is SUCH a difficult situation for you humans!  For us dogs, it’s easy – we just run up and jump on whoever we like, and if they don’t want us to, they push us away and we go do something else.

But for you, there’s so much fear involved.

Still, however, I think you only have one choice.  (Well, you could do what you’re saying, leave her and never speak to her, but I hate that!).

Here’s the important part.  You know she adores you.  Maybe she considers you a brother (and maybe she doesn’t), but even that’s a pretty special relationship.

In fact, think of it this way.  If your sister (I mean real, daughter-of-your-parents sister) developed feelings for you, wouldn’t you rather she told you, instead of running away?

So my advice is to Continue reading

0 What should a teacher do if they develop a crush on a student

Vanitha asks: I’m 27 and single. Even as a teenager I haven’t ever admired any guy’s physical appearance. For the past 2 years my parents have sought an alliance for me, but its not working. Due to that depression I’m getting attracted to many guys these days. Currently I’m working as a teacher, and now I’ve developed a huge crush on a student. I know this is a wrong thing, but I can’t control my feelings. I want to see him always. Please advise me.

Hi Vanitha –

Your letter brings up a lot of issues, but for me the best thing is your understanding that you simply can’t act on those feelings about your student.  It would be really wrong.  But, at the same time, it would be crazy to deny those feelings are there.

In fact, I think your feelings are absolutely appropriate.

We dogs are born way more developed than you people – after all, we’re usually walking within a few days of our birth, and you guys don’t get started on it for a year.  But once we get going, most puppies develop at around the same rate.  Whereas you humans vary a lot.  Some babies start with a few words, and build their vocabularies, while others don’t say a syllable till they start talking in complete sentences.

And then there are what are called Late Bloomers.

Those are the people who seem more like children, well into their teen years.  Maybe they don’t start getting interested in anyone romantically/sexually till years after their classmates do.  Maybe even their bodies change later than other teens.

And Vanitha, you sound to me like a very Late Bloomer.  It sounds to me like the feelings that most girls start getting around age 13 didn’t come to you until you were in your 20s.  And now you’re beginning to notice men, and are ready for your first crush.

Well, doesn’t it make sense that your first crush is on a teenage boy?  After all, most other girls’ first crushes are.

Just because your body is 27 years old doesn’t mean your romantic sense is.  No, you’re actually going through a teenage experience, much later than most.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  In fact, it’s kind of cool.  As long as you don’t do anything wrong.

Think about it.  Most teenagers want to be able to leave home and stay out all night…  You Can!  Most teenagers want to be able to drink the same things as adults… You Can!  And most teenagers want to be treated as equals by the grownups around them…  You Can!

But as you enter the world of romance, you’ve got a bit of a problem.  What we want is for you to Continue reading

0 Ways to get through grieving a lost love

LittleGirlBigAppetite asks: I broke up with my boyfriend three months ago. The reason for the break up was that I found out through a mutual friend that he had updated his Tinder profile with new pictures. I felt betrayed. We had met on Tinder too but I had deleted the app when things started getting serious between us. Tbh, he was the first guy with whom I had a normal and real relationship. There was no pretense. We would tell each other anything and everything. I got really attached to him in the 6 months that we went out. But when I confronted him about the Tinder thing, he said that he was still using the app just for making new friends (which I know is a pathetic excuse). He also said that as I was still using the app (deleting the app does not removes your profile), he thought I would be ok with him using it. This hurt me even more and I told him to never message or see me again. But the thing is that it’s been 3 months and I still can’t get over him. I feel as if I lost the one guy with whom I was totally comfortable. I miss him every single day and cry myself to sleep thinking that he must now be having fun with someone else. What hurts even more is the thought that he’d been lying to me the whole time we were together. He has tried making small talk with me a few times over text but I ignored him. I really wanna know what I should do to forget him and move on once and for all. Please help!

Hi LittleGirlBigAppetite –

I get questions all the time about how to deal with someone cheating, and you’ve done just what I suggest.  I can forgive a cheater, but someone who cheats, then lies, and then puts the blame on the other … I’m all for walking away with your tail up in the air and never looking back.

But you’re suffering, and I hate that.

Getting over an ex is really hard.  I’ve never had to do it (my only connection as strong as you had with him is with Handsome, a relationship I know will last far beyond this lifetime), but I’ve sure seen it.  I’ve seen Handsome go through it, I’ve seen his friends go through it, and wow have my sensitive ears heard a zillion songs about it!

So overall, I have two big awful truths for you.  First, that you will get over him someday, even though part of you won’t want to, because so much about him was wonderful.  And second, that Continue reading

0 How to deal with being rejected in a one-sided situation

Wolfpack asks: I am in a one-sided situation, but this is happening in a way that everything around me makes me feel like i should talk to her. (I have already confessed my feeling, but i have not been speaking to her much often since then), she has said she does not wants to be in a relationship with me. Help me!!

Hi Wolfpack –

If I’m understanding you right, you told a girl your feelings for her, and she said she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, and now you’re wondering what to do.

The answer is simple: you should take care of yourself, in whatever way works best for you.

Lots of humans get a big container of chocolate ice cream, and eat the whole thing in one night.  Do they feel kind of crummy the next morning?  Sure, but for some reason, doing that helps them move forward.  Maybe you’re more the sort to go out with friends and talk about it, or write a song, or just beat your head against a wall.

Whatever it is, she’s been honest, and that’s a good quality.  And your only job is to do what you have to, so you can move forward, and not get stuck in the pain of that rejection.

We dogs, when we’re feeling that bad, might just go outside and howl up at the sky.  And when we do, we’ll often inspire other dogs to howl along with us, all over the neighborhood.  This is the single best thing I know of, since it makes us feel so connected with others (instead of all alone, the way rejection usually does).

But again, you know yourself better than I do.  Give her the space she wants, take care of yourself, move forward, and who knows – maybe you’ll meet someone better tomorrow, or maybe she’ll even change her mind.  But regardless, you want to be in a strong, happy, confident place yourself.  Which sadly is the exact opposite of where you are now.

And remember, the best thing you can do in life is to love.  So even if it hurts right now, the fact is, you have loved.  And that makes you, and your life, wonderful.

All my best,

Shirelle