Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to deal with an overprotective family, after you leave home

Pennelope0214 asks: My family have been very strict, orthodox, protective people, like cross the limit kind. I wanted to leave my home because of that over-protectiveness, which I did last year by moving to college in another city far away. I have an elder brother; we didn’t used to talk but before moving he explained to me that he never liked my lifestyle due to which he was always irritated (my “lifestyle” meaning I use a little makeup). My mother is a very rude person, she’d call me dirty names when I did something bad. Even though I know they both love me. My brother didn’t know about that incident I told you about, where the man tried to cut my throat. I told him a few days back after the function in our college where another guy (who was my date, I didn’t know him but his friends and my seniors said he is nice) kind of harassed me which I told my brother. After all this he asked me to stay away from every guy and if he finds out something relating to any guy and me, he will do something bad. Yesterday we had another function, prom night. My mother kept in calling me saying she needs to talk to the college authorities, is it a university to study or just parties? When I came back I called my brother, and he said which guy did you go with? I said no one. He reprimanded me saying I am lying and he knows me, there must have been a guy. I cut the call. I am tired of living my life. I thought maybe when I’d move out things will change but no, that isn’t happening. This summer break I have to go to my brother’s for my internship and I am tense since I have to be there for one and a half month. He’d talk about that throat incident, boys and put on restrictions on me all the way over again. I don’t want to face him. I made a mistake telling him about the incident. I don’t want to go there or anywhere. I thought he’d understand what I’ve been through and would support me.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

I agree fully with you – the way your mother and brother are acting shows they love you, and it’s not at all coming in the way you need right now.

There may come a day in the future when you move away and get even more space from them, and that can be fine, just for you to get to live your life and be yourself.  I’m not a fan of completely cutting one’s family off – what I see is that people who do that tend to just ‘recreate’ their family with other people, and go through the same stuff they would have with their parents and siblings anyway.

But for now, you’re kind of stuck with them.  Like me in the cage at the pound, I could love or like or dislike or hate all the other puppies in there, but the one thing I couldn’t do was unlatch the gate and walk out!

So instead you have another job, which is to Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend asks for space.

GIGI asks: I have a boyfriend. Whenever he has problems, he likes keeping to himself. Lately he has been having problems which I don’t know of; of course he wouldn’t tell, he only told me that he needed space. This is the first time this is happening between us, because we only started dating recently. Right now we don’t talk except in person. He always avoids my calls. I texted him one day and told him I would let him be. I promised to give him the space he wanted. And now I miss him so much, and I want nothing but to talk to him. I don’t know if I should call him? I am scared of being rejected.

Hi GIGI –

Of course I relate to this one a lot.  Every dog feels shut out from their humans’ world a great deal of the time, usually most of the time, with no idea why.  It can be heartbreaking, such as when I can see he’s sad and I know nothing would help him more than to be jumped on and nipped by me and forced to play catch and fetch.

Of course, it’s a good thing that your boyfriend was able to tell you that he needed space (instead of just “ghosting” you), and I do believe you should respect his wishes.

However… Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize you’ve been dating someone who’s not able to commit?

Rep asks: I’m presently in a relationship, a very lovely relationship thus far. Very recently we talked about our future, and he is not planning to settle down, even in the next six years and truthfully I can’t wait that long. This very period, a guy I know from church has been asking me to marry him. I don’t really know him but he says he has been observing me for over two years and wants to spend forever with me. I really don’t know what to do. I know that, as it stands now, I don’t have a future with my boyfriend, but at the same time I don’t really know this guy who’s asking me for marriage.

Hi Rep –

I’m awfully sorry about the situation with your current boyfriend.  That’s a hard one – especially as he sounds like he’s being very honest with you, so you don’t get to snarl and growl about what a horrible jerk he is!  He’s just telling you his truth, which makes him exactly the good guy you’ve always seen in him.

Now a situation like this is almost guaranteed to confuse a person.  So much so that they can’t make sense of the world around them.  And that’s what it seems is happening to you.

Your question is easy to answer.  But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.

The answer to your question is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize you’ve been used in a relationship?

PerryB asks: I had a crush on a guy I go to school with. I told him and we talked it over, and a few weeks later he said that he had developed feelings for me and he asked me to be his girlfriend. Shortly after, we became intimate. Then, after about a week of us being a couple, he texted me and told me we have to break up, that things between us had gone too far. I was crushed, and I haven’t been to school ever since, but I have decided to go back after a week of being locked up in my room, since I want a future for myself. But I don’t know how I should react when I see him at school, since there is no way I can completely avoid him. Please give me some advice on what I should do.

Hi PerryB –

Humans are such a strange species.  You guys have such incredible gigantic brains, which accomplish so much, but this also means you worry tons about things we dogs would never give a thought to.

Now maybe this guy didn’t mean to hurt you.  But even if so, he did.  He hurt you really badly.  You feel used and rejected, as any human would.

And you’re the one who’s scared to go to school?!  Dear, if a dog treated me that badly, they’d be the ones to be scared with every step they took!  Not knowing if I’d be around any corner, ready to sink my fangs right into their hindquarters – and they’d know they deserved it!

Now I understand, you’re embarrassed and all that.  But my advice is to Continue reading

0 Is it okay for my girlfriend to spend time with her ex, so she can figure out her feelings?

Praneet30 asks: At first my girlfriend said she hates her ex, and they didn’t talk; then after some time she said she wanted to talk to him once, to end things once and for all. After that they started talking once or twice a month. This has been going on for more than 2 years. Recently she asked him to pick her up and then they went someplace. Her excuse was that she wanted to clear her mind. So should I trust her and stay with her, or leave her?

Hi Praneet30 –

Your letter reminds me of years ago, when my human friend Handsome still smoked cigarettes sometimes.  Every once in a while he’d decide he wanted to quit them.  And so he’d cut down the number he’d have per day, and then he’d cut down to one every couple of days, and be all just about ready to give them up completely.  But then he’d say “You know, if I quit totally now, I’ll crave them more next week.  So I should have one more right now, and that way I’ll be better able to quit.”  Then a few days later he’d say the same thing.  And then a day later he’d have two or three, just to make sure he was handling the addiction right.  And the next day he’d have four.  And the next five, and he’d be right back in.

Now I don’t know what your girlfriend and her ex are doing, or what she thinks they’re doing.  But I can sure tell you that the two things she’s NOT doing are ending it with him once and for all, and clearing her mind of him!  Any more than Handsome was ending it, or clearing his mind, with those cigarettes!  The way to stop smoking, eventually, is to stop.  And that’s also the way to end it with an ex!

Now if your girlfriend was saying “My ex and I have always been friendly, and although we’re not romantic anymore, I really enjoy having him in my life and hanging out with him in an innocent way,” then I’d be on her side.  Some of Handsome’s best friends are women he dated in the past, and it’s truly not a problem for any of them at all.

What I don’t like is that Continue reading

0 Should you apologize for someone accusing you of something you didn’t do?

Elsa asks: My boyfriend went silent on me for two days; he did not answer my texts or my calls. We had not disagreed in any way before. I asked him if he had any problem and he only answered that he is fine, and then went quiet. I insisted and politely asked him to talk to me about anything. He promised to call which he didn’t. I was to travel to his place over the weekend; when I asked if he’d be around he just replied that he will be traveling and did not explain anything. I got worked up and agitatedly asked what this was all about. I asked if he was tired of me and immediately he became angry, insisting that I don’t trust, and demanded that he needed a break. It’s now been a week, and we have not talked. I still love him and I really want to know why he changed all of a sudden, if he has left forever, or he needs some time. But at the same time, I feel like giving him the break he needed because I never did anything wrong to cause this, except for the mistrust he claims after I asked what was wrong with him. Please help me. what should I do? Should I call and apologize or should I wait for him to make the move?

Hi Elsa –

I have to be honest with you.  I’m a big fan of apologizing, but I don’t know how in the world you could apologize to this guy – you don’t even know what it was he’s saying you did wrong!  What would you say, “I’m deeply sorry for whatever it is that you’re imagining, even though it never actually happened!”?

Frankly, it sounds to me like he’s avoiding you.  That might mean he’s struggling with getting closer to you (humans often pull away when they start to feel committed – weird, isn’t it!).  Or that he’s thinking of breaking things off with you.

And of course, he has the full right to either one.

But you also have the right to do what’s best for you while he’s doing this.  And my thought is that that best thing is for you to Continue reading

0 Should I give my girlfriend space while her exes pursue her?

Kimwelzzz asks: Currently I’m dating a girl, but we can’t be at peace and nothing is the same because she talks to her three exes, and they told her she took their love for granted and claimed they’ve never loved anyone else like they loved her. Now she feels messed up because she doesn’t know what to do. On the other hand, the same situation happened to me, but with just one ex. And what I did was hurt him and choose her, but now she can’t do the same. Nothing is okay. She’s blaming herself for everything and is going through a lot, so I had to give her space and time but I’m afraid of what she might do when she’s alone. What’s best for her?

Hi Kimwelzzz –

I’m always struck by that idea, that because one person loves another more than they’ve ever loved anyone else, it’s that other person’s obligation to commit to them, and love them back.

I mean, sure, it’s nice to love someone who loves you back, even loves you more than you feel for them (Have you ever heard that old Paul McCartney song about “You gave me the answer to love eternally: I love you and you seem to like me”?!). But the reason to commit to someone is because YOU feel something for THEM, not the other way around.

It sounds to me like your girlfriend is in a very confused place.  As you point out, it’s difficult enough when one ex gives you this treatment, but to have three?!  Wow!

In fact, I think it’s too much for her to handle well.  It’s got to be confusing, even dizzying.  But over time, she’ll have to come down to earth and start to ask herself more grounded questions, like “But who do I want to be with?!”

And in a funny way, you’re making the same mistake, when you ask me “What’s best for her?”  She can decide that for herself; your job is to figure out what’s best for you while she does!

I think your idea of giving her space is good, but you don’t have to completely disappear from her life.  How about Continue reading

0 How to move forward when your boyfriend and best friend repeatedly betray you.

GoldieM asks: I was in a relationship with a boy for a while, but I ended it because I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted at the time, because I was going through a lot. He and I did something I sincerely regret. We were on and off for quite a while, until I founded out he and my best friend had started going out. He told her what we had done and she told everyone. It was all over social media, which made me weak, so when they broke up, and he made me feel so special again, I ended up doing something I regret again, and we went out again. And then he broke up with me and went back with her again! I feel so weak and hurt that I’m scared of getting love and affection from anyone. What do you think I should do now?

Hi GoldieM –

What an AWFUL story!

There’s one thing I really like here, which is that you twice refer to being made “weak.” You’re right – both of these situations (your private life being broadcast on social media, and this guy going to your best friend twice) would take the core strength out of anyone!

Well I have one very simple bit of advice, which might be obvious – to not give him another chance. Twice you’ve gone beyond your own sense of boundaries with him, and both times he’s betrayed your trust (once by talking about it, the other by going back to her). I’m inclined to say you should drop both of them out of your life, since neither seems to care much about your feelings, but she might have a different take on all this. Still, I’d say to give him nothing but air.

But then, you’re right – how can one move on from this?!

It’s actually simple, even simpler than my first suggestion. The fact is you’ve been wounded. It’s your heart and soul, not your body, but you’re just as wounded as if you’d been in a car accident or fallen off a balcony. And what would you do then? You’d go to a Continue reading

0 What to do when your girlfriend treats you differently in front of her friends?

Portpher asks: I am in a serious relationship and I don’t understand my girlfriend. She seems not to care about my feelings. Every time she’s with her friends she behaves in a different way – she seems not to care about the relationship – but when we are together things are fine. What can I do?

Hi Portpher –

I have an answer for you, and it might sound a little simplistic, but it’s because you say you’re in “a serious relationship.”

Now if you were just starting to date a girl, maybe someone in school and it’s the first romance for either of you, and this was happening, I’d say that’s pretty normal, and you shouldn’t worry about it. That teenagers are very focused on their friendships, and for now, that’s her most important relationship, so just live with it.

But again, you say this is serious between you two. Which means there’s only one answer – you have to talk with her about it. The sooner the better.

The question isn’t whether she likes or loves you; the issue is that you deserve to be treated well and respectfully, and she’s not doing that. She’s actually doing the opposite. And if this relationship is going to move forward at all, she needs to make a decision about how she wants her friends to see you two.   If she acts like you’re not important to her, then that’s what they’ll see; if she acts like you’re something great and worthy and relevant, then that’s the message they’ll get instead.

She may not realize that she’s doing this. So that’s even more reason for you to point it out to her. But what I want you to own, most importantly, is the way that it makes you feel. Because that’s a huge part of any serious relationship – working to make the other person feel good and respected and loved.

My human friend Handsome insults me all the time. He calls me all sorts of names, especially “knucklehead,” and even yells at me sometimes (like when I start barking at squirrels when I’m right next to his ear). But every friend and acquaintance he has knows he loves and treasures me. He shows it in every act and gesture.

You deserve that too.

Go get it!

Shirelle

0 Should I date my friend’s brother since he likes me?

Ladyy Spring asks: Last month we were having a birthday party at my best friend’s place and we all got drunk. So my best friend’s brother is younger than her and I’ve also considered him as my brother as he’s 2 years younger than me and I’ve known them growing up. The thing is we are all staying out of town and we are neighbours now. Everything was fine, and we were like loving brothers and sisters until the birthday night we got drunk and lost consciousness, and as I started gaining it back, I realized that I was making out with my best friend’s little brother in my room. I freaked out!! In the morning my best friend came to know that his brother stayed in my room the other night but she didn’t say anything at all she was fine with it. Now for some 20 days her brother has been treating me as his girlfriend – he’ll come spend more time with me, treat me very gently, very loving and caring… But I don’t know how to react to this! I don’t even know whether I’ve feelings for him or not! Is it infatuation??! Obviously not love!! Do I continue?? Do I stop?? I don’t know …but deep down I don’t want to hurt him. And lately I’ve been feeling very uneasy to face my best friend. Should I tell her?? Will it spoil my relationship with her?? From childhood I’ve never hidden anything from her we were always sharing each and everything with each other. I’m so confused!

Hi Ladyy Spring –

What a story!  Wow!

This is one reason you guys should never give us pups alcohol.  We’re wacky enough without this help!  (Plus it’s bad for us physically; it’s often not good for you guys, but worse for us).

So your story is complicated and exciting and all that, but it strikes me that, deep down, you’re asking a very simple question: Your best friend’s brother is falling for you, and you’re not sure of your feelings about him.  So what do you do with that?

Now you didn’t tell me your age, but since you and your friends have moved out of town, I’m going to assume you’re not so young that I need to bark at you about drinking, or worry about any legal issues with the age difference between you and the brother.

So I’ll just stick with the main issue, which is that you are in such a panicked, freaked-out place, you can’t figure out your own feelings!  And it’s got to feel crazy-making that you can’t really talk to your friend, or to her brother, about what’s happened, because of this big missing piece!

So your job, my friend, is to do what I do.  When I’m confused, or have trouble grasping a concept, I Continue reading