Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to get self-esteem back when you’re depressed

Sazuna6 asks: Recently I’ve been struggling a lot. Without getting into specifics, college applications didn’t work out, a relationship that I was super invested in didn’t work out, (the fact that I am still in love with that person isn’t helping), a lot has been going on in the family, and I’m also clinically depressed so I feel like I’m in this downward spiral. I know most of the sadness or hopelessness comes from the depression itself, but if we were to take that out of the equation for a while, how do you think I can get myself back up? I don’t want to be drowning in self-pity right now. College is starting, I want to be able to have a positive outlook, but everything that’s happened just tore my self-esteem to shreds and I’m not sure how I can put the pieces back together. Any word of advice would be super duper helpful <3

Hi Sazuna6 –

I don’t know a lot about what you’re asking in particular – for example, you say that college applications didn’t go well, but then you say that “College is starting” – but I sure do know about self-esteem, and it makes sense that you’re going through a time where yours has taken a beating.  So I can offer a few thoughts to maybe help.

The first, and most important thing, to be aware of is that self-esteem has nothing, and I mean nothing,  to do with reality.  Every day we see people who brag about themselves when they’ve accomplished relatively little, and people who’ve done great things feeling bad about themselves.  Sure, accomplishing things helps self-esteem, and is the best and easiest way to get it, but if your self-esteem relies on success, it’s not real self-esteem.  What we want is for you to feel good about yourself, that you’re “good enough,” no matter how well or badly you’re doing at different activities.

And especially that the three downers you point out are all not your doing.  A relationship didn’t work out – that might be 50% your fault, but no more than that.  College applications didn’t work out – well, lots of schools regret people they pick, and hopefully you learned some things to help you do better next time.  And your family is having problems – well that is SOOO normal, and that doesn’t reflect on you at all!

And then you’re actually clinically depressed.  Or at least you’re saying so.  Have you been diagnosed?  And if so, do you have a doctor working to help you with it, maybe with some medications?  (If not, please do so; it might save your life!)

Okay, so now that we have all that straight, what can I recommend?  Here goes: Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend thinks you’re a different age

Manny asks: I’ve been dating people who are older than me by 5+ years and they all have the same impression about me, that I’m older and wiser than most people they’ve encountered over the years. I’m 19 and I’m really scared of the level of maturity I have because of this. There is this woman I have who believes that I’m 27. She’s 33 and I love her and she also loves me, but I’ve never told her my real age and I already feel like marrying her. What should I do? I don’t care that she’s older; I love her for the kind of person she is. I don’t want to lose her, and I want to have a prosperous marriage with her, but I fear that should she find out or I tell her my real age she’ll dump me. Please help!

Hi Manny –

This is such an fascinating issue.  We dogs are constantly mistaken for different ages, and it’s always interesting to see why.

For example, I’ve written a bit about my friend Aria.  She’s a mix of many breeds, but her appearance is all like a German Shepherd – but one about half the size of a normal adult.  So when people meet her, they usually think she’s about six months old, even though she has grey hair on her chin!  (We don’t know her actual age; the veterinarians say she’s somewhere between four and six)

Meanwhile, I have a human friend named K who helps with my website sometimes.  She’s 22, and looks it.  But because she’s, like you, very mature, she comes off as ten to fifteen years older.  In her case, her family moved around a lot when she was young, so she kept dealing with new people all the time, and she’s had to be very responsible and take care of some people, which of course makes someone act more mature.

(And when it comes to me, I may look my age, but I usually act like a bratty puppy, so people often think I’ve got half my years!)

Now you didn’t give me any reason why  you come off as more mature than you are, and maybe it’s just the way your brain is set up.  But it’s very important to note this – it is just as difficult for a person to fit in when they’re much more mature than others their own age as it is if they’re much less so.  We see people with developmental issues who might be 19 but have the brain of a ten-year-old.  And while they can be frustrating, most people are understanding and willing to try to adjust, to deal with that person’s disability.  Well you are JUST AS MUCH of an outlier!  But who adjusts to you?  Who says “Oh we’ll have a special class in school, and give you an aide,” and all that?  No one, of course!

So the fact is, it makes total sense that you would date a woman older than you.  You’re actually the right age for each other, probably!  Or at least, so it seems.

So I have a couple of thoughts for you.  First, and biggest, you come off as mature, and you may well be that way in many ways.  But there might be many others where you’re Continue reading

0 How to choose between your boyfriend and your family.

Susmitha asks: I’m in a relationship with a boy. He is an introverted, nice guy. I trust him very much. We have been in love for three years. We are not married, but we do have physical touch. After some day, I noticed that he had some feelings about my sister. After I asked him, he said that he is loving both of us. Firstly he proposed to my sissy, and she rejected him in front of me. Later he proposed to me to take revenge on my sissy. After she came home, she accepted his proposal but I didn’t know about it. In between that we both had a physical touch (but didn’t go further than that). Over the next three years, he cheated on both me and my sister. We asked him finally whom he wants in his life, who he loved the most. He says that he is in love with me, “I don’t want your sister, I need you in my life. I did wrong but I don’t want to lose you.” They broke up. He promised me after this that after he gets a job, “I will come to your home and I ask your parents to marry you. Until then I will wait for you. Forgive me, I did wrong.” But my sister is not accepting him to be in my life. She says to break up with him. But I don’t want to lose him. I’m so confused. Can I accept him in my life or not. What can I do now? I too need him In my life, and don’t want to lose him, He is somewhat childish, but he is my true love. What can I do now? Please help me.

Hi Susmitha –

Okay, so yes, there’s a real problem here.  Your sister is telling you what to do, and you’re struggling with whether to obey her or go with your interest in this guy.

This is one of those situations where one’s culture really matters.  I live with my human friend Handsome, in the Los Angeles area in the United States.  I haven’t seen any of my siblings since I was a month or two old, so I wouldn’t care at all if they told me to do something.  Handsome has a very good relationship with his brother, and neither one has ever ordered the other to do, or not do, anything (since they were children of course).  So if Handsome fell in love with someone and his brother told him he had to leave her, that would be extremely hard for Handsome; but there’s a good chance he’d go with her, and hope his brother gained more understanding over time.

But in a different culture, I understand that family is a bigger deal, and disobeying a family member could be catastrophic.  So this is why I can’t really answer your question – because I don’t know what you would lose if you disobeyed your sister.

I will, however, tell one story – about Handsome and me.  He was dating a Continue reading

0 How to win over someone who is afraid of being held down by a relationship

Danish asks: As you suggested, I asked that girl in an indirect way why she doesn’t want to marry. I feel her answer is based in fear, that she wants to achieve something big In life. She’s scared while she thinks about her future. She doesn’t want to depend on boys for her survival. She is ambitious and she wants an independent life. And she does have feelings for me, as she told one of our mutual friends, and will accept me after being successful. So here I want to ask you how to make my emotional connections stronger now, as she doesn’t know that I know she has a feeling for me – but without letting her know what her friend told me?

Hi Danish –

Wow, this is a fascinating situation!

It feels like it should be part of a romantic comedy movie, maybe a musical, but I don’t think it’s ever been made.  The woman is focused on her career, the man wants to win her, so he works to convince her that he’s so focused on his career that he’ll only date her if she’s not interested in getting married yet.  She gets very attached to him, and decides she wants to marry him, but is afraid to say so, because she thinks he’s too independent.  Eventually there’s a big confusion that almost ruins everything, but they discover the truth, and in a big song and dance number pledge their love to each other forever.

Sound good?

I think it’d be a big hit!  But I’m going to like it a lot better if you LIVE it instead of filming it!

Can you do this?  Can you be her friend, and get her interested in you, without letting her know how much you want for you to be hers and her to be yours?  If you can, this just might work!

And it would be SOOO romantic!

Best of luck!

Shirelle

0 How to avoid someone you’re attracted to

Athika asks: I’m a female and I’ve been in a serious relationship with one boy for a few months. My problem is that I still talk with my classmate whom I used to love and admire a lot. I met with my classmate, which caused serious impact on our relationship. My partner got to know about this and was ready to leave. I just want to stay away from my classmate because I know I seriously love my friend. What should I do now?

Hi Athika –

I just want to clarify your question, to make sure I understand what’s going on.

If I have it right, you’ve been in a relationship with a boy for a few months, but you also have a classmate you have loved and admired, and your boyfriend is jealous about this?  Is that correct?  And so you’re asking how to stay away from the classmate?

If I do have it right, the fact is that you can’t totally stay away from the classmate, as long as you’re in class together.  But you can choose to only deal with them in a “professional” way, only talking about classwork and such.  And that might help.

But at the same time, this is a great time to work with your boyfriend to build trust in each other. After all, you might later have a job with someone very attractive, or he might too.  And trust is really the most important part of any relationship, and this is a great way to work on it.

My real advice on this is to talk very openly about it – a lot – with each other.  See what bothers him, and how you can work together to make the relationship work for both of you.

(But if I misunderstood what’s happening, please let me know and I’ll be glad to give you the right response!)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should I tell my boyfriend or girlfriend about my past they can’t accept?

Satapathy asks: I had a past sex relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Now I’m going to marry a new person. He is very honest, well-behaved, cultured, loyal. I want to tell him everything about my past, but I know that after knowing this he will leave me. But I don’t want to play with his emotions. What can I do?

Hi Satapathy –

This is as tough an issue as exists.  As any dog can tell you, the key to relationships is trust.  That’s why we’re so loyal.  That way, when we break a rule (like when I took that pizza off the counter last week), our humans can still know that we’re trustworthy deep-down, where it counts.  And I know that my human will be trustworthy to me, even though he got really mad about that pizza!

I wish I could give you a simple clear answer to your question, but I can’t.  And this is for one simple reason: In order for your marriage to be based on trust, you’ll have to tell him about this issue, which is likely to take some of his trust in you away.

And that is TOUGH!  For anyone!

I’ll throw in a thought, though.  A friend of my human, Handsome, is a therapist, who told him a story recently.  A client of hers had let her husband think she was Continue reading

0 Can someone be too good for you?

PERFECTION asks: My friends always told me that I shouldn’t even try to be with this girl. They say she’s too good for me as she’s perfect, and I wasn’t the only one who noticed it. Should I be worried that she’s too good for me? And also, Is there even such a thing about money defines to whom are we going to be with?

Hi PERFECTION –

We talked before about what I consider perfection, and what you consider perfection.  But now you’re talking about social status.

Some people are considered very good-looking, and so only want to date people also considered very good-looking.

Some people are super-popular, and only want to date other popular people.

Some people have a lot of money, and so only want to date other people who have money.

And then there are cross-overs.  A great athlete marries a popular actress, a rich man always has young beautiful women around him, etc.

I can’t pretend that these scenarios don’t exist.  They do.  In high school, in regular life, and all the way up to royalty and presidencies.

So your friends might be right to want to protect you from getting rejected by her, because of whatever reasons there might be.

But you’ve told me something very different about her before.  You told me she’s intelligent, and responsible, and good.

Which makes me wonder… just maybe… if she’s able to look at a person through other eyes than those of those shallow values.

And of course I don’t know her at all.  But I can sure tell from what you’ve written that she’d be smart to go out with you.  Someone who’d treat her with such honor and respect and adoration.  (Or maybe a better way to say it is that, if I were her mother or father, you’re exactly  who I’d want her to go out with!).

The only way you’ll be able to find out is to try, I’m afraid.  And then, even if she says no, at least you’ll know you had a quality that is right up there with responsibility and intelligence and goodness… you showed her, and your friends, and yourself, that you are truly brave.

Which might be its own reward here.

BUT I’M HOPING FOR ALL THE BEST!

Shirelle

0 How to choose between two great partners

Melanin asks: I am a 21-year-old lady who got into a relationship with a 24-yr-old gentleman for 5 months, and now he mentions he was scared to let me know he was already in 3 other relationships, but he decided to choose me so he’s working on ending the rest. And now I find myself liking a high school crush of mine again who appeared recently and treating me all nicely, saying he’s serious about me and want us to have a serious relationship. I don’t know what to do. How can you help me?

Hi Melanin –

You’re in that crazy situation I dream of, where someone puts a pizza on the floor at one end of a room, and someone else puts a lamb chop on the floor at the other end, and I have to decide which way to run.  Especially as I know that the one I don’t run to might disappear if I don’t pick it!

The funny thing about these dreams is that I don’t know if they’re good or bad dreams!  Sure, they’re frustrating, but at the same time, I either get pizza or lamb (or maybe both!).  So there’s nothing really bad in them, right?

Now, you’re very confused and frustrated in this situation. But I think you can look at it in a different way, and see it as a delightful treat.  The man you’ve been with has a problem with fidelity and honesty; he’s been great with you, but he was keeping three other women secret, right?  Then this other man has never treated you in any particular way, but he’s saying he wants to pursue you, and you’ve always had a crush on him.

So why not Continue reading

0 Is there Destiny?

PERFECTION asks: Do you believe in destiny? That at some point in our lives we are meant for someone (predestined, inevitable) to be the person that’ll be my lifetime companion? Or is it the other way around? I am the one who makes my own destiny. What do you think?

Hi PERFECTION –

Simple answer: I have no idea.

What you’re really asking is a big theological question about Cause: Is there a cause behind anything, and if so, what does that Cause cause?  Is life on Earth an accident or was it intended?  Do humans (or other animals) actually have free will?  Is there a Divine Plan?

There have been very wonderful people throughout history who have said that they’re sure of the answer to these.  I’m not a person, and I’m not sure.

But here’s the funny thing about it.  You ask if we make our own Destiny.  Well, if there is someone causing us to do what we do, then when we “make our own Destiny,” we’re actually fulfilling our Destiny!  And if there isn’t, then we’re making it happen.  So when we try to make our own Destiny, our Destiny happens, either way, right?!

In other words, let’s say it was written in the stars that you would write me this question.  But you didn’t write it because some booming voice came out of the sky to tell you to do so; you wrote it because you thought of it and wanted to.  Well, that means you wrote it!

We, however, feel the hand of Destiny in bigger issues.  Falling in love, or big disasters, or other big events.  Was it predestined that I would meet Handsome, that that bridge in Genoa would collapse this week, that the US would elect this president?

Maybe the most interesting thing to look at these days is climate change.  Certainly, if anything is predestined, it must be the weather; it’s so big and powerful.  But all the scientists in the world argue that humans are affecting it a lot.  So which is that?

Sorry, I’d love to give you a definite answer, but all I can give you is my own confusion.  But to add that, when I cuddle up in Handsome’s arms every night, it sure feels right, like it was meant to be!

All my best,

Shirelle

1 How to have an encounter with God

majority asks: what will I do to have an encounter with God?

Hi majority –

I’m just a dog, and not a theologian.  But my answer to your question would be to ask you what your sense of God is.

Lots of people feel God’s presence when they pray, or when they hear beautiful music, or when they experience children laughing with joy.

Maybe you feel it when you climb a mountain, or swim in the ocean, or paint a beautiful picture.

But those depend on what your sense of God is.  Other people could do all those things and say “I never felt any connection to anyone at all.”

Then of course many people believe we all will meet God when we die.

I’m not the one to tell you which of these is true.  All are possible.

But I will say that watching a sunset, even for a visually-impaired being like us dogs, it’s hard to not feel there’s some contact with something.  I’m just not the one to give it a name.

All my best,

Shirelle