Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 What to do when your girlfriend’s ex reaches out to her

Outcast asks: My girlfriend told me yesterday that her boyfriend called her and said he missed her. So I told her to stop talking to him. Then she told me she doesn’t talk to him, its only him who keeps texting her and if she doesn’t reply he calls her.  I told her to block him, but the weird part is she refused to do so, claiming that she feels it’s weird. I asked her why but she told me that she doesn’t have a reason to block his number. I was so upset so I asked her, “Aren’t I a reason enough?” But she just kept telling me she can’t do it. So I don’t know what to do.  I feel like I should just break up with her, since I don’t understand why she would bring someone she says she wanted to forget back into her life, just because she thinks it’s “weird” not to!

Hi Outcast –

Okay, so before I get to anything else in your question, my nose is wiggling wildly at something you said in that first sentence.  You said she told you “her boyfriend called her.”  Her boyfriend?!  Isn’t that you?!  And my big question is, did she refer to this guy as that, or is that just the way you described him to me?

I don’t have any issue with people talking with their exes, as long as everyone’s open and honest about it.  So the fact that she told you he called makes me think she’s not doing anything wrong.  But I would like to know what she told him when he said he misses her.  Did she say “I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend and you know that we’re not a couple anymore,” or “I miss you too, and maybe we could have lunch sometime, and you can meet Outcast – you’d love him, he’s a great guy!”  Or was she more confused, giving him less clarity about their relationship?

Lots of times people break up, and then one of them doesn’t quite “get it.”  One will think there’s potential for them to get back together when there isn’t.  And sometimes one will even think they are more back together than they are!  So it’s really important that she’s clear with him.  I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, or doing anything wrong.  I’m just saying she needs to make her boundaries clear.  That way, if he’s purposely trying to weasel in and get her back, she’s letting him know that’s not going to happen; and if he’s just missing her and being sweet, she’s gently letting him know he needs to move on.

But that’s all about her, and you’re asking what you should do.  I would suggest you support her in this.  Help her out, give her advice.  Again, she’s being open with you, so help her out.  If she decides she wants to get back together with him, you’ll know it.  But in the meantime, you being the best guy she’s ever known will make that far less likely!

Anyway, it’s worth a try, I think!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to tell if your ex is trying to get back together

Kaushik asks: It’s been 3 years since my ex-girlfriend and I split. There was not much drama at that time. 
However, now she wants to go swimming, running and cycling with me. She also wants me to help her with her home business. My question is, is she trying to get back or give our relationship another shot?
If yes, do I have to take the initiative of asking her about it or should I wait for her to ask me about it?
FYI 3 years ago, she took the initiative to breakup with me, twice. 

Hi Kaushik –

I see this situation a lot.  Three years ago, she felt something was wrong in her romance with you – maybe it was something clear (she didn’t like a quality you had, or she was interested in someone else, or she just wasn’t ready to commit), but maybe it wasn’t; maybe something inside her just said “this isn’t right for me right now.  He’s a great guy, but… something feels off.”

And if she decided to end things for any of those reasons, most likely she was right.  I’m a big believer in you humans listening to your instincts, and obeying those inner voices when you can.

But now, time has moved on, and she’s a little different.  And maybe she’s wondering about getting involved with you again, with both of you a bit more mature.  Or maybe she’s just remembering how great a guy you were, and wanting to have those qualities she loved back in her life.

I don’t know which she’s feeling, or if it’s perhaps a mix.

And more importantly, I don’t care!

What matters to me is

0 What to do when your ex connects to you in your dreams.

Maya asks:

Hi Shirelle 
I’ve been having weird dreams, like every time I go to bed all I can see in my dream are robbers, stealing our property and we’re down again to level zero, with totally nothing. After this dream the next thing I see is my Ex – he’s not acting weird in my dream but when I wake up in the morning, he’s tried to call me, but since I moved on with my life I’ve never bothered myself to answer any of his calls. Anytime I get that weird dream, I must get his call the very next morning or during the day that he tried to call. What’s going on?!
Please help me.

Hi Maya –

WOW is this cool!

I’m not an expert on dreams.  Most of mine, as with most dogs, involve hunting or fighting.  I’d like to have more where I’m getting fed yummy treats and being tummy-rubbed, but those activities seem to be confined to my waking hours – and not enough of them!

One thing I do strongly believe is that different people (and dogs) have different gifts.  One person is musically amazing, another can throw a ball so far with perfect accuracy… and some people have some second sight.  The ability to see something that isn’t visible to the rest of everyone.  Maybe that involves picking up on people’s energies (lots of dogs have that one), or, as in your case, having some ability to predict, or cause, something in the future.

Why am I saying “cause?”  Because I don’t know if your dreams are your awareness that your ex is going to call, or they’re making him call!  It could go either way!

But what’s clear is that, for whatever reason, when you have those dreams, he calls.  And, for now, that’s all we know.  

My advice really has nothing to do with your relationship with this guy.  It’s that I strongly urge you to keep noting anything like this.  Some people keep a pad of paper and a pen by their bedsides, so they can write down their dreams the second they wake up (since our memories of most dreams run away from us faster than a truckload of cats!).  You have a gift.  And we don’t know exactly what it is yet.  But it should be honored and investigated.

Maybe you can predict some things.  Now your lonely ex calling isn’t that big a deal, but what if you could predict something really good, or really bad?  Or maybe, as I said, your dream is actually encouraging him to call.  Well today, you have no power over those dreams, but what if you eventually found that you did?  It would be like prayer or manifestation times a thousand!

So again, to me this is just amazing news.  Yeah, it tells you not to answer your phone without looking when you’ve dreamt of robbers in the last couple of nights.  But it could become SO MUCH MORE!!

Congratulations!  I’m proud to know you!

Shirelle

0 Should one pursue someone who’s been a victim of abuse?

PERFECTION asks: I had a fling with someone two years back.  Recently she broke up with her boyfriend, due to physical injuries she’s experienced when they were still together, and I am kind of lost on how to handle things with her. I mean I don’t know what to do, should I lend her some time and space? Or should I keep talking to her? I don’t want to take the advantage of what happened to her lately. It’s been a week and 3 days since the day they broke up, and truth be told I’m scared she’s gonna go back and be with that horrible guy again. 

Hi PERFECTION –

Often I don’t have strong opinions on when to start to pursue someone after a breakup, and just suggest you go with your own sense of where she’s at.  But this sounds like a different situation.

She broke up with him due to physical injuries?!  Does that mean he was beating her up?  Or was he insensitive to her needs after, maybe, she was hurt in a car accident?  Whatever the case, I would imagine she is feeling horribly alone and vulnerable.

Which means it’s a GREAT time for you to reach out.  But not for romance.  

This guy, you say, is horrible.  And I know you’re not.  That’s all you need her to experience.  Call or write her, or even show up at her door.  Be friendly, be caring, be EVERYTHING HE’S NOT.  And be patient.  

Remember, in this regard you humans aren’t that different from us dogs.  We begin as playful trusting puppies, but if some human is mean to us, we’re going to question every human we meet after that.  And we can develop bigotries too – a tall white man kicked us so we’re fine with other people, but will try to bite any tall white man who comes near us, for example.  And while you’re not just like her ex, you’re still a man.  So understand that YOU ARE A THREAT, at least to the traumatized part of her.  As nice as you are, as kind as you are, you need to get her to trust that you’re just as much better than this jerk as you are.

So again, just as if you’d just brought home a rescued abused dog, be Patient, Patient, Patient.

But be there for her.  Today she needs you.  And another day, she may well want you again to.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when a relationship takes so many turns you could go crazy

Chica asks:

So I got acquainted with this guy T on Instagram.  He was a common friend. We started talking and hit it off in a week. He was not in a good mental state at  that time, so I supported him and helped him in that phase. At the end of two weeks he confessed that he was falling for me, and I can’t deny I felt for him too. We met for the first time on and felt instant connection. We just knew that this was something special. We started seeing each other almost every day. We were really happy together. When I was around him I was the happiest, and I knew it was real, I felt it in my bones. The problem was he was moving to another city for his education, and we were not sure if we could sustain long distance, but still we wished to give our relationship a chance. He had even mentioned about our future. He often spoke about how it would be if I got married to him. He once even told me he felt like I would be the best mother to our children. I remember I couldn’t sleep that night because I was so happy. But after a couple of months my parents found out I was dating him, and they disapproved because in our culture it’s not acceptable to be involved sexually with the opposite sex before marriage, and also we both are just 18 – hence my parents reacted really harshly and warned him to not contact me ever again. He was devastated, so was I. His mother had stopped talking to him and my parents had grounded me. They all were really angry. He moved to another city a week later. I contacted him and asked him if he still wanted me, if he still wanted to hold on, and he said he would be by my side forever, and that he would convince my parents.  But once he moved he started getting distant. There were times that he completely ignored me, but I understood that he was not in the right mental state because of the trauma caused by our families. But after a while things started falling apart. He was getting more and more distant, and then one fine day he asked me if I could give him commitment for marriage. I told him I was ready but first I wanted him to focus on his career so that we could convince my parents that he is the best guy for me. But he reacted really harshly to that – he was like he is not sure if he can accept my parents after that incident. After a few days I told him I was ready for commitment, I want us to build our home together. But that day he said he doesn’t want that anymore. He said he hates my family and he can never really be comfortable with them. I thought he was just angry and will come around, but things started getting worse day by day.  I decided to contact his friend who stayed in the same city as me. But this friend was against my guy. It seemed like he was not here to help his friend but actually break our relationship. After sometime me and my guy got back on normal talking terms, so I told him that I had approached his friend for advice, and in an angry state I said things that I didn’t really mean. But this thing hurt my guy and he broke it off completely. After 2 days I called him and he was like we can stay friends, and I agreed because I knew we would get back, but then after one week he told me about this other girl V. He showed me that she was much more important than me. He confessed he had feelings for her. I couldn’t believe him because 2 weeks before that he had asked me to marry him.  I questioned if what we had was real at all, or was I just a joke to him – if it was all real then how could he just love someone else in just one week. I still stuck to him because I felt like he was just trying to make me feel jealous. I stuck to him thinking that he would come back to me, that he still loved me, but day by day he started behaving really weirdly. He screamed at me and called me crazy on my birthday, hurting me a lot. I was devastated, but still I stuck to him because somewhere I still thought he loves me. But yesterday when we were talking I told him that hurt me in many ways, so he said that this is the reason he avoids me, because I play the victim game and mess his mind up. Even I got angry and told him off. After that he just blocked me, and I’ve lost him forever now.  And now I don’t know what to do and think. I always question did I mean anything at all – If I did how can he just leave like that? Oh God I don’t know what to do?

Hi Chica –

I’ve written on here before about my mixed feelings about cultures’ rules about what young people can and can’t do – I’m a big romantic, so I love things being kept kind of innocent, but I hate seeing true love dashed because of some old regulations.

So initially, I was on your and T’s side, and frustrated with your parents (though I can see their side too). 

But then, I’m really bothered by the way he treated you later.  I understand him being angry at your family, but rejecting you because he hates them makes me think he wasn’t really sincere about his love for you (after all, everyone has difficult relatives, right?).  And I’m even more bothered by his talking marriage to you one day, and committing to another woman within a week.

So as much as I hate to say it, Chica, I’m wondering if you’re better off without him.  And ironically, although it was for different reasons, if you’re better off that your parents broke the relationship off.  They were thinking about sex and tradition, but I’m thinking the real reason for you two to not be together is that he’s angry, sometimes hateful, and treats you like dirt!

I’m sure his feelings have been hurt, and his version of this story is very different from yours.  But even if he’s hurt and angry, there’s no reason to treat you this way – and certainly his treating you this way makes me think he’s not worthy of you.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he unblocks you and tries to make contact with you again soon.  And if he does, I can’t tell you whether to give him another chance again or not – just go with what feels right.  But I do urge you, if you deal with him at all again, let him know that he canNOT treat you that way anymore.  That you deserve better, no matter what you two have been through. 

And if he grows up and starts treating you well, I could support you two getting back together.  But if that doesn’t happen, I think the best thing for you to do is treat this whole amazing story as a great learning experience, one to carry with you (the wonderful parts and the awful ones) through the rest of your life, as you find a love or loves that treat you far better, as you deserve.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Is it impossible for men to move past heartbreaks?

senny asks:

I need relationship guidance.  Is it so hard for men to forget someone they loved in the past who broke their heart?

Hi senny –

My quick answer is Yes.  Just as it’s hard for anyone to ever forget any other horrible thing that happened to them.

Our brains (and I’m talking humans, dogs, even mice) are trained to learn most strongly from bad things.  That’s why governments have punishments for breaking laws – you might like the fact that your insurance company rewards you for being a good driver, but you’re going to remember that awful speeding ticket more!  

Maybe when you were very little, you put your hand on a hot stove.  Maybe your mother or father had told you many times, “Don’t put your hand there, it’ll hurt!” but you didn’t remember, or chose not to obey them.  But once you put your hand there and felt just how hot that burner was, you learned, and never did it again.

This just makes sense.  Our brains learn from bad things faster and more permanently than anything else, because otherwise none of us would survive.  We’d eat poison fruit again, after it had made us sick.  We’d pick fights with bigger dogs again.  We’d jump off high places, forgetting how painful it was when we landed.

So yes, heartbreak fits right in.  And humiliation, confusion, resentment – all the negative feelings that relationships can create.  (And of course, this is true for women as well as men).

And if I’m picking up on what you’re asking correctly, what you really want to know is how to move past this hurt, or help someone else move past it?  The best way – and really the only way as far as I can see – is to get more specific.  Let’s say Susan broke Ramin’s heart.  Now Ramin might go to a place of saying “I’ll never trust women again,” or “I’ll never trust anyone enough to love again.”  Well that’s a recipe for a miserable life.  But what if Ramin looks at this closer, and says “Susan was always flirting with other men.  So I’ll never fall in love with a woman who flirts with other men again.”  Well that’s a little better.  But what if he looks even closer and realizes, “Susan lied to me when we first met.  So I’m going to insist that anyone I let myself love has to be honest first.”  I like that better.  

So you see, we’ve moved from never trusting anyone again, to never trusting flirts, to never trusting liars.  Suddenly Ramin’s future looks a lot better!

If that makes sense, and if you can apply that to your situation, that’s great.  If not, please write me back and let me know more about your situation, and I’ll be thrilled to help you out!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone married breaks up with you

Deepa asks: My boyfriend needs to break up.  We’ve been in a relationship for 4 months. We were in contact only by chatting and calling – in fact he wants to break up just because he hasn’t met my and his family doesn’t know about us (In truth he is married and has a girl child).  What should I do?

Hi Deepa – 

Do you know the term “dodging a bullet?”  It means when something happens to you that might not feel great at the time, but in fact saves you from a far worse fate.  Well Deepa, you just dodged way more than a bullet – I think you dodged an atomic bomb!

This man is married with a child, and carried on an “affair” through just chatting.  I have a pretty good idea of what made him break up with you – it was you asking him to open up to your families about the relationship.  You see, I think you were just a fantasy for him, a way to pretend he was freer than he was.

This doesn’t mean he didn’t like you, or doesn’t now.  But it does mean that this relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere.  And if you had tried harder, if you’d gotten him to open up about it, you’d not only be left alone today (as you are) but you’d also have an angry wife, a resentful daughter, and possibly both your families angry at you!

(This is totally unfair, by the way.  It’s him they would be more correctly angry at.  But usually it’s the outsider who gets blamed, so that the family can continue to survive)

My friend, I have one simple wish for you. That you step away from him altogether, and that you take all the love you gave him and find someone else far worthier (and more available), and give it to them instead.  A boyfriend, a friend, or of course a dog (we’re always worthy and available!).

And as you do, that you’re able to move on in your life to something better and far more real.  And one day, look back on this sad, difficult time for you, and say “WOW was I lucky!”

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to talk to someone you scared off with your interest

oponocat asks: I fell in love with a girl a couple of months ago. When I found her I tried with all my best level to convince her to know that I really love her and to accept my love, but the way she responded to me was not all that good (though it was my first time to talk to her). I
want to take a second move before it’s is too late. I know she is a tough girl and I want you to help me to know where should I begin it.

Hi oponocat –

So if I understand this correctly, you fell in love with a girl you hadn’t talked with yet, and when you first talked with her, telling her you loved her, she responded in a not-very-good way.  And you’re wondering what to do next.

Okay, let me make clear here, I am a WILDLY impetuous dog.  I jump on people I’ve just met and lick their faces, I’ll jump under women’s skirts, I’ll bark at people for no reason.  But this is why I’m kept on a leash.

My friend, you sound a lot like me, but since no one else will do it, you need to get a leash on yourself! 

Now if you’d told this girl that you found her really attractive, she might have gotten scared or shy, but she couldn’t have said you were wrong.  But you said you loved her, or maybe that you were in love with her.  And she, correctly, reacted badly.

Why do I say correctly?

Because all you are in love with is a face, a body, a voice.  It’s like a teen girl saying she’s in love with Bruno Mars or Justin Bieber.  You’re in love, absolutely, but with an illusion.  You don’t know the real woman at all.  And, especially if she’s really beautiful, she deals all the time with men “falling in love” with her looks.  Men who don’t know her at all.  But often, men who think they do know her anyway.

Decades ago, a very beautiful actress named Rita Hayworth became a huge star when she appeared in a movie called Gilda.  Years later, explaining her series of failed marriages, she said “Every one of those men married Gilda, but the morning after the wedding, they woke up in bed next to me.”  Which felt just awful, each time.  Imagine how much happier she’d have been if one guy had just gotten to know the real her and liked that woman a lot, and she’d married him instead.

What you need to do with this woman, if it’s not too late, is to

0 How to tell someone that your sexual history has changed

David g asks: I met a girl at a camp about 3 years ago.
We started texting and we began to like each other. So we have been like that since then, no relationship, no meeting up, no kissing. It was just a texting thing even though we are not distant from each other. We just get to see each other on Sundays because we attend the same church. During our early days of texting, we shared our secrets. And at that time I was a virgin so I told her so and she liked me because of that. So somewhere this year, she had to be in school for her final exams. I entered college in September last year. So while she was in school, there was no communication between us. There were just a few times she called me and we spoke for a few minutes. So while I was in school and she was also in school, a lot of things happened because we weren’t really communicating with each other and a lot of girls kept coming my way while she was away even though I still had feelings for her. I broke my virginity and had sex a number of times. As of now she has completed school and we’re the same way we used to be before. But I’m really scared I might lose her if I tell her all what I did while she was in school. She would be very disappointed in me but I love her very much. What would you suggest I do?

Hi David g –

I guess you have three choices – you could break up with her, you could stay with her and not tell the truth, or you could stay with her and tell her the truth.  Let’s look at those.

First, breaking up.  It sure sounds like you’re attached to her, even though you two have had such a distant relationship, especially in this last year when you were in school.  So while you could break up with her, it sounds like you don’t want to.

Second, keeping the truth from her.  I have a big problem with this one, because it seems to me that, like when I steal a piece of pizza off of the table when no one’s looking, the truth always gets discovered (especially if I burp).  This girl loved two things about you when you met – that you were open, sharing secrets, and that you were a virgin (I’m assuming she was too).  You even go to the same church.  This relationship is based in a sense of shared values and morality.  So while I’m sure you’re right, that she wouldn’t like hearing that you’re no longer a virgin, I imagine she’d be much more upset to find out you were lying to her.  Also, it’s hard to think that she didn’t imagine this might have happened while you were away and not communicating.  So I’m really thinking that trying to keep the truth from her is just going to make things awful – if you succeed, you’ll always worry about it, and if you don’t, you’ll pay the same cost as if you told her.

And third, telling her.  As you say, she won’t like it.  But your doing this will show the same values she loved in you – your morality and honesty.  And she has to acknowledge that she was distant from you.  It’s not like you two were in constant contact or engaged to be married. 

In fact, this relationship you’ve had with no physical contact?  I’m thinking it’s time for that to end!  We dogs don’t really understand love without kisses and pats and hugs.  I think what you’ve done shows nobility, but it’s time to move on.  And the fact that you’ve done these things away from her might be what it takes to get her to move to, at the very least, some friendly embracing.

So I’m on Team TellHer.  If she can’t take it, and rejects you for it, then that tells us something about her – that maybe she isn’t a great bet for a long-term relationship (since eventually something ALWAYS comes along to disappoint everyone in any sort of couple).  But if she can, if she accepts the truth of who you are, and (especially) if she makes some changes, then I think you might find this was a great thing that happened.  Maybe the best.

Hoping this is the case!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend starts to doubt their feelings about you

Moonandstars asks:

Hi, I have been in a happy committed relationship with a guy for 5 years. We love each other and we want to spend a life together. At least that’s what I thought. A few days ago he went for this course called Landmark Forums where they basically help you discover your true self and show you the right path in life. Every day he used to call me and tell me the day’s update, and I had started seeing a change in him. He was actually figuring out the true meaning behind every one of his actions- what was genuine and what was just a facade that everyone puts on to look good or feel good about themselves. On the last day however he called to tell me that what he understood was love was actually attachment and that he’s emotionally attached to me and cares about me but he doesn’t love me. He also said that he doesn’t know what love is, nor does he know how to love, and he doesn’t love anyone. But he says that he can feel that I love him. I asked him a few things and he said that he is emotionally attached to me, he cares about me, he is attracted to me and that there’s something between us which had made him be with me for 5 years so there’s still a chance for us. We decided that we will give this another chance and I will try to help him discover what love feels like, and hopefully if it works we will never be apart. So we are giving this another go now. But I’m not sure if this was the right thing to do. I love him so much and in him I’ve found my perfect partner. I don’t want to let go of him. He says no matter what happens that I’m not just his girlfriend but also his best friend, so I’ll never lose him, and he’ll always be there for me. But I’ve loved him for 5 years and we had planned an entire future together. I don’t want him as a friend after I’ve had him as the perfect partner. What do I do? Is it right to give it another chance when we both are willing? How do I make him understand what love is?

Hi Moonandstars –

Oh, you are my sister in this – men can get VERY in their heads.  And then imagine being my species; from our point of view, you humans get SO in your heads compared to us, so what you’ve gone through this week I go through ALL THE TIME!

I know a little bit about Landmark Forum.  My human Handsome only went to one meeting of theirs, and didn’t love it, but did love a class that he took that was based in the teachings of it – all about moving forward in his career.  From what I’ve seen, Forum’s not a bad thing, and it doesn’t teach anything I’d disagree with.

HOWEVER…

As I said, you humans are inclined to live in your heads.  And when a human feels insecure about themselves, they’re highly susceptible (no, I don’t know that word, had to look it up!) to being told things about themselves.

Now I’m very impressed with people who seek knowledge, and seek to find out more about the parts of themselves they’re not in touch with.  But when someone else tells them what they’re feeling, the hairs on my back start to go up…  Hey I’m an extremely empathic dog, but I can’t tell anyone else what they’re thinking, so how can some guy in a workshop who barely knows your boyfriend?!

So my instinct is to say… give