What to do when someone married breaks up with you

Deepa asks: My boyfriend needs to break up.  We’ve been in a relationship for 4 months. We were in contact only by chatting and calling – in fact he wants to break up just because he hasn’t met my and his family doesn’t know about us (In truth he is married and has a girl child).  What should I do?

Hi Deepa – 

Do you know the term “dodging a bullet?”  It means when something happens to you that might not feel great at the time, but in fact saves you from a far worse fate.  Well Deepa, you just dodged way more than a bullet – I think you dodged an atomic bomb!

This man is married with a child, and carried on an “affair” through just chatting.  I have a pretty good idea of what made him break up with you – it was you asking him to open up to your families about the relationship.  You see, I think you were just a fantasy for him, a way to pretend he was freer than he was.

This doesn’t mean he didn’t like you, or doesn’t now.  But it does mean that this relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere.  And if you had tried harder, if you’d gotten him to open up about it, you’d not only be left alone today (as you are) but you’d also have an angry wife, a resentful daughter, and possibly both your families angry at you!

(This is totally unfair, by the way.  It’s him they would be more correctly angry at.  But usually it’s the outsider who gets blamed, so that the family can continue to survive)

My friend, I have one simple wish for you. That you step away from him altogether, and that you take all the love you gave him and find someone else far worthier (and more available), and give it to them instead.  A boyfriend, a friend, or of course a dog (we’re always worthy and available!).

And as you do, that you’re able to move on in your life to something better and far more real.  And one day, look back on this sad, difficult time for you, and say “WOW was I lucky!”

All my best,


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