How to talk to someone you scared off with your interest

oponocat asks: I fell in love with a girl a couple of months ago. When I found her I tried with all my best level to convince her to know that I really love her and to accept my love, but the way she responded to me was not all that good (though it was my first time to talk to her). I
want to take a second move before it’s is too late. I know she is a tough girl and I want you to help me to know where should I begin it.

Hi oponocat –

So if I understand this correctly, you fell in love with a girl you hadn’t talked with yet, and when you first talked with her, telling her you loved her, she responded in a not-very-good way.  And you’re wondering what to do next.

Okay, let me make clear here, I am a WILDLY impetuous dog.  I jump on people I’ve just met and lick their faces, I’ll jump under women’s skirts, I’ll bark at people for no reason.  But this is why I’m kept on a leash.

My friend, you sound a lot like me, but since no one else will do it, you need to get a leash on yourself! 

Now if you’d told this girl that you found her really attractive, she might have gotten scared or shy, but she couldn’t have said you were wrong.  But you said you loved her, or maybe that you were in love with her.  And she, correctly, reacted badly.

Why do I say correctly?

Because all you are in love with is a face, a body, a voice.  It’s like a teen girl saying she’s in love with Bruno Mars or Justin Bieber.  You’re in love, absolutely, but with an illusion.  You don’t know the real woman at all.  And, especially if she’s really beautiful, she deals all the time with men “falling in love” with her looks.  Men who don’t know her at all.  But often, men who think they do know her anyway.

Decades ago, a very beautiful actress named Rita Hayworth became a huge star when she appeared in a movie called Gilda.  Years later, explaining her series of failed marriages, she said “Every one of those men married Gilda, but the morning after the wedding, they woke up in bed next to me.”  Which felt just awful, each time.  Imagine how much happier she’d have been if one guy had just gotten to know the real her and liked that woman a lot, and she’d married him instead.

What you need to do with this woman, if it’s not too late, is to

let her know that you’re not in love with her.  But that you are very drawn to her, and would like to get to know her better.  Then you could find out if you really love the woman she is – with her faults, her vanities, her prejudices, her bad habits – or not.  And if you do, then that’s great!  But if you don’t, that’s okay too – at least you got to know a very beautiful woman, and that’s not so bad is it?!

Now it might be too late for that.  You might have scared her off, the way I sometimes do when I jump on someone who doesn’t welcome aggressively cheerful mutts.  But if this is the case, you do still have a chance: you could Apologize.  Tell her you’re sorry if you scared her, and maybe you were just over-excited.  That what you really meant was that you love the way she looks, the way she dresses, the way she carries herself.  And that you’d love to get to know her better, maybe meet for lunch sometime.

And here’s the crazy thing – this could prove PERFECT.  Because what she’ll have seen is that your interest in her is overwhelming, but also that you’re a gentleman and worthy of trust.  For lots of women, this is the ultimate in romance!

The only thing I can assure you that you shouldn’t do is to continue to insist you’re in love with her.  That will frighten her, and make her not believe you’re “for real.”

So be the guy Rita Hayworth should have met!  Be the one who says, and proves, that he wants to know the real woman inside the beautiful outside.

And know I’m cheering for you from over here the whole time!

All my best,


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