How to tell if your ex is trying to get back together

Kaushik asks: It’s been 3 years since my ex-girlfriend and I split. There was not much drama at that time. 
However, now she wants to go swimming, running and cycling with me. She also wants me to help her with her home business. My question is, is she trying to get back or give our relationship another shot?
If yes, do I have to take the initiative of asking her about it or should I wait for her to ask me about it?
FYI 3 years ago, she took the initiative to breakup with me, twice. 

Hi Kaushik –

I see this situation a lot.  Three years ago, she felt something was wrong in her romance with you – maybe it was something clear (she didn’t like a quality you had, or she was interested in someone else, or she just wasn’t ready to commit), but maybe it wasn’t; maybe something inside her just said “this isn’t right for me right now.  He’s a great guy, but… something feels off.”

And if she decided to end things for any of those reasons, most likely she was right.  I’m a big believer in you humans listening to your instincts, and obeying those inner voices when you can.

But now, time has moved on, and she’s a little different.  And maybe she’s wondering about getting involved with you again, with both of you a bit more mature.  Or maybe she’s just remembering how great a guy you were, and wanting to have those qualities she loved back in her life.

I don’t know which she’s feeling, or if it’s perhaps a mix.

And more importantly, I don’t care!

What matters to me is

YOU.  I’ve seen cases like this where the rejected one is thrilled and runs back to the rejector, who just re-creates everything that was wrong and hurtful before.  Or cases where the rejected one is so resentful that nothing good can come of it.

But I’ve also seen cases where the two, who were perfectly fine as a couple before, now become great friends, knowing they’re not right for each other as more, and the new relationship becomes one of the most beautiful parts of their lives.

And I’ve seen cases, yes, where people come back together as friends, and one thing leads to another, and suddenly they’re a couple like before, but much better than before.  And of course that’s just glorious!

So my answer to your question is twofold:  First, for you to give yourself a little time to think, and get very clear on what you want, what you fear, what you hope for, all that. 

And then, second, to ask her whatever you need to ask her.  If you need to know if she’s hoping for more to happen between you, then sure, go ahead and ask.  But if you don’t, if you’re able to just live in the moment for a while and see where things go, then I’d say to go with that – as it will probably make everything easier between you.

But again, the very most important thing here is about you.  What you want, what you fear, what you hope for.  Become clear on all those, and then I think it will get easier to decide what you need to tell, or ask, her.

Whatever you choose, here’s hoping you pick what makes you happiest, and she’s in full agreement!

All my best,


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