What to do when a relationship takes so many turns you could go crazy

Chica asks:

So I got acquainted with this guy T on Instagram.  He was a common friend. We started talking and hit it off in a week. He was not in a good mental state at  that time, so I supported him and helped him in that phase. At the end of two weeks he confessed that he was falling for me, and I can’t deny I felt for him too. We met for the first time on and felt instant connection. We just knew that this was something special. We started seeing each other almost every day. We were really happy together. When I was around him I was the happiest, and I knew it was real, I felt it in my bones. The problem was he was moving to another city for his education, and we were not sure if we could sustain long distance, but still we wished to give our relationship a chance. He had even mentioned about our future. He often spoke about how it would be if I got married to him. He once even told me he felt like I would be the best mother to our children. I remember I couldn’t sleep that night because I was so happy. But after a couple of months my parents found out I was dating him, and they disapproved because in our culture it’s not acceptable to be involved sexually with the opposite sex before marriage, and also we both are just 18 – hence my parents reacted really harshly and warned him to not contact me ever again. He was devastated, so was I. His mother had stopped talking to him and my parents had grounded me. They all were really angry. He moved to another city a week later. I contacted him and asked him if he still wanted me, if he still wanted to hold on, and he said he would be by my side forever, and that he would convince my parents.  But once he moved he started getting distant. There were times that he completely ignored me, but I understood that he was not in the right mental state because of the trauma caused by our families. But after a while things started falling apart. He was getting more and more distant, and then one fine day he asked me if I could give him commitment for marriage. I told him I was ready but first I wanted him to focus on his career so that we could convince my parents that he is the best guy for me. But he reacted really harshly to that – he was like he is not sure if he can accept my parents after that incident. After a few days I told him I was ready for commitment, I want us to build our home together. But that day he said he doesn’t want that anymore. He said he hates my family and he can never really be comfortable with them. I thought he was just angry and will come around, but things started getting worse day by day.  I decided to contact his friend who stayed in the same city as me. But this friend was against my guy. It seemed like he was not here to help his friend but actually break our relationship. After sometime me and my guy got back on normal talking terms, so I told him that I had approached his friend for advice, and in an angry state I said things that I didn’t really mean. But this thing hurt my guy and he broke it off completely. After 2 days I called him and he was like we can stay friends, and I agreed because I knew we would get back, but then after one week he told me about this other girl V. He showed me that she was much more important than me. He confessed he had feelings for her. I couldn’t believe him because 2 weeks before that he had asked me to marry him.  I questioned if what we had was real at all, or was I just a joke to him – if it was all real then how could he just love someone else in just one week. I still stuck to him because I felt like he was just trying to make me feel jealous. I stuck to him thinking that he would come back to me, that he still loved me, but day by day he started behaving really weirdly. He screamed at me and called me crazy on my birthday, hurting me a lot. I was devastated, but still I stuck to him because somewhere I still thought he loves me. But yesterday when we were talking I told him that hurt me in many ways, so he said that this is the reason he avoids me, because I play the victim game and mess his mind up. Even I got angry and told him off. After that he just blocked me, and I’ve lost him forever now.  And now I don’t know what to do and think. I always question did I mean anything at all – If I did how can he just leave like that? Oh God I don’t know what to do?

Hi Chica –

I’ve written on here before about my mixed feelings about cultures’ rules about what young people can and can’t do – I’m a big romantic, so I love things being kept kind of innocent, but I hate seeing true love dashed because of some old regulations.

So initially, I was on your and T’s side, and frustrated with your parents (though I can see their side too). 

But then, I’m really bothered by the way he treated you later.  I understand him being angry at your family, but rejecting you because he hates them makes me think he wasn’t really sincere about his love for you (after all, everyone has difficult relatives, right?).  And I’m even more bothered by his talking marriage to you one day, and committing to another woman within a week.

So as much as I hate to say it, Chica, I’m wondering if you’re better off without him.  And ironically, although it was for different reasons, if you’re better off that your parents broke the relationship off.  They were thinking about sex and tradition, but I’m thinking the real reason for you two to not be together is that he’s angry, sometimes hateful, and treats you like dirt!

I’m sure his feelings have been hurt, and his version of this story is very different from yours.  But even if he’s hurt and angry, there’s no reason to treat you this way – and certainly his treating you this way makes me think he’s not worthy of you.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he unblocks you and tries to make contact with you again soon.  And if he does, I can’t tell you whether to give him another chance again or not – just go with what feels right.  But I do urge you, if you deal with him at all again, let him know that he canNOT treat you that way anymore.  That you deserve better, no matter what you two have been through. 

And if he grows up and starts treating you well, I could support you two getting back together.  But if that doesn’t happen, I think the best thing for you to do is treat this whole amazing story as a great learning experience, one to carry with you (the wonderful parts and the awful ones) through the rest of your life, as you find a love or loves that treat you far better, as you deserve.

All my best,


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