Category Archives for "Behavior"

0 What to do when your husband doesn’t want to spend time with you

Tasmyne asks: I just recently got married to someone I’ve been dating for 10 years. We were living together. I also just had a baby who is 4 months old. My husband has this thing that every weekend he is out with his buddies. I am still on maternity leave and am home all day. I have a nanny who also helps me. I hardly see my husband during the week, and when I do he is constantly tired (as he owns his own business) or he is on the phone conducting business. If he is not doing that, then he is at the gym and when he is done gyming he tends to go chill with his friends. My problem is that he sees his buddies every day during the week, and then on the weekend he is with them. He doesn’t seem to realize that he never spends time with his family. So I thought I would suggest a date night. Since my daughter is a little older now. I suggested we have date night once every 4 months at least just so we can have some time together. The response I got from him was “Who are we going to leave the kids with (we also have a 7 yr old son),” because he can’t leave the kids with his mom all the time. My issue is that it will be once every 4 months and I was also going to ask my mom. Or if I really needed a baby sitter I would pay my nanny overtime to stay the night as she only works days. As I write to you now it’s 2 am and he is still out with his friends. Tomorrow morning he will be too tired to eat breakfast with us. He will probably wake up after lunch and be gone again. I have no idea what to do. I feel so alone and fat and unattractive because all I see is a husband who doesn’t want to spend time with me or his kids. A few weeks ago he stayed out all night. I woke up at 7 am and he still was not home. After telling me he will be home at 2 pm. I tried calling him but his phone was off. I tracked his car to a hotel parking lot. I could not leave my kids to go searching for him as it was my nanny’s day off. I asked his brother to go check it out for me. This was the day he was supposed to take the kids on a safari. He apparently got so drunk he passed out and one of his friends who is the boss of the security guards at this hotel drive his car there so it would be safe. And his other friend was supposed to drive him home, but instead his friend drove him to his place where he passed out on the couch. He only contacted me at 10 am that day. I was so angry I took myself and my kids to my mom’s place. I still can’t get past that day as I seriously think he cheated on me, as the whole story doesn’t add up. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Tasmyne –

I get a lot of letters, as you know, and very often they have mistakes in them.  Misspellings, typos, or even flat-out wrong words.  That’s fine; I just clean them up to make them more readable before I post them.

So when you said that you offered to have a date night with your new husband once ever four months, I thought, “Oh she was just emotional when she wrote this.  She means every four weeks.  I’ll suggest she make it every one or two.”

But it wasn’t a mistake; you actually said Four Months, more than once.  And he said no?!  Three dates a year with his wife?

Something is VERY wrong!

My human friend Handsome can’t stand it if he goes four NIGHTS in a row without spending one with me, and I’m a dog!

Now I don’t know exactly what’s wrong.  You think he might be cheating; I’ll admit, my imagination went there too.  His friends say he’s drinking to horrible excess – that would be pretty awful even if that’s all that’s wrong.

If you and he were only dating, I’d say this is something to look at very strongly, and work on making it better.  If you had been married for twenty years, I’d recommend couples therapy to find what’s wrong underneath all this.

But you two are newlyweds?!  This is simply awful.

I do have one thought.  Some men get very Continue reading

0 What does it mean to “never beg to be loved?”

PERFECTION asks: What does it mean to “never beg to be loved?”

Hi PERFECTION –

My friend, your asking me this question is like asking me what it means to fly, or to walk on two legs.  It’s something I know exists, but it sure doesn’t apply to me!

The best illustration I can give of this concept is cats, and cat-people.  (Note – I’m going to write this SOOOOO non-judgmentally!  And that’s SOOOOOO hard for me!  So please, give me some applause for my Gandhi-level tolerance here!).

There are people who like cats more than dogs.  And they’re perfectly sane, and have the right to do so (DO YOU SEE HOW HARD I’M STRUGGLING HERE?!).   And one reason, maybe the biggest reason, for that is that they really don’t like the way dogs are always coming up to them, wanting to lick them and play with them and love and be loved by them.  They find this behavior annoying and insincere.  They far prefer the company of kitties, who will come to them out of need (for food or shelter) or out of a temporary wish for affection and attention – and then go mind their own business, often in a way those people find cute and meaningful.

Now you know very well, I’m no cat, and my human friend Handsome is quite the opposite of those people.  He loves  the attention I give him, loves that I want his attention, and it simply melts his heart when I come to him begging for love.

The fact is though, when it comes to humans interacting with other humans, the issues are subtler.  A person who is generally drawn to more effusive people is still going to want some space, and get tired of being asked “Honey, do you still love me?”  And the person who likes cooler, more self-contained people, is still going to need reminders that their partner wants and needs their love.

So while I can imagine someone meant very well when they told you to “Never beg to be loved,” I’d change that to “Always Continue reading

0 How to handle someone who wants to take longer before starting a relationship than you do

Ojisan asks: I have a crush on a girl, and I thought she liked me too because I openly flirted with her about making her my girlfriend and she used to say “we’ll see.” Finally I proposed to her but she rejected me. Normally most people would avoid each other after this but she is still close to me. Whenever I joke about my confession to her she says that everything takes time and one should know the person really well before coming into a relationship. I still like her but I’m confused. Is she hinting to me to take my time, or am I just overthinking too much and should just be friends?

Hi Ojisan –

People love to talk about the differences between cats and dogs. Now of course you and I know that cats are awful and stinky and need to be chased, right? Right?

(Okay, okay, I know, they deserve freedom and happiness just like anyone else, and I have to learn to be tolerant, and some of them are really great, okay…  But that’s not what I’m talking about here anyway.)

Most dogs, when you meet us, are instantly friendly. We want to be your best friend. We want to sniff you and lick you and jump on you (some of us have been trained not to, but we do want to!). That’s just the way we are.

Meanwhile, most cats are far more cautious. They stand back, figuring you out, to see if you’ll be nice or not. And even once they know you’re nice, they still hold back – they stay ‘cool,’ even standoffish, except when they just can’t take it anymore and come to you for a cuddle.

Well people are a lot like cats and dogs. Some are eager at once to connect all the way, and some hold back. It doesn’t mean the eager ones will be more committed than the hold-backers; sometimes the opposite happens. But it does mean it’s a good idea to look at people and figure out what they need and how they want to be treated.

In a sense, Ojisan, you’re a dog and she’s a cat. Your view is that if two people like each other they should admit it and run into each other’s arms. While she seems to be feeling, “That’s great, he likes me just as I like him. Now let’s start seeing what each other is like, and if I should allow him even a step closer!”

Now here’s the great news, Ojisan – she is telling you, in every way, to Continue reading

0 How to get your oldest child to behave better.

Ashima17 asks: I am the mother of two kids – a nine-year-old son and a one-year-old daughter. I am worried about my elder one; his behaviour is very rude to me. Maybe because I always scold him for studies in front of people He said, “My mother does not love me anymore, every time she hits me, she used wrong words to me.” I agreed that I am doing all this, because he doesn’t want to sit for studies. He always misbehaves, he never listens me. I am worried what to do how to handle him and get him mannered and disciplined.

Hi Ashima17 –

There’s a lot going on here, and I probably don’t know a lot of it, but I can tell you the bit I see.  And really it comes down to two things.

First of all, although there’s a really large age difference between your children, your son is still pretty much guaranteed to have been very affected by the birth of his sister. I get bothered when I see my human friend Handsome pet other dogs, but you went way beyond that. I know you don’t see it this way, but a child will see getting a new sibling as the greatest insult ever.  He was your only one, the center of your universe.  Then suddenly, he’s told “I’m going to cut the attention and focus you get in half.”  Actually probably he’s getting a lot less than that, just because of the amount of care a baby requires.  And there’s no way for him not to be angry and jealous, even if he also loves and enjoys the new baby.

But even if you hadn’t had that little girl, he’d be very likely to go through a phase like this sometime.  The tough question is how you deal with it.

I’m a big fan of a discipline method called “Catch them being good.”  What this means is that, instead of punishing your child for the wrong things he does, you reward him for the good things, even the ones that seem small.  So if he gets a good grade on a test, take him out for ice cream.  And if he does something nice for his baby sister, give him an extra half-hour of TV or computer time.   Now I don’t mean you have to do this every time – it’s actually better if it’s a bit random.

What you’re doing with this is changing the nature of his environment.  Instead of life being a mine-field of ways to do wrong and get punished, each day is filled with opportunities to feel successful and loved.

In a way, Handsome did this with me when I was a puppy.  I was a wildly  obnoxious little girl, always biting him and chewing on his things.  But a trainer taught him how best to deal with me: he filled his house with doggy toys, enough so that there’d always be one in reach. Then if I bit him or some other thing I wasn’t supposed to, he’d instantly say “No!” and get me away from it, and then suddenly jam a toy into my mouth, and start petting and complimenting me, “Oh look what a smart little girl you are!”  Sure enough, before too long, when I wanted to bite someone, I’d instead grab a toy; all was good and successful.

So if you can do that with him, my guess is his behavior would change fairly soon.  Now of course, just as Handsome had to say “No!” to me, you’ll still need to correct your son when he does mean or mistaken things.  What we want is for you to, more often than those, find ways to tell him how good he’s being.

It’s not easy, and it’s not overnight, but my honest guess is that doing that will solve more problems, sooner, than any other method with this.

GOOD LUCK!  And thanks for writing!

Shirelle

0 How to ask someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend

Outcast asks: I chickened out on asking the girl I like to be my girlfriend. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just need an idea on how to tell her. Do you have any idea I can use?

Hi Outcast –

I hardly ever disagree with things people say when they ask me questions, but in your case I’m inclined to.  You say you “chickened out,” and that there’s something wrong with you.  But from what you’ve written me before, it sounds like there were lots of reasons to suspect that she’s not ready for a relationship yet, and would reject you.

Now yes, I did encourage you to go ahead and try if you wanted to.  And I would have loved you doing that.  But as it is, I wonder if you actually had a smarter voice than me, that little voice inside your head, that read her correctly.  And said “Don’t do it, Outcast.  At least, don’t do it now.  Let her grow, and let your relationship grow.  And see where that goes.”

I’m a big fan of instinct, and live much of my life by trusting mine.  And I find one huge mistake humans make is to not listen to theirs, and instead trust some idea they’ve been told.

So I’m not going to call you chicken, or say something’s wrong with you.  Instead, I’m going to say you are smart, instinctual, and sensitive to her feelings.

But NOW, with all that going for you, what can we do to win her over?!

Well, you’ve told me she’s been hurt before in a relationship.  One easy thing is to Continue reading

0 Is it a weakness to be an optimist

PERFECTION asks: I’m the kind of person full of positive vibes. I always tell myself “I can do it” regardless what it is, as long as I believe in myself. Not only to myself but I’m also injecting positivity to people I know and to everyone who needs it. Sometimes I also tend to give ideas that could help them see things the other way around. I’m not actually a seer though, I’m just trying to help them; they may never do what I did, but who am I to judge. Everyone has its own different pathways in life. I always wonder, being a positive person like me, defying all the negativity in life, all those words I hear like “you can’t do it” and “it’s impossible” seem to give me even more courage to push through. So what do you think is my greatest weakness?

Hi PERFECTION –

Well as you can guess, you’re talking to a mirror here.  I’m very much that positive spirit too, and have this website just so I can give that to others.

Which leads me to ask… why do you even need to know what your “greatest weakness” is?  I mean, I can say what the weaknesses are in living “glass half-full,” but isn’t part of the joy of positivism not focusing on what’s wrong?

Having said that, your question reminds me of one of Handsome’s favorite movies, Bride of Frankenstein.  Early in it, a man suggests a friend join him in a drink, “Have some gin.  It’s my only weakness.”  Later he offers someone a smoke, “Have a cigar.  They’re my only weakness.”  So I love to say squirrels are my only weakness, pizza is my only weakness, and tummy-rubs are my only weakness.  I sure have no way to figure out which one is my greatest one though!

Many would say that the great weakness of a positive attitude is blindness to the negative.   And I’d agree that it can be.  Sort of.

Handsome has saved my life many times by not letting me run across a street to chase a cat, when I would have been run over by a car.  But I’d argue that it’s not my positive attitude about the cat that would have been the problem, but my inability to judge cars.

Similarly, if you go out and spend money you don’t have because “Oh I’m sure I’ll get more tomorrow,” that’s probably kind of stupid.  But if you spend it on something that’s worth you getting in debt (say an education, or a wedding ring if things work out with that girl you’ve been thinking about!), then I wouldn’t call that bad at all – as long as you’re aware that the debt is coming, and you’ll have to spend a while paying it off.

Maybe the other possible “greatest weakness” is that you’ll annoy people.  Negative-minded people can get really bothered by someone being positive all the time.  And even I can understand that.  Handsome told me about a woman he knew at school who was arguing that everything is always for the best.  Someone asked her, “What about Hitler?!” and she answered “Yes he did many bad things, but think of all the beautiful music and movies and other things that came out of that war,” and everyone around her exploded in fury – and I sure understand why!

So maybe my best argument would be that you need to Continue reading

0 What to do if someone acts like you don’t matter

Deepunikki asks: My partner and I are always having fights because he isn’t giving much importance to me. I’m so worried about it. Even if I tell him, he isn’t understanding. How can I find a solution for this?

Hi Deepunikki –

I have two answers for you, because I don’t know you or your partner.  Either might be right, or even both possibly.

My first is based on you being completely accurate in how you see the situation.  You’ve been trying to express your feelings, and your partner just doesn’t get it.  They don’t treat you as though you’re even relevant.  They don’t call when they say they will, or even text, they ignore you when they’re with you, they never take you into consideration when they make decisions… is this sounding kind of right?

My second is based on lots of misinterpretation.  Your partner actually does take you into consideration, but not in ways that make you feel cared for.  They show affection in ways that don’t mean much to you, but pay too much attention to their friends, their family, their work, for you to feel cared for.  And when you talk to them about feeling ignored, they ignore that – either literally not noticing what you’re saying or treating it as you being over-dramatic.

Could that be the case?

Well, I guess I’m changing my mind.  Both of these scenarios lead me to the same answer, which is that your relationship isn’t working right now.  And you need to Continue reading

0 How to get someone you like to want to keep talking with you

thelittleangel asks: A guy I like goes to a different school. I started talking to him today over text (since it’s summer) and I had an amazing conversation with him and I think he’s finally interested in talking to me since he would reply fast and ask questions of his own. How can I get him to keep wanting to talk to me? And maybe even text me first?

Hi thelittleangel –

Well, my easy first answer is “Keep doing what you’re doing because you’re doing great!”

But I do have one other thought. Have you ever heard of Scheherazade? I don’t know whether she was an actual person or not, but legend has it that she was to spend a night with a king, who was known for having a woman a night, then killing her, then having another the next night. When it was her night, though, she came up with the great idea of telling him a story, but cutting it off right at the most exciting part. This way, he needed to keep her alive so he could hear the rest of it the next night. She kept doing this for 1001 nights. At this point, he was so in love with her, he made her his queen. Her stories are now referred to as The Arabian Nights or The Thousand and One Nights, and include many the whole world loves, like Aladdin and Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.

Now I certainly hope this guy you like isn’t quite as bloodthirsty as that king! But just like Scheherazade, you have a strong interest in keeping him interested. So maybe you can take a hint from her, and have delightful conversations with this boy, but always leave him curious, wanting more. The occasional “Oh I have to go, my friend just wrote me with an emergency. Can we talk tomorrow?” will almost guarantee that he’ll write. Or you’re telling him about the funniest thing that happened today, but just before you get to it, “Whoops, sorry, gotta go! Later!”

Now if you do this too much, he’s certain to catch on, so I wouldn’t say to do it every day. But a bit of this is great.

And of course, I’m guessing you’d also like to have contact with this guy beyond texting. So how do you get that? Well, hint-dropping never hurt. “I sooooooo wanna see Incredibles 2, the first was like my favorite movie as a kid!” just might encourage him to ask you out to it. Or “There’s nothing I love more than pizza!” (Though I tell Handsome that on a daily basis and he almost never takes me out for it!)

It really comes down to two tricks, thelittleangel. First, put some effort into keeping him interested and curious, like Scheherazade. But secondly, trust that you’re already interesting. He’s shown he thinks you are! Be confident, and make him come to you just a bit, while letting him know you’re friendly.

Oh and if you have a dog, you could always tell him how wonderful that pooch is. Then he’ll just have to find a way to meet your four-legged delight!

Good Luck and HAVE FUN!

Shirelle

0 What to do when a relationship just isn’t working

Black coco asks: I have been in a relationship for 6 months and more. My BF and I are quiet people, but we have our fun and actually make a great team. We usually fight and argue just like any other couple (never gets physical), sometimes we don’t speak and just ignore each other, and I guess we are both too proud to admit either is wrong. I feel so lonely sometimes and it consumes me psychologically. I love him but I think I need to take a break. During this non-talking period I sat down and thought about so many things and I feel like I am tired. It’s not good to compare, but my ex made me feel wanted and never let me get this lonely. I don’t want to waste my boyfriend’s time and neither do I want to waste mine. We are in the same class doing law and he is a good time, but we often have these moments and they are becoming monotonous. I don’t have so much attachment to people so I can’t really find someone to tell. I thought about calling my ex and talking as friends, but his phone is off. Please help me – what should I do?

Hi Black coco –

As I love to point out, you humans have the most complex relationships!  We dogs just love or dislike or fear (and hardly ever dislike).  And if I like someone and they like me back, we’re good.  End of story.

That’s not you guys!

One thing about this website, unless the writer tells me specifically, I never know the ages of the people that write in.  And if you were twelve or so, I might think that this is a great opportunity to learn more about yourselves by talking things out and seeing where it all goes.

But you’re studying law, so I’m going to assume you’re in your twenties or so.  In other words, you’re fairly grown-up.  And so you probably have at least some sense of what life you want for your future.  Marriage?  Kids?  Freedom from both?

And my answer to what you should do is all based on that.  If you Continue reading

0 How to handle parents unable to accept romance between races AND What to do when someone treats you differently after drinking

Marina asks: I am going through something. It’s so stupid but I don’t know what to do. For about a year me and this guy had something going on. We never made a move because he is black and I’m white and my parents would freak out. We kind of moved on and he has a girlfriend now. We still talk a lot, because we just have this connection. Always making awkward eye contact. Two weeks ago we were both drunk and we kissed. I realized I didn’t care what my parents thought and that I wanted to be with him. Long story short, he said we could be together but just keep it quiet until he sorts things out with his girl. Last night I drunk dialed him and asked him like what now? Like it’s been two weeks? He just said “we can talk tomorrow”. But I haven’t heard a word. I feel hurt and yeah I don’t know what to do?

Hi Marina –

Well there are two stories here, two very different stories!

The first one, about you and a man of a different race getting attracted to each other, but holding off because of your families, is of course as old as storytelling.  Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner… these stories of love beyond boundaries will live as long as people insist on believing in their differences.  (For what it’s worth, I don’t know my parents, but I am a mutt, so I certainly have nothing against interracial romance!)

In this day, parents getting upset about racial differences feels a bit silly.  Handsome loves to tell about a cousin of his in Kansas, as pink-white and Germanic-looking as any woman has ever been, who had a child with a man of full-African background.  Her grandmother was very upset, fearing that no one would accept the child socially.  But all this was happening during an election in which the child of a white woman from Kansas and a black man from Africa was being elected as the President of their country!!!  (Needless to say, that little girl has grown up just fine, and even been a magazine cover-model!)

So if things were to work out between you and this guy, my advice would be to treat your parents with loving patience, but slowly pull them into the 21st Century, and accept that these differences just don’t meant what they once did.

But then there’s the second story:  What the Heck!  I hate to say it, but it sounds like this guy’s one of those humans who’s a different person when he’s drinking.  There’s a great old movie called City Lights about a poor tramp who befriends a millionaire with a drinking problem; whenever the millionaire is drunk, he sees the tramp as his best friend and welcomes him into his home, but once he’s sober, he forgets he knows him and kicks him to the street – and this repeats over and over.

Now I might be wrong; maybe there’s something else happening with this guy.  But if I’m right, and anything does move forward with you two, I have some very strong advice: either get him to stop drinking, or never again believe what he says when he’s intoxicated.  Some people are extra-friendly when they’ve had a few; some people are mean; this fellow sounds like he’s not dangerous, but just untrustworthy.

Or to put it a different way, we all know it’s bad to let your friends drive a car when they’ve been drinking, right?  Well, let’s say this guy shouldn’t drive a relationship in that condition either!

I’d love to hear where this goes.  But for now, my only advice is to sit back and see what happens.  You’ve done everything right so far.  It’s now all up to him.

Thanks again!

Shirelle